I've discovered, at least for me, that life seems to happen just when you need it. Sometimes you don't want it...the lessons and stumbles aren't always nice...but the universe knows better and has it all under control. Of course I consider myself fairly privileged so perhaps this doesn't pertain to everyone, like the poor families devastated by the tornadoes in recent weeks. With little exception however, I think we have the ability to rise above most situations handed to us. Although I find that I may be contradicting myself here, stating the "universe has it under control" and yet that we as individuals have the power to control our lives. Haha, that's me, best of intentions, heart of gold, belief in the power of the individual, sometimes contradictory, has been known not to follow through and yet, like a cat, always lands on my feet - preferably wearing some fabulous stilettos ;) Tony and I recently had a conversation about how he should interpret and act upon the things that come out of my mouth, like when I talk about wanting to change a habit or take on some new discipline. He said "I want to support you, but when you say one thing and then do another I get frustrated" to which I replied "why do you have to take everything I say as serious?" which is basically just my way of trying to excuse my laziness or lack of strength and determination at the time. Truth is, when the stars are aligned I'm a power to be reckoned with and everyone better stand back because I'm going to leave a blazing trail in my wake. It has happened many times in my life and I've failed to give myself proper credit but that has changed. I know my potential and I'm in the process of meeting it. But it hasn't happened so easily and casualties of the game I've had no control over have thrown me off balance, but I stand tall now and ready to take on the world.
Several months ago I wrote a blog proclaiming my intention to get back in shape, pick up an exercise routine and drop the last 15 lbs of baby weight I'm carrying. Over brunch a few weeks ago a friend I see only occasionally through the year asked me if I was still running. Running after my kids, I told her! Then I realized she had read that blog and without hearing anything else about the subject since wondered if I was keeping to my goal. I told her a white lie then, or rather just gave some muffled, cryptic, half response that I think just left her with not knowing how to interpret it or how to respond so the subject was dropped - Score! It's not like I hadn't thought about that blog or that I layed it out for the world and then didn't follow through, even though no one lost but me. And the funny thing about motherhood, I've discovered, is that while I probably wouldn't be happy with my appearance if I was still carrying all 95 lbs I gained over the two pregnancies, I'm a lot more forgiving about my body now. A LOT. Then again, I stay home and my uniform is jeans and a tee shirt or sweater with Converse or Ugg boots and how often do I go OUT out? And even when I do, I no longer need to lure in a man. Of course apathy is not what I'm trying to support here and couldn't be farther from the truth actually. I'm so impressed and in awe of what my body has done, how it created, grew and gave birth to two little humans and that's only its most recent accomplishments. I like looking good but I also like feeling good and I'm realistic about my life and attainables and at what cost they come.
So after feeling that I've recently shed my old skin, giving way to a whole new me, or rather uncovering the me that has been hidden all this time, the stars finally aligned. A few other things happened, but I'll get into that later. I registered for a half marathon June 3rd here in the bay area and I've begun my training. I found a 12 week program on line which seemed very doable and I have my goal in site! I figure by default I'll probably lose most if not all of this baby weight in the next 12 weeks of running and I already follow a healthy vegan diet - with the very rare exception of some delish to-die-for cesar salad at Emmy's Spagetti Shack around the corner or a spread of amazing cheeses while out wine tasting in the Russian River Valley when if I didn't eat the cheese I might just starve to death ;) Haha! You have to live life, right? Everything in moderation, of course I still will not eat the flesh of another living, or previously living, thing. That's just not ok for me.
So I'll try to keep a better blog journal of this adventure since it's bound to be full of fun stories to share. I'm just super excited about having this personal goal, to train my body and mind to run a distance I've never run, to achieve something I've never achieved, to have a success to call my own and be proud of. It's not about losing the baby weight, and it's just the beginning of what I plan to take on in my new life.
Last Friday was my last session with my therapist. She left me :( Actually she did, but only because she's moving back east to be near her family and the area she grew up. It did come at the "perfect" time though as we had really done all the work there was to do. Not saying I'll never have an issue again, but I overcame such hurdles and problems I've been carrying around for...forever...in the last year and a half that I've been seeing her that it was time for us to stop seeing each other. I made her a gift out of my appreciation for her guidance and knowledge and support that lead me through this at times very painful journey. It was a Tree of Life pendant in her birth stone. Ironically she shared the symbolism to her life at this moment that my gift represented and the reminder of working with someone who gave her hope that people can recover. We agreed to keep in touch and stated aloud the unknown circumstances of our paths crossing again. We shared many hugs and after I got my kids belted into their car seats back in the parking garage I allowed the tears to flow. I will miss her but it wasn't all about her, it was about ceremoniously leaving behind the old me and driving out into the light. I took a totally new path home, winding my way through streets of the city I've never been down, going slow to ogle this house and that garden, etc. All the while the rain fell, further washing away the old and cleansing the new.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
a stroller mom Valentine's Day
As I listen to some beautiful love songs by the late Whitney Houston on this Valentine's eve I reflect on the day...
Teagan is still sleep training, or rather she is still waking up in the night screaming for unknown amounts of time and so Tyler is sleeping with us again - she teased us with 4 nights in a row of silent nights and then went back to her old ways. Tyler seems to wake with daybreak at 7 and even though I've awoken as well I play my best part of still asleep as he gently begins jumping on me or holding my hands close to his mouth, even rubbing his teeth on them, as he grinds his teeth. Usually when that last part happens I have to break my silence and like an actress playing a dead person I suddenly come to life tho only through my voice as I say "TYLER, do NOT grind your teeth!" and then I snatch away my hand. This game goes on a while before I give up and open my eyes and Tyler says "momma, it's daytime, let's go downstairs!" If I didn't want to throw him against the wall so badly I would just kiss every inch of him!
So that's how my Valentine's Day began. Tony is out of town so after we all had our breakfast I gave the cards he left to each recipient. Tyler loves opening cards and when he saw the Elmo on this one he was very excited. I read it to him but I think I was more touched by daddy's "will you be my valentine?" request than Tyler was! Then Teagan's...which I opened for her...and she proceeded to eat! I let her gum on it and enjoy it and mark it for a few minutes before taking it away lest her very first Valentine from her daddy be totally unreadable! Tyler opened my card, a fanning of 12 red roses, which was very sweet. Teagan gnawed on the gift box Tony had left for me and again I gave her the pleasure before she ingested too much fiber and then took it away. A fun Day Of The Dead lady in pink dress with devil horns and devil tail. Hey, jewelry gets old year after year! Did I just say that?! Well, ironically and silly enough, we spent Sunday together as an early Valentine's since Tony would be gone (my mom babysat) and we found ourselves at Nordstrom Rack where Tony bought for me some hot, rocker heels ($20!!) and a pair of Betsey Johnson earrings ($15!) of two pink birds sitting on a branch kissing. That to me was my Valentine jewelry gift. I just LOVE those earrings!!
As the morning dragged on I began to feel low. I felt lonely and sorry for myself, even though it's not like I was really alone in the grand scheme, just currently, and even then not totally if you count my babies. I decided I had to get busy to keep my mind off it. I was thinking I'd take the kids to the Aquarium or Zoo or something special for the day but first I had to get Boris out for some exercise or he would destroy the house once we left. So I piled us all in the car and drove up to Bernal Hill. Yes, I drove us. It's a freakin' steep mile or so to get there! I suppose if I were really serious about losing this baby weight I would just push the double stroller up there, heart pounding out of my chest and lungs about to fail me...oh and maybe stop having a few drinks each night! haha! But time was of the essence, so we drove. Boris ran straight to the area where all the gopher holes are and hovered. Tyler ran over to him and asked me what he was doing and I told him he was hunting gophers. I got bugged before long since I brought that damned dog up there to RUN not to stand over some hole with his ears perked up the whole time so I began to walk off while calling him and telling Tyler (who was standing there yelling at Boris to "come Borse" as well) that he would follow when he saw us leaving. Hahahaha!! Famous last words. Suddenly the dog freaks out, jumps around and starts digging and barking. Now the humorous thought enters my head "what's more irritating, the dog barking or the owner yelling at it to stop?" I just feel like it's peaceful up there on that hill, high above the city, where there are no cars, just views of rooftops, so who wants to hear a dog barking OR an owner yelling at it? So I stopped and just stood there. Then what to my wondering eyes did appear?? Boris running away from the "scene" carrying his victim! The damned dog actually caught the gopher!!! Wow! I was impressed and felt proud for a few minutes, like "hey peeps while your dog was over there sniffing some other dogs' butt mine caught a rodent!!" But then I didn't really care and realized no one else did...altho they actually did when they realized what he was carrying as he ran in a giant circle for the next 10 minutes, shit you not. They'd be all "what does he HAVE?" and I'd go "a gopher" as if it were no big deal. So funny the reactions and comments. One guy told me the gophers are full of nutrients and he knows a lady that brings her dog up there all the time just to catch and eat the gophers! WTF?! Then the more expected comment "your dog is gonna get sick if he eats that!" All as I sit there with Teagan bouncing on my knee and Tyler trying to run after Boris. I mean, there wasn't much I could do. I tried yelling "Boris NO! Boris, DROP IT! Boris, STOP!" but all that falls on deaf ears. I wonder if Boris really is deaf. Nah. He's just a fucker. He ran this wide circle for 10 minutes, I swear, as I tried to get him to come close so I could take a picture since I could think of nothing else to do. Then I decided if I didn't make a move to leave we would spend the entire day up there watching him run in circles with this poor, limp gopher hanging out of his mouth. Duh, I should have thought of that minutes ago! Walked to the car, Tyler trailing behind and Boris as well. Got the kids in the car and Boris was looking at me like "you're gonna leave, huh? can't I come with my prize?" and I gave him the look back that said "you are NOT bringing that muther fucking rodent into my car, dog, so you can leave it here and come with us or stay with your furry treat." So I got him to drop it beside the car and then I got out my plastic bags meant for poopy, which weren't used because Boris was too busy hunting and gloating to poop, and I picked up the gopher. On first grab I freaked, my hand wrapping around the fat little still warm body. I did some tricky maneuver and that allowed minimal contact through plastic and finally had the dead vermin double wrapped in plastic and tossed it in the trash. After I got Boris in the back of the car I told Tyler very seriously that he must not go near Boris for the rest of the day. I was thinking, what can I use to wash this dog's mouth out? I don't think he punctured the flesh, I think he just broke the poor thing's neck, but still. {shiver}
Moving on...
After a couple little errands to the post office (sorry sweet sister, the heart shaped rose petal cookies I bought you would have cost $10 to send vs the $1 to mail the card only so I'm enjoying the cookies thinking of you!) and to the barber shop to get Tyler's hair cut (where I read the a old People article about Jaycee Lee Dugard's kidnapping and excerpts from her book) we made our way to the playground for Tyler to play. On the way some disheveled looking man pops out of a van with a balloon and says "does your son want a balloon? we said we would give a balloon to the first kid who walks by!" and I see a woman in the backseat of the the truck/van tying off more helium balloons and all I could think of was "run run run, kidnap, bad man, run!" but it wasn't like he was inviting us into his van to get the balloon, I kept my distance and a defensive stance (well, in retrospect not as much as I should have...ugh) and we waited as the guy tied a loop in the ribbon for Tyler to put around his wrist so the balloon wouldn't fly away. He said they were going to a pre-school Valentine party (the balloons were red and silver) and he handed Tyler the balloon, wished us a happy day as did the woman in the van, and we walked on. I thanked them sincerely and wondered to myself as we walked away how wrong or irrational it was of me to jump to conclusions and fear the worst, and yet...you just never know in this world and after reading that horrible article just 10 minutes before I felt like a mother on high protective alert.
We played at the playground a while then went to Martha Bros. for a cookie for Tyler (a fun little heart with red sugar sprinkles) and a decaf for mom. After we sat down Tyler wanted some of my coffee and I warned him it was hot and that it had soy milk in it (not sure why I "warned" him of that last part) just as I busted out my boob for Teagan and suddenly the gramma next to me was chuckling and said "all I heard was "there's soy milk in there" and then you pulling out your breast!" Hahahaha, funny! We all enjoyed our beverage and snack and were again on our way, this time home.
Just inside the door Tyler fell asleep in the stroller. Nice! Now too bad Teagan was wide awake and yelling at her toys! I was able to do a little web surfing and relaxing as I pondered what to do for Valentine's eve. Decision made I changed diapers and pushed the stroller back out into the cold, windy evening. Our favorite spot, Rosamunde, was having a beer & chocolate pairing/tasting tonight at 7 in honor of SF Beer Week and Valentine's Day and I'd really wanted to go. The place serves food so kids are allowed so off I went. What a scene it all turned out to be. It wasn't too crowded when I arrived and ordered an Alagash Black to go with a large fries and vegan keilbasa. I read Tyler's latest Thomas magazine to him as we waited for our food...Teagan still fast asleep in the stroller. Halfway through the fries and one bite into the sausage Teagan woke up and wanted to be held. Well. That made things a whole lot more difficult. We pushed everything out of her reach (the ketchup/dipping sauces, fries, beer, sausage, etc.) but as I took a bite of my sausage she grabbed the paper that was under it and suddenly sauerkraut was all over my lap, mustard everywhere, my face a mess, my hands a mess, Tyler looking on in awe as to how to help and a server passing by that offered to do...??? I waved her on, wiped myself down, pushed the sausage farther away, took a deep breath and a big gulp of beer and just proceeded. Teagan was getting fussy so I got out her jar of organic mixed veggies, tied on a bib and started spooning it toward her yelping mouth. Nope, not so impressed. Suddenly and desperately I was whipping out the boob again, in the process getting mixed veggies all over my mammary, but alas my baby was happy suckling away. Tyler ran off to run around the water station which has two ramps on either side vs two steps and he LOVES ramps. I caught many an evil eye from both bartenders and patrons suddenly as I sat there with a babe to my boob and my other child running giddily around the establishment. He wasn't really in anyone's way but he was a CHILD in this seemingly ADULT atmosphere as well as there i was BREASTFEEDING. perhaps I'm over-reacting, I felt very vulnerable suddenly there, boob exposed, occasionally yelling at my toddler. Like "who is this woman here with her baby & toddler? aren't we all just trying to be adults and have some beer?" But then I reminded myself it IS a "family" establishment and I had every right to be there and had certainly purchased my spot since going for a second round of Alagash...which didn't taste as good as the first :( Of course, the real reason I was there, the beer & chocolate tasting. Would I make it? It was 645 and Teagan was starting to moan on the tit, a not infrequent sign that she just isn't happy regardless. I powered through, kept her on the tap until five to seven and as I saw a line beginning to form at the bar I popped her off, pulled my shirt down, grabbed my wallet and marched up to the bar.
Before I knew it (which was actually way too long since there were limited bar tenders and they had to pour these 4 specific "tastes" and set them up along with a little packaged square of chocolate and all the while Tyler is running around and the crowd in the place was growing and I could feel people thinking "what's with this kid running around?" as I stood there with this baby in my arms waiting to carry a board of beer & chocolate back to my table...where I sat alone, with my two kids) I was enjoying something totally new for me, beer & chocolate, together that is. I've tasted wine and chocolate, esp. port & chocolate, but BEER and chocolate??? This was a special SF chocolatier, TCHO, and while all the beers I didn't like on their own, I actually found them very appealing paired with the specific chocolates. There was: with a wheat beer a Serious Milk "Classic" Milk Chocolate, Rodenbach Grand Cru with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Nutty" flavor notes, Blind Pig IPA with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Chocolately" flavor notes and finally Trois Pistoles with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Fruity" flavor notes. Of course I had a little tasting partner...Tyler was very eager and excited about eating the chocolate with me.
Sudden interruption as my mouth hangs agape way longer than necessary...I'm sitting in our guest room situated at the front of our house at the desk that sits in the front bay window. It's nighttime but I still leave the blinds open...I like to look out, I hate feeling closed in even tho someone else might think of it as having privacy. WELL I just saw some motion in the street outside and looked out to see two GIANT raccoons galloping (that's how it appeared) across the street. Mind you this is a divided two lane each side thruway. Raccoons aren't so new as we've had them come in the back door and visit on occasion, drawn in by the smell of cat food no doubt, but to see them out there in the road? They ran to my side of the street but I didn't see where they went and I really wonder because a moment later a woman walked by clearly not having seen them. So where did they scurry into?! Oy vey! Crazy trashy critters.
Anyway, that's the story. Tyler and I gobbled the chocolate, and I gobbled the beer, all a lot faster than preferable, and soon we were outta there. It was a cold, windy walk home and I had to pee like a muther but I was feeling good. Much to my surprise and delight, despite the jumping around and squealing that Tyler did while I changed and dressed Teagan for bed, I managed to get that little chocolate fiend to bed not long after we got home and I haven't heard a peep from him since.
I finished another beer as I wrote this, didn't need it but wanted it, at least it was a Heine and so practically like drinking water. Guess I'll go to that next and perhaps try watching my netflix "The New World" which looks like it could be a love story in between battle scenes. It's Valentine's Day...I should just go to bed but it feels like a special day, a holiday, something deserving of lack of sleep for not much payoff :)
Teagan is still sleep training, or rather she is still waking up in the night screaming for unknown amounts of time and so Tyler is sleeping with us again - she teased us with 4 nights in a row of silent nights and then went back to her old ways. Tyler seems to wake with daybreak at 7 and even though I've awoken as well I play my best part of still asleep as he gently begins jumping on me or holding my hands close to his mouth, even rubbing his teeth on them, as he grinds his teeth. Usually when that last part happens I have to break my silence and like an actress playing a dead person I suddenly come to life tho only through my voice as I say "TYLER, do NOT grind your teeth!" and then I snatch away my hand. This game goes on a while before I give up and open my eyes and Tyler says "momma, it's daytime, let's go downstairs!" If I didn't want to throw him against the wall so badly I would just kiss every inch of him!
So that's how my Valentine's Day began. Tony is out of town so after we all had our breakfast I gave the cards he left to each recipient. Tyler loves opening cards and when he saw the Elmo on this one he was very excited. I read it to him but I think I was more touched by daddy's "will you be my valentine?" request than Tyler was! Then Teagan's...which I opened for her...and she proceeded to eat! I let her gum on it and enjoy it and mark it for a few minutes before taking it away lest her very first Valentine from her daddy be totally unreadable! Tyler opened my card, a fanning of 12 red roses, which was very sweet. Teagan gnawed on the gift box Tony had left for me and again I gave her the pleasure before she ingested too much fiber and then took it away. A fun Day Of The Dead lady in pink dress with devil horns and devil tail. Hey, jewelry gets old year after year! Did I just say that?! Well, ironically and silly enough, we spent Sunday together as an early Valentine's since Tony would be gone (my mom babysat) and we found ourselves at Nordstrom Rack where Tony bought for me some hot, rocker heels ($20!!) and a pair of Betsey Johnson earrings ($15!) of two pink birds sitting on a branch kissing. That to me was my Valentine jewelry gift. I just LOVE those earrings!!
As the morning dragged on I began to feel low. I felt lonely and sorry for myself, even though it's not like I was really alone in the grand scheme, just currently, and even then not totally if you count my babies. I decided I had to get busy to keep my mind off it. I was thinking I'd take the kids to the Aquarium or Zoo or something special for the day but first I had to get Boris out for some exercise or he would destroy the house once we left. So I piled us all in the car and drove up to Bernal Hill. Yes, I drove us. It's a freakin' steep mile or so to get there! I suppose if I were really serious about losing this baby weight I would just push the double stroller up there, heart pounding out of my chest and lungs about to fail me...oh and maybe stop having a few drinks each night! haha! But time was of the essence, so we drove. Boris ran straight to the area where all the gopher holes are and hovered. Tyler ran over to him and asked me what he was doing and I told him he was hunting gophers. I got bugged before long since I brought that damned dog up there to RUN not to stand over some hole with his ears perked up the whole time so I began to walk off while calling him and telling Tyler (who was standing there yelling at Boris to "come Borse" as well) that he would follow when he saw us leaving. Hahahaha!! Famous last words. Suddenly the dog freaks out, jumps around and starts digging and barking. Now the humorous thought enters my head "what's more irritating, the dog barking or the owner yelling at it to stop?" I just feel like it's peaceful up there on that hill, high above the city, where there are no cars, just views of rooftops, so who wants to hear a dog barking OR an owner yelling at it? So I stopped and just stood there. Then what to my wondering eyes did appear?? Boris running away from the "scene" carrying his victim! The damned dog actually caught the gopher!!! Wow! I was impressed and felt proud for a few minutes, like "hey peeps while your dog was over there sniffing some other dogs' butt mine caught a rodent!!" But then I didn't really care and realized no one else did...altho they actually did when they realized what he was carrying as he ran in a giant circle for the next 10 minutes, shit you not. They'd be all "what does he HAVE?" and I'd go "a gopher" as if it were no big deal. So funny the reactions and comments. One guy told me the gophers are full of nutrients and he knows a lady that brings her dog up there all the time just to catch and eat the gophers! WTF?! Then the more expected comment "your dog is gonna get sick if he eats that!" All as I sit there with Teagan bouncing on my knee and Tyler trying to run after Boris. I mean, there wasn't much I could do. I tried yelling "Boris NO! Boris, DROP IT! Boris, STOP!" but all that falls on deaf ears. I wonder if Boris really is deaf. Nah. He's just a fucker. He ran this wide circle for 10 minutes, I swear, as I tried to get him to come close so I could take a picture since I could think of nothing else to do. Then I decided if I didn't make a move to leave we would spend the entire day up there watching him run in circles with this poor, limp gopher hanging out of his mouth. Duh, I should have thought of that minutes ago! Walked to the car, Tyler trailing behind and Boris as well. Got the kids in the car and Boris was looking at me like "you're gonna leave, huh? can't I come with my prize?" and I gave him the look back that said "you are NOT bringing that muther fucking rodent into my car, dog, so you can leave it here and come with us or stay with your furry treat." So I got him to drop it beside the car and then I got out my plastic bags meant for poopy, which weren't used because Boris was too busy hunting and gloating to poop, and I picked up the gopher. On first grab I freaked, my hand wrapping around the fat little still warm body. I did some tricky maneuver and that allowed minimal contact through plastic and finally had the dead vermin double wrapped in plastic and tossed it in the trash. After I got Boris in the back of the car I told Tyler very seriously that he must not go near Boris for the rest of the day. I was thinking, what can I use to wash this dog's mouth out? I don't think he punctured the flesh, I think he just broke the poor thing's neck, but still. {shiver}
Moving on...
After a couple little errands to the post office (sorry sweet sister, the heart shaped rose petal cookies I bought you would have cost $10 to send vs the $1 to mail the card only so I'm enjoying the cookies thinking of you!) and to the barber shop to get Tyler's hair cut (where I read the a old People article about Jaycee Lee Dugard's kidnapping and excerpts from her book) we made our way to the playground for Tyler to play. On the way some disheveled looking man pops out of a van with a balloon and says "does your son want a balloon? we said we would give a balloon to the first kid who walks by!" and I see a woman in the backseat of the the truck/van tying off more helium balloons and all I could think of was "run run run, kidnap, bad man, run!" but it wasn't like he was inviting us into his van to get the balloon, I kept my distance and a defensive stance (well, in retrospect not as much as I should have...ugh) and we waited as the guy tied a loop in the ribbon for Tyler to put around his wrist so the balloon wouldn't fly away. He said they were going to a pre-school Valentine party (the balloons were red and silver) and he handed Tyler the balloon, wished us a happy day as did the woman in the van, and we walked on. I thanked them sincerely and wondered to myself as we walked away how wrong or irrational it was of me to jump to conclusions and fear the worst, and yet...you just never know in this world and after reading that horrible article just 10 minutes before I felt like a mother on high protective alert.
We played at the playground a while then went to Martha Bros. for a cookie for Tyler (a fun little heart with red sugar sprinkles) and a decaf for mom. After we sat down Tyler wanted some of my coffee and I warned him it was hot and that it had soy milk in it (not sure why I "warned" him of that last part) just as I busted out my boob for Teagan and suddenly the gramma next to me was chuckling and said "all I heard was "there's soy milk in there" and then you pulling out your breast!" Hahahaha, funny! We all enjoyed our beverage and snack and were again on our way, this time home.
Just inside the door Tyler fell asleep in the stroller. Nice! Now too bad Teagan was wide awake and yelling at her toys! I was able to do a little web surfing and relaxing as I pondered what to do for Valentine's eve. Decision made I changed diapers and pushed the stroller back out into the cold, windy evening. Our favorite spot, Rosamunde, was having a beer & chocolate pairing/tasting tonight at 7 in honor of SF Beer Week and Valentine's Day and I'd really wanted to go. The place serves food so kids are allowed so off I went. What a scene it all turned out to be. It wasn't too crowded when I arrived and ordered an Alagash Black to go with a large fries and vegan keilbasa. I read Tyler's latest Thomas magazine to him as we waited for our food...Teagan still fast asleep in the stroller. Halfway through the fries and one bite into the sausage Teagan woke up and wanted to be held. Well. That made things a whole lot more difficult. We pushed everything out of her reach (the ketchup/dipping sauces, fries, beer, sausage, etc.) but as I took a bite of my sausage she grabbed the paper that was under it and suddenly sauerkraut was all over my lap, mustard everywhere, my face a mess, my hands a mess, Tyler looking on in awe as to how to help and a server passing by that offered to do...??? I waved her on, wiped myself down, pushed the sausage farther away, took a deep breath and a big gulp of beer and just proceeded. Teagan was getting fussy so I got out her jar of organic mixed veggies, tied on a bib and started spooning it toward her yelping mouth. Nope, not so impressed. Suddenly and desperately I was whipping out the boob again, in the process getting mixed veggies all over my mammary, but alas my baby was happy suckling away. Tyler ran off to run around the water station which has two ramps on either side vs two steps and he LOVES ramps. I caught many an evil eye from both bartenders and patrons suddenly as I sat there with a babe to my boob and my other child running giddily around the establishment. He wasn't really in anyone's way but he was a CHILD in this seemingly ADULT atmosphere as well as there i was BREASTFEEDING. perhaps I'm over-reacting, I felt very vulnerable suddenly there, boob exposed, occasionally yelling at my toddler. Like "who is this woman here with her baby & toddler? aren't we all just trying to be adults and have some beer?" But then I reminded myself it IS a "family" establishment and I had every right to be there and had certainly purchased my spot since going for a second round of Alagash...which didn't taste as good as the first :( Of course, the real reason I was there, the beer & chocolate tasting. Would I make it? It was 645 and Teagan was starting to moan on the tit, a not infrequent sign that she just isn't happy regardless. I powered through, kept her on the tap until five to seven and as I saw a line beginning to form at the bar I popped her off, pulled my shirt down, grabbed my wallet and marched up to the bar.
Before I knew it (which was actually way too long since there were limited bar tenders and they had to pour these 4 specific "tastes" and set them up along with a little packaged square of chocolate and all the while Tyler is running around and the crowd in the place was growing and I could feel people thinking "what's with this kid running around?" as I stood there with this baby in my arms waiting to carry a board of beer & chocolate back to my table...where I sat alone, with my two kids) I was enjoying something totally new for me, beer & chocolate, together that is. I've tasted wine and chocolate, esp. port & chocolate, but BEER and chocolate??? This was a special SF chocolatier, TCHO, and while all the beers I didn't like on their own, I actually found them very appealing paired with the specific chocolates. There was: with a wheat beer a Serious Milk "Classic" Milk Chocolate, Rodenbach Grand Cru with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Nutty" flavor notes, Blind Pig IPA with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Chocolately" flavor notes and finally Trois Pistoles with Pure Dark Chocolate with "Fruity" flavor notes. Of course I had a little tasting partner...Tyler was very eager and excited about eating the chocolate with me.
Sudden interruption as my mouth hangs agape way longer than necessary...I'm sitting in our guest room situated at the front of our house at the desk that sits in the front bay window. It's nighttime but I still leave the blinds open...I like to look out, I hate feeling closed in even tho someone else might think of it as having privacy. WELL I just saw some motion in the street outside and looked out to see two GIANT raccoons galloping (that's how it appeared) across the street. Mind you this is a divided two lane each side thruway. Raccoons aren't so new as we've had them come in the back door and visit on occasion, drawn in by the smell of cat food no doubt, but to see them out there in the road? They ran to my side of the street but I didn't see where they went and I really wonder because a moment later a woman walked by clearly not having seen them. So where did they scurry into?! Oy vey! Crazy trashy critters.
Anyway, that's the story. Tyler and I gobbled the chocolate, and I gobbled the beer, all a lot faster than preferable, and soon we were outta there. It was a cold, windy walk home and I had to pee like a muther but I was feeling good. Much to my surprise and delight, despite the jumping around and squealing that Tyler did while I changed and dressed Teagan for bed, I managed to get that little chocolate fiend to bed not long after we got home and I haven't heard a peep from him since.
I finished another beer as I wrote this, didn't need it but wanted it, at least it was a Heine and so practically like drinking water. Guess I'll go to that next and perhaps try watching my netflix "The New World" which looks like it could be a love story in between battle scenes. It's Valentine's Day...I should just go to bed but it feels like a special day, a holiday, something deserving of lack of sleep for not much payoff :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Things that go BUMP in the night
It started last night just as I was falling
asleep, of course. At the sound of the “thump” I woke from my setting
sleep, threw the covers off me and bolted out of bed across to the kid’s room…
I had spent a good amount of time and love
earlier in the day to set up the beds in Tyler’s
room so both kids could sleep in there and we’d finally have Teagan out of the
bassinet in our room. All of this has caused me much mixed
emotions. Graduating Tyler to his “big boy bed” because it was time (1st
sniffle – my baby is growing up!) and because his old crib would soon be
Teagan’s new bed, wanting to get Teagan out of our room into the other room
because she was outgrowing the bassinet (2nd sniffle – my little
baby is growing up!) and to hopefully start getting better sleep if I’m not
hearing every gurgle, fart, sigh and mini fuss she makes in the night next to
my bed. However, not hearing any of that means not hearing that she’s
still alive and I remember how hard that was when we kicked Tyler out of our room. As I crawled
into bed knowing she was just 20 feet away, bed to crib, across the hall, I
still felt as if a piece of me was missing. Do I feel this way when she
naps during the day? Sometimes. I wonder if it’s because as a woman
I carried this child in my own body for 9+ months, going through a range of
changes in body and mind starting with morning sickness to being kicked in the
ribs from the inside to screaming in pain as this new human enters the world
through my small life porthole. When my children aren’t with me, whether
they are in the next room or at home as I run errands solo or wherever, I feel
like something isn’t right. In general of course when I’m at home it’s
not a feeling that overwhelms me and causes me to abandon house cleaning or web
surfing or showering just so I can stay in the same room where they are playing
or napping. As well as it not usually affecting me when I’m out and
about, other than saying to myself out loud “wow, this is what it was like to
run errands before kids! This is SO easy!” But as I’m driving down
the road to Trader Joe’s I will look a few times in the rear view mirror at
Tyler’s empty car seat, at the empty space where Teagan’s car seat goes, and
I’ll wonder for a moment if it all wasn’t just a dream and how sad I would be
if that were the case.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so I put all
Teagan’s new garden butterfly bedding, bumpers, bed ruffle, etc. on the crib as
I transferred some of Tyler’s bunny meadow bedding to the toddler bed and some
into storage and the room was complete. I remember when the room was a
cluttered office and then the excitement of painting the walls for our first
baby and now it was Tyler & Teagan’s room! Tyler has been a little
resistant to moving into the big boy bed, understandably, so I’ve tried to make
it as comfy and cocoon-like as possible for him and list for him all the
reasons it is way more fun and grown-up to be in it vs his old crib. This
was the very first night they would be sharing the room. I’d been
worrying about how it would work since the kids go to bed at different times
but for the first night, at least, it went smoothly. Tony was out so I
bathed both kids, one at a time, then read to them with one on each knee and Teagan
grabbing at the pages and trying to eat them and then reaching over to tug on
big brother’s ear. Then I turned out the lights and rocked them both in
that position for a few minutes, telling Tyler softly that if his sister
started crying in the night and mommy or daddy didn’t come right in that he
could come get us. Not sure why I said that, maybe so he didn’t feel like
he’d have to sit there listening to her cry, although I’d have had to gone deaf
for that to happen. I tucked Tyler in and then laid Teagan in her new
bed, suddenly irritated at myself for not raising the mattress back up to
infant level from toddler level since it was physically impossible this way for
me to lean down and give her sweet cheek a kiss and whisper I love you in her
ear :( I will have to fix that today, hopefully she won’t be
scarred for life for missing it one night.
Then there was that horrible “thump!” In a flash I imagined Tyler had fallen out of
his bed (which wouldn’t even be one foot up from a carpeted floor so not only
wouldn’t make such a noise but also wouldn’t hurt him) or Teagan falling out of
bed (which is virtually impossible since she’s surrounded by wooden jail bars)
but I flew out of bed and to their room with the speed & intensity of a
mother protecting her children. Nothing
amiss when I opened the door, just sleeping angels. Hmpf. Back to bed I went. Soon Tony came to bed and I asked him about the noise but he had no idea. Great, am I hearing things now?!
I knew it was going to be a rough night because of it being Teagan's first night out of our room but to add insult to injury I decided to start training Boris not to sleep on our bed. This was the other big reason I wanted to move Teagan out, so I wouldn't disturb her sleep as I no doubt yelled at Boris all night long. Oh boy. I lay there in bed with my eyes wide open, just waiting for that dog to come up the stairs and jump up on the bed. I had it all planned out and knew it wasn't going to be easy but for the sake of my sleep and nighttime mood I needed him off. We have a king size bed, sure, but Boris is a large dog and he likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed! If I can catch him before he settles in I can still get him to move to a different spot but once he's down and asleep it's impossible to move him. I wake up too many nights with the covers pulling off me and this dead weight laying against my leg and I get so angry. It takes a considerable amount of noise and kicking to wake him to move him and that has woken Teagan up in the past. Also when he wakes up he generally decides to get up and stretch his legs at which time he does this thing that's made us dub him Helicopter Head where he shakes his head so fast & hard that his floppy ears make this loud helicopter noise as they smack against his head. It's practically a joke how often and loud it happens.
Eventually Boris came upstairs and jumped up on the bed and I immediately said "NO" and directed him off the bed and to a sleeping pad I'd put on the floor for him. He wasn't having it so he went back downstairs. I settled in, but knowing he'd be back I wasn't totally relaxed. Soon he was back and up on the bed and again I said "NO" and "OFF" and he obliged. We played this game too many times for me to count and then he just sat at the foot of the bed and whined. And whined. And whined. Of course Tony is grumbling "why can't we just let him sleep on the bed?" Then Teagan started crying so I went in to get her and poor Tyler had his head up off the pillow as if he was just waiting for me to come get his noisy sister. I fed her and took her back into the other room. The charades with Boris continued. Then Teagan woke up crying again. This time when I went in to get her Tyler said to me "Mommy, Teagan wants to sleep in your bed with you." Poor guy. I fed her again but when I tried putting her back in her crib she immediately started crying. Tyler was right, she wanted to be in bed with me, so that's where I took her for the sake of getting a few hours rest that night. Oy vey. And after I settled into bed with her and Boris jumped up I didn't even flinch. Fortunately Tony directed Boris to sleep on his side of the bed and that worked for me.
As if all that weren't enough to ruin a person's sleep, in the late-early morning hours it would seem we had a visitor downstairs because with the same intensity as I'd jammed out of bed earlier now Boris was flying down the stairs to defend the house. We heard some scurrying, scratching sounds like animal nails on the hardwood floor and then the sound of Boris running out the back door and down the back steps where he began barking. And barking. And barking. Geezuz! Tony went down to see what all the commotion was about and ended up closing the back door so Boris wouldn't keep going out and running around the backyard barking. Either a neighbor cat or maybe even a raccoon had come in and was eating the kitty food. We've had both happen so it wasn't a surprise. Just another reason I woke up in the morning feeling like a zombie!
Lessons learned:
My kids are going to grow up, I can't stop it and actually wouldn't want to but as sad as it can be I just have to get over it.
Don't try to make more than one big change per night, or maybe per week. It's just a dumb idea.
Next dog, if there ever is one, will be properly trained from the beginning! yeah right.
New location for kitty food probably a good idea.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
black cats & broken records
Our black cat is named Mugsy but we call him many different names including Muggbutt, Mr. Mugglesworth, Mudgy and Mugglebottom. He's a big, furry, lovable cat who has Herpes in one of his eyes so it's often very runny. Some days Tony likes to ask me if I've seen Muggy's butthole and of course I say no even though sometimes it's hard not to with the way cats walk an inch from your face across whatever you are doing, tail held high. He actually stepped on my peanut-butter toast the other day!! Muggy has the biggest butthole of all our cats, not that I'm paying attention, but my husband has told me. Mugs likes to perch on this one counter corner in the kitchen right by the door so he can swipe at anyone who walks by and doesn't give him a treat. He loves his treats. He sits there and meows and meows and meows. When Tony is out of town I give Mugsy treats just once a day but he's used to getting a lot more when Tony is home. My mom claims to love cats but does nothing but say mean things to Muggy when he snags her sweater as she walks by, but then she'll go get the treat packet and shake out more little brown square treats on the counter than Tony may give him all day. Mugs comes and goes as he pleases, as do most cats, but he is a big lover and can be rather aggressive with getting love from you. His nose seems to get all puckered when I scratch under his chin and this morning he let me give him a big, long belly rub on the bed. Tony always asks me if I pet the animals to which I reply no because I think it is such an absurd question. I just don't dote on them the way he does. Me and the animals have an understanding, we live together, I feed them and scoop their poop and give them lovin but I have my own life. Am I saying Tony doesn't have a life? No, he does, he has more life than many of us half his age. But I not only married the Mayor of Candyland (hahahaha, he hated when I called him that in a prior blog but all it means is that he's so happy-go-lucky it doesn't seem possible) but I also married Dr. Doolittle. Then again, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit in this department. I mean, I allowed if not welcomed and sought out many of the animals that live with us, if not all of them. I love animals even though they make my work as cleaner of this house a lot harder. Sometimes the things you love most cause you the most stress and you actually wonder for a few minutes in the heat of an especially stressful time if it is really worth it, but of course it generally is. The fact that Boris is always sneaking himself a special human snack off the counters is incredibly aggravating and yet it's our fault for leaving it and trusting him. And of course I don't actually question whether or not having kids was a good idea, and even if I did there's nothing I would do about it because the wonderfulness way outweighs the madness. Like Teagan's guaranteed daily diaper blow-out. I spend more time treating her poop stains than I care to admit. Like Tyler wanting me to read the same damned Thomas magazine to him over and over and over or hearing him say "mommy" ten million times in a row for no reason it seems other than to hear himself say it! At the end of the day I can laugh about it and I'm trying more often to laugh about it when it happens. Tony says I allow myself to get too stressed out by the kids and all my "work." He's right. I probably don't spend enough time enjoying it because I'm all business, trying to get things done around the house like keeping it in some semblance of order, trying to make sure people are fed, diapers are changed, that my guests feel at home, blah blah blah blah blah. I had a little breakdown at the therapist's this week, although it was probably hugely blown out of proportion due to my hangover. Was the fact that I was hungover directly related to my little breakdown? Perhaps. Trying to cut loose and have fun and not staying in control. But that's the old Tiffany, the pre-children Tiffany or at least the pre-Teagan Tiffany. I've been working so hard to stay zen and it hasn't been that hard considering all the work I've done in therapy lately so I just don't get it. But that IS typical Tiffany, questioning things when they are going well and then subconsciously stirring it up a little, adding a little drama or hiccup to make it feel normal again. Not that I'm a drama queen by any means, but I'm emotional and introspective and somewhat suspicious I suppose. I'm loving being a mother and I know I'm a good one but geez, I've only got two kids not five or eight or...I think my true calling has yet to be discovered. The real reason I'm here, the real things waiting for me to get done. Then again maybe I'm digging too deep and just trying to imagine some greater cause because I'm not taking care of making me happy, just everyone else. Times like these I can see how people can be so devoted to their religions, but I'm not religious so where does that leave me? It sure feels like the needle is stuck again. I need to stop creating drama, feeling sorry for myself and not taking charge of my own needs. What are my needs though? That feels like the hardest part of all of this. Is it daily yoga or running or some sort of exercise? Is it being hyper-strictly bordering on obsessively regimented with my health and nutrition? Is it making one piece of jewelry a day? Is it painting or drawing or doing photography every day? Is it writing every day, either my blog or in my journal or starting my book? Or maybe just curling up with my hubby on the couch for a little snuggle time each night. I've turned myself into a quasi ice queen and poor Tony is suffering.
My "homework" from my therapist this week was to think about where all my guilt comes from and why I don't think I'm good enough. Oh and then she wants to see me Monday so I don't even get a whole week to do my homework ;) Guilt...I dunno. I can speculate but don't think I will here, I think I'll keep that can of worms between my therapist and me. Not good enough...well that kinda follows the guilt thing. None of it too tragic but impactful all the same. My therapist impressed on me this wasn't a crisis but rather a flare up of old behavior, then after an extra long end-of-session hug she told me I would get through this, that I was strong. Then she said something to me that keeps ringing in my ears, she said "you are one of the strongest people I know." Wow.
My "homework" from my therapist this week was to think about where all my guilt comes from and why I don't think I'm good enough. Oh and then she wants to see me Monday so I don't even get a whole week to do my homework ;) Guilt...I dunno. I can speculate but don't think I will here, I think I'll keep that can of worms between my therapist and me. Not good enough...well that kinda follows the guilt thing. None of it too tragic but impactful all the same. My therapist impressed on me this wasn't a crisis but rather a flare up of old behavior, then after an extra long end-of-session hug she told me I would get through this, that I was strong. Then she said something to me that keeps ringing in my ears, she said "you are one of the strongest people I know." Wow.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Celebration of Life
I've always found the first day back from a vacation or mini-getaway to be challenging. It's like somehow life is different...or maybe it's that life is just the same as when I left it. But maybe *I'm* not the same. Add to that a drizzly, cold Monday to the mix and things are extra hard to jump back into. Now add to that coming home from the memorial of someone who was very important to you and who you really looked up to and now it's just impossible to get anything productive done. Back before I had kids, a day like today might have meant calling in sick, shuffling around the house quiet and in a daze, napping and lots of introspection. It may have taken me days to pull out of that place. However, the thing about kids is there's no time for any of that. Introspection and shuffling is still possible, but none of the other and that's probably a good thing for a person like me. Luckily my mom is here today hanging out with her beloved grand kids which is allowing me to have a bit of a break to process and regroup after this weekend.
The drive up to Paradise had its bumps, like Tony forgetting his wallet and realizing it after we'd already crossed the Bay Bridge so we had to turn around and go home for it. Talk about furious - me that is, although maybe him too after reading that I shared his memory lapse with the world! It got pretty heated in the car, from my seat, for the drive back home but then I took some deep breaths and told Tony that despite the fact that I was truly irritated about the wallet, the greater issue was that I didn't have a hold on my emotional state in anticipation of my aunt's memorial the next day. Big surprise...in that I was acting like a total bitch all morning, but not considering my loss. I've found in relationships - not just marriage - that as often as you think the other person should know exactly how you are feeling and therefore know exactly what you need that just isn't usually the case. And we always seem to get bent at the other person, in awe that they can't read our minds and don't have our personal instruction manual memorized so they can do exactly the right thing at the right time. So I had to lay it out for Tony, that I was hurting and freaking out and needed some extra love, support and understanding. It's a hard time for everyone involved.
Before too many miles passed I was feeling better and over the wallet snafu...maybe I was just distracted by the dissatisfaction of being in the car seat my daughter was now expressing at full volume. I wedged myself between the two car seats in the back seat, hoped for no sudden stops that would send me jettisoning out the car through the front windshield and paid some extra attention to Teagan trying to soothe her. We eventually pulled into the parking lot of the Sierra Nevada Brewery in Chico where we'd bought tickets for an Oktoberfest but then realized it was a strict 21+ event so had some half-baked plan to enjoy it in shifts while the other parent hung out with the kiddlings in the taproom restaurant. Yeah, exactly, didn't sound too fun. Lucky for us a couple friends were actually at the bar debating whether to buy tickets to the event so after telling them our sob story they bought them off us. So we enjoyed a family dinner & brews in the taproom restaurant, lamenting over the missed Oktoberfest but chocking it up to one of those parental sacrifices, and being ok with it. We checked into our hotel in Paradise around 9 and after a very frustrating face washing session (there was a friggin' kitchen sink faucet where the bathroom faucet should be, allowing only an inch of clearance from the flow of water to the edge of the sink!!) Tony & I each settled into our respective double beds with our respective child to sleep with.
Morning didn't come soon enough as I woke repeatedly from dreams I can't now recall and a living nightmare of Tyler rolling off his spot in bed with Tony and waking us all up crying. Poor guy. Thankfully he was ok, not like when he pulled the same stunt in a Hawaii hotel room last year and chipped his front tooth slightly! Makes me feel like we need to travel with bed railings! Anxious for a nice hot shower to wash away the bad night and prepare me for the emotional roller coaster the day would surely bring, my hopes were quickly dashed when I turned on the hot water and an abstract flow of fizz came out! The kind that is so thin, meaning there's so little water coming out I'd have never been able to wash my hair because it would take an hour just to get it all wet, then another to rinse the shampoo and another to rinse the conditioner. Then again, the water that was coming out had such force it practically stung. So bizarre. I didn't even turn on the cold water, I like my showers really hot and the water was definitely hot but there was so little of it. Maybe if I'd turned on the cold there would be more flow, but I settled for heat over quantity since I didn't have to wash my hair- thank god! I just stood there after washing my face & bod, arms folded in an X over my chest, hands in fists up under my chin, shoulders shrugged high, eyes closed, breathing deep and slow to relax my mind despite my tense body. I didn't want to get out even though it was truly the second worst shower I've ever had. I allowed myself a moment to recall THE worst shower ever...in a very cheap hotel in Rome which was the first stop with my best friend Dan on our little Euro trip of 1997. After stepping off the train from the airport, having no plans about where we were staying, we allowed a "Tourist Advisor" (who clearly worked for or was getting kick backs from the hotel we ended up at) to lead us to a place in our budget. Our budget was a joke as we had gotten the dirtiest dirt cheap airfare and could only make the trip happen on a shoestring given our ripe young ages of 22. The bathroom was down the hall and had to be shared with the other few rooms on the floor, although I don't recall seeing many other guests. The shower was like 2ft square, no kidding, with some rinky-dink plastic sliding doors that didn't actually slide since they were broken. There was some 1ft square hot water heated bolted to the wall above the shower and a pipe running down to the joke shower head that would hiss as it sprayed out water that felt like it was boiled on the sun...or maybe that was the hiss of my skin sizzling as the droplets of scalding hot water hit it. There was only boiling hot water or ice cold water, nothing in between, and regardless of the temp it only came out in that thin horrid spray. Cold water can burn too, esp. when the bathroom temp is below freezing also since it was January. I remember crying in the shower, trying to find peace with the water. There was no shelf to put your toiletries so you had to bend over to get them off the floor which you had to stand on in an awkward foot position as to avoid the nasty long hairs and curly hairs that were there when you stepped in but didn't have enough water pressure to wash away. Then of course you bumped your bum into the plastic door when you bent over which was cold and you swore would give you some sort of cootie from touching it. I remember hurrying back to our room wrapped in my towel, freezing and crying and warning Dan of the adventure awaiting him! Thankfully we only stayed there a few nights, although I wonder why we even stayed that long!
After getting coffee and a bagel with cream cheese to go at the little shop across from our hotel we headed up Skyway to the memorial location. As the narrow, windy road led us through the tall pines, I drank in the scenery that was like an old friend and imagined Nancy driving this road and loving the beauty and nature she lived in. There were memories for me every mile of the way, parks where my friends & I would hang out during lunch in high school, corner stores that were known to sell cigarettes to minors (I never smoked but some of my friends did), the 24hr cafe we would all hang out in after partying Friday or Saturday nights, the walking path I ran on to lose all my high school fat, etc. Of course those were just the high school memories and there were so many more since I'd been coming to Paradise since I was born to visit with my Uncle Chris & Aunt Nancy and their kids Matt & Julie. We turned down the rocky dirt road to Meadowbrook Ranch once we were north of town a ways, parked in the gravel lot and before we left the car I double checked that I had a new pack of tissues in the front pocket of the ergo carrier that I'd just loaded Teagan into. As we walked along the gravel path shaded by pines and surrounded by bushes of all sorts I could hear the faint sound of music and people's voices ahead, perhaps an Irish tune, very light and tinkly, the vibe emanating from both music and guests was of cheer. I walked slowly, enjoying the crunchy sound the gravel made under my feet, not in any rush to get to my destination, Tony & Tyler trailing behind me as Tyler drank in the nature so alien to him growing up in a concrete jungle. Suddenly at the end of the path ahead, not 40ft away, my cousin Matt appeared talking to someone who must have been an event worker. I wasn't sure if he saw me, I didn't wave, in fact I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face Tony &Tyler, sobbing and shaking suddenly. Tony either didn't know what to do for me or just didn't notice the frozen, scared, hurting state I was in. So without Tony rushing to hold and comfort me I got a grip quickly, turned back around and continued walking to the end of the path where tables were set up with food & flowers and people were mingling, hugging and catching up. A little girl I didn't recognize greeted us and pointed to a table for coffee and hot cocoa and another where we could sign a guestbook. Bypassing the hot liquids station we got in a short line of people waiting to sign the guestbook. There were also programs laid out on the same table, right at my fingertips now, announcing "Celebration of Life. Nancy Lynn Prestopino. December 13, 1943 - September 3, 2011." I picked one up and only half saw through the tears welling up and blurring my vision that old familiar infectious smile on Nancy's glowing face as she stood with the sun shining down on her scarf covered head, surrounded by gorgeous purple wisteria, her love of life absolutely beaming off the page. I heard a voice, my own, murmering "I can't do this" and shaking my head I walked into the field of wet, green grass where rows of chairs were set up, removed a tissue from my pocket and wiped away the tears streaking my face. I don't know if Tony signed the guest book, I never did, I had no idea what to say, there were no words, my signature was the absence of it. I'm sure Matt & Julie would understand.
I straightened myself up again just in time for another break of the dam, this time for Nancy's cousin Cathy, another non-blood relative of mine that shares a place in my heart and memories. We hugged a long time and then she put the long stem of a big, yellow-purple Dahlia in a utility loop of the ergo carrier on my left shoulder, her gestures and words of pleasure having perfectly adorned me with the flower reminding me so much of Nancy that the tears started all over again. Dahlias must have been my aunt's favorite flower, unless they were just what was in bloom and in abundance at the flower market that morning, for they were the event flower appearing everywhere and in every size and color. Even the port-a-potty was decorated with them - the little project Cathy was finishing up when I found her. Only at Nancy's memorial. Once the hundred or so of us were seated, the warm sun on our faces and the dew drying on the oak leaves, we heard the hauntingly beautiful sound of bagpipes as the solo bagpiper, dressed complete in a kilt, emerged moments after the sound of his pipes had begun in the distance, Amazing Grace bringing us all instantly to tears.
The next few hours flew by in a haze of tears, laughter, warmth, sorrow and resolve. Listening to Nancy's children tell the story of her life, some of which I knew and some I didn't, was like recalling a great movie. What a life! What a human being! Listening to guests recall stories of Nancy's antics, sense of humor, love of life and nature, grace and spirit were nothing short of 'wonderful' - a word Nancy used all the time. I can't even begin to recount all that I heard, learned and remembered from those few hours of the celebration of life. I cried a lot. Thankfully Teagan stayed asleep in the ergo carrier even though I stayed sitting down. Tony, dressed so handsomely in his suit, took care of watching out for Tyler who was running all over the field with the other kids his age - later we found out they all discovered the table full of chocolate and candy before any adult could stop them!! I did stand up at one point, to take a few moments at the podium myself. It wasn't planned at all but I was inspired and so shared a few of my own Nancy anecdotes. One of which was during an afternoon of play in front of the house in Paradise with us kids enjoying the big dirt pile which was there due to some construction. I may have been around 5, I'm guessing. I took my turn sliding down the dirt hill, only with a twist...face first...with my mouth open. I stood up at the bottom with a mouth full of dirt and a bit stunned. Nancy took one look at me and said "Wait! Don't move - I've gotta get my camera!" and so I waited, mouth full of dirt, for my Aunt Nancy to get her camera. She didn't take long and it's almost worth thanking her when you see the picture.
When the service concluded we all hung out a while amongst the trees and old friends. We ate and drank... some of us didn't eat but drank a lot ;) There was a line of photo boards hung for everyone's viewing delight, sneaking peaks into Nancy's life over the years. I spied myself, as well as my sister, mother and father, in several of them and smiled, pausing to take myself back to the moment of the snapshot, if I was able. I was entranced by many of the pictures of Nancy as a young woman, pictures I'd never seen before but now wanted to blow up, frame and hang in my home as a constant reminder of how one should live their life.
We ended up staying that night at Nancy's with Cathy and her husband, my cousin Matt and his wife and son. The house, as it was when Nancy lived there, has already begun being emptied and dismantled, a sucky task children are handed when a parent dies. I'm not sure what is to come of the house but hopefully it will remain in the family. I wish at times Tony & I could buy it and live there, raise our children in Paradise in the home most closely defining my own childhood home as any other...since there are no others. Alas, Tony and I are hard pressed enough to leave San Francisco for Marin, let alone all the way up to sleepy Paradise. It is wonderful to visit but my life just isn't there anymore. That evening there was a private reception at the house and I drank more, as did everyone. It was tough being there, I kept thinking I saw Nancy in the crowd, out of the corner of my eye, out the opposite door of the room I just entered. In a way she was and always will be. Sitting here now it's as if she's still up there at her house in Paradise...or perhaps just off on one of her many worldly adventures, hiking the Swiss Alps, kayaking some lake of the world, bicycling through France or Ireland, camping in Mt. Lassen, checking out wildlife in Alaska... I think that's just how I will imagine her now, not gone, but everywhere.
The drive up to Paradise had its bumps, like Tony forgetting his wallet and realizing it after we'd already crossed the Bay Bridge so we had to turn around and go home for it. Talk about furious - me that is, although maybe him too after reading that I shared his memory lapse with the world! It got pretty heated in the car, from my seat, for the drive back home but then I took some deep breaths and told Tony that despite the fact that I was truly irritated about the wallet, the greater issue was that I didn't have a hold on my emotional state in anticipation of my aunt's memorial the next day. Big surprise...in that I was acting like a total bitch all morning, but not considering my loss. I've found in relationships - not just marriage - that as often as you think the other person should know exactly how you are feeling and therefore know exactly what you need that just isn't usually the case. And we always seem to get bent at the other person, in awe that they can't read our minds and don't have our personal instruction manual memorized so they can do exactly the right thing at the right time. So I had to lay it out for Tony, that I was hurting and freaking out and needed some extra love, support and understanding. It's a hard time for everyone involved.
Before too many miles passed I was feeling better and over the wallet snafu...maybe I was just distracted by the dissatisfaction of being in the car seat my daughter was now expressing at full volume. I wedged myself between the two car seats in the back seat, hoped for no sudden stops that would send me jettisoning out the car through the front windshield and paid some extra attention to Teagan trying to soothe her. We eventually pulled into the parking lot of the Sierra Nevada Brewery in Chico where we'd bought tickets for an Oktoberfest but then realized it was a strict 21+ event so had some half-baked plan to enjoy it in shifts while the other parent hung out with the kiddlings in the taproom restaurant. Yeah, exactly, didn't sound too fun. Lucky for us a couple friends were actually at the bar debating whether to buy tickets to the event so after telling them our sob story they bought them off us. So we enjoyed a family dinner & brews in the taproom restaurant, lamenting over the missed Oktoberfest but chocking it up to one of those parental sacrifices, and being ok with it. We checked into our hotel in Paradise around 9 and after a very frustrating face washing session (there was a friggin' kitchen sink faucet where the bathroom faucet should be, allowing only an inch of clearance from the flow of water to the edge of the sink!!) Tony & I each settled into our respective double beds with our respective child to sleep with.
Morning didn't come soon enough as I woke repeatedly from dreams I can't now recall and a living nightmare of Tyler rolling off his spot in bed with Tony and waking us all up crying. Poor guy. Thankfully he was ok, not like when he pulled the same stunt in a Hawaii hotel room last year and chipped his front tooth slightly! Makes me feel like we need to travel with bed railings! Anxious for a nice hot shower to wash away the bad night and prepare me for the emotional roller coaster the day would surely bring, my hopes were quickly dashed when I turned on the hot water and an abstract flow of fizz came out! The kind that is so thin, meaning there's so little water coming out I'd have never been able to wash my hair because it would take an hour just to get it all wet, then another to rinse the shampoo and another to rinse the conditioner. Then again, the water that was coming out had such force it practically stung. So bizarre. I didn't even turn on the cold water, I like my showers really hot and the water was definitely hot but there was so little of it. Maybe if I'd turned on the cold there would be more flow, but I settled for heat over quantity since I didn't have to wash my hair- thank god! I just stood there after washing my face & bod, arms folded in an X over my chest, hands in fists up under my chin, shoulders shrugged high, eyes closed, breathing deep and slow to relax my mind despite my tense body. I didn't want to get out even though it was truly the second worst shower I've ever had. I allowed myself a moment to recall THE worst shower ever...in a very cheap hotel in Rome which was the first stop with my best friend Dan on our little Euro trip of 1997. After stepping off the train from the airport, having no plans about where we were staying, we allowed a "Tourist Advisor" (who clearly worked for or was getting kick backs from the hotel we ended up at) to lead us to a place in our budget. Our budget was a joke as we had gotten the dirtiest dirt cheap airfare and could only make the trip happen on a shoestring given our ripe young ages of 22. The bathroom was down the hall and had to be shared with the other few rooms on the floor, although I don't recall seeing many other guests. The shower was like 2ft square, no kidding, with some rinky-dink plastic sliding doors that didn't actually slide since they were broken. There was some 1ft square hot water heated bolted to the wall above the shower and a pipe running down to the joke shower head that would hiss as it sprayed out water that felt like it was boiled on the sun...or maybe that was the hiss of my skin sizzling as the droplets of scalding hot water hit it. There was only boiling hot water or ice cold water, nothing in between, and regardless of the temp it only came out in that thin horrid spray. Cold water can burn too, esp. when the bathroom temp is below freezing also since it was January. I remember crying in the shower, trying to find peace with the water. There was no shelf to put your toiletries so you had to bend over to get them off the floor which you had to stand on in an awkward foot position as to avoid the nasty long hairs and curly hairs that were there when you stepped in but didn't have enough water pressure to wash away. Then of course you bumped your bum into the plastic door when you bent over which was cold and you swore would give you some sort of cootie from touching it. I remember hurrying back to our room wrapped in my towel, freezing and crying and warning Dan of the adventure awaiting him! Thankfully we only stayed there a few nights, although I wonder why we even stayed that long!
After getting coffee and a bagel with cream cheese to go at the little shop across from our hotel we headed up Skyway to the memorial location. As the narrow, windy road led us through the tall pines, I drank in the scenery that was like an old friend and imagined Nancy driving this road and loving the beauty and nature she lived in. There were memories for me every mile of the way, parks where my friends & I would hang out during lunch in high school, corner stores that were known to sell cigarettes to minors (I never smoked but some of my friends did), the 24hr cafe we would all hang out in after partying Friday or Saturday nights, the walking path I ran on to lose all my high school fat, etc. Of course those were just the high school memories and there were so many more since I'd been coming to Paradise since I was born to visit with my Uncle Chris & Aunt Nancy and their kids Matt & Julie. We turned down the rocky dirt road to Meadowbrook Ranch once we were north of town a ways, parked in the gravel lot and before we left the car I double checked that I had a new pack of tissues in the front pocket of the ergo carrier that I'd just loaded Teagan into. As we walked along the gravel path shaded by pines and surrounded by bushes of all sorts I could hear the faint sound of music and people's voices ahead, perhaps an Irish tune, very light and tinkly, the vibe emanating from both music and guests was of cheer. I walked slowly, enjoying the crunchy sound the gravel made under my feet, not in any rush to get to my destination, Tony & Tyler trailing behind me as Tyler drank in the nature so alien to him growing up in a concrete jungle. Suddenly at the end of the path ahead, not 40ft away, my cousin Matt appeared talking to someone who must have been an event worker. I wasn't sure if he saw me, I didn't wave, in fact I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face Tony &Tyler, sobbing and shaking suddenly. Tony either didn't know what to do for me or just didn't notice the frozen, scared, hurting state I was in. So without Tony rushing to hold and comfort me I got a grip quickly, turned back around and continued walking to the end of the path where tables were set up with food & flowers and people were mingling, hugging and catching up. A little girl I didn't recognize greeted us and pointed to a table for coffee and hot cocoa and another where we could sign a guestbook. Bypassing the hot liquids station we got in a short line of people waiting to sign the guestbook. There were also programs laid out on the same table, right at my fingertips now, announcing "Celebration of Life. Nancy Lynn Prestopino. December 13, 1943 - September 3, 2011." I picked one up and only half saw through the tears welling up and blurring my vision that old familiar infectious smile on Nancy's glowing face as she stood with the sun shining down on her scarf covered head, surrounded by gorgeous purple wisteria, her love of life absolutely beaming off the page. I heard a voice, my own, murmering "I can't do this" and shaking my head I walked into the field of wet, green grass where rows of chairs were set up, removed a tissue from my pocket and wiped away the tears streaking my face. I don't know if Tony signed the guest book, I never did, I had no idea what to say, there were no words, my signature was the absence of it. I'm sure Matt & Julie would understand.
I straightened myself up again just in time for another break of the dam, this time for Nancy's cousin Cathy, another non-blood relative of mine that shares a place in my heart and memories. We hugged a long time and then she put the long stem of a big, yellow-purple Dahlia in a utility loop of the ergo carrier on my left shoulder, her gestures and words of pleasure having perfectly adorned me with the flower reminding me so much of Nancy that the tears started all over again. Dahlias must have been my aunt's favorite flower, unless they were just what was in bloom and in abundance at the flower market that morning, for they were the event flower appearing everywhere and in every size and color. Even the port-a-potty was decorated with them - the little project Cathy was finishing up when I found her. Only at Nancy's memorial. Once the hundred or so of us were seated, the warm sun on our faces and the dew drying on the oak leaves, we heard the hauntingly beautiful sound of bagpipes as the solo bagpiper, dressed complete in a kilt, emerged moments after the sound of his pipes had begun in the distance, Amazing Grace bringing us all instantly to tears.
The next few hours flew by in a haze of tears, laughter, warmth, sorrow and resolve. Listening to Nancy's children tell the story of her life, some of which I knew and some I didn't, was like recalling a great movie. What a life! What a human being! Listening to guests recall stories of Nancy's antics, sense of humor, love of life and nature, grace and spirit were nothing short of 'wonderful' - a word Nancy used all the time. I can't even begin to recount all that I heard, learned and remembered from those few hours of the celebration of life. I cried a lot. Thankfully Teagan stayed asleep in the ergo carrier even though I stayed sitting down. Tony, dressed so handsomely in his suit, took care of watching out for Tyler who was running all over the field with the other kids his age - later we found out they all discovered the table full of chocolate and candy before any adult could stop them!! I did stand up at one point, to take a few moments at the podium myself. It wasn't planned at all but I was inspired and so shared a few of my own Nancy anecdotes. One of which was during an afternoon of play in front of the house in Paradise with us kids enjoying the big dirt pile which was there due to some construction. I may have been around 5, I'm guessing. I took my turn sliding down the dirt hill, only with a twist...face first...with my mouth open. I stood up at the bottom with a mouth full of dirt and a bit stunned. Nancy took one look at me and said "Wait! Don't move - I've gotta get my camera!" and so I waited, mouth full of dirt, for my Aunt Nancy to get her camera. She didn't take long and it's almost worth thanking her when you see the picture.
When the service concluded we all hung out a while amongst the trees and old friends. We ate and drank... some of us didn't eat but drank a lot ;) There was a line of photo boards hung for everyone's viewing delight, sneaking peaks into Nancy's life over the years. I spied myself, as well as my sister, mother and father, in several of them and smiled, pausing to take myself back to the moment of the snapshot, if I was able. I was entranced by many of the pictures of Nancy as a young woman, pictures I'd never seen before but now wanted to blow up, frame and hang in my home as a constant reminder of how one should live their life.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
relampago
relámpago [ray-lahm’-pah-go]
noun
1. Flash of lightning, meteor. (m)
2. Anything passing as suddenly as a flash of lightning. (m)
3. Thought or idea flashing upon the mind; ingenious witticism. (m)
4. Blemish in the eyes of horses. (m)
i don't have a serious, related topic for the above spanish word translated to english meaning, but it was on the matchbook that i used to light the fall colored/scented candles in the house this evening and i thought it would be fun to use in my blog. the image on the matchbook is of a german sheppard. other than the fact that we were in Mexico two weeks ago (blog STILL in process...or maybe stalled forever!) i have no idea how this piece made it to my desk. i know i didn't pick it up, maybe tony did. i used to collect matches, i suppose i could add it to my collection...although first i'd have to find my collection. geez, i know i've got a bunch of stuff down at my dad's in his little side storage area at his house. in fact, i need to go down there soon and retrieve the boxes of my journals. if they burn or are otherwise destroyed by water damage or animal...damage...i'd rather it be on my time and my property. i'm sure my dad would be plenty happy to have his eldest daughter empty out all the crap she's got stored at his place!! and my husband not so happy to adopt all the crap i can't see fit to get rid of! hahaha! but then, he shouldn't be too worried considering my mental state these days which is that of "out with the old, in with the new" and there's not really any 'new' so much is there is 'old'.
i was talking last blog about Halloween and not being really into it, then an interesting and very unexpected thing happened. it rained. anyone who knows me knows i LOVE the rain, love the overcast day, love the clouds and the cool but esp love the rain. well, we had our first good rain of the season the last few days, starting during my last blog which is when i was battling a downward spiral and then again last night. i was up watching "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock from Netflix (my piece of shit dvd player crapped out on me in the last 30 minutes of the movie so i have no idea how it ended!!!) after putting the kiddlings to bed and texting tony who was in LA at the Jane's Addiction concert. that's when i heard it, the raindrops on the awning of our back porch, the sound of wet street as tires drove passed our house. these used to be sounds that calmed me, put a smile on my face, eased tension, etc. suddenly it was as if there was a serial killer outside my house, peaking in the windows, tapping on the door. yes, i was just about that scared, but of course in a different way. i didn't fear for my life at the moment, i just feared for my life in the sense of my mental state. i was being flooded with images of years passed, memories of rainy nights in paradise, rainy days in san francisco when i lived on bush street downtown. they all had one thing in common, they were times when i wasn't doing so well. the funny thing is that the rain used to bring me solace. i was wrapped warm in a blanket from the sound of the rain on the roof, my troubles washed clear, or at least salved, by the smell of the rain on the ground & in the trees. but suddenly now it was the opposite. i wanted to run and hide from it, pull the covers over my head in bed to drown out the noise. i tried to get a grip, acknowledged it was *only rain* and not all the negative memories flooding back on me. funny how that is, that what used to represent such comfort would now represent fear. it wasn't too hard to decipher what was going on. i've always loved rain but in times of turmoil it stood for an extra distraction. now i realize it was just that, a distraction from whatever issues i was going through, and there was always something. not that i'm a black cloud person - the people i give that name i feel are always ridden with bad luck and drama, and sadly they usually bring it upon themselves. no this is just my chemical imbalance combined with lack of ideal life choices or just life's bumpy road realities. so the rain was something to rejoice in, it gave my cloudy day a feathery, sparkly head piece. i'm not a big sun person because my skin is so fair and i can't tolerate the heat so i like clouds, cool and rain. plus the sun is just too friggin...sunny and happy!
so it was the rain and it is also October and the season and holiday. it's just like the R.E.M. song says "another prop, to occupy my time, this one goes out to the one i love." it was all just props, the rain, fall, the leaves, the cold, Halloween, the holidays upon us, etc. etc. etc. all just distracting the disappointments i had in life. but now suddenly that i've slayed all my demons and life is good the very things that used to make me feel better were suddenly doing the opposite. i have an absolute fear of opening up the Halloween boxes in the garage. this time last year my house was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff, fall colors & leaves, etc. now i just want it to stay the way it is. ok, i take that back, i actually bought a few pumpkins at safeway yesterday and i bought a little trio of Halloween metal tea light deco holders (a pumpkin, a frankenstein & a RIP headstone) from target for $2 that i put out. and i'm happy with just that. i'm sure tony is more than happy with JUST that, he's gotta be elated considering all the Halloween stuff i have. seems i used to use all that stuff to cover up what was wrong, try to surround myself with all this stuff i "loved" to distract me but now there's nothing to distract. so the distraction has become the enemy. what a crazy world! the sound that normally soothed me suddenly drove me into bed pulling the covers over my ears. so "perfect" that i was solo i the house & feeling so solitary. we're all born into this world alone and we die alone and in between we like to think we share our lives, and to some extend we do, but really we are always alone.
i put in a call to my therapist for an emergency appointment today as i rcvd text updates from tony at LAX about flights he was able to jump on but then delayed due to rain - so ironic!! after skyping with my sister and sharing with her my crisis and then hearing her take on it, which was what i'd thought as well, i found it less critical to see my therapist and therefore easier to get through the day. and here i am 24 hours later feeling a lot better - although the rain has stopped so it's easier to manage the stress it was causing without its presence. now wearing pink papaya enzyme mask to detoxify skin and reveal radiant glowing face after texting with bestie who is facial beautifying herself at home right now also as her 2 1/2 yr old and hubby are in dream land just as my clan are. gotta stay on top of our regime. men just don't get it, they don't have to, and they'd actually probably love us even if we didn't care either. but the truth is we do so we take the extra measures to stay looking hot, young, supple, happy and queen-like as we rule our castles. that way we know our kings, our servants, our children will all still look to us in awe of all we do, all we accomplish, and with beauty and grace. but little do they even know what we really do, what we really go through. such a facade. if only the roles could be reversed for a year, oh how the men would look at us differently. some of us are lucky, i feel i'm appreciated, respected, honored and adored for who and what i am, to this world and to my family. although there are days when it sure doesn't feel like it!! alas, still, our internal struggles reign. i don't look as good as i'd like to look (i.e. i haven't lost the baby weight) and these damned kids keep changing on me, just when i master the phase they're in and i look like the poster mom of having it under control they go and change it on me!!! fuckers! it's like, just because i have a "new baby" doesn't mean my current toddler isn't "new" also!! everyday is something new! this is the hardest job i've ever had...and it's also the most rewarding job. but boy oh boy, no amount of on-the-job-training or reading up or anything that prepares you!
so my mom was here for a little over 24 hours this weekend...just as she arrived we discovered tyler fast asleep in the living room standing up, laying his head on his arms on the ottoman. too funny. although not funny at all once he woke up...bawling! and that wasn't something that gramma coco was going to be able to soothe as long as i was around. so i found myself on the couch cradling tyler who kept up a gurgling sob for a lot longer than i expected as my mom read some books aloud on the other side of the couch trying to coax him out of his state. i found myself feeling irritated as i looked at the clock and imagining the nail salon not staying open past 5 o'clock and my hopes of a much needed pedicure being dashed. then i realized how silly i was being, as the comfort i was giving my son so outweighed the need for a pedicure. alas i was relieved, sad to say, when tyler was happy to transfer over to coco's lap for the book and i could jam out for my bit of beautifying relaxation. there was no one in the salon when i arrived and i was afraid they were about to close and i'd be their last customer so i hoped they wouldn't rush through my service. but as i sat in one of their brand spanking new massage chairs (!!!) as the lady worked on my feet, all the other chairs filled up! the first of which by my neighbor's girlfriend with her tight booty, who they sat just to my left. we said friendly hi's to each other and then nothing. i wondered as i sat there if i should say something and what or if she would and what and if she was thinking the same thing but neither of us ever said anything!! i gave myself mini headaches facing forward but glancing as far to the left as my eyes would go to check out her feet, noticing she doesn't shave them and that she has really long toes. did she check out mine? i had a dark teal polish on before and now that the polish was off my nails were looking rather deathly and gross, did she think i had some kind of fungus? was she even looking? i looked down at my momma belly-roll jiggling & shaking as the massage chair worked on my back muscles. i eyed the lady who had been there when i walked in who was letting her pedi dry, noticing her taught thin body but who was fussing far too much with her long, dark mane...finger comb to the left, to the right, tuck behind the ears, untuck, tousle, back to the left...it gave me some solace knowing she must be as self-conscious as me or just have some nervous affliction with her hair. i left with the perfect fall pedicure color, a solid brown fairly matte but with a copper undertone that let through a shine & pop that gave a "come snuggle with me by the fire" kinda look which was both sexy and smart.
the next day i took the opportunity to run some errands alone since my mom was still there as tony was still on his motorcycle trip. i can't even explain the elation i felt as i stepped out of my vehicle in the parking lot and walked toward the store with no children in tow, on my person or otherwise in my care! it was like i was a free woman and i practically did a hop-skip-heel-click-in-the-air dance as i made my way into Carter's... but of course my errands weren't about me, nothing is anymore! as i shopped for exchanges & drooled over all the adorable girl stuff a woman walked by me with a newborn in her arms, couldn't have been over 1 month old and i just stopped and stared...my eyebrows raised in that "awe" expression, my jaw hanging open. what a precious, tiny little baby! wait, what the fuck was going on? is it possible to have baby fever, baby envy, when you still have a little baby at home yourself?! all the clothes i looked at i would pick up in the newborn size and "awe" at audibly as if i didn't even have my own little baby at home. i just couldn't believe my second was now bigger than that. is it too soon to start trying for a third????!!!! somebody slap me!
my solo adventure continued into target where i repeatedly said to myself, out loud, "you've gotta get out of here!" as i loaded up my basket with affordable new fall clothes that fit into my new image of chic post-depressive-freak Tiffany. i even found a pair of Missoni for Target pumps for $39 which i swear i worshipped for their look and not just their label...but come on, Missoni?! and they went so perfectly with my new fall look!! ok now where am i going to wear them?... i'm sure i'll figure that out. i tried to maintain my composure at the check- out as my goods were rung up. i decided to have everything separated - one total for kids stuff, one total for my stuff and one total for household stuff. that way i could easily say to tony what i spent on what. first swipe of the new debit card tony gave me went smooth as was for the kids stuff, then came the household stuff which was around $20 and the little machine gave me a rejection notice :( ok, that's fine, tony is only loading it a small sum at a time and once i spend that it's gone until he refills it. so i whip out my credit card for that ring and then when the ring for MY stuff comes along i hand over some cash from birthday presents earlier this year as well as a smidge on the credit card and suddenly i'm feeling totally like a Target customer. OMG how far have i fallen?! i held my head high, grabbed my bags and walked out. fuck it, i know i haven't really fallen, but why does it feel like it? ugh. as i climbed into my BMW X3 i just had to utter, whatever, to myself.
i finally finished and mailed out Teagan's birth announcements. Geezuz, finally! i hope people receive them and feel the love with which i made them. it struck me as i was finishing them that maybe some people might think we couldn't afford to do "professional" announcements. as i was up late glueing the other night tony said "wow, maybe we really should have just ordered professional announcements" but the truth is i really enjoyed doing them and really wanted them to have a homemade look and feel. i felt so proud of my little girl as i put all the completed envelopes in the mailbox. it wasn't about me, it was about her.
it's so late and i need to go to bed. i can't even imagine how my friend with a 4 month old who eats every 2 hours around the clock is still functioning!! last night was a nightmare with tyler waking up and crying out for me every few hours and teagan not sleeping well at all herself, and of course tony wasn't home. today i've been exhausted...altho tony came home in the afternoon and i was able to take a wonderful nap and here i am now staying up late catching up on my blog. i'll probably pay for it tomorrow. such a friggin' repetitious circle. not that i would change it for the world.
noun
1. Flash of lightning, meteor. (m)
2. Anything passing as suddenly as a flash of lightning. (m)
3. Thought or idea flashing upon the mind; ingenious witticism. (m)
4. Blemish in the eyes of horses. (m)
i don't have a serious, related topic for the above spanish word translated to english meaning, but it was on the matchbook that i used to light the fall colored/scented candles in the house this evening and i thought it would be fun to use in my blog. the image on the matchbook is of a german sheppard. other than the fact that we were in Mexico two weeks ago (blog STILL in process...or maybe stalled forever!) i have no idea how this piece made it to my desk. i know i didn't pick it up, maybe tony did. i used to collect matches, i suppose i could add it to my collection...although first i'd have to find my collection. geez, i know i've got a bunch of stuff down at my dad's in his little side storage area at his house. in fact, i need to go down there soon and retrieve the boxes of my journals. if they burn or are otherwise destroyed by water damage or animal...damage...i'd rather it be on my time and my property. i'm sure my dad would be plenty happy to have his eldest daughter empty out all the crap she's got stored at his place!! and my husband not so happy to adopt all the crap i can't see fit to get rid of! hahaha! but then, he shouldn't be too worried considering my mental state these days which is that of "out with the old, in with the new" and there's not really any 'new' so much is there is 'old'.
i was talking last blog about Halloween and not being really into it, then an interesting and very unexpected thing happened. it rained. anyone who knows me knows i LOVE the rain, love the overcast day, love the clouds and the cool but esp love the rain. well, we had our first good rain of the season the last few days, starting during my last blog which is when i was battling a downward spiral and then again last night. i was up watching "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock from Netflix (my piece of shit dvd player crapped out on me in the last 30 minutes of the movie so i have no idea how it ended!!!) after putting the kiddlings to bed and texting tony who was in LA at the Jane's Addiction concert. that's when i heard it, the raindrops on the awning of our back porch, the sound of wet street as tires drove passed our house. these used to be sounds that calmed me, put a smile on my face, eased tension, etc. suddenly it was as if there was a serial killer outside my house, peaking in the windows, tapping on the door. yes, i was just about that scared, but of course in a different way. i didn't fear for my life at the moment, i just feared for my life in the sense of my mental state. i was being flooded with images of years passed, memories of rainy nights in paradise, rainy days in san francisco when i lived on bush street downtown. they all had one thing in common, they were times when i wasn't doing so well. the funny thing is that the rain used to bring me solace. i was wrapped warm in a blanket from the sound of the rain on the roof, my troubles washed clear, or at least salved, by the smell of the rain on the ground & in the trees. but suddenly now it was the opposite. i wanted to run and hide from it, pull the covers over my head in bed to drown out the noise. i tried to get a grip, acknowledged it was *only rain* and not all the negative memories flooding back on me. funny how that is, that what used to represent such comfort would now represent fear. it wasn't too hard to decipher what was going on. i've always loved rain but in times of turmoil it stood for an extra distraction. now i realize it was just that, a distraction from whatever issues i was going through, and there was always something. not that i'm a black cloud person - the people i give that name i feel are always ridden with bad luck and drama, and sadly they usually bring it upon themselves. no this is just my chemical imbalance combined with lack of ideal life choices or just life's bumpy road realities. so the rain was something to rejoice in, it gave my cloudy day a feathery, sparkly head piece. i'm not a big sun person because my skin is so fair and i can't tolerate the heat so i like clouds, cool and rain. plus the sun is just too friggin...sunny and happy!
so it was the rain and it is also October and the season and holiday. it's just like the R.E.M. song says "another prop, to occupy my time, this one goes out to the one i love." it was all just props, the rain, fall, the leaves, the cold, Halloween, the holidays upon us, etc. etc. etc. all just distracting the disappointments i had in life. but now suddenly that i've slayed all my demons and life is good the very things that used to make me feel better were suddenly doing the opposite. i have an absolute fear of opening up the Halloween boxes in the garage. this time last year my house was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff, fall colors & leaves, etc. now i just want it to stay the way it is. ok, i take that back, i actually bought a few pumpkins at safeway yesterday and i bought a little trio of Halloween metal tea light deco holders (a pumpkin, a frankenstein & a RIP headstone) from target for $2 that i put out. and i'm happy with just that. i'm sure tony is more than happy with JUST that, he's gotta be elated considering all the Halloween stuff i have. seems i used to use all that stuff to cover up what was wrong, try to surround myself with all this stuff i "loved" to distract me but now there's nothing to distract. so the distraction has become the enemy. what a crazy world! the sound that normally soothed me suddenly drove me into bed pulling the covers over my ears. so "perfect" that i was solo i the house & feeling so solitary. we're all born into this world alone and we die alone and in between we like to think we share our lives, and to some extend we do, but really we are always alone.
i put in a call to my therapist for an emergency appointment today as i rcvd text updates from tony at LAX about flights he was able to jump on but then delayed due to rain - so ironic!! after skyping with my sister and sharing with her my crisis and then hearing her take on it, which was what i'd thought as well, i found it less critical to see my therapist and therefore easier to get through the day. and here i am 24 hours later feeling a lot better - although the rain has stopped so it's easier to manage the stress it was causing without its presence. now wearing pink papaya enzyme mask to detoxify skin and reveal radiant glowing face after texting with bestie who is facial beautifying herself at home right now also as her 2 1/2 yr old and hubby are in dream land just as my clan are. gotta stay on top of our regime. men just don't get it, they don't have to, and they'd actually probably love us even if we didn't care either. but the truth is we do so we take the extra measures to stay looking hot, young, supple, happy and queen-like as we rule our castles. that way we know our kings, our servants, our children will all still look to us in awe of all we do, all we accomplish, and with beauty and grace. but little do they even know what we really do, what we really go through. such a facade. if only the roles could be reversed for a year, oh how the men would look at us differently. some of us are lucky, i feel i'm appreciated, respected, honored and adored for who and what i am, to this world and to my family. although there are days when it sure doesn't feel like it!! alas, still, our internal struggles reign. i don't look as good as i'd like to look (i.e. i haven't lost the baby weight) and these damned kids keep changing on me, just when i master the phase they're in and i look like the poster mom of having it under control they go and change it on me!!! fuckers! it's like, just because i have a "new baby" doesn't mean my current toddler isn't "new" also!! everyday is something new! this is the hardest job i've ever had...and it's also the most rewarding job. but boy oh boy, no amount of on-the-job-training or reading up or anything that prepares you!
so my mom was here for a little over 24 hours this weekend...just as she arrived we discovered tyler fast asleep in the living room standing up, laying his head on his arms on the ottoman. too funny. although not funny at all once he woke up...bawling! and that wasn't something that gramma coco was going to be able to soothe as long as i was around. so i found myself on the couch cradling tyler who kept up a gurgling sob for a lot longer than i expected as my mom read some books aloud on the other side of the couch trying to coax him out of his state. i found myself feeling irritated as i looked at the clock and imagining the nail salon not staying open past 5 o'clock and my hopes of a much needed pedicure being dashed. then i realized how silly i was being, as the comfort i was giving my son so outweighed the need for a pedicure. alas i was relieved, sad to say, when tyler was happy to transfer over to coco's lap for the book and i could jam out for my bit of beautifying relaxation. there was no one in the salon when i arrived and i was afraid they were about to close and i'd be their last customer so i hoped they wouldn't rush through my service. but as i sat in one of their brand spanking new massage chairs (!!!) as the lady worked on my feet, all the other chairs filled up! the first of which by my neighbor's girlfriend with her tight booty, who they sat just to my left. we said friendly hi's to each other and then nothing. i wondered as i sat there if i should say something and what or if she would and what and if she was thinking the same thing but neither of us ever said anything!! i gave myself mini headaches facing forward but glancing as far to the left as my eyes would go to check out her feet, noticing she doesn't shave them and that she has really long toes. did she check out mine? i had a dark teal polish on before and now that the polish was off my nails were looking rather deathly and gross, did she think i had some kind of fungus? was she even looking? i looked down at my momma belly-roll jiggling & shaking as the massage chair worked on my back muscles. i eyed the lady who had been there when i walked in who was letting her pedi dry, noticing her taught thin body but who was fussing far too much with her long, dark mane...finger comb to the left, to the right, tuck behind the ears, untuck, tousle, back to the left...it gave me some solace knowing she must be as self-conscious as me or just have some nervous affliction with her hair. i left with the perfect fall pedicure color, a solid brown fairly matte but with a copper undertone that let through a shine & pop that gave a "come snuggle with me by the fire" kinda look which was both sexy and smart.
the next day i took the opportunity to run some errands alone since my mom was still there as tony was still on his motorcycle trip. i can't even explain the elation i felt as i stepped out of my vehicle in the parking lot and walked toward the store with no children in tow, on my person or otherwise in my care! it was like i was a free woman and i practically did a hop-skip-heel-click-in-the-air dance as i made my way into Carter's... but of course my errands weren't about me, nothing is anymore! as i shopped for exchanges & drooled over all the adorable girl stuff a woman walked by me with a newborn in her arms, couldn't have been over 1 month old and i just stopped and stared...my eyebrows raised in that "awe" expression, my jaw hanging open. what a precious, tiny little baby! wait, what the fuck was going on? is it possible to have baby fever, baby envy, when you still have a little baby at home yourself?! all the clothes i looked at i would pick up in the newborn size and "awe" at audibly as if i didn't even have my own little baby at home. i just couldn't believe my second was now bigger than that. is it too soon to start trying for a third????!!!! somebody slap me!
my solo adventure continued into target where i repeatedly said to myself, out loud, "you've gotta get out of here!" as i loaded up my basket with affordable new fall clothes that fit into my new image of chic post-depressive-freak Tiffany. i even found a pair of Missoni for Target pumps for $39 which i swear i worshipped for their look and not just their label...but come on, Missoni?! and they went so perfectly with my new fall look!! ok now where am i going to wear them?... i'm sure i'll figure that out. i tried to maintain my composure at the check- out as my goods were rung up. i decided to have everything separated - one total for kids stuff, one total for my stuff and one total for household stuff. that way i could easily say to tony what i spent on what. first swipe of the new debit card tony gave me went smooth as was for the kids stuff, then came the household stuff which was around $20 and the little machine gave me a rejection notice :( ok, that's fine, tony is only loading it a small sum at a time and once i spend that it's gone until he refills it. so i whip out my credit card for that ring and then when the ring for MY stuff comes along i hand over some cash from birthday presents earlier this year as well as a smidge on the credit card and suddenly i'm feeling totally like a Target customer. OMG how far have i fallen?! i held my head high, grabbed my bags and walked out. fuck it, i know i haven't really fallen, but why does it feel like it? ugh. as i climbed into my BMW X3 i just had to utter, whatever, to myself.
i finally finished and mailed out Teagan's birth announcements. Geezuz, finally! i hope people receive them and feel the love with which i made them. it struck me as i was finishing them that maybe some people might think we couldn't afford to do "professional" announcements. as i was up late glueing the other night tony said "wow, maybe we really should have just ordered professional announcements" but the truth is i really enjoyed doing them and really wanted them to have a homemade look and feel. i felt so proud of my little girl as i put all the completed envelopes in the mailbox. it wasn't about me, it was about her.
it's so late and i need to go to bed. i can't even imagine how my friend with a 4 month old who eats every 2 hours around the clock is still functioning!! last night was a nightmare with tyler waking up and crying out for me every few hours and teagan not sleeping well at all herself, and of course tony wasn't home. today i've been exhausted...altho tony came home in the afternoon and i was able to take a wonderful nap and here i am now staying up late catching up on my blog. i'll probably pay for it tomorrow. such a friggin' repetitious circle. not that i would change it for the world.
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