Spare Time

Hahahaha, what a joke!  Spare time?!  Two kids?!  I crack myself up.  Actually though there is a little here and there.  It really gets my goat to think about what other people accomplish in their days/lives when I realize we all have the same 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week etc. and what have I got to show for it?  Yes, I'm being too hard on myself, that's what I do best!  I'm working on giving myself a break, patting myself on the back when I deserve it, giving kudos to all accomplishments, big or small, like getting a load of laundry done, watering the plants, baking some banana bread or just keeping the kids alive another day!  Those were all recent daily successes of mine - what will today's bring?  Hmmmm... 

Nope, not too terribly exciting - my life these days that is.  But who has a life full of constant excitement?  Lady Gaga?  Probably not even her.  And if it was constantly exciting wouldn't that get tiresome or even boring after a while?  All my life I seem to have chased this idea that "my life" should be...exciting, fulfilling, happy, etc.  Of course all those things are good to strive for in balance but I just realize it can't always be UP.  At least not for me.  My husband is another story.  I married the mayor of Candyland :)  It never ceases to amaze me how up and happy he always is.  There's gotta be something wrong there...

But I digress.  I was chatting about my "boring" life with my best friend over brunch Sunday, as I was able to get out of the house with just Teagan and take a nice walk to Hayes Valley on such a beautiful day in the city, and when he wrinkled his nose at the label I'd given my life I decided to choose a different description: Simple.  After all, I was talking about how I've come to accept and even embrace what my life is all about these days, so giving it a negative connotation definitely wasn't jiving with the attitude I was trying to present.  Did I sell him?  Have I sold me?  I think so.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life now and it's not like it was all constant excitement before.  I adore being a mother, it feels like I found my true calling...or so I flapped my gums about before having two!!  And I'm sure I will again...after the adjustment period - how long does that last anyway?  4 weeks?  4 months?  18 years?!  Anyway I had to adjust my attitude, it's way too easy for me to slip into a state of depression and negativity, to beat myself up for things not done or done less than stellar, that's where I'm most comfortable.  But is that really working for me anymore?  Not so much.  Of course when do I even have the time to be depressed anymore?!

And here I try once again to circle back to my original thought: time, spare or otherwise. 

Making the time to write this blog is something important I'm trying to do for myself these days.  It's really just for me even though I'm putting it out there for the world to see.  I love to write but so far it's just been in my journal (I once told someone I was an avid journalist and got an incredulous, impressed look in response before I realized the error of my verbage! Hahaha!) or my ever notorious long emails to friends.  I'm hoping it will be a sort of stress releaser for me - oh yeah, and the yoga I keep meaning to get back into.  Sigh...yep, about those 24 hours?!  So far I'm learning to do many things at once, since being in two places at the same time or growing 4 more arms aren't tricks I've mastered yet.  For example, right now I've got a snoozing 3 1/2 wk old on the boppy on my lap and the toddler taking his nap upstairs.  Recently I found myself holding the breast pump to one boob while Teagan fed off the other as I deflected Tyler's repeated attempts to crawl up into my lap and join the party!  I put on mascara while bouncing a squawling newborn one morning and the other day I reheated my coffee like ten times as I was distracted time and again on little things while my hands were free - which prompted me to vow to just sit at the dining table in the morning and enjoy my HOT coffee before starting anything else.  Gotta fit some Tiffany time in there every chance I get! 

Which reminds me of a funny morning last week...I was sitting at the dining table having my coffee and flipping through the July issue of Elle magazine as Tyler finished up his breakfast and Tony sat across from my on his laptop working.  I was having a piece of toast with almond butter and when Tyler finished his breakfast he began asking me for bites of my toast.  It went a little something like this: Tyler "bite?" Me "How do you ask?" Tyler "please?" Me "May I please have a bite momma?" Tyler "bite please momma?" Me "ok."  And then repeat.  Like 10 times.  Around 5 Tony looked up and said "is that really necessary?" to which I replied "well, he's gotta learn eventually how to ask!"  So much for my Tiffany time enjoying my coffee and reading the magazine...I sighed as I gazed at the beautiful people wearing georgeous clothes gracing the pages before me - what good was any of that to me anymore?  Where do I go that I need to look that good?  I admit I drifted off for a minute and imagined my life full of georgeous clothes, amazing shoes, lots of money, a rewarding career and no kids.  Then Tyler peeps up "more?"  Back to reality...which isn't so bad.  Save the whiney Weimey under the table waiting for Tyler to drop some crumbs - I threaten him with a time-out (up to his kennel) but he's not fazed by that and continues so I stop listening to him.  Then I see an ad for the Chevy Malibu proclaiming "Fancytastic" as "Class and elegance without snobbery" - hmmm, I wonder to myself, what's wrong with snobbery?!