Run Forrest, Run!

The big day is approaching...rapidly.  See Jane Run, I Run For Champagne & Chocolate, half marathon this Sunday June 3rd.  Gotta be there at 730 a.m. ready or not.  Will I be ready?  At this point my best answer is, yes???  I've got some wicked head cold right now, been with me a week with only mild clearing in site.  Will it pass in time or will I run with snot pouring down my face and a pisser of a headache and a foul feeling belly?  Ugh, I certainly hope not because I don't think I could pull that off and this is such a big deal event for me!  I've been training for 12 wks (off and on due to small irritating obstacles, like this cold), looking forward to it and plain 'ol anxious to DO IT to feel that rush and awe at what my body can do.  Well I guess there's only one thing to do now, get over it, or rather get over being worried about it and just plan for everything to be fine. 

As I just mentioned tho, sadly I haven't been able to run much lately between recovering from Bay to Breakers and now with this cold.  But so yeah, a week or so ago (I just can't keep time and days straight anymore since becoming a mom!) I ran the big San Francisco event of craziness (one of them anyway!) better known as Bay to Breakers, a 7 mile run starting downtown, winding its way across the city, up a gnarly hill and then through the beautiful Golden Gate Park, ending on the Great Highway alongside the expansive Pacific Ocean and Ocean Beach.  Tony was a good guy and pushed the stroller since I've been doing my share of training with it and since we didn't have a sitter so it was the kids' first (hopefully of many) B2Bs.  There were your typical naked runners and plenty of fun costumes and the weather was phenomenal.  Considering we started at 7 a.m. and actually ran unlike many people, we were way ahead of all the madness that ensued once people had their morning brews, cocktails or shots to get revved.  As we saw driving home, the course turned into a seething mob of insanity that bled out several blocks in all directions causing major traffic issues and lots of fabulous photo ops from the car window!  Apparently the big alcohol & bib crackdown (not allowing floats (which usually was just a mask for kegs) or drinking/public drunkenness and making sure everyone on the course was wearing a race bib and escorting those off that didn't) didn't work so well.  Or maybe it did because the news report the next day said only 19 people had been arrested for being drunk and I don't think there were any cases of alcohol poisoning, that I heard of.  There was talk that with all the restrictions this year's B2B would lose its umph and become just a...run.  Imagine that?!  Well no chance there, not in this city!  Most everyone came out in creative, extravagant costumes (as well as totally not in our case which felt kinda embarrassing which we'll have to change next year) and just partied!  We runners ran, and so we didn't see or get trapped in the mob, which was kinda a bummer because in a way that's what B2B is all about.  I mean, there's tons of runs all the time in lots of cities but none like this one.  Oh well, whatever.  Tony had a beer circus to get to and I was exhausted so there was no time to reinsert ourselves and check it out. 
Besides, it's like most things SF, and life in general for that matter, if you've seen it once you've seen it all.  Been there, done that, been half naked and drunk and walking the course, taking hours & hours to finish if at all.  These days i've taken the more mature, boring path! lol!  Although I did log 11 miles total since it was my long training run day so after I crossed the finish line and got a swig of water I just kept going...like Forest Gump.  Which reminds me, in the park with the sun on our backs I asked Tony running next to me to check out the shadow I was casting and tell me what it reminded him of.  He didn't get it until I helped him out but I was a dead ringer for Forest Gump on his cross country run with his long hair and baseball hat!! 

Hmmm, the picture didn't quite turn out like it looked at the time, but it's not easy taking a picture while running, let alone of your own shadow.  Hahaha.
But I digress...I've never been so physically exhausted (except for the 1st trimester of my pregnancy with Tyler but even that was a different exhaustion) than Sunday after my 11 mile run.  Laying on my bed wasn't relaxation enough.  I begged the mattress to just swallow me up and suspend me in some weightless animation where my body might somehow actually feel semi-normal.  It was crazy.  I could barely walk that afternoon although it had nothing to do with sore muscles, I'm beyond that.  So I'm preparing myself for that same experience after the half marathon this weekend.  It's not painful but it's not pleasant.  Have I not trained well enough?  Am I running with bad form or do I need better shoes?  All good questions and I have no answers.  A fellow runner friend told me that doesn't happen to her (thumbed nose & wiggly fingers was my Nah-Nah bitter response) and that I should read the book "Born To Run" which I'm picking up at the library today as a CD since I have no time to READ it, or rather I'm prioritizing "Fifty Shades Of Grey" which I just picked up at Target and am anxious to jump into...and will surely talk about in a future blog ;) 

Well, I'm taking Tyler to the doctor today since it's day 5 of fever for him and they want to just give him the full run through and make sure there's nothing else going on.  I think he's just had his first flu and it will all soon be a horrible, distant memory but right now we are still sorta in it.  Miz Teagan is sadly also showing signs of the same now too, fingers crossed she doesn't go through the misery Tyler has.  And as for me, might just google "sinus infection" after signing off of here but surely it's just another case of letting the bug run its course.  Let that course be over before Sunday!!!

LOVED the Otter Pop crew! They were even handing them out! I ate half before I realized I just took candy from a stranger...and candy that I would NEVER normally eat anyway! lol!

The seethe ahead of us as we ran!  This is what it looked like later as well only people weren't running, or wearing running clothes...they were partying and all costumed up!

Those 2 mostly naked guys (I think they were wearing jock straps) caused me to pick up my pace and leave a trail of dust behind me as I ran to catch up with them and snap this picture.  Yep, that's what makes Tiff run - some fine man ass!

Another selection of above mentioned running inspiration!

Relaxing with the fam post race at Park Chalet!

finding my groove

Tony informed me today that I needed to write a blog entry for April since I've got one for each of the last 3 months so I shouldn't let this one lapse.  I've actually started and stopped several, they are in my draft folder where they probably will forever remain.  Not that they are unpostable...it's funny, I tend to need to be in a certain mood to write or do my art but there are times when I'll try to force it and it just doesn't work, doesn't come out right or just isn't what I want to project.  I'm actually kinda forcing it now but I've got Tony's words ringing in my ears so I'm gonna try to follow this one through. 

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since my last *strong* post, emotionally & physically.  I jumped into my half marathon training with both feet, working through the early runs that were oh-so challenging as I seemed surrounded by other runners on their treadmills making it look effortless.  I had trouble getting up at 6 a.m. to go to the gym since I haven't gotten up that early in a few years now.  Wait, of course I've gotten up that early, I have little kids, I've had newborns, I haven't had real sleep in years!  But I get up and only have to be half with-it to put a baby on my boob or change a diap or lay on the couch while the little one plays next to me as I doze in and out.  Getting up and going to the gym and running is a whole other ball of wax.  It was/is the only real time for me to get in my run at the gym because of the kids and Tony's work schedule.  Anyway, that was hurdle number one and I let it get the better of me enough times that I began to feel like a total shlep loser who was never going to complete this half marathon.  So just as I stopped being hard on myself and got back into the groove I got a cold.  I never get sick!  This was ridiculous and it took me out for like a week.  Dude, setback numero dos no bueno.  Hard on myself again, back to the gym and this time I tweeked my neck.  The kind of weird pull you randomly get out of nowhere which causes unbelievable pain whenever you move or sneeze or sigh.  Sidelined again!  My morale was REALLY in the crapper and it spread to every area of my life.  I became bitch on wheels, Agro Annie, Downer Debbie.  The scale wasn't moving down and my running log was a joke.  Back to the gym.  HAH - what do they say about third time being the charm?  Well, here I am baby!  My running has become...ok, if I said "easy" that wouldn't exactly be true BUT it's much easIER and I've nearly hit the enjoyment level of obsession again.  I don't think I have the time or energy as a mom to young kids to be obsessed anymore, maybe in another few years.  Difference now at week 8 is I don't beat myself up when I miss a run and when I'm on the treadmill I feel alive and I nail it.  The new Madonna album being TOTALLY AMAZING hasn't hurt either since it's now my main running soundtrak.  I checked in with a personal trainer several weeks back after she advertised a free consultation and she highly suggested I add in a weight training routine and a vitamin D & calcium supplement.  The second thing was easy enough and I've been popping more pills since but the weights...there's that time predicament again.  Although I've found it only takes a few minutes to whip out some basic upper & lower body exercises with my lil dumbells at home in front of Hoda & Kathy Lee on the Today show (I've become addicted to their intro monologue because I get so many laughs and I just don't get enough of that) while Tyler runs squealing around me.  That and less alcohol consumption (which I also attribute to just being happier & less stressed) has me feeling better physically, the scale starting to drop and my pants getting looser - FINALLY!  And the best part of the personal training thing was getting my body fat tested, 21% baby, yeah!  That's 1% away from being at Athlete level!  I was so happy to hear that!  In fact, that may have been the extra boost I needed.  Now on days when I can't get to the gym in the morning for whatever reason I take the double stroller & hit various running paths in the city.  I tried Crissy Field right along the bay with a gorgeous view of the Golden Gate Bridge but the wind there is Ridiculous!  Golden Gate Park has become my fave, it's so pretty and really inspires me both in my fitness and my art.  This last Sunday I ran 7 miles there, my longest run so far - of course according to my training chart I should be at 9 miles but whatever.  I'm not perfect and I'm ok with that. 

ok.  I'd like to find a way to marry my art with philanthropy but I think the path will eventually be shown so I'm not overthinking it now.  I'm just trying to enjoy myself.

There's more I could write...there's always more...adventures in mommyhood, potty training Tyler, trying to get miz Teagan to crawl, dealing with her teething, etc. but I think for now that's it.  Sleep calls as tomorrow is an early gym day for me - and I can't wait!

Life Training

I've discovered, at least for me, that life seems to happen just when you need it.  Sometimes you don't want it...the lessons and stumbles aren't always nice...but the universe knows better and has it all under control.  Of course I consider myself fairly privileged so perhaps this doesn't pertain to everyone, like the poor families devastated by the tornadoes in recent weeks.  With little exception however, I think we have the ability to rise above most situations handed to us.  Although I find that I may be contradicting myself here, stating the "universe has it under control" and yet that we as individuals have the power to control our lives.  Haha, that's me, best of intentions, heart of gold, belief in the power of the individual, sometimes contradictory, has been known not to follow through and yet, like a cat, always lands on my feet - preferably wearing some fabulous stilettos ;)  Tony and I recently had a conversation about how he should interpret and act upon the things that come out of my mouth, like when I talk about wanting to change a habit or take on some new discipline.  He said "I want to support you, but when you say one thing and then do another I get frustrated" to which I replied "why do you have to take everything I say as serious?" which is basically just my way of trying to excuse my laziness or lack of strength and determination at the time.  Truth is, when the stars are aligned I'm a power to be reckoned with and everyone better stand back because I'm going to leave a blazing trail in my wake.  It has happened many times in my life and I've failed to give myself proper credit but that has changed.  I know my potential and I'm in the process of meeting it.  But it hasn't happened so easily and casualties of the game I've had no control over have thrown me off balance, but I stand tall now and ready to take on the world. 

Several months ago I wrote a blog proclaiming my intention to get back in shape, pick up an exercise routine and drop the last 15 lbs of baby weight I'm carrying.   Over brunch a few weeks ago a friend I see only occasionally through the year asked me if I was still running.  Running after my kids, I told her!  Then I realized she had read that blog and without hearing anything else about the subject since wondered if I was keeping to my goal.  I told her a white lie then, or rather just gave some muffled, cryptic, half response that I think just left her with not knowing how to interpret it or how to respond so the subject was dropped - Score!  It's not like I hadn't thought about that blog or that I layed it out for the world and then didn't follow through, even though no one lost but me.  And the funny thing about motherhood, I've discovered, is that while I probably wouldn't be happy with my appearance if I was still carrying all 95 lbs I gained over the two pregnancies, I'm a lot more forgiving about my body now.  A LOT.  Then again, I stay home and my uniform is jeans and a tee shirt or sweater with Converse or Ugg boots and how often do I go OUT out?  And even when I do, I no longer need to lure in a man.  Of course apathy is not what I'm trying to support here and couldn't be farther from the truth actually.  I'm so impressed and in awe of what my body has done, how it created, grew and gave birth to two little humans and that's only its most recent accomplishments.  I like looking good but I also like feeling good and I'm realistic about my life and attainables and at what cost they come. 

So after feeling that I've recently shed my old skin, giving way to a whole new me, or rather uncovering the me that has been hidden all this time, the stars finally aligned.  A few other things happened, but I'll get into that later.  I registered for a half marathon June 3rd here in the bay area and I've begun my training.  I found a 12 week program on line which seemed very doable and I have my goal in site!  I figure by default I'll probably lose most if not all of this baby weight in the next 12 weeks of running and I already follow a healthy vegan diet - with the very rare exception of some delish to-die-for cesar salad at Emmy's Spagetti Shack around the corner or a spread of amazing cheeses while out wine tasting in the Russian River Valley when if I didn't eat the cheese I might just starve to death ;)  Haha!  You have to live life, right?  Everything in moderation, of course I still will not eat the flesh of another living, or previously living, thing.  That's just not ok for me.
So I'll try to keep a better blog journal of this adventure since it's bound to be full of fun stories to share.  I'm just super excited about having this personal goal, to train my body and mind to run a distance I've never run, to achieve something I've never achieved, to have a success to call my own and be proud of.  It's not about losing the baby weight, and it's just the beginning of what I plan to take on in my new life.

Last Friday was my last session with my therapist.  She left me :(  Actually she did, but only because she's moving back east to be near her family and the area she grew up.  It did come at the "perfect" time though as we had really done all the work there was to do.  Not saying I'll never have an issue again, but I overcame such hurdles and problems I've been carrying around for...forever...in the last year and a half that I've been seeing her that it was time for us to stop seeing each other.  I made her a gift out of my appreciation for her guidance and knowledge and support that lead me through this at times very painful journey.  It was a Tree of Life pendant in her birth stone.  Ironically she shared the symbolism to her life at this moment that my gift represented and the reminder of working with someone who gave her hope that people can recover.  We agreed to keep in touch and stated aloud the unknown circumstances of our paths crossing again.  We shared many hugs and after I got my kids belted into their car seats back in the parking garage I allowed the tears to flow.  I will miss her but it wasn't all about her, it was about ceremoniously leaving behind the old me and driving out into the light.  I took a totally new path home, winding my way through streets of the city I've never been down, going slow to ogle this house and that garden, etc.  All the while the rain fell, further washing away the old and cleansing the new.

a stroller mom Valentine's Day

As I listen to some beautiful love songs by the late Whitney Houston on this Valentine's eve I reflect on the day...

Teagan is still sleep training, or rather she is still waking up in the night screaming for unknown amounts of time and so Tyler is sleeping with us again - she teased us with 4 nights in a row of silent nights and then went back to her old ways.  Tyler seems to wake with daybreak at 7 and even though I've awoken as well I play my best part of still asleep as he gently begins jumping on me or holding my hands close to his mouth, even rubbing his teeth on them, as he grinds his teeth.  Usually when that last part happens I have to break my silence and like an actress playing a dead person I suddenly come to life tho only through  my voice as I say "TYLER, do NOT grind your teeth!" and then I snatch away my hand.  This game goes on a while before I give up and open my eyes and Tyler says "momma, it's daytime, let's go downstairs!"  If I didn't want to throw him against the wall so badly I would just kiss every inch of him!

So that's how my Valentine's Day began.  Tony is out of town so after we all had our breakfast I gave the cards he left to each recipient.  Tyler loves opening cards and when he saw the Elmo on this one he was very excited.  I read it to him but I think I was more touched by daddy's "will you be my valentine?" request than Tyler was!  Then Teagan's...which I opened for her...and she proceeded to eat!  I let her gum on it and enjoy it and mark it for a few minutes before taking it away lest her very first Valentine from her daddy be totally unreadable!  Tyler opened my card, a fanning of 12 red roses, which was very sweet.  Teagan gnawed on the gift box Tony had left for me and again I gave her the pleasure before she ingested too much fiber and then took it away.  A fun Day Of The Dead lady in pink dress with devil horns and devil tail.  Hey, jewelry gets old year after year!  Did I just say that?!  Well, ironically and silly enough, we spent Sunday together as an early Valentine's since Tony would be gone (my mom babysat) and we found ourselves at Nordstrom Rack where Tony bought for me some hot, rocker heels ($20!!) and a pair of Betsey Johnson earrings ($15!) of two pink birds sitting on a branch kissing.  That to me was my Valentine jewelry gift.  I just LOVE those earrings!!

As the morning dragged on I began to feel low.  I felt lonely and sorry for myself, even though it's not like I was really alone in the grand scheme, just currently, and even then not totally if you count my babies.  I decided I had to get busy to keep my mind off it.  I was thinking I'd take the kids to the Aquarium or Zoo or something special for the day but first I had to get Boris out for some exercise or he would destroy the house once we left.  So I piled us all in the car and drove up to Bernal Hill.  Yes, I drove us.  It's a freakin' steep mile or so to get there!  I suppose if I were really serious about losing this baby weight I would just push the double stroller up there, heart pounding out of my chest and lungs about to fail me...oh and maybe stop having a few drinks each night!  haha!  But time was of the essence, so we drove.  Boris ran straight to the area where all the gopher holes are and hovered.  Tyler ran over to him and asked me what he was doing and I told him he was hunting gophers.  I got bugged before long since I brought that damned dog up there to RUN not to stand over some hole with his ears perked up the whole time so I began to walk off while calling him and telling Tyler (who was standing there yelling at Boris to "come Borse" as well) that he would follow when he saw us leaving.  Hahahaha!!  Famous last words.  Suddenly the dog freaks out, jumps around and starts digging and barking.  Now the humorous thought enters my head "what's more irritating, the dog barking or the owner yelling at it to stop?"  I just feel like it's peaceful up there on that hill, high above the city, where there are no cars, just views of rooftops, so who wants to hear a dog barking OR an owner yelling at it?  So I stopped and just stood there.  Then what to my wondering eyes did appear??  Boris running away from the "scene" carrying his victim!  The damned dog actually caught the gopher!!!  Wow!  I was impressed and felt proud for a few minutes, like "hey peeps while your dog was over there sniffing some other dogs' butt mine caught a rodent!!"  But then I didn't really care and realized no one else did...altho they actually did when they realized what he was carrying as he ran in a giant circle for the next 10 minutes, shit you not.  They'd be all "what does he HAVE?" and I'd go "a gopher" as if it were no big deal.  So funny the reactions and comments.  One guy told me the gophers are full of nutrients and he knows a lady that brings her dog up there all the time just to catch and eat the gophers!  WTF?!  Then the more expected comment "your dog is gonna get sick if he eats that!"  All as I sit there with Teagan bouncing on my knee and Tyler trying to run after Boris.  I mean, there wasn't much I could do.  I tried yelling "Boris NO! Boris, DROP IT! Boris, STOP!" but all that falls on deaf ears.  I wonder if Boris really is deaf.  Nah.  He's just a fucker.  He ran this wide circle for 10 minutes, I swear, as I tried to get him to come close so I could take a picture since I could think of nothing else to do.  Then I decided if I didn't make a move to leave we would spend the entire day up there watching him run in circles with this poor, limp gopher hanging out of his mouth.  Duh, I should have thought of that minutes ago!  Walked to the car, Tyler trailing behind and Boris as well.  Got the kids in the car and Boris was looking at me like "you're gonna leave, huh?  can't I come with my prize?" and I gave him the look back that said "you are NOT bringing that muther fucking rodent into my car, dog, so you can leave it here and come with us or stay with your furry treat."  So I got him to drop it beside the car and then I got out my plastic bags meant for poopy, which weren't used because Boris was too busy hunting and gloating to poop, and I picked up the gopher.  On first grab I freaked, my hand wrapping around the fat little still warm body.  I did some tricky maneuver and that allowed minimal contact through plastic and finally had the dead vermin double wrapped in plastic and tossed it in the trash.  After I got Boris in the back of the car I told Tyler very seriously that he must not go near Boris for the rest of the day.  I was thinking, what can I use to wash this dog's mouth out?  I don't think he punctured the flesh, I think he just broke the poor thing's neck, but still.  {shiver}

Moving on...

After a couple little errands to the post office (sorry sweet sister, the heart shaped rose petal cookies I bought you would have cost $10 to send vs the $1 to mail the card only so I'm enjoying the cookies thinking of you!) and to the barber shop to get Tyler's hair cut (where I read the a old People article about Jaycee Lee Dugard's kidnapping and excerpts from her book) we made our way to the playground for Tyler to play.  On the way some disheveled looking man pops out of a van with a balloon and says "does your son want a balloon?  we said we would give a balloon to the first kid who walks by!" and I see a woman in the backseat of the the truck/van tying off more helium balloons and all I could think of was "run run run, kidnap, bad man, run!" but it wasn't like he was inviting us into his van to get the balloon, I kept my distance and a defensive stance (well, in retrospect not as much as I should have...ugh) and we waited as the guy tied a loop in the ribbon for Tyler to put around his wrist so the balloon wouldn't fly away.  He said they were going to a pre-school Valentine party (the balloons were red and silver) and he handed Tyler the balloon, wished us a happy day as did the woman in the van, and we walked on.  I thanked them sincerely and wondered to myself as we walked away how wrong or irrational it was of me to jump to conclusions and fear the worst, and yet...you just never know in this world and after reading that horrible article just 10 minutes before I felt like a mother on high protective alert.

We played at the playground a while then went to Martha Bros. for a cookie for Tyler (a fun little heart with red sugar sprinkles) and a decaf for mom.  After we sat down Tyler wanted some of my coffee and I warned him it was hot and that it had soy milk in it (not sure why I "warned" him of that last part) just as I busted out my boob for Teagan and suddenly the gramma next to me was chuckling and said "all I heard was "there's soy milk in there" and then you pulling out your breast!" Hahahaha, funny!  We all enjoyed our beverage and snack and were again on our way, this time home. 

Just inside the door Tyler fell asleep in the stroller.  Nice!  Now too bad Teagan was wide awake and yelling at her toys!  I was able to do a little web surfing and relaxing as I pondered what to do for Valentine's eve.  Decision made I changed diapers and pushed the stroller back out into the cold, windy evening.  Our favorite spot, Rosamunde, was having a beer & chocolate pairing/tasting tonight at 7 in honor of SF Beer Week and Valentine's Day and I'd really wanted to go.  The place serves food so kids are allowed so off I went.  What a scene it all turned out to be.  It wasn't too crowded when I arrived and ordered an Alagash Black to go with a large fries and vegan keilbasa.  I read Tyler's latest Thomas magazine to him as we waited for our food...Teagan still fast asleep in the stroller.  Halfway through the fries and one bite into the sausage Teagan woke up and wanted to be held.  Well.  That made things a whole lot more difficult.  We pushed everything out of her reach (the ketchup/dipping sauces, fries, beer, sausage, etc.) but as I took a bite of my sausage she grabbed the paper that was under it and suddenly sauerkraut was all over my lap, mustard everywhere, my face a mess, my hands a mess, Tyler looking on in awe as to how to help and a server passing by that offered to do...???  I waved her on, wiped myself down, pushed the sausage farther away, took a deep breath and a big gulp of beer and just proceeded.  Teagan was getting fussy so I got out her jar of organic mixed veggies, tied on a bib and started spooning it toward her yelping mouth.  Nope, not so impressed.  Suddenly and desperately I was whipping out the boob again, in the process getting mixed veggies all over my mammary, but alas my baby was happy suckling away.  Tyler ran off to run around the water station which has two ramps on either side vs two steps and he LOVES ramps.  I caught many an evil eye from both bartenders and patrons suddenly as I sat there with a babe to my boob and my other child running giddily around the establishment.  He wasn't really in anyone's way but he was a CHILD in this seemingly ADULT atmosphere as well as there i was BREASTFEEDING.  perhaps I'm over-reacting, I felt very vulnerable suddenly there, boob exposed, occasionally yelling at my toddler.  Like "who is this woman here with her baby & toddler?  aren't we all just trying to be adults and have some beer?"  But then I reminded myself it IS a "family" establishment and I had every right to be there and had certainly purchased my spot since going for a second round of Alagash...which didn't taste as good as the first :(  Of course, the real reason I was there, the beer & chocolate tasting.  Would I make it?  It was 645 and Teagan was starting to moan on the tit, a not infrequent sign that she just isn't happy regardless.  I powered through, kept her on the tap until five to seven and as I saw a line beginning to form at the bar I popped her off, pulled my shirt down, grabbed my wallet and marched up to the bar. 

Before I knew it (which was actually way too long since there were limited bar tenders and they had to pour these 4 specific "tastes" and set them up along with a little packaged square of chocolate and all the while Tyler is running around and the crowd in the place was growing and I could feel people thinking "what's with this kid running around?" as I stood there with this baby in my arms waiting to carry a board of beer & chocolate back to my table...where I sat alone, with my two kids) I was enjoying something totally new for me, beer & chocolate, together that is.  I've tasted wine and chocolate, esp. port & chocolate, but BEER and chocolate???  This was a special SF chocolatier, TCHO, and while all the beers I didn't like on their own, I actually found them very appealing paired with the specific chocolates.  There was: with a wheat beer a Serious Milk "Classic" Milk Chocolate, Rodenbach Grand Cru with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Nutty" flavor notes, Blind Pig IPA with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Chocolately" flavor notes and finally Trois Pistoles with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Fruity" flavor notes.  Of course I had a little tasting partner...Tyler was very eager and excited about eating the chocolate with me.

Sudden interruption as my mouth hangs agape way longer than necessary...I'm sitting in our guest room situated at the front of our house at the desk that sits in the front bay window.  It's nighttime but I still leave the blinds open...I like to look out, I hate feeling closed in even tho someone else might think of it as having privacy.  WELL I just saw some motion in the street outside and looked out to see two GIANT raccoons galloping (that's how it appeared) across the street.  Mind you this is a divided two lane each side thruway.  Raccoons aren't so new as we've had them come in the back door and visit on occasion, drawn in by the smell of cat food no doubt, but to see them out there in the road?  They ran to my side of the street but I didn't see where they went and I really wonder because a moment later a woman walked by clearly not having seen them.  So where did they scurry into?!  Oy vey!  Crazy trashy critters.

Anyway, that's the story.  Tyler and I gobbled the chocolate, and I gobbled the beer, all a lot faster than preferable, and soon we were outta there.  It was a cold, windy walk home and I had to pee like a muther but I was feeling good.  Much to my surprise and delight, despite the jumping around and squealing that Tyler did while I changed and dressed Teagan for bed, I managed to get that little chocolate fiend to bed not long after we got home and I haven't heard a peep from him since. 

I finished another beer as I wrote this, didn't need it but wanted it, at least it was a Heine and so practically like drinking water.  Guess I'll go to that next and perhaps try watching my netflix "The New World" which looks like it could be a love story in between battle scenes.  It's Valentine's Day...I should just go to bed but it feels like a special day, a holiday, something deserving of lack of sleep for not much payoff :)

Things that go BUMP in the night

It started last night just as I was falling asleep, of course.  At the sound of the “thump” I woke from my setting sleep, threw the covers off me and bolted out of bed across to the kid’s room…

I had spent a good amount of time and love earlier in the day to set up the beds in Tyler’s room so both kids could sleep in there and we’d finally have Teagan out of the bassinet in our room.  All of this has caused me much mixed emotions.  Graduating Tyler to his “big boy bed” because it was time (1^st sniffle – my baby is growing up!) and because his old crib would soon be Teagan’s new bed, wanting to get Teagan out of our room into the other room because she was outgrowing the bassinet (2^nd sniffle – my little baby is growing up!) and to hopefully start getting better sleep if I’m not hearing every gurgle, fart, sigh and mini fuss she makes in the night next to my bed.  However, not hearing any of that means not hearing that she’s still alive and I remember how hard that was when we kicked Tyler out of our room.  As I crawled into bed knowing she was just 20 feet away, bed to crib, across the hall, I still felt as if a piece of me was missing.  Do I feel this way when she naps during the day?  Sometimes.  I wonder if it’s because as a woman I carried this child in my own body for 9+ months, going through a range of changes in body and mind starting with morning sickness to being kicked in the ribs from the inside to screaming in pain as this new human enters the world through my small life porthole.  When my children aren’t with me, whether they are in the next room or at home as I run errands solo or wherever, I feel like something isn’t right.  In general of course when I’m at home it’s not a feeling that overwhelms me and causes me to abandon house cleaning or web surfing or showering just so I can stay in the same room where they are playing or napping.  As well as it not usually affecting me when I’m out and about, other than saying to myself out loud “wow, this is what it was like to run errands before kids!  This is SO easy!”  But as I’m driving down the road to Trader Joe’s I will look a few times in the rear view mirror at Tyler’s empty car seat, at the empty space where Teagan’s car seat goes, and I’ll wonder for a moment if it all wasn’t just a dream and how sad I would be if that were the case. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so I put all Teagan’s new garden butterfly bedding, bumpers, bed ruffle, etc. on the crib as I transferred some of Tyler’s bunny meadow bedding to the toddler bed and some into storage and the room was complete.  I remember when the room was a cluttered office and then the excitement of painting the walls for our first baby and now it was Tyler & Teagan’s room!  Tyler has been a little resistant to moving into the big boy bed, understandably, so I’ve tried to make it as comfy and cocoon-like as possible for him and list for him all the reasons it is way more fun and grown-up to be in it vs his old crib.  This was the very first night they would be sharing the room.  I’d been worrying about how it would work since the kids go to bed at different times but for the first night, at least, it went smoothly.  Tony was out so I bathed both kids, one at a time, then read to them with one on each knee and Teagan grabbing at the pages and trying to eat them and then reaching over to tug on big brother’s ear.  Then I turned out the lights and rocked them both in that position for a few minutes, telling Tyler softly that if his sister started crying in the night and mommy or daddy didn’t come right in that he could come get us.  Not sure why I said that, maybe so he didn’t feel like he’d have to sit there listening to her cry, although I’d have had to gone deaf for that to happen.  I tucked Tyler in and then laid Teagan in her new bed, suddenly irritated at myself for not raising the mattress back up to infant level from toddler level since it was physically impossible this way for me to lean down and give her sweet cheek a kiss and whisper I love you in her ear :(  I will have to fix that today, hopefully she won’t be scarred for life for missing it one night. 

Then there was that horrible “thump!”  In a flash I imagined Tyler had fallen out of his bed (which wouldn’t even be one foot up from a carpeted floor so not only wouldn’t make such a noise but also wouldn’t hurt him) or Teagan falling out of bed (which is virtually impossible since she’s surrounded by wooden jail bars) but I flew out of bed and to their room with the speed & intensity of a mother protecting her children.  Nothing amiss when I opened the door, just sleeping angels. Hmpf.  Back to bed I went.  Soon Tony came to bed and I asked him about the noise but he had no idea.  Great, am I hearing things now?!  

I knew it was going to be a rough night because of it being Teagan's first night out of our room but to add insult to injury I decided to start training Boris not to sleep on our bed.  This was the other big reason I wanted to move Teagan out, so I wouldn't disturb her sleep as I no doubt yelled at Boris all night long.  Oh boy.  I lay there in bed with my eyes wide open, just waiting for that dog to come up the stairs and jump up on the bed.  I had it all planned out and knew it wasn't going to be easy but for the sake of my sleep and nighttime mood I needed him off.  We have a king size bed, sure, but Boris is a large dog and he likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed!  If I can catch him before he settles in I can still get him to move to a different spot but once he's down and asleep it's impossible to move him.  I wake up too many nights with the covers pulling off me and this dead weight laying against my leg and I get so angry.  It takes a considerable amount of noise and kicking to wake him to move him and that has woken Teagan up in the past.  Also when he wakes up he generally decides to get up and stretch his legs at which time he does this thing that's made us dub him Helicopter Head where he shakes his head so fast & hard that his floppy ears make this loud helicopter noise as they smack against his head.  It's practically a joke how often and loud it happens.  

Eventually Boris came upstairs and jumped up on the bed and I immediately said "NO" and directed him off the bed and to a sleeping pad I'd put on the floor for him.  He wasn't having it so he went back downstairs.  I settled in, but knowing he'd be back I wasn't totally relaxed.  Soon he was back and up on the bed and again I said "NO" and "OFF" and he obliged.  We played this game too many times for me to count and then he just sat at the foot of the bed and whined.  And whined.  And whined.  Of course Tony is grumbling "why can't we just let him sleep on the bed?"  Then Teagan started crying so I went in to get her and poor Tyler had his head up off the pillow as if he was just waiting for me to come get his noisy sister.  I fed her and took her back into the other room.  The charades with Boris continued.  Then Teagan woke up crying again.  This time when I went in to get her Tyler said to me "Mommy, Teagan wants to sleep in your bed with you."  Poor guy.  I fed her again but when I tried putting her back in her crib she immediately started crying.  Tyler was right, she wanted to be in bed with me, so that's where I took her for the sake of getting a few hours rest that night.  Oy vey.  And after I settled into bed with her and Boris jumped up I didn't even flinch.  Fortunately Tony directed Boris to sleep on his side of the bed and that worked for me.  

As if all that weren't enough to ruin a person's sleep, in the late-early morning hours it would seem we had a visitor downstairs because with the same intensity as I'd jammed out of bed earlier now Boris was flying down the stairs to defend the house.  We heard some scurrying, scratching sounds like animal nails on the hardwood floor and then the sound of Boris running out the back door and down the back steps where he began barking.  And barking.  And barking.  Geezuz!  Tony went down to see what all the commotion was about and ended up closing the back door so Boris wouldn't keep going out and running around the backyard barking.  Either a neighbor cat or maybe even a raccoon had come in and was eating the kitty food.  We've had both happen so it wasn't a surprise.  Just another reason I woke up in the morning feeling like a zombie!

Lessons learned: 

My kids are going to grow up, I can't stop it and actually wouldn't want to but as sad as it can be I just have to get over it. 

Don't try to make more than one big change per night, or maybe per week.  It's just a dumb idea.

Next dog, if there ever is one, will be properly trained from the beginning!  yeah right.

New location for kitty food probably a good idea.

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black cats & broken records

Our black cat is named Mugsy but we call him many different names including Muggbutt, Mr. Mugglesworth, Mudgy and Mugglebottom.  He's a big, furry, lovable cat who has Herpes in one of his eyes so it's often very runny.  Some days Tony likes to ask me if I've seen Muggy's butthole and of course I say no even though sometimes it's hard not to with the way cats walk an inch from your face across whatever you are doing, tail held high.  He actually stepped on my peanut-butter toast the other day!!  Muggy has the biggest butthole of all our cats, not that I'm paying attention, but my husband has told me.  Mugs likes to perch on this one counter corner in the kitchen right by the door so he can swipe at anyone who walks by and doesn't give him a treat.  He loves his treats.  He sits there and meows and meows and meows.  When Tony is out of town I give Mugsy treats just once a day but he's used to getting a lot more when Tony is home.  My mom claims to love cats but does nothing but say mean things to Muggy when he snags her sweater as she walks by, but then she'll go get the treat packet and shake out more little brown square treats on the counter than Tony may give him all day.  Mugs comes and goes as he pleases, as do most cats, but he is a big lover and can be rather aggressive with getting love from you.  His nose seems to get all puckered when I scratch under his chin and this morning he let me give him a big, long belly rub on the bed.  Tony always asks me if I pet the animals to which I reply no because I think it is such an absurd question.  I just don't dote on them the way he does.  Me and the animals have an understanding, we live together, I feed them and scoop their poop and give them lovin but I have my own life.  Am I saying Tony doesn't have a life?  No, he does, he has more life than many of us half his age.  But I not only married the Mayor of Candyland (hahahaha, he hated when I called him that in a prior blog but all it means is that he's so happy-go-lucky it doesn't seem possible) but I also married Dr. Doolittle.  Then again, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit in this department.  I mean, I allowed if not welcomed and sought out many of the animals that live with us, if not all of them.  I love animals even though they make my work as cleaner of this house a lot harder.  Sometimes the things you love most cause you the most stress and you actually wonder for a few minutes in the heat of an especially stressful time if it is really worth it, but of course it generally is.  The fact that Boris is always sneaking himself a special human snack off the counters is incredibly aggravating and yet it's our fault for leaving it and trusting him.  And of course I don't actually question whether or not having kids was a good idea, and even if I did there's nothing I would do about it because the wonderfulness way outweighs the madness.  Like Teagan's guaranteed daily diaper blow-out.  I spend more time treating her poop stains than I care to admit.  Like Tyler wanting me to read the same damned Thomas magazine to him over and over and over or hearing him say "mommy" ten million times in a row for no reason it seems other than to hear himself say it!  At the end of the day I can laugh about it and I'm trying more often to laugh about it when it happens.  Tony says I allow myself to get too stressed out by the kids and all my "work."  He's right.  I probably don't spend enough time enjoying it because I'm all business, trying to get things done around the house like keeping it in some semblance of order, trying to make sure people are fed, diapers are changed, that my guests feel at home, blah blah blah blah blah.   I had a little breakdown at the therapist's this week, although it was probably hugely blown out of proportion due to my hangover.  Was the fact that I was hungover directly related to my little breakdown?  Perhaps.  Trying to cut loose and have fun and not staying in control.  But that's the old Tiffany, the pre-children Tiffany or at least the pre-Teagan Tiffany.  I've been working so hard to stay zen and it hasn't been that hard considering all the work I've done in therapy lately so I just don't get it.  But that IS typical Tiffany, questioning things when they are going well and then subconsciously stirring it up a little, adding a little drama or hiccup to make it feel normal again.  Not that I'm a drama queen by any means, but I'm emotional and introspective and somewhat suspicious I suppose.  I'm loving being a mother and I know I'm a good one but geez, I've only got two kids not five or eight or...I think my true calling has yet to be discovered.  The real reason I'm here, the real things waiting for me to get done.  Then again maybe I'm digging too deep and just trying to imagine some greater cause because I'm not taking care of making me happy, just everyone else.  Times like these I can see how people can be so devoted to their religions, but I'm not religious so where does that leave me?  It sure feels like the needle is stuck again.  I need to stop creating drama, feeling sorry for myself and not taking charge of my own needs.  What are my needs though?  That feels like the hardest part of all of this.  Is it daily yoga or running or some sort of exercise?  Is it being hyper-strictly bordering on obsessively regimented with my health and nutrition?  Is it making one piece of jewelry a day?  Is it painting or drawing or doing photography every day?  Is it writing every day, either my blog or in my journal or starting my book?  Or maybe just curling up with my hubby on the couch for a little snuggle time each night.  I've turned myself into a quasi ice queen and poor Tony is suffering. 

My "homework" from my therapist this week was to think about where all my guilt comes from and why I don't think I'm good enough.  Oh and then she wants to see me Monday so I don't even get a whole week to do my homework ;)  Guilt...I dunno.  I can speculate but don't think I will here, I think I'll keep that can of worms between my therapist and me.  Not good enough...well that kinda follows the guilt thing.  None of it too tragic but impactful all the same.  My therapist impressed on me this wasn't a crisis but rather a flare up of old behavior, then after an extra long end-of-session hug she told me I would get through this, that I was strong.  Then she said something to me that keeps ringing in my ears, she said "you are one of the strongest people I know."  Wow.