Ascending the stairs with my precious burrito baby held close to my chest, preceded by the Norch taking each stair with ownership, I feel a cat pass by me going down and note that it must be Mr. Rabbit as I can hear Georgia meowing up ahead, probably "leading" Boris up the darkened staircase. Georgia and Rabbit do not get along and do not share space well, not that Georgia and Boris get along at all either though. At the top of the stairs I push the door open to the right and with one hand fix the bassinet just inside the room before placing my sweet little package down in what I hope to be a warm, snug, safe place for her to rest. I call for Boris to follow me as I leave and say a silent prayer that the cats will leave my baby alone and not curl up with/on her for warmth. This whole parenting thing is just insanity. On the one hand it's not that difficult to keep these little humans alive, fed, nurtured, thriving, etc. On the other hand there is danger at every corner and it's just a fucking miracle that any, or most, of us make it through childhood!
It's Friday night and Tony has gone out with friends...who we just entertained in our entertaining kitchen for approx an hour before they kicked themselves out to what they intended to do. What do I care? Here I am just hanging out, another fun filled Friday night at home! Woo Hoo! But I say that in stupid humor, it doesn't really bother me. Thank god I partied my ASS off before having kids!! Now when it's Friday night Tony & I look at each other and go "Friday night!!!" but then are in bed by 9!! But I'm happy to be writing, it will equate to a productive night for me and really, how many of us have Productive Friday Nights after all?! :)
I guess that depends on what you call "productive."
So tonight we went to the Speakeasy brewery for "Firkin Friday" which is like a happy hour but at the brewery and kids are welcome. It's great for parents with new or little kids that just want to go out for a drink or two without getting a babysitter for the whole night. We've been going for at least a year now (not every Friday mind you) and love it - great beer at just $3 a pint and we can bring the cubs?! How can you lose?! Tonight there was this random little blond girl who couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 who was outside doing splits and then writing Kanji with her electric blue colored chalk all over the concrete. At first I didn't pay attention but then realized what she was doing and then couldn't take my eyes off her. I wondered what she was writing..."Barbie rules!" "Democracy is dead!" "I love ice cream!" A woman walked up to me and put her hand on Teagan's back through the Ergo carrier, almost as if she were putting her hand on my pregnant belly (no i'm not pregnant!), and said "This be Gram & Auntie singin' the church hymns on Sunday" and I was like ???? Then she had a little conversation with Teagan and pretended to hear Teagan telling her something to which she would not reveal to me. No, she wasn't wasted, she was happy & religious and it was sweet.
Next I was having a seat inside on a folding chair by the loading dock, bouncing as ever to keep Teagan happy, and trying to "feed her" the pacifier when this tall man stops as he's walking by, dressed in all black with a Speakeasy leather jacket, shorn hair and 3 large gauge hoop earrings in his left ear. "How old?" he asks me, to which I reply that she's going to be 3 months old next week. "Aaaawe, I have an 8 month old at home. She's so cute!" to which I thank him as I'm now bouncing her eagerly and teasing her tongue with the pacifier until she grabs hold and sucks, thereby abandoning the screaming she's suddenly so intent on doing.
"Is she hungry?" the guy asks. Mother fucker. "No, she's just fussy" I reply. "Have you tried different pacifiers?" he now presses "because the one you are using failed miserably with us!" "Well this is the one the lactation nurse recommended to me" I defend. "We went through every kind of pacifier so I say fuck what the nurse says, go with what works!" the man suggests. I try defending my position, talking briefly about Teagan's latching issue in the beginning and then just realize I don't need to convince this guy so kinda just trail off with my story and go quiet. He showed me a picture on his iPhone of his two children, which were very cute so I told him so, and soon he moved on. This part of sharing info/suggestions/photos, etc. with fellow parents always trips me out. Esp the parents trip me out. They just aren't who I thought they'd be, but then anyone can be a parent. Maybe only the "weird" ones feel comfortable coming up to me...with my crazy red hair, pierced nose & free spirit vibe emanating. Whatever.
I was way late to therapy today. I'd love to blame it on my kids or my husband but it was all on me. I was doing my make-up (as Tyler was playing "make-up" right along with me, to which I'm now just chill about instead of freaking when he grabs my brushes and starts dipping them in every different color shadow, blush, etc.) and cradling Teagan in my lap, totally on-time, but then had to feed Teagan & everything else just fell apart, including needing to get gas. So I was 20 minutes late. Our sessions always seem to start with an audible, exaggerated sigh from both my therapist & i when i sit and then her asking "how are you dear?" I decided to be totally honest this time...ok, I'm generally totally honest with my therapist anyway, just work with me here. I tell her I'm doing great but that I know our time is limited (she's an "Early Start" counselor at Kaiser which means she's available to pregnant and up to 1 year post-partum patients only) and I hesitate to say I'm doing good because I still want to be able to see her for as long as I can. But I do admit to doing great, we chat about it and then I try to throw in some doubt as to just HOW GREAT i am actually doing - because quite honestly it's a very scary place for me to be, feeling good, assuming & expecting that just around the corner my black cloud is going to envelope & suffocate me again. We make another appointment in two weeks and I can relax. Later at home I will search for her on FB and surprisingly very easily find her (her name seems so common that I'm shocked she pops up immediately) and she has no restrictions or privacy settings which is also very surprising considering her line of work. I sift through her photos, her status updates, etc. and suddenly feel like I'm totally spying on someone in a deviant way. Her profile pic is beautiful, smiling and obviously caught in a moment of total joy which isn't something I see in our sessions really. I want to friend her but then think that definitely crosses the line between patient and doctor although I feel that she's more like a friend to me than my doctor. Maybe she has checked out my FB page? I resolve to wait until our time is up...as patient and doctor at Kaiser...and then see if we can be friends on the outside. Boy this Facebook thing has really changed the world, hasn't it?
It's getting late...I should get to bed. Teagan and Tyler seem to be playing tag each night as far as who is going to wake up crying and needing attention...so much for Teagan's record number of weeks in a row she's slept through the night. Ugh! Sigh...I swear all I want right now is to sleep through the night and get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Hah - such pipe dreams and crazy ideas! There was more I wanted to write about but now I forget...and am more focused on the fact that I have make-up on needing to be washed off before I can crawl into bed.
Word of the week is "enjoy."
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