July 12, 2012 Istanbul

July 12, 2012 Istanbul

While The World Sleeps

Well or at least this part of the world.  Not really sure what time it is here in Istanbul, I just know it’s dark and quiet outside the window of our top floor apartment in the Taksim district.  I’d like to blame jet lag for the reason I’m awake but I could be snoozing away as soundly as Tony & Tyler in the bedroom if it weren’t for little miz Teagan being wide awake and I’m kinda not sold on jet lag being HER reason.  It’s my thought that if she were just purely jet lagged she would be acting as she normally does when she’s awake – happy, active, playful, inquisitive, etc. but she is none of these.  She is cranky, crying, fidgety & discontent.  I hope I’ve just got the real image of jet lag wrong in my mind because then perhaps it means she will get over this in a few days and be back to normal instead of my real concern which is that she’s getting or is sick.  One things for sure, she’s not the superstar travel baby that Tyler was/is L  Oh well, guess you can’t have everything perfect in life.  Sigh…

I went to bed early (read: passed out on the couch in our apt) last night and opted out of dinner with the group so Tony went on ahead while me & the kids got a head start on getting some rest.  Maybe that was my error.  Anyway, here I am and I’m hoping it’s going to be a great trip despite the bumpy start we’ve had. 

Procrastinations & The Past Come Back To Haunt Me

It was a long day Sunday before our original flight plan Monday morning.  Tony & I were busy getting things taken care of for his mom at her house in Ventura since she recently broke her hip and was finally home from the rehabilitation center but not quite back on her own two feet.  Tony ran errands for her and I cooked up several big meals that she could just heat up quick in the microwave that would hopefully see her through to our return in two weeks.  I’d like to blame my lack of sleep on trip excitement but it was a lot less lame.  I went to bed early with Tyler but was sleeping on the couch and although I logged maybe 4 good hours initially, the rest of the night was lost to worrying Tyler was going to fall off the couch to trying to move him to his own spot to dealing with him crying and wanting back with me to not being comfortable trying to sleep again with him next to me, blah blah blah.  The alarm went off at 345 and that was that.  We’d wanted to be out of the house by 5 but we weren’t pulling away from Sophie’s until 545 which put us finally at LAX, after parking at the long term company & catching their shuttle to our terminal, at 725 for an 830 flight.  No bueno.  It was the domestic leg of our itinerary but still, the terminal was packed with needy passengers and soon we were one of them.   You see, there was this little problem with my passport…heh heh…it still shows my previous married name.  I just never got around to changing it!  I meant to a zillion times, it was on countless to-do lists, but whether it was general procrastination or an upcoming trip that meant I wouldn’t have it back from the government in time, it just never got changed.  And now the day it would bite me in the ass.  Had we got to the airport the two hours ahead of our flight like we wanted to we probably still could have made the flight even with the name change drama, but who really knows.  Had Tony booked my ticket under my passport name instead of my current name none of this would have been an issue at all, but it’s not his fault, why would he think to purchase my ticket (thanks sweetie for the trip!!) under any other name than the name I go by today?  Had we picked a more competent United counter agent we may also have made the flight, but the what if’s got old fast.  Fact is we didn’t make the flight.  Instead we stood in front of said counter agent for about 2 hours, seriously, trying to work out what really should have been an easier problem.  Then again, I worked in the airline industry recently, I know how archaic and convoluted their computer system and procedures can be.  To make a really long, boring, ridiculous story short we got my name changed over the phone with reservations (despite standing at the counter while on that call as the counter agent tried to get the same thing done, albeit a lot slower and for $150 which we didn’t have to pay on the phone) and got us all rebooked on the same flight schedule the next day.  But then suddenly Tony & Tyler’s itinerary disappeared from the system and had to be rebooked!  Good thing that was caught before we showed up the next day and again couldn’t fly!  After 3 hours in the airport we caught the shuttle back to our car and joked with the same driver about our short trip and were off to Santa Monica beach to make lemonade out of lemons.  I’ve never walked along the beach there, nor the boardwalk, nor been to the infamous Venice beach so it was all new and exciting for me.  We had some drinks and people watched and saw the big Jim Morrison mural being repainted and some silly muscley men lifting weights at Muscle Beach!  Haha, good times.  The kids were great all day, not an incident at the airport all that time and then happily riding in the stroller taking in the ocean view with a breeze in their hair.  I guess they were saving up their ill behavior!

LAX Round 2

Getting to the airport plenty early this time was not a problem since we’d stayed overnight in Santa Monica and everything was all packed up from the day before.  As we pulled out of the hotel parking lot we were amused to see Captain Jack Sparrow, or a dead ringer for Johnny Depp as the pirate, camped out under the carport with his 3 exotic birds.  Yep, we’d seen him the day before on the boardwalk, luring tourists in with his fake smile and bird act, earning money for letting people take pictures of their spouses holding a big, colorful parrot.  What a life…and I don’t mean that in a good way, but who am I to judge, maybe the guy is happy?  Anyway, I digress.  At long last, with Starbucks in our hands, and a fidgety baby on our laps, we were on the plane headed to Newark, NJ, for a short layover and then on to Istanbul. 

The flights were actually relatively, in the grand scheme of things, not so bad.  I mean sure, Teagan drove me absolutely nuts and I wanted to chuck her out the window at 35,000 ft but I wasn’t traveling alone so I was able to hand her off to Tony where she suddenly became a total angel.  She is seriously turning out to be a daddy’s girl.  She just LOVES her daddy and is so good for him and happy with him.  Tyler was hypnotized in his seat by The Lorax and Cars movies playing on his personal tv screen.  I, for once, actually watched some movies myself and was pleased that I picked two I don’t want my time back for, even though it was just time sitting on a plane.  I watched the sad and sweet “The Vow” and then heart wrenching but somehow uplifting “A Little Bit Of Heaven” which had me crying like a baby at the end.  I tried and only slightly succeeded at getting some shut eye when my first view of Turkey over the wing of the airplane woke up my spirit. 

I Think I’m Goin’ To Kathmandu…er CATmandu

It’s never quick getting out of the airport when you travel abroad so all the excitement of that view out the airplane window and anticipation of fun to come takes a back seat for a while as you stand, exhausted & grody, in a long line in a humid & almost too warm terminal waiting to buy a visa to enter the country and then another line to have passport control officially allow you in & give you a fun stamp to brag about later.  Bags collected and stacked precariously on our stroller (we left a little room for Tyler to sit!) we headed out into the real heat & humidity (guess there was a/c on inside the airport after all) and luckily caught the bus we needed without issue, securing the last 2 seats on board.  Here’s where I finally had the real thought though that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t actually such a fun idea to travel with kids.  Sure Tyler slept some on the plane but he was groggy & grouchy anyway - who wouldn’t be after pee’ing in his pants on the plane and not being able to get them changed-my bad, I totally forgot to pack an extra pair for the flight but by now they were dry…and stinky.  So when we pulled up to the bus and told him he had to get off the stroller and onto the bus he started melting down, just as the driver was trying to usher everyone on so he could leave on schedule.  We got onto the bus but the last 2 seats available were totally separated, on opposite ends of the bus, and since I was wearing Teagan in the Ergo carrier I just headed for my seat in the front.  But Tyler wanted to come with me and was soon crying & screaming & jumping in the aisle.  My patience was left long ago somewhere over the Atlantic and I just said to him “you have to go with daddy!” in a voice that could have been nicer.  I settled into my seat trying not to squeeze Teagan to death between the seat in front of us and all the bags I was carrying, shushed her brief cries of revolt and then thought about how much easier this would all be without 2 little kids.  I reminisced about the many trips in my days before motherhood, when it was just me & a backpack, or me & a rolling suitcase, and a friend/mate who I didn’t have to watch over, feed, discipline, corral, etc.  Oh well, maybe this will be the last big trip we take for a while, until the kids are much older and can travel better or we are able to break ourselves away from them for a few weeks if they have a place to stay.  That’s fine; who has the money to do these kinds of trips with kids much anyway?!

I read in the travel book that Istanbul has the least amount of green space per capita in all of Europe or something so I was preparing myself to see nothing but concrete but I was quickly surprised as our bus passed down beautiful tree lined streets with center divides covered in lush lawns and manicured, colorful flower beds.  Hmpf.  Of course there was plenty of concrete too and once we got into more of the city center, or one of the many city centers (Istanbul is so huge) the green did largely disappear.  I was reminded a lot of  Europe, of Portugal and various cities in the south of France & Spain by the architecture & street layout.  That last part soon proved to be a challenge after we got off the bus and attempted to locate the apartment that was rented for us all from a map on Tony’s phone which was hard to read in the blinding daylight and was hard to really figure out as we zoomed in & out & around trying to get our bearings.  The next solid hour to 90 minutes we spent looking for our place, trying to read Tony’s phone, asking people for directions, etc.  We had TONS of baggage, Tyler was passed out in the stroller, Teagan was passed out in the Ergo I was wearing, we were all sweating profusely and it seemed for a time we were looking for an address that didn’t exist.  At one point Tony left me with the kids, stroller & bags as he went to look and I stood there so long in this side street of cafes & little shops that I began FEELING eyes burning into me and my ears were BURNING from the whispers about me.  Not that it was negative so much as just inquisitive, and in my mind comical.  Sorta.  After a while I actually muttered aloud “seriously? I’m STILL standing here waiting for tony?!”  There was a little (VERY little) café that I think had nothing inside except the kitchen and there were half a dozen men sitting outside on these short stools all drinking tea in the traditional Turkish way.  Before coming to Turkey if you told me someone was having “tea” I would imagine a…tea cup & saucer.  Well they have a slight twist to it here.  The cup is glass and is like the top half of an hourglass shape, tulip at the top then curves in then bells out at the bottom, like the size of a large shot glass.  The saucer is glass too and there’s a teeny tiny spoon to stir in the sugar.  They all seem to drink this tea that I would find out later is a mix between Early Grey and, oh hell now I forget, maybe black tea?  Anyway, there’s no cream and it seems like everywhere you go all the men are drinking it.  Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen any women drinking it!  Interesting…  SO, Tony gets on the phone with the property manager of the apt and finally gets a more “real” address, as if what we had before wasn’t real.  We decide he should go scope it out first instead of us lugging and dragging everything in case it’s another dead end.  I was starved and thirsty so I found a place for me & the kids to camp.  At that point I didn’t want any guesswork, no unknowns or at least very little, so when I came upon a “Mexican” place that was that.  I ordered a “dark” beer and nachos & then tried to relax a little while crAzy American videos played on the many flat screens in the place, the bass pounding for the few ears that were there.  The waiter was TAKEN by teagan who I’d plopped on the long table so she could stretch out and move around.  He held out his arms, looked at me briefly as if to ask “it’s ok?” and then scooped her up.  He was a youngish guy, it was random but sweet and genuine.  He stood there with her a minute goo’ing and bouncing her before looking at me again, this time with the “it’s ok!” look and then walked the few booths distance to the end of the restaurant where 2 girls were sitting and then he showed Teagan off to them like she was his own and the 2 girls were loving it!  One of them even stretched out her arms to hold Teagan but I think maybe the waiter knew that would be crossing the line considering he already carried her away from me.  I wasn’t so much worried, I actually would have even been ok if the girl had held her, it was much more secure that the place was virtually empty so I couldn’t lose sight of her or have any obstacles in my way if I suddenly had to jump up and run after her.  Yes, all this crossed my mind.  But I felt at peace and knew it was all ok.  The waiter brought Teagan back to me and then my Efes Dark beer (which is my new fave, at least while in Turkey) and soon my nachos.  I’d figured there probably wasn’t going to be an issue with the nachos, I mean how much different could they be made?  I was pleasantly surprised, they were pretty good, tho I think I counted only 7 pinto beans, there was some nice tomato, white cheese, roasted red pepper and…julienned pickles!  Tony showed up just as I was about to shovel the last 2 chips into my mouth and I innocently said to him “Hi sweetie, here have some nachos, I saved some for you!”  He told me he found the place but there was yet another glitch, our key had been given to another friend of the wedding party who was staying in the apt next to our’s but he was out sight seeing & we didn’t know when he’d be back.  Lovely.  I’m not sure what the alcohol percentage of this Efes Dark beer was but considering I was running on next to no sleep and next to no food, the beer had gone straight to my head and boy was I feeling Goooooooooooood!  I was cool with whatever at that point.  We packed up our stuff, paid the bill and walked the few blocks to our apt but then of course we had to camp out at the café across the small street as we tried to contact anyone who could contact the guy who had our key. 

As we sat we saw countless cats & kittens running here and there, lounging, dodging people, standing in the way of cars, etc.  It reminded me of Rome and I later found out that just like Rome, Istanbul has a “problem” with cats.  There are just so many and they roam free and aren’t fixed so are constantly having litters.  It’s sad and many of them don’t look so good, and many probably don’t even make it, but it seems the Istanbulis live harmoniously with them and put out water & even food for them and treat them like they are just another neighbor in the hood.  I decided shortly I was probably going to do a “Cats of Istanbul” photo book!

We sat on little stools at a little table outside a little café you stepped down into off the very narrow one way street, waiting, and having another beer.  Suddenly a familiar face appeared, it was Deutron, the bridegroom of the wedding we were here to attend.  He is a friend of Tony’s and is marrying Evin, a Turkish girl.  He apologized profusely for all the  mix up and sat with us while he continued trying to figure out how to get us into our apt.  It was just a joke to us at that point, after all that travel, with the kids, exhausted, hungry, dirty and we couldn’t even get into our place!  As we sat there the small street (basically an alleyway) would suddenly fill up with people chatting & smoking and then they would disappear.  This happened a few times before we realized there was a school of sorts (trade college) right there and it was probably break time whenever all the people would come out.  It was just a hint of what was to come in Istanbul.  Soon we took Deutron’s offer to stay at his apt that night and we walked to his place (leaving our bags inside the building in front of our door) which was 15 minutes away.  No sooner did we get there did someone show up who was staying there too that said he’d just said goodnight to the couple that had our key and they were heading back to our building.  I told Tony I just wanted to be in our own place so we schlepped back and knocked on their door and FINALLY had our key.  It wasn’t their fault at all, apparently the property manager was a shuck and was going out of town and just wanted to offload all the keys even though Sager & Avni didn’t think they should take the keys in the first place.  Alls well that ended well, we were in our own little apartment and finally could get some rest. 

The notes in my little 4”x3” notebook have lots of scribbles of memories from the day, including seeing a guy with a shirt that said “I’d Do Me” to another who had a totally killer tattoo of Darth Vader on his forearm to the fact that the smell of the Hookah pipe was totally in the air everywhere and while we were sitting with Deutron and his fiancé Evin joined she brought some traditional, special food that I couldn’t resist trying even though it was meat.  It’s called Tantuni and is basically a wrap of veal, parsley, tomato & herbs and then you tuck in a very thin, long yellow-green chili pepper.  Oye!  SO good!  Deutron also taught me how to say “thank you” in Turkish which is basically “t’sh-ook-ar ear-ah-deem.”  I wasn’t quite sure what to make yet of Istanbul or this trip but it was starting to look up. 

t minus

Well it's finally here...ok, it's almost finally here.  On the eve of our departure to Istanbul, Turkey, what might you find Tony & Tiffany Baer doing??  Yep, having a drink and fiddling around on the internet!  Haha!  Well we deserve both vices after the last few days of crazy Ventura life taking care of getting Tony's mom, Sophie, back in the groove of things as best as possible.  She fell and broke her hip on a midnight bathroom trip almost a month ago now and has been in a rehab facility since.  She came home Thursday, a little earlier than we expected, or at least quite suddenly in relation to our packing/preparing for Turkey trip.  It's been an emotional ride for us ever since the break, feeling very guilty for leaving the country just when she needs someone most.  Hence the insane day of madness for me Thursday getting us & the house ready for us to leave then piling in the car at 745 pm and driving 6hrs to Ventura.  We arrived after 3 a.m. and the sun rose way too early Friday morning, the kids not knowing the difference.  Ugh.  Ever since, over the last 3 days, it has been non-stop running errands (for an "elder potty" and a shower chair and a grabber) to help Sophie plus buying groceries and cooking up a bunch of ready-made-just-throw-in-the-microwave meals (big pot o bean soup, big lasagna, veggie quiche) so she won't not eat.  She's a feisty, agile woman for her age and situation so we're not too worried but none the less we've arranged for someone to come help her out a couple hours each day.

I've packed and repacked and will do a final "oh geez we might need this so let's stuff it in this corner of my suitcase" tonight along with making some sandwiches and cutting up some fruit for our flights tomorrow.  Of course they feed you on international flights, but tomorrow morning we fly to Newark for a small layover first before officially taking the "red eye" to Istanbul so I figured some "domestic travel" food was needed, esp. while flying with kids.  Apparently there's been a bit of drama where our tickets are concerned as I've overheard Tony talking with United the last few days but fingers crossed it has all been squared away.  Tyler keeps asking if we are going home and I tell him "no sweetie, we're flying on a big plane to the other side of the planet to Turkey!" and then he'll ask if we can drive there or take a hot air balloon instead!  Too cute.  I think he gets a little nervous around giant machines he normally digs on, like trains and planes.  Thankfully this time there will be two parents to quell the uneasy micro traveler...of course there will be two micro travelers this time, but I suspect not much angst out of the littler of the two.

In the weeks leading up to this trip I purchased on-line and at a store in Marin I had to drive 30 minutes to (the same company incidentally that I ADORE, at least in pictures in the catalog) a travel bag with multiple zippers on the front  that sadly were as sticky & jerky as anything I've ever had ($98!! tho vegan!?!) and travel shoes that looked airy & breathable in pictures but proved at home for a day of breaking in to be total feet destroyers ($80) which I brought with me to Ventura anyway because I had no choice but have been bumming on.  So yesterday while out on my hunt for a much needed pedicure - harder to find than I imagined - I ended up at the Ventura mall and scored on a totally cheap ($19 on half price sale) bag that was almost identical to the much pricier one but with zippers that slid back and forth like buttah and actually a much cuter color (dark violet vs cocoa) and I'm quite sure vegan as well...ok, probably plether which is probably just as environmentally rude but hey.  And then I found some totally cute, totally comfortable travel shoes that I KNEW would need no breaking in and wouldn't turn into razor blades on my achilles after a day of walking.  Yep, gotta love Payless shoes.  $19!!  OH and while I was in line at the check-out there I saw MY NEW PURSE!!  It was one of those moments where you just go "OH YEAH!" and grab it and sling it over your shoulder for a little prance in front of the full length mirror just to make totally sure what you already know which is that you've just found a "simple" piece that will make you smile every time you see it hanging on your dining chair or off your shoulder as you catch your reflection in a store front walking down the street!  My "simple" piece is a black and white thick horizontal stripe boho bag not dissimilar, ironically, to the purse I picked up in Madrid several years back in a yellow & white thick horizontal stripe that I adored the whole season I used it.  Sigh...I'm so happy :)  So to recap I picked up $45 worth of travel bag & shoes which will replace the $160 I already spent  for the same that didn't work out but will return for refund when I get home.  And if that weren't enough I got a cute pair of black, strappy, cork wedges from Payless at half price that will look totally adorbs with the strapless striped black & white dress I'm wearing for the evening wedding in Istanbul Wednesday.  The formal wedding is on Sunday and I've got a much fancier outfit for that.

Now if only my daughter's goopy gross "pink eye" or whatever infection will just go away I would be a totally happy woman.  Got some more eye drops today for her and waiting for it to clear up as I cross my fingers it's not something else.  Yucko & sucko. 

Ok, flight is 830 am tomorrow out of LA and we're driving to some special parking place near the airport from here (about an hour'ish away) so leaving at about 5 am which means I'm up at prob 345 so I can shower, wash & dry my hair and finish making sandwiches...as well as get my kids up and dressed.  We arrive in Istanbul Tuesday noon'ish.  It's gonna be a long trip!!!

Stay tuned for all the fun details of the trip there and our initial impressions of Turkey!!

Going The Distance

Well as Nike says, Just Do It and that's what I did.  That's the quick synopsis anyway.  If you are interested in more of the nitty, gritty details, read on.  Be warned however, it's not all pretty.

I think I've learned more in the 24 hours post half marathon than in all the weeks of training and all years of casual running prior.  Thank you, Google, for having answers to my ailments right at my fingertips.  I only wish I'd read them BEFORE the big run.  Side note: I'm tempted to keep typing "race" instead of "run" (which isn't very specific) or "half marathon" (which is just long to keep saying) but it wasn't really a race...for most people anyway.  I mean, the few women who were off like a light at the sound of the starting gun with one goal in mind, to cross the finish line first, yeah it was a race for them.  For the rest of us I think it was either a "race" to beat a previous run time or like me just to actually cross the finish line, preferably by running the whole distance. 

But to finish up my original thought above, this half marathon was a HUGE learning experience for me.  I think often "learning" refers to the fact that you made some mistakes and I'm sure I made my share.  Why else then would it have gone the way it did, less than desirable?  Why else would I be on my computer the day after reading about what I should or shouldn't have eaten/drank before the race, what I should have eaten/drank while running the race, why I was suffering from crippling diarrhea - that last part apparently not so uncommon and even has its own special term "runner's trots" (lovely) but actually isn't a given for all runners or long races.  In the wee hours of Sunday morning I partook of half a cup of half-caf/half-decaf coffee (I normally only drink decaf) & nibbled on half of a ProBar (which was recommended to me by a personal trainer to eat before my big run) as well as moved my bowels (took a dump) and pee'd one last time before heading out the door.  Oh yeah, I was also sipping this yummy Synergy drink with Kombucha & Chia seeds, supposedly good for energy.  I think all of the above, except the potty parts, were wrong!  Or were they?  I read later that I shouldn't have any coffee because that dehydrates you and that eating anything before the run compromises your body's ability to process it since it will be taking all the blood from your tummy and pumping it through your legs, etc. to get you through the run.  Well I thought a LITTLE food was not only ok but necessary, how the hell else am I supposed to have any energy to run at all??  I mean sure, when I get up and run at the gym at 6 a.m. I don't eat or drink a single thing beforehand but I'm only running a few miles, not 13.1!  Ok, so what else did I do wrong?  Well I'm not sure you would call it "wrong" but rather not optimal, beyond my control.  I've been sick for two weeks and just found out 2 days before the run that I actually had a sinus infection!  Antibiotics are a beautiful thing though and come race day that was the least of my problems...except at the expo afterwards where I was going booth to booth pleading for tissue or napkins as snot was running down my lip. Ok that's a dramatic image, i do have some self respect and so was wiping it on my shirt sleeve! I finally got some paper towels to blow my nose.  Sure, I'd stuffed some tissue down in my shirt before the race but at the end it was just worthless, having done a great job soaking up sweat from my chest.  Two weeks ago, just before I got sick, I ran 11 miles on my long training run day - 7 miles of it in the Bay to Breakers and then 4 more right after to complete the 11.  I had no problems that day.  Sure the last 4 were a bit tiring but still manageable.   I thought I would be ok for the half marathon even though I hadn't run for 2 weeks.  The fact is I almost couldn't run and it had nothing to do with my physical condition - Tony had to be in Orlando for the big annual IBM conference and there was no getting out of it.  Who was I going to get to be at my house at 645am to watch my kids while I ran?  It actually ended up being an easy answer and fortunately her schedule was free.  A very dear friend of mine, and Tony's ex-wife, Gerry, was more than happy to help and she was wonderful, staying overnight Saturday so she would already be here in the morning.

As I left the house, clad in my "fast pants" as Tyler likes to refer to them, pink SF Giants hat to block the sun from the top of my sunglasses and wearing items to channel special people & their energy (black socks with big green hearts on them of my sister's that she accidentally left the last time she was visiting from Europe and my late Aunt Nancy's running/cycling jersey that I got from her estate sale) I couldn't shake the feeling I was forgetting something.  Halfway down the block I realized it was the directions to the start of the race!  Hahaha, it might help if I knew where I was going!  So I threw the car in reverse, ran up to the house, got my directions and headed out.  Still had that weird feeling though...turned out it was my sunblock but it didn't end up being a huge deal.   I arrived in Alameda, found parking and was at the starting line in time to take part in the last few minutes of stretches lead by some very amped lady with a microphone in the park gazebo!  When that was done I kept doing my own and just took in the scene.  I think I saw every size, shape & color of woman out there!  Short, tall, skinny, fat, body builder'esque, ballarina'esque, bald so presumably Cancer recovering, post-baby like me, young, old, middle aged, white, black, asian, brown, faux brown (or maybe it wasn't faux like spray faux but just too much sun or tanning bed faux), the list goes on.  It was kinda cool, I didn't feel self-conscious at all and found the ability not to cast judgements.  This is a women's run (See Jane Run) and a few men were participating but most of the men there were carrying babies or pushing strollers or offering supportive chatter to their stretching mates.  It made me sad that Tony wasn't there, although I may not have done so well with that either.  I don't like to make much fuss of these things which seems to falsely increase their importance in a way that makes me more nervous and irritated.  No, I was better off alone.  It was time to put in the earphones and start the playlist I'd put together the night before, all songs carefully chosen and arranged in an order I thought most motivating, going in cycles of higher energy for small jolts of speed to setting the pace & settling in good beats.  First though, a powerful song to really get my higher self into the game, The Cave by Mumford & Sons.  Tony laughs at my love of this song and of the rest of the band's songs for that matter, but it really gets me at my core.

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Because I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again       

I could probably write a fat paragraph about why I love that song and how it affects me but this blog is about my run.  Needless to say not far into it I was crying.  I hadn't quite expected that, although the song has made me cry before, but for some reason I never thought it would happen at the race.  But there it was and though I hadn't heard the starting gun go off soon the crowd was moving forward.  I reached into my shirt for my ipod and started the song over ;)  As I passed a handsome dad holding an adorable little boy holding a sign reading "Go Mommy! We love you!" I just imagined they were Tony & Tyler and I borrowed their support. 

The initial mile or two of any run is generally the hardest, just getting yourself going and finding  your breath and getting your heart settled into beating more rapidly, getting the lead out of your legs.  They are generally the hardest for me on the treadmill, swearing I'm never going to make it and threatening myself to drop to a fast walk.  But in races with hundreds and thousands of other people it is difficult for another reason all together, you just can't get moving because everyone is in your way!  I find myself playing poll position, dodging through openings, cutting right, moving left, darting ahead, it can be frustrating to your mind and body.  Maybe one lesson I should learn is just to go slow in the beginning and not work myself into a lather trying to run the pace I would if I had a clear path ahead of me, unless I'm trying to beat some time in which case I should try to be in the front of the pack to begin with.  Maybe this is where I jacked my knee, with all the harmful (to me) motions.  Up and down curbs trying to get around people, running through scraggly, weedy patches of uneven dirt.  It's not like I was trying to smoke everyone, but they were cramping my style!  The road was sloping down to the right along a long stretch which started bothering me so maybe that's where my knee got messed up, since it was the right one not the left.  Hmmm...  By around mile 2 the crowd thinned enough that it wasn't an issue anymore and though the terrain still changed a lot (little zig-zag here, up and over a wooden foot bridge, across some asphalt seriously in need of repaving) for the most part it wasn't too bad although my feet and ankles did hurt a little on some of it.  I stopped at all the water stations, slowing to a walk to take in the welcomed wetness & hydration.  I even took a Gu packet at one of the stops, ripped it open with my teeth and squished half of the espresso flavored muck into my mouth - blech!  I instantly regretted it because of the taste & texture and took more water to wash it down so after that I refused any other Gu offer.  It was warming up but still a nice temp and thankfully no crazy wind like we'd had the day and night before.  It was a nice enough route, mostly flat, could have done without the stinky marshy body of water part for a stretch and I wasn't too fond of the industrial business park scene for several miles but that amazing view of the bay and San Francisco's skyline was awesome.  There was some random guy on a bike with a cow bell that kept showing up every few miles, standing just off of the course ringing the bell and smiling.  Creepy.  I saw one woman slow down and do the plug-one- nostril-and-blow-snot-out-the-other maneuver that I've only ever seen men do.  Classy. 

My playlist was amazing and it really kept me going because I found there were lots of stretches that I thought to myself "oh my gawd, this is not fun and is taking forever!" I timed it pretty well though and just when I needed it most my music would give me a little umph and I was able to break out of the bad, slow stride I'd fallen into to stretch my legs out and feel alive again!  However, those didn't last.  I wasn't gasping for air, I wasn't clutching at a painful stitch in my side, but I felt tired and heavy, just not my optimal.  Sadly that was the case not even halfway into the run :(  I worked hard trying to talk myself through it but I think I thought about it too much.  At that point I'd think about my socks and imagine my sister as one of the people dotted along the course jumping & cheering, telling me what a rockstar I was!  Or I'd channel my late Aunt Nancy via the jersey of hers I was sweating into now, of her love of life and nature, of all the amazing hikes, bicycle trips and other outdoor life-loving adventures she had.  Imagining her eyes light up and that huge smile as I'd tell her about doing this run and of her saying "Go get 'em Tiff!" in her special voice. 

By mile 9 I was starting to be aware that my right knee wasn't too happy with me, along with my right hip flexor.  At mile 10 I started to consider slowing to a walk since pain is usually a sign something is wrong and I probably shouldn't keep pounding on it.  However, I just didn't want to do that, I wanted to RUN this whole damned thing!  I tried experimenting with my form, trying to land softer and bend my knee less.  It helped for a little bit but then I'd be back in my slow, tight limp-jog.  I swear I must have looked like an old lady, meanwhile old ladies were passing me up!  I didn't really care about either of those things, I just didn't want to have to walk.  I would see some women walking and then before long passing me up and then in another mile walking again.  Maybe for them it was about catching their breath.  I had enough breath to run an entire marathon not just half, but my body was failing me.  Damn it!  I was so mad and so bummed.  I got it in my head that I would be in just the same pain if I ran faster but I would get to the finish line sooner.  That didn't last long either.  Mile 12 was excruciating.  I kept "running" but I was barely passing the walkers! Mile 13 I think I crossed over into pained numbness and it was the longest fucking mile of my entire life!  Seriously, I never thought it would end.  And then there it was, the big arch of the finish line, loads of people lined up on either side cheering & clapping & holding up signs for Diana and Mommy and whoever else.  I suddenly felt so alone.  I tried not to really look at any of them and if I hadn't been in so much pain and so grateful I was finally about to be able to stop I might have cried.  I watched the big red numbers on the timer changing until I could see it no more as I crossed the finish line,  deciding my time had been 2:27:58, although I later found out on-line my actual run time was 2:26:07.  Two hours and 26 minutes and 7 seconds of RUNNING.  Holy crap!

Medals were handed to you just as you crossed the finish line and I put mine on immediately, more so not to have to carry it vs wanting to wear it.  Those little medals feel so silly to me...though I've now hung it prominently and smile when I look at it.  I didn't stop moving as I revelled in the crowded expo of already finished runners (there was a 5K and Kids Fun Run along with the half marathon) plus their families or friends, a dozen'ish booths offering free samples of sports drinks, power bars, etc.  I grabbed a banana, a coconut water and a regular water and did some stretching in the grass.  Then I went off to find the goody bag booth, claimed my t-shirt (a very nice jersey actually!) and then the finishing touch as spelled out in the See Jane Run motto "i run for chocolate and champagne", a flute with race info and very cool picture of the Bay Bridge on it and several Tcho chocolates inside.  Yes!  I got my glass filled up and had a piece of chocolate and tried to relax.  I didn't want to stay long but I wanted to see everything and that didn't take long but then I saw this cool free photobooth which I thought would be fun to do so I got in the long line, after getting my champagne glass refilled.  It was really beginning to get warm and the sun was beating down on the parts of my body exposed (calves & back of my neck) and my stomach & bowels were not feeling so well.  I crouched down in the grass in line as I got the chills and tried reasoning with my body, telling it soon I would be going home where I could properly rest.  I poured the 2nd glass of champagne into the grass - what kind of lame idea is it anyway to give people who just ran 13.1 miles and are most likely slightly dehydrated and are out in the sun Free Bottomless Champagne?!?!  I couldn't bring myself to eat anything other than the banana despite stuffing several free Luna bars in my goody bag.  Bag of Pop Chips?  How about Bag of Barf?  Finally it was my turn in the booth, I put on my best fake happy face, struck 3 poses and was done.  I snatched my photo from the printer outside and beelined it to the port-a-pottys, my sphincter muscles relaxing involuntarily with every step.  Hold it, hold it, hold it, come on, almost there, hold it, pleeeeeeease!  I just barely made it...JUST BARELY...there was a small casualty but nothing too bad.  I sat there for a while after exploding, wondering to myself why runners don't just give themselves an enema before a big race, or maybe they do.  Ugh.  I hobbled the several blocks to my car, called my sweetie to let him know I'd made it and then to my bestie Dan begging and pleading for him to come over and take my kids to the park or something so I could rest since I knew Gerry had to leave as soon as I got home.  He agreed and soon I was on my way. 

The rest of the day was part hell, part blur, part deep thoughts and google searches.  Daniel & Victor took Tyler & Teagan out to the park for a few hours so I limped to the closest nail salon and got a spa pedicure and extra 10 minute foot/leg massage.  Then I iced my knees and hip and layed on the couch.  I managed to make a simple dinner for me and the kids (although I ended up throwing mine up) and give them baths before putting them to bed and watching the last 2 episodes of the Pillars Of The Earth series which were awesome and fully took my mind off my pain.  My body will heal and though it wasn't an all together positive experience, the run was a triumph and success none the less.  Sadly it's my nature to downplay my abilities & achievements but I feel pretty amazing actually.  Sure my training wasn't perfect and life threw me a bunch of curve balls affecting both training and race day but I persevered, I didn't quit.  My body is a machine, a powerful thing when I put my mind to it and I'm on a bit of a power trip now.  Several weeks back I was majorly bummed out to realize I'd only lost 4 lbs since starting my training when I not only planned for but there was absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have lost 1 lb a week, bringing me back to my pre-baby weight by race day.  What went wrong?  Well I knew exactly what went wrong, my nightly glasses of wine or beer, my Friday and Saturday night several glasses of wine or beer.  Liquid calories are still calories.  I have such a love/hate relationship with alcohol, loving the taste and the stress release but with a tendency sometimes to not know when to stop.   I've seen the weight put on before by this delicious evil which caused me to step into action, so I've stepped up again, stopping drinking almost entirely.  I actually no longer feel the pull or desire for it when I  normally would, at the end of a long, tiring, patience testing day with the kids.  No, it's almost like when I got pregnant each time, suddenly there was zero desire for alcohol, zero desire for the buzz, zero desire for the numbness, less than zero desire for the feeling not optimal the next day.  Needless to say I've already lost a couple pounds and feel so strong & clear mentally.  Aaaah feels good. 

I don't think I'm done with the running, at least I sure hope I'm not - unless there's some more serious condition or injury I'm not aware of yet, if my knee doesn't feel 100% again soon.  I've got a lot to learn though and am going to make an appointment with a personal trainer and/or running coach and put together a plan to get stronger and figure out this long distance running thing.  I'll probably at least go for one more half marathon, maybe the one in SF in November, that's plenty of time to recoup, regroup and come back better than ever.  I haven't ruled out the full marathon yet but for the time I'm pushing that to the back of my mind, it IS a bit nutso after all!  I just found out there's a See Jane Run Triathlon & Duathalon coming up in September, I'll probably sign up for the Duathlon at minimum.  Well, I won't be doing both events that day of course, but the Triathlon is another little goal that's developing.  I used to be a great swimmer...as a kid...but that would be where I'd really have to focus my training.  Good thing my gym has a pool, and hey that would be great exercise to get right now while my knee is still sore.  It's just a power trip and such a high to see what your body can do and I'm just learning the potential of my own. 

Since the music really got me through and was so awesome I thought I'd share my playlist:

The Cave, Mumford & Sons
Glad You Came, The Wanted
Tell It To My Heart, Taylor Dayne
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', Michael Jackson
Breath Of Life, Erasure
Chasing The Sun, The Wanted
Piece Of Me, Britney Spears
On The Floor, JLo
Kiss Off, Violent Femmes
Dancing In The Dark, Bruce Springsteen
The One I Love, R.E.M.
Telephone, Lady Gaga & Beyonce
Hella Good, No Doubt
Till The World Ends, Britney Spears
Celebration, Madonna
Cover Me, Bruce Springsteen
U Got The Look, Prince
Waiting For Sex, Erasure
What Is Love, Haddaway
Tik Tok, Ke$ha
Papi, JLo
SchieBe, Lady Gaga
Disappointed, Electronic
Manhunt, Karen Kamon
Waiting For Tonight, JLo
Americano, Lady Gaga
Break The Ice, Britney Spears
What A Feeling, Irene Cara
Be My Lover, La Bouche
Goodbye Seventies, Yaz
Shake It Out, Florence + the Machine
Wild Boys, Duran Duran
Back It Up, Gwen Stefani
New Sensation, INXS
SexyBack, Justin Timberlake
Girls On Film, Duran Duran
...there's more but this is where I finished so I figure this is all that's important to share

Perhaps surprisingly missing, for those who know me best, is more Madonna.  Well that's not accidental since I've been training almost exclusively to her new album "MDNA" and LOVING it!  But instead of throwing the songs into the mix in random order I much prefer listening to it as the full album, which I kinda figured I would switch to around mile 9 since I know I can run 4 miles in the time it takes to listen to the album.  Somehow that just didn't happen for whatever reason.  Now I'm not a superstitious person, but maybe my run was off simply because I wasn't listening to my main amazing, powerful, incredible, awe-inspiring muse Madonna.  Hmmmm...

Run Forrest, Run!

The big day is approaching...rapidly.  See Jane Run, I Run For Champagne & Chocolate, half marathon this Sunday June 3rd.  Gotta be there at 730 a.m. ready or not.  Will I be ready?  At this point my best answer is, yes???  I've got some wicked head cold right now, been with me a week with only mild clearing in site.  Will it pass in time or will I run with snot pouring down my face and a pisser of a headache and a foul feeling belly?  Ugh, I certainly hope not because I don't think I could pull that off and this is such a big deal event for me!  I've been training for 12 wks (off and on due to small irritating obstacles, like this cold), looking forward to it and plain 'ol anxious to DO IT to feel that rush and awe at what my body can do.  Well I guess there's only one thing to do now, get over it, or rather get over being worried about it and just plan for everything to be fine. 

As I just mentioned tho, sadly I haven't been able to run much lately between recovering from Bay to Breakers and now with this cold.  But so yeah, a week or so ago (I just can't keep time and days straight anymore since becoming a mom!) I ran the big San Francisco event of craziness (one of them anyway!) better known as Bay to Breakers, a 7 mile run starting downtown, winding its way across the city, up a gnarly hill and then through the beautiful Golden Gate Park, ending on the Great Highway alongside the expansive Pacific Ocean and Ocean Beach.  Tony was a good guy and pushed the stroller since I've been doing my share of training with it and since we didn't have a sitter so it was the kids' first (hopefully of many) B2Bs.  There were your typical naked runners and plenty of fun costumes and the weather was phenomenal.  Considering we started at 7 a.m. and actually ran unlike many people, we were way ahead of all the madness that ensued once people had their morning brews, cocktails or shots to get revved.  As we saw driving home, the course turned into a seething mob of insanity that bled out several blocks in all directions causing major traffic issues and lots of fabulous photo ops from the car window!  Apparently the big alcohol & bib crackdown (not allowing floats (which usually was just a mask for kegs) or drinking/public drunkenness and making sure everyone on the course was wearing a race bib and escorting those off that didn't) didn't work so well.  Or maybe it did because the news report the next day said only 19 people had been arrested for being drunk and I don't think there were any cases of alcohol poisoning, that I heard of.  There was talk that with all the restrictions this year's B2B would lose its umph and become just a...run.  Imagine that?!  Well no chance there, not in this city!  Most everyone came out in creative, extravagant costumes (as well as totally not in our case which felt kinda embarrassing which we'll have to change next year) and just partied!  We runners ran, and so we didn't see or get trapped in the mob, which was kinda a bummer because in a way that's what B2B is all about.  I mean, there's tons of runs all the time in lots of cities but none like this one.  Oh well, whatever.  Tony had a beer circus to get to and I was exhausted so there was no time to reinsert ourselves and check it out. 
Besides, it's like most things SF, and life in general for that matter, if you've seen it once you've seen it all.  Been there, done that, been half naked and drunk and walking the course, taking hours & hours to finish if at all.  These days i've taken the more mature, boring path! lol!  Although I did log 11 miles total since it was my long training run day so after I crossed the finish line and got a swig of water I just kept going...like Forest Gump.  Which reminds me, in the park with the sun on our backs I asked Tony running next to me to check out the shadow I was casting and tell me what it reminded him of.  He didn't get it until I helped him out but I was a dead ringer for Forest Gump on his cross country run with his long hair and baseball hat!! 

Hmmm, the picture didn't quite turn out like it looked at the time, but it's not easy taking a picture while running, let alone of your own shadow.  Hahaha.
But I digress...I've never been so physically exhausted (except for the 1st trimester of my pregnancy with Tyler but even that was a different exhaustion) than Sunday after my 11 mile run.  Laying on my bed wasn't relaxation enough.  I begged the mattress to just swallow me up and suspend me in some weightless animation where my body might somehow actually feel semi-normal.  It was crazy.  I could barely walk that afternoon although it had nothing to do with sore muscles, I'm beyond that.  So I'm preparing myself for that same experience after the half marathon this weekend.  It's not painful but it's not pleasant.  Have I not trained well enough?  Am I running with bad form or do I need better shoes?  All good questions and I have no answers.  A fellow runner friend told me that doesn't happen to her (thumbed nose & wiggly fingers was my Nah-Nah bitter response) and that I should read the book "Born To Run" which I'm picking up at the library today as a CD since I have no time to READ it, or rather I'm prioritizing "Fifty Shades Of Grey" which I just picked up at Target and am anxious to jump into...and will surely talk about in a future blog ;) 

Well, I'm taking Tyler to the doctor today since it's day 5 of fever for him and they want to just give him the full run through and make sure there's nothing else going on.  I think he's just had his first flu and it will all soon be a horrible, distant memory but right now we are still sorta in it.  Miz Teagan is sadly also showing signs of the same now too, fingers crossed she doesn't go through the misery Tyler has.  And as for me, might just google "sinus infection" after signing off of here but surely it's just another case of letting the bug run its course.  Let that course be over before Sunday!!!

LOVED the Otter Pop crew! They were even handing them out! I ate half before I realized I just took candy from a stranger...and candy that I would NEVER normally eat anyway! lol!

The seethe ahead of us as we ran!  This is what it looked like later as well only people weren't running, or wearing running clothes...they were partying and all costumed up!

Those 2 mostly naked guys (I think they were wearing jock straps) caused me to pick up my pace and leave a trail of dust behind me as I ran to catch up with them and snap this picture.  Yep, that's what makes Tiff run - some fine man ass!

Another selection of above mentioned running inspiration!

Relaxing with the fam post race at Park Chalet!

finding my groove

Tony informed me today that I needed to write a blog entry for April since I've got one for each of the last 3 months so I shouldn't let this one lapse.  I've actually started and stopped several, they are in my draft folder where they probably will forever remain.  Not that they are unpostable...it's funny, I tend to need to be in a certain mood to write or do my art but there are times when I'll try to force it and it just doesn't work, doesn't come out right or just isn't what I want to project.  I'm actually kinda forcing it now but I've got Tony's words ringing in my ears so I'm gonna try to follow this one through. 

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since my last *strong* post, emotionally & physically.  I jumped into my half marathon training with both feet, working through the early runs that were oh-so challenging as I seemed surrounded by other runners on their treadmills making it look effortless.  I had trouble getting up at 6 a.m. to go to the gym since I haven't gotten up that early in a few years now.  Wait, of course I've gotten up that early, I have little kids, I've had newborns, I haven't had real sleep in years!  But I get up and only have to be half with-it to put a baby on my boob or change a diap or lay on the couch while the little one plays next to me as I doze in and out.  Getting up and going to the gym and running is a whole other ball of wax.  It was/is the only real time for me to get in my run at the gym because of the kids and Tony's work schedule.  Anyway, that was hurdle number one and I let it get the better of me enough times that I began to feel like a total shlep loser who was never going to complete this half marathon.  So just as I stopped being hard on myself and got back into the groove I got a cold.  I never get sick!  This was ridiculous and it took me out for like a week.  Dude, setback numero dos no bueno.  Hard on myself again, back to the gym and this time I tweeked my neck.  The kind of weird pull you randomly get out of nowhere which causes unbelievable pain whenever you move or sneeze or sigh.  Sidelined again!  My morale was REALLY in the crapper and it spread to every area of my life.  I became bitch on wheels, Agro Annie, Downer Debbie.  The scale wasn't moving down and my running log was a joke.  Back to the gym.  HAH - what do they say about third time being the charm?  Well, here I am baby!  My running has become...ok, if I said "easy" that wouldn't exactly be true BUT it's much easIER and I've nearly hit the enjoyment level of obsession again.  I don't think I have the time or energy as a mom to young kids to be obsessed anymore, maybe in another few years.  Difference now at week 8 is I don't beat myself up when I miss a run and when I'm on the treadmill I feel alive and I nail it.  The new Madonna album being TOTALLY AMAZING hasn't hurt either since it's now my main running soundtrak.  I checked in with a personal trainer several weeks back after she advertised a free consultation and she highly suggested I add in a weight training routine and a vitamin D & calcium supplement.  The second thing was easy enough and I've been popping more pills since but the weights...there's that time predicament again.  Although I've found it only takes a few minutes to whip out some basic upper & lower body exercises with my lil dumbells at home in front of Hoda & Kathy Lee on the Today show (I've become addicted to their intro monologue because I get so many laughs and I just don't get enough of that) while Tyler runs squealing around me.  That and less alcohol consumption (which I also attribute to just being happier & less stressed) has me feeling better physically, the scale starting to drop and my pants getting looser - FINALLY!  And the best part of the personal training thing was getting my body fat tested, 21% baby, yeah!  That's 1% away from being at Athlete level!  I was so happy to hear that!  In fact, that may have been the extra boost I needed.  Now on days when I can't get to the gym in the morning for whatever reason I take the double stroller & hit various running paths in the city.  I tried Crissy Field right along the bay with a gorgeous view of the Golden Gate Bridge but the wind there is Ridiculous!  Golden Gate Park has become my fave, it's so pretty and really inspires me both in my fitness and my art.  This last Sunday I ran 7 miles there, my longest run so far - of course according to my training chart I should be at 9 miles but whatever.  I'm not perfect and I'm ok with that. 

ok.  I'd like to find a way to marry my art with philanthropy but I think the path will eventually be shown so I'm not overthinking it now.  I'm just trying to enjoy myself.

There's more I could write...there's always more...adventures in mommyhood, potty training Tyler, trying to get miz Teagan to crawl, dealing with her teething, etc. but I think for now that's it.  Sleep calls as tomorrow is an early gym day for me - and I can't wait!

Life Training

I've discovered, at least for me, that life seems to happen just when you need it.  Sometimes you don't want it...the lessons and stumbles aren't always nice...but the universe knows better and has it all under control.  Of course I consider myself fairly privileged so perhaps this doesn't pertain to everyone, like the poor families devastated by the tornadoes in recent weeks.  With little exception however, I think we have the ability to rise above most situations handed to us.  Although I find that I may be contradicting myself here, stating the "universe has it under control" and yet that we as individuals have the power to control our lives.  Haha, that's me, best of intentions, heart of gold, belief in the power of the individual, sometimes contradictory, has been known not to follow through and yet, like a cat, always lands on my feet - preferably wearing some fabulous stilettos ;)  Tony and I recently had a conversation about how he should interpret and act upon the things that come out of my mouth, like when I talk about wanting to change a habit or take on some new discipline.  He said "I want to support you, but when you say one thing and then do another I get frustrated" to which I replied "why do you have to take everything I say as serious?" which is basically just my way of trying to excuse my laziness or lack of strength and determination at the time.  Truth is, when the stars are aligned I'm a power to be reckoned with and everyone better stand back because I'm going to leave a blazing trail in my wake.  It has happened many times in my life and I've failed to give myself proper credit but that has changed.  I know my potential and I'm in the process of meeting it.  But it hasn't happened so easily and casualties of the game I've had no control over have thrown me off balance, but I stand tall now and ready to take on the world. 

Several months ago I wrote a blog proclaiming my intention to get back in shape, pick up an exercise routine and drop the last 15 lbs of baby weight I'm carrying.   Over brunch a few weeks ago a friend I see only occasionally through the year asked me if I was still running.  Running after my kids, I told her!  Then I realized she had read that blog and without hearing anything else about the subject since wondered if I was keeping to my goal.  I told her a white lie then, or rather just gave some muffled, cryptic, half response that I think just left her with not knowing how to interpret it or how to respond so the subject was dropped - Score!  It's not like I hadn't thought about that blog or that I layed it out for the world and then didn't follow through, even though no one lost but me.  And the funny thing about motherhood, I've discovered, is that while I probably wouldn't be happy with my appearance if I was still carrying all 95 lbs I gained over the two pregnancies, I'm a lot more forgiving about my body now.  A LOT.  Then again, I stay home and my uniform is jeans and a tee shirt or sweater with Converse or Ugg boots and how often do I go OUT out?  And even when I do, I no longer need to lure in a man.  Of course apathy is not what I'm trying to support here and couldn't be farther from the truth actually.  I'm so impressed and in awe of what my body has done, how it created, grew and gave birth to two little humans and that's only its most recent accomplishments.  I like looking good but I also like feeling good and I'm realistic about my life and attainables and at what cost they come. 

So after feeling that I've recently shed my old skin, giving way to a whole new me, or rather uncovering the me that has been hidden all this time, the stars finally aligned.  A few other things happened, but I'll get into that later.  I registered for a half marathon June 3rd here in the bay area and I've begun my training.  I found a 12 week program on line which seemed very doable and I have my goal in site!  I figure by default I'll probably lose most if not all of this baby weight in the next 12 weeks of running and I already follow a healthy vegan diet - with the very rare exception of some delish to-die-for cesar salad at Emmy's Spagetti Shack around the corner or a spread of amazing cheeses while out wine tasting in the Russian River Valley when if I didn't eat the cheese I might just starve to death ;)  Haha!  You have to live life, right?  Everything in moderation, of course I still will not eat the flesh of another living, or previously living, thing.  That's just not ok for me.
So I'll try to keep a better blog journal of this adventure since it's bound to be full of fun stories to share.  I'm just super excited about having this personal goal, to train my body and mind to run a distance I've never run, to achieve something I've never achieved, to have a success to call my own and be proud of.  It's not about losing the baby weight, and it's just the beginning of what I plan to take on in my new life.

Last Friday was my last session with my therapist.  She left me :(  Actually she did, but only because she's moving back east to be near her family and the area she grew up.  It did come at the "perfect" time though as we had really done all the work there was to do.  Not saying I'll never have an issue again, but I overcame such hurdles and problems I've been carrying around for...forever...in the last year and a half that I've been seeing her that it was time for us to stop seeing each other.  I made her a gift out of my appreciation for her guidance and knowledge and support that lead me through this at times very painful journey.  It was a Tree of Life pendant in her birth stone.  Ironically she shared the symbolism to her life at this moment that my gift represented and the reminder of working with someone who gave her hope that people can recover.  We agreed to keep in touch and stated aloud the unknown circumstances of our paths crossing again.  We shared many hugs and after I got my kids belted into their car seats back in the parking garage I allowed the tears to flow.  I will miss her but it wasn't all about her, it was about ceremoniously leaving behind the old me and driving out into the light.  I took a totally new path home, winding my way through streets of the city I've never been down, going slow to ogle this house and that garden, etc.  All the while the rain fell, further washing away the old and cleansing the new.

a stroller mom Valentine's Day

As I listen to some beautiful love songs by the late Whitney Houston on this Valentine's eve I reflect on the day...

Teagan is still sleep training, or rather she is still waking up in the night screaming for unknown amounts of time and so Tyler is sleeping with us again - she teased us with 4 nights in a row of silent nights and then went back to her old ways.  Tyler seems to wake with daybreak at 7 and even though I've awoken as well I play my best part of still asleep as he gently begins jumping on me or holding my hands close to his mouth, even rubbing his teeth on them, as he grinds his teeth.  Usually when that last part happens I have to break my silence and like an actress playing a dead person I suddenly come to life tho only through  my voice as I say "TYLER, do NOT grind your teeth!" and then I snatch away my hand.  This game goes on a while before I give up and open my eyes and Tyler says "momma, it's daytime, let's go downstairs!"  If I didn't want to throw him against the wall so badly I would just kiss every inch of him!

So that's how my Valentine's Day began.  Tony is out of town so after we all had our breakfast I gave the cards he left to each recipient.  Tyler loves opening cards and when he saw the Elmo on this one he was very excited.  I read it to him but I think I was more touched by daddy's "will you be my valentine?" request than Tyler was!  Then Teagan's...which I opened for her...and she proceeded to eat!  I let her gum on it and enjoy it and mark it for a few minutes before taking it away lest her very first Valentine from her daddy be totally unreadable!  Tyler opened my card, a fanning of 12 red roses, which was very sweet.  Teagan gnawed on the gift box Tony had left for me and again I gave her the pleasure before she ingested too much fiber and then took it away.  A fun Day Of The Dead lady in pink dress with devil horns and devil tail.  Hey, jewelry gets old year after year!  Did I just say that?!  Well, ironically and silly enough, we spent Sunday together as an early Valentine's since Tony would be gone (my mom babysat) and we found ourselves at Nordstrom Rack where Tony bought for me some hot, rocker heels ($20!!) and a pair of Betsey Johnson earrings ($15!) of two pink birds sitting on a branch kissing.  That to me was my Valentine jewelry gift.  I just LOVE those earrings!!

As the morning dragged on I began to feel low.  I felt lonely and sorry for myself, even though it's not like I was really alone in the grand scheme, just currently, and even then not totally if you count my babies.  I decided I had to get busy to keep my mind off it.  I was thinking I'd take the kids to the Aquarium or Zoo or something special for the day but first I had to get Boris out for some exercise or he would destroy the house once we left.  So I piled us all in the car and drove up to Bernal Hill.  Yes, I drove us.  It's a freakin' steep mile or so to get there!  I suppose if I were really serious about losing this baby weight I would just push the double stroller up there, heart pounding out of my chest and lungs about to fail me...oh and maybe stop having a few drinks each night!  haha!  But time was of the essence, so we drove.  Boris ran straight to the area where all the gopher holes are and hovered.  Tyler ran over to him and asked me what he was doing and I told him he was hunting gophers.  I got bugged before long since I brought that damned dog up there to RUN not to stand over some hole with his ears perked up the whole time so I began to walk off while calling him and telling Tyler (who was standing there yelling at Boris to "come Borse" as well) that he would follow when he saw us leaving.  Hahahaha!!  Famous last words.  Suddenly the dog freaks out, jumps around and starts digging and barking.  Now the humorous thought enters my head "what's more irritating, the dog barking or the owner yelling at it to stop?"  I just feel like it's peaceful up there on that hill, high above the city, where there are no cars, just views of rooftops, so who wants to hear a dog barking OR an owner yelling at it?  So I stopped and just stood there.  Then what to my wondering eyes did appear??  Boris running away from the "scene" carrying his victim!  The damned dog actually caught the gopher!!!  Wow!  I was impressed and felt proud for a few minutes, like "hey peeps while your dog was over there sniffing some other dogs' butt mine caught a rodent!!"  But then I didn't really care and realized no one else did...altho they actually did when they realized what he was carrying as he ran in a giant circle for the next 10 minutes, shit you not.  They'd be all "what does he HAVE?" and I'd go "a gopher" as if it were no big deal.  So funny the reactions and comments.  One guy told me the gophers are full of nutrients and he knows a lady that brings her dog up there all the time just to catch and eat the gophers!  WTF?!  Then the more expected comment "your dog is gonna get sick if he eats that!"  All as I sit there with Teagan bouncing on my knee and Tyler trying to run after Boris.  I mean, there wasn't much I could do.  I tried yelling "Boris NO! Boris, DROP IT! Boris, STOP!" but all that falls on deaf ears.  I wonder if Boris really is deaf.  Nah.  He's just a fucker.  He ran this wide circle for 10 minutes, I swear, as I tried to get him to come close so I could take a picture since I could think of nothing else to do.  Then I decided if I didn't make a move to leave we would spend the entire day up there watching him run in circles with this poor, limp gopher hanging out of his mouth.  Duh, I should have thought of that minutes ago!  Walked to the car, Tyler trailing behind and Boris as well.  Got the kids in the car and Boris was looking at me like "you're gonna leave, huh?  can't I come with my prize?" and I gave him the look back that said "you are NOT bringing that muther fucking rodent into my car, dog, so you can leave it here and come with us or stay with your furry treat."  So I got him to drop it beside the car and then I got out my plastic bags meant for poopy, which weren't used because Boris was too busy hunting and gloating to poop, and I picked up the gopher.  On first grab I freaked, my hand wrapping around the fat little still warm body.  I did some tricky maneuver and that allowed minimal contact through plastic and finally had the dead vermin double wrapped in plastic and tossed it in the trash.  After I got Boris in the back of the car I told Tyler very seriously that he must not go near Boris for the rest of the day.  I was thinking, what can I use to wash this dog's mouth out?  I don't think he punctured the flesh, I think he just broke the poor thing's neck, but still.  {shiver}

Moving on...

After a couple little errands to the post office (sorry sweet sister, the heart shaped rose petal cookies I bought you would have cost $10 to send vs the $1 to mail the card only so I'm enjoying the cookies thinking of you!) and to the barber shop to get Tyler's hair cut (where I read the a old People article about Jaycee Lee Dugard's kidnapping and excerpts from her book) we made our way to the playground for Tyler to play.  On the way some disheveled looking man pops out of a van with a balloon and says "does your son want a balloon?  we said we would give a balloon to the first kid who walks by!" and I see a woman in the backseat of the the truck/van tying off more helium balloons and all I could think of was "run run run, kidnap, bad man, run!" but it wasn't like he was inviting us into his van to get the balloon, I kept my distance and a defensive stance (well, in retrospect not as much as I should have...ugh) and we waited as the guy tied a loop in the ribbon for Tyler to put around his wrist so the balloon wouldn't fly away.  He said they were going to a pre-school Valentine party (the balloons were red and silver) and he handed Tyler the balloon, wished us a happy day as did the woman in the van, and we walked on.  I thanked them sincerely and wondered to myself as we walked away how wrong or irrational it was of me to jump to conclusions and fear the worst, and yet...you just never know in this world and after reading that horrible article just 10 minutes before I felt like a mother on high protective alert.

We played at the playground a while then went to Martha Bros. for a cookie for Tyler (a fun little heart with red sugar sprinkles) and a decaf for mom.  After we sat down Tyler wanted some of my coffee and I warned him it was hot and that it had soy milk in it (not sure why I "warned" him of that last part) just as I busted out my boob for Teagan and suddenly the gramma next to me was chuckling and said "all I heard was "there's soy milk in there" and then you pulling out your breast!" Hahahaha, funny!  We all enjoyed our beverage and snack and were again on our way, this time home. 

Just inside the door Tyler fell asleep in the stroller.  Nice!  Now too bad Teagan was wide awake and yelling at her toys!  I was able to do a little web surfing and relaxing as I pondered what to do for Valentine's eve.  Decision made I changed diapers and pushed the stroller back out into the cold, windy evening.  Our favorite spot, Rosamunde, was having a beer & chocolate pairing/tasting tonight at 7 in honor of SF Beer Week and Valentine's Day and I'd really wanted to go.  The place serves food so kids are allowed so off I went.  What a scene it all turned out to be.  It wasn't too crowded when I arrived and ordered an Alagash Black to go with a large fries and vegan keilbasa.  I read Tyler's latest Thomas magazine to him as we waited for our food...Teagan still fast asleep in the stroller.  Halfway through the fries and one bite into the sausage Teagan woke up and wanted to be held.  Well.  That made things a whole lot more difficult.  We pushed everything out of her reach (the ketchup/dipping sauces, fries, beer, sausage, etc.) but as I took a bite of my sausage she grabbed the paper that was under it and suddenly sauerkraut was all over my lap, mustard everywhere, my face a mess, my hands a mess, Tyler looking on in awe as to how to help and a server passing by that offered to do...???  I waved her on, wiped myself down, pushed the sausage farther away, took a deep breath and a big gulp of beer and just proceeded.  Teagan was getting fussy so I got out her jar of organic mixed veggies, tied on a bib and started spooning it toward her yelping mouth.  Nope, not so impressed.  Suddenly and desperately I was whipping out the boob again, in the process getting mixed veggies all over my mammary, but alas my baby was happy suckling away.  Tyler ran off to run around the water station which has two ramps on either side vs two steps and he LOVES ramps.  I caught many an evil eye from both bartenders and patrons suddenly as I sat there with a babe to my boob and my other child running giddily around the establishment.  He wasn't really in anyone's way but he was a CHILD in this seemingly ADULT atmosphere as well as there i was BREASTFEEDING.  perhaps I'm over-reacting, I felt very vulnerable suddenly there, boob exposed, occasionally yelling at my toddler.  Like "who is this woman here with her baby & toddler?  aren't we all just trying to be adults and have some beer?"  But then I reminded myself it IS a "family" establishment and I had every right to be there and had certainly purchased my spot since going for a second round of Alagash...which didn't taste as good as the first :(  Of course, the real reason I was there, the beer & chocolate tasting.  Would I make it?  It was 645 and Teagan was starting to moan on the tit, a not infrequent sign that she just isn't happy regardless.  I powered through, kept her on the tap until five to seven and as I saw a line beginning to form at the bar I popped her off, pulled my shirt down, grabbed my wallet and marched up to the bar. 

Before I knew it (which was actually way too long since there were limited bar tenders and they had to pour these 4 specific "tastes" and set them up along with a little packaged square of chocolate and all the while Tyler is running around and the crowd in the place was growing and I could feel people thinking "what's with this kid running around?" as I stood there with this baby in my arms waiting to carry a board of beer & chocolate back to my table...where I sat alone, with my two kids) I was enjoying something totally new for me, beer & chocolate, together that is.  I've tasted wine and chocolate, esp. port & chocolate, but BEER and chocolate???  This was a special SF chocolatier, TCHO, and while all the beers I didn't like on their own, I actually found them very appealing paired with the specific chocolates.  There was: with a wheat beer a Serious Milk "Classic" Milk Chocolate, Rodenbach Grand Cru with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Nutty" flavor notes, Blind Pig IPA with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Chocolately" flavor notes and finally Trois Pistoles with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Fruity" flavor notes.  Of course I had a little tasting partner...Tyler was very eager and excited about eating the chocolate with me.

Sudden interruption as my mouth hangs agape way longer than necessary...I'm sitting in our guest room situated at the front of our house at the desk that sits in the front bay window.  It's nighttime but I still leave the blinds open...I like to look out, I hate feeling closed in even tho someone else might think of it as having privacy.  WELL I just saw some motion in the street outside and looked out to see two GIANT raccoons galloping (that's how it appeared) across the street.  Mind you this is a divided two lane each side thruway.  Raccoons aren't so new as we've had them come in the back door and visit on occasion, drawn in by the smell of cat food no doubt, but to see them out there in the road?  They ran to my side of the street but I didn't see where they went and I really wonder because a moment later a woman walked by clearly not having seen them.  So where did they scurry into?!  Oy vey!  Crazy trashy critters.

Anyway, that's the story.  Tyler and I gobbled the chocolate, and I gobbled the beer, all a lot faster than preferable, and soon we were outta there.  It was a cold, windy walk home and I had to pee like a muther but I was feeling good.  Much to my surprise and delight, despite the jumping around and squealing that Tyler did while I changed and dressed Teagan for bed, I managed to get that little chocolate fiend to bed not long after we got home and I haven't heard a peep from him since. 

I finished another beer as I wrote this, didn't need it but wanted it, at least it was a Heine and so practically like drinking water.  Guess I'll go to that next and perhaps try watching my netflix "The New World" which looks like it could be a love story in between battle scenes.  It's Valentine's Day...I should just go to bed but it feels like a special day, a holiday, something deserving of lack of sleep for not much payoff :)