relampago

relámpago [ray-lahm’-pah-go]

noun
1. Flash of lightning, meteor. (m)
2. Anything passing as suddenly as a flash of lightning. (m)
3. Thought or idea flashing upon the mind; ingenious witticism. (m)
4. Blemish in the eyes of horses. (m)

i don't have a serious, related topic for the above spanish word translated to english meaning, but it was on the matchbook that i used to light the fall colored/scented candles in the house this evening and i thought it would be fun to use in my blog.  the image on the matchbook is of a german sheppard.  other than the fact that we were in Mexico two weeks ago (blog STILL in process...or maybe stalled forever!) i have no idea how this piece made it to my desk.  i know i didn't pick it up, maybe tony did.  i used to collect matches, i suppose i could add it to my collection...although first i'd have to find my collection.  geez, i know i've got a bunch of stuff down at my dad's in his little side storage area at his house.  in fact, i need to go down there soon and retrieve the boxes of my journals.  if they burn or are otherwise destroyed by water damage or animal...damage...i'd rather it be on my time and my property.  i'm sure my dad would be plenty happy to have his eldest daughter empty out all the crap she's got stored at his place!!  and my husband not so happy to adopt all the crap i can't see fit to get rid of!  hahaha!  but then, he shouldn't be too worried considering my mental state these days which is that of "out with the old, in with the new" and there's not really any 'new' so much is there is 'old'. 

i was talking last blog about Halloween and not being really into it, then an interesting and very unexpected thing happened.  it rained.  anyone who knows me knows i LOVE the rain, love the overcast day, love the clouds and the cool but esp love the rain.  well, we had our first good rain of the season the last few days, starting during my last blog which is when i was battling a downward spiral and then again last night.  i was up watching "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock from Netflix (my piece of shit dvd player crapped out on me in the last 30 minutes of the movie so i have no idea how it ended!!!) after putting the kiddlings to bed and texting tony who was in LA at the Jane's Addiction concert.  that's when i heard it, the raindrops on the awning of our back porch, the sound of wet street as tires drove passed our house.  these used to be sounds that calmed me, put a smile on my face, eased tension, etc.  suddenly it was as if there was a serial killer outside my house, peaking in the windows, tapping on the door.  yes, i was just about that scared, but of course in a different way.  i didn't fear for my life at the moment, i just feared for my life in the sense of my mental state.  i was being flooded with images of years passed, memories of rainy nights in paradise, rainy days in san francisco when i lived on bush street downtown.  they all had one thing in common, they were times when i wasn't doing so well.  the funny thing is that the rain used to bring me solace.  i was wrapped warm in a blanket from the sound of the rain on the roof, my troubles washed clear, or at least salved, by the smell of the rain on the ground & in the trees.  but suddenly now it was the opposite.  i wanted to run and hide from it, pull the covers over my head in bed to drown out the noise.  i tried to get a grip, acknowledged it was *only rain* and not all the negative memories flooding back on me.  funny  how that is, that what used to represent such comfort would now represent fear.  it wasn't too hard to decipher what was going on.  i've always loved rain but in times of turmoil it stood for an extra distraction.  now i realize it was just that, a distraction from whatever issues i was going through, and there was always something.  not that i'm a black cloud person - the people i give that name i feel are always ridden with bad luck and drama, and sadly they usually bring it upon themselves.  no this is just my chemical imbalance combined with lack of ideal life choices or just life's bumpy road realities.  so the rain was something to rejoice in, it gave my cloudy day a feathery, sparkly head piece.  i'm not a big sun person because my skin is so fair and i can't tolerate the heat so i like clouds, cool and rain.  plus the sun is just too friggin...sunny and happy!

so it was the rain and it is also October and the season and holiday.  it's just like the R.E.M. song says "another prop, to occupy my time, this one goes out to the one i love."  it was all just props, the rain, fall, the leaves, the cold, Halloween, the holidays upon us, etc. etc. etc.  all just distracting the disappointments i had in life.  but now suddenly that i've slayed all my demons and life is good the very things that used to make me feel better were suddenly doing the opposite.  i have an absolute fear of opening up the Halloween boxes in the garage.  this time last year my house was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff, fall colors & leaves, etc.  now i just want it to stay the way it is.  ok, i take that back, i actually bought a few pumpkins at safeway yesterday and i bought a little trio of Halloween metal tea light deco holders (a pumpkin, a frankenstein & a RIP headstone) from target for $2 that i put out.  and i'm happy with just that.  i'm sure tony is more than happy with JUST that, he's gotta be elated considering all the Halloween stuff i have.  seems i used to use all that stuff to cover up what was wrong, try to surround myself with all this stuff i "loved" to distract me but now there's nothing to distract.  so the distraction has become the enemy.  what a crazy world!  the sound that normally soothed me suddenly drove me into bed pulling the covers over my ears.  so "perfect" that i was solo i the house & feeling so solitary.  we're all born into this world alone and we die alone and in between we like to think we share our lives, and to some extend we do, but really we are always alone. 

i put in a call to my therapist for an emergency appointment today as i rcvd text updates from tony at LAX about flights he was able to jump on but then delayed due to rain - so ironic!!  after skyping with my sister and sharing with her my crisis and then hearing her take on it, which was what i'd thought as well, i found it less critical to see my therapist and therefore easier to get through the day.  and here i am 24 hours later feeling a lot better - although the rain has stopped so it's easier to manage the stress it was causing without its presence.  now wearing pink papaya enzyme mask to detoxify skin and reveal radiant glowing face after texting with bestie who is facial beautifying herself at home right now also as her 2 1/2 yr old and hubby are in dream land just as my clan are.  gotta stay on top of our regime.  men just don't get it, they don't have to, and they'd actually probably love us even if we didn't care either.  but the truth is we do so we take the extra measures to stay looking hot, young, supple, happy and queen-like as we rule our castles.  that way we know our kings, our servants, our children will all still look to us in awe of all we do, all we accomplish, and with beauty and grace.  but little do they even know what we really do, what we really go through.  such a facade.  if only the roles could be reversed for a year, oh how the men would look at us differently.  some of us are lucky, i feel i'm appreciated, respected, honored and adored for who and what i am, to this world and to my family.  although there are days when it sure doesn't feel like it!!  alas, still, our internal struggles reign.  i don't look as good as i'd like to look (i.e. i haven't lost the baby weight) and these damned kids keep changing on me, just when i master the phase they're in and i look like the poster mom of having it under control they go and change it on me!!!  fuckers!  it's like, just because i have a "new baby" doesn't mean my current toddler isn't "new" also!!  everyday is something new!  this is the hardest job i've ever had...and it's also the most rewarding job.  but boy oh boy, no amount of on-the-job-training or reading up or anything that prepares you!

so my mom was here for a little over 24 hours this weekend...just as she arrived we discovered tyler fast asleep in the living room standing up, laying his head on his arms on the ottoman.  too funny.  although not funny at all once he woke up...bawling!  and that wasn't something that gramma coco was going to be able to soothe as long as i was around.  so i found myself on the couch cradling tyler who kept up a gurgling sob for a lot longer than i expected as my mom read some books aloud on the other side of the couch trying to coax him out of his state.  i found myself feeling irritated as i looked at the clock and imagining the nail salon not staying open past 5 o'clock and my hopes of a much needed pedicure being dashed.  then i realized how silly i was being, as the comfort i was giving my son so outweighed the need for a pedicure.  alas i was relieved, sad to say, when tyler was happy to transfer over to coco's lap for the book and i could jam out for my bit of beautifying relaxation.  there was no one in the salon when i arrived and i was afraid they were about to close and i'd be their last customer so i hoped they wouldn't rush through my service.  but as i sat in one of their brand spanking new massage chairs (!!!) as the lady worked on my feet, all the other chairs filled up!  the first of which by my neighbor's girlfriend with her tight booty, who they sat just to my left.  we said friendly hi's to each other and then nothing.  i wondered as i sat there if i should say something and what or if she would and what and if she was thinking the same thing but neither of us ever said anything!!  i gave myself mini headaches facing forward but glancing as far to the left as my eyes would go to check out her feet, noticing she doesn't shave them and that she has really long toes.  did she check out mine?   i had a dark teal polish on before and now that the polish was off my nails were looking rather deathly and gross, did she think i had some kind of fungus?  was she even looking?  i looked down at my momma belly-roll jiggling & shaking as the massage chair worked on my back muscles.  i eyed the lady who had been there when i walked in who was letting her pedi dry, noticing her taught thin body but who was fussing far too much with her long, dark mane...finger comb to the left, to the right, tuck behind the ears, untuck, tousle, back to the left...it gave me some solace knowing she must be as self-conscious as me or just have some nervous affliction with her hair.  i left with the perfect fall pedicure color, a solid brown fairly matte but with a copper undertone that let through a shine & pop that gave a  "come snuggle with me by the fire" kinda look which was both sexy and smart.  

the next day i took the opportunity to run some errands alone since my mom was still there as tony was still on his motorcycle trip.  i can't even explain the elation i felt as i stepped out of my vehicle in the parking lot and walked toward the store with no children in tow, on my person or otherwise in my care!  it was like i was a free woman and i practically did a hop-skip-heel-click-in-the-air dance as i made my way into Carter's... but of course my errands weren't about me, nothing is anymore!  as i shopped for exchanges & drooled over all the adorable girl stuff a woman walked by me with a newborn in her arms, couldn't have been over 1 month old and i just stopped and stared...my eyebrows raised in that "awe" expression, my jaw hanging open.  what a precious, tiny little baby!  wait, what the fuck was going on?  is it possible to have baby fever, baby envy, when you still have a little baby at home yourself?!  all the clothes i looked at i would pick up in the newborn size and "awe" at audibly as if i didn't even have my own little baby at home.  i just couldn't believe my second was now bigger than that.  is it too soon to start trying for a third????!!!!  somebody slap me! 

my solo adventure continued into target where i repeatedly said to myself, out loud, "you've gotta get out of here!" as i loaded up my basket with affordable new fall clothes that fit into my new image of chic post-depressive-freak Tiffany.  i even found a pair of Missoni for Target pumps for $39 which i swear i worshipped for their look and not just their label...but come on, Missoni?!  and they went so perfectly with my new fall look!!  ok now where am i going to wear them?...  i'm sure i'll figure that out.  i tried to maintain my composure at the check- out as my goods were rung up.  i decided to have everything separated - one total for kids stuff, one total for my stuff and one total for household stuff.  that way i could easily say to tony what i spent on what.  first swipe of the new debit card tony gave me went smooth as was for the kids stuff, then came the household stuff which was around $20 and the little machine gave me a rejection notice :(  ok, that's fine, tony is only loading it a small sum at a time and once i spend that it's gone until he refills it.  so i whip out my credit card for that ring and then when the ring for MY stuff comes along i hand over some cash from birthday presents earlier this year as well as a smidge on the credit card and suddenly i'm feeling totally like a Target customer.  OMG how far have i fallen?!  i held my head high, grabbed my bags and walked out.  fuck it, i know i haven't really fallen, but why does it feel like it?  ugh.  as i climbed into my BMW X3 i just had to utter, whatever, to myself.

i finally finished and mailed out Teagan's birth announcements.  Geezuz, finally!  i hope people receive them and feel the love with which i made them.  it struck me as i was finishing them that maybe some people might think we couldn't afford to do "professional" announcements.  as i was up late glueing the other night tony said "wow, maybe we really should have just ordered professional announcements" but the truth is i really enjoyed doing them and really wanted them to have a homemade look and feel.  i felt so proud of my little girl as i put all the completed envelopes in the mailbox.  it wasn't about me, it was about her. 

it's so late and i need to go to bed.  i can't even imagine how my friend with a 4 month old who eats every 2 hours around the clock is still functioning!!  last night was a nightmare with tyler waking up and crying out for me every few hours and teagan not sleeping well at all herself, and of course tony wasn't home.  today i've been exhausted...altho tony came home in the afternoon and i was able to take a wonderful nap and here i am now staying up late catching up on my blog.  i'll probably pay for it tomorrow.  such a friggin' repetitious circle.  not that i would change it for the world.