2 days to go...

I like people to think I'm a gutsy broad, that I'm very strong and courageous and talented. Ok, I know I'm all those things, and more, but what I mean is that I often do things that make people go "wow, I couldn't - or wouldn't - do that! hats off to you!" One of those things I think was taking this trip...with Tyler. The night before I left, laying in bed trying to calm my buzzing mind, I thought to myself "are you on crack?" and then reassured myself it would be ok. On the ride to the airport Tony half seriously suggested that I leave Tyler with him but I told him not to be silly, this was going to be ok. Besides, I haven't spent a single night away from him, nor him me (obviously) let alone 2 weeks! Also there was the fact that Auntie April was dying to see him. I couldn't leave him home. It would be ok. It has been ok - that said, I'm gathering all the strength, patience and energy I have left (which isn't much) to make it through the last few days. Wow, that makes it sound nearly horrible, and it's not, but I also think I'm just being very strong and not allowing myself to admit or really feel the drain. When I land in San Francisco on Wednesday after being gone for 16 days and just finishing nearly 13 hours of flying between 2 flights starting at 430 a.m. I fully expect myself to break down in tears and crumble in Tony's arms when I see him. No, it hasn't been a nightmare, at all, but it has been a HUGE challenge. Throughout each day I beat myself up inside for putting Tyler through all this. I know he will not be scarred for life - or even remember this! But it has taken a toll on me. I know I'm a good mom and I'm an awesome traveler but I also tend to extend myself where I probably shouldn't, all for the sake of Living Life! I don't regret this trip and I don't regret bringing Tyler but I just needed to take a minute to feel sorry for myself, to beat up on myself, to admit that I'm not quite as strong and fabulous - notice I said not quite as ;) I need to cry but I can't, and that largely has to do with my blazing allergy headache and knowing that even though tears may relieve a little of one pain, they will likely greatly increase another, i.e. my headache.

Tyler is napping now on April's bed - maybe there is a god?! We've had a rough morning and I'm pretty sure he's not feeling well. I gave him some tylenol and lots of love but he's refused much of his food and hasn't taken his bottle at all in 12+ hours. I summoned all my patience as he pinched me repeatedly and got into messes and attempted to drink from Auntie April's lotion bottle and then kept waking up as I laid him down after rocking him and singing him to sleep in my arms. April is teaching a class but should be home in an hour, we are supposed to do the last bit of sight seeing before I leave Wednesday at the ass-crack of dawn. All I want to do is stay in this apartment, work on my blog, re-pack, avoid the flying pollen outside and rest my achey bones. But I'll muster up the spirit and pack Tyler into the stroller and at the end of the day I'll be glad I did. And before I know it I'll be home and life will return to normal...and I'll be dreaming and plotting the next trip!!