Time...such a crazy measurement. Ok, not really so CRAZY as it is slippery and precious and fleeting. I lose time a lot, I don't know how but I just do. I'm always busy...taking care of kids, the house, the pets, exercising, eating, showering, sleeping, reading, writing, etc. I don't often waste time anymore, I don't have enough of a surplus. Then again, we all have the very same 24 hours each day, 7 days a week. What we do with them is in our control. Before kids I wasted a lot of time but I also had trouble finding meaning in my life so it wasn't such a big deal to go to bed at 6 pm and sleep until 6 am or to just stare out the window for an hour observing the world or to have a dance party in my bedroom by myself for hours while sipping cocktails, etc. Having kids has changed my attitude about life and the meaning of it enormously. I spend a lot more time these days doing monotonous things but at least I feel productive and that what I'm doing is making a difference in my children's lives. I've also had to once and for all take responsibility for my own happiness because now that I have kids I'm not going ANYWHERE, at least by my own hand and yes, sadly, that was something I used to think about. I'm stuck here now and I want to be the best role model for my kids possible, and they've given me a second chance at making my life worth something TO ME. The number one thing that makes me happy is my little family, Tyler, Teagan and Tony but they aren't here to make me happy, they aren't responsible for how I will review the life I lead when I'm on my deathbed.
I have always been an artist, I've just always had an interest and a knack for it and spent time as a child drawing the flowers in our yard or some supermodel in a magazine. I took art in school and even won a grip of awards, many 1st place, from several fairs and shows in the community. I loved it but I didn't think about doing anything with it, I didn't know how and anyway life was throwing me some real wrenches and soon I was off on a completely different path. I got married at 17 and moved across the country where my husband was stationed at Ft. Benning, Georgia. Suddenly I was a wife and working in an office...not exactly where I imagined myself at that age, but hey I made the decision to be there. Soon I picked up the drawing pad again esp. when I found myself alone for weeks at a time when my husband was gone on field maneuvers. I produced some decent, fun stuff which I proudly hung on the walls of our mobile home. I entered some contests but never won anything and perhaps felt more like a failure than I should have, AT ALL. Time passed and my life hit several potholes (my marriage ended for one) and I course corrected each time as best I could and kept on going, which is just what you do. I've been told not everyone does though, that some people allow the pothole to destroy them or they don't really course correct and just end up back in the same pothole or in another. Yes, I'm a survivor and I always land on my feet. As I mentioned in my last post, there were way too many times I shouldn't have been allowed to pass Go and though I'm not a religious person I've often wondered if I have a guardian angel of sorts or if perhaps I was just meant to be a part of something big in the future. Or maybe it was just luck! Regardless, I digress, over those years I picked up the drawing pad a couple times and then the paint brush and would just lose myself in it! It always felt so right...but life always came along and for lack of things like time, money, self-confidence, etc. I always ended up leaving art behind.
Then I became a mom, first to my son Tyler then to my daughter Teagan. My world was rocked, I was in love with my creations and my life had meaning at last! I tried to be the super stay-at-home mom and nearly drove myself into the ground but it was all for a good reason, I thought. During that time I also FINALLY found a therapist who GOT me and really helped guide me out from under all the shit that had been plaguing and haunting and tainting my life for as long as I could remember. I grew and become strong and found a balance with life and started making time for ME. Very serendipitously, as that same time, I became reacquainted via Face book with a high school classmate who is now a professional artist. She wrote about her story and while the details were very different between us, it was clear we had both gone through some tough struggles. So with my new found strength and feet planted firmly and happily in the present, looking up to this peer on how she balances being a mom and artist and true to herself, I picked up the paintbrushes again! Then with the support of my husband, the help of another good friend and fellow artist who lends me endless technique advice and gifted me much of my current supply of paints and brushes, and last but certainly not least my kids though they aren't conscious of it but provide me the time to paint by being so well behaved, I proudly and confidently call myself a true professional artist now. I definitely have a ways to go before that "professional" part takes the form I'd like it to, but I've sold several pieces and been accepted in a show so I'm on my way. To where? I have goals for sure, like having my own show by the time I'm 40, and making enough money and difference (via philanthropic efforts) to never have to go back to a full time desk job ever again. I not only am happiest in the actual production of making art (aside from being with my family) but it is important to me to make a difference in other people's lives with my art. For now what that equates to is keeping myself sane from the monotony's and ups and down of life which in turn equates to happy kids and a happy husband.
So I come back around to that 'ol technicality, Time. It just isn't always possible to paint every day or for several hours at a time but I'm taking it where I can get it AND I'm patient with myself when I just can't get to it. My number one priority is my family but even when I'm not sitting at my easel my brain is thinking about the piece that is waiting for the next layer of paint or what my next subject should be, etc. I worried for a while about finding my niche and my style when a friend said to me that I already have! Whoa that was a crazy mind blowing realization, so simple and right in front of me the whole time and yet holding me back. That block out of the way I feel like things are flowing easier though I'm still trying out new techniques and brainstorming different compositions. I'm still critical of my work, as I'm sure all artists are to a point, but am forgiving of myself since I'm still in the early phases of this wonderful rediscovered part of my life. I do need to better organize my day so I can get to the paint more often since the only thing that will make me a better artist is doing it as much as possible and then again and again and again. So I need to get up earlier so I can get my exercise out of the way and the house stuff taken care of, freeing up more time later when Teagan is napping to do my art. I need to work more efficiently, not hesitate so much about the next paint stroke, not be afraid to make mistakes because those only lead to growth.
Time. It's 8:39 pm and I don't like painting at night because I don't have sufficient lighting (something I need to take care of!) and if I'm going to be up early to exercise and be productive and creative I need my sleep!! The time spent on this blog was worth it to me because I'm also a writer and writing helps me organize my thoughts and emotions which in turn helps me stay balanced and happy and therefore a better artist.
Tick tock
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