beauty

as i listen to the Buena Vista Social Club on my ipod i grow more and more excited about our little family trip to mexico.  sometimes i think i must have been a mexican socialite in my past life.  i know, i don't believe in past lives.  and i'm irish and italian, among other things, but mostly those two, so why do i identify with mexican?  i don't know.  the music just stirs something inside of me, it's like being home.  whenever i visit mexico it feels so comfortable even though i don't speak the language.  maybe i'm just having crazy dreams again, trying to make sense of little emotions that don't need to be tied to a larger meaning.  sigh.

scattered around my desk here ("my desk" is just the desk in the guest room that i tend to scatter my shit on but which tony also scatters shit on!  it faces the busy street but has a decent blocker of the big tree in front of our house so i don't feel totally like i'm in a fishbowl sitting here at night) are all the makings of Teagan's birth announcements.  is there a statute of limitations for sending out birth announcements?  i'll send one to people who have even met her already, it's just about officially welcoming our special addition.  but i've gone totally crackhead on these announcements, handwriting, cutting out, gluing, etc.  i wonder if some people won't just open them, smile, and toss it in the trash.  that's fine.  i mean, that's not my preference but it's the risk you take.  i am putting a lot of love and heart into each of these announcements but that's what i want to do, i don't even consider there's another way.  sometimes as i'm gluing or drawing i wonder if they won't be viewed as juvenile and then i say Fuck It, this is what i'm doing because it's what i want to do to announce my daughter and that's that.  but dude, it's taking me a loooooong time!!!  i have a deadline for myself to finish them by the end of September...oye!

i'm feeling totally great these days despite a mysterious pain in my right ear.  i swear my therapist deserves the nobel peace prize!  i told her in our last session that me & one of my besties sing the praises of our therapists when we get together for cat chat.  i can imagine my friend & i parading down the city streets with our therapist up on some nobel carrying chair on our shoulders, the common folk tossing confetti our way.  i was concerned that my last blog might sound like i had a crush on my therapist.  well it's just about someone who has so hugely helped change my life and who i am so grateful to and admire.  that being the case, so many musicians could be my therapists.  Madonna. R.E.M. George Michael. Smashing Pumpkins. Sisters of Mercy. Depeche Mode. Hole. Judas Priest. Scorpions. The Smiths. Tori Amos. Candyskins. Talking Heads. The Doors. Arcade Fire. Concrete Blonde. The Eagles. Metallica. J.Lo. Peter Gabriel. INXS. OMG i could go on and on...

my best friend doesn't read my blog (because years ago when he was writing his own and i wasn't reading it we made a pact that we wouldn't question each other about our blogs...apparently at my request...but the thing was i already knew everything that was going on with him so to read his blog was just to reread what i already knew but in a sanitized version.  the pact has stuck regardless.) and therefore assumes i'm bashing him in it but of course he's just joking and of course i'm not.  bashing that is.  i made him dinner tonight since i was home alone and we caught up on our lives, oh how the times have changed from when he finished grad school and moved to SF and shared my studio on Bush Street with me, sleeping on an air mattress on the floor.  Oh the stories those walls could tell!!  but that's all to be revealed in my memoir...someday.  at the moment my other bestie (the female one) is supporting me, singing my praises & encouraging me on my writing ventures... regarding my memoirs or this blog or...there's so much in my  head i want to put in print.  but it takes time availability and coinciding creative inspirations.  not always so easy to get all in line!  but someday it will be.

tony & i have been having some date nights lately, at long last, with my mom coming up for the weekend and watching our cubs as we go out for drinks & dinner.  one night we took the tandem out and that was awesome.  feeling the air in my face, pumping my legs and feeling the blood flowing through my body, checking out the interiors of apts through lighted windows as we cruised by.  i love that!  seeing what color people have painted their rooms, what's on their walls, what they are willing the world to see through that main window to their world.  of course i see it all in a few seconds only, trying to set it to memory if i like the wall color or some other design distinction.  sigh...oh design and architecture, more of my loves...to design, build and decorate my own home.  sure, add that to the list of things i want to do in my lifetime!!

it's funny how time changes things.  on our last date night tony & i went to Hobson's Choice, a bar in the Haight that has punchbowls as their specialty but is generally an all around fun, crazy bar.  It's on a corner and those two entire walls are windows so you can check out all the freaks walking by outside and believe me, there are plenty of them in the Haight!  I have several memories from this place and was revisiting them all as i sat there waiting for Tony to go home and get the wallet he forgot!  One was with my dad and a woman he was dating along with my sister and my ex boyfriend.  Another is of my sister & i when an interesting guy hit on me that i later went on 1 date with.  There was one my mom was in...that night ended ugly with me barfing off the curb outside Cha Cha Cha just down the street where I drank too much sangria after having too much punch at Hobsons'...yes, all with my mom.  Oh no, she wasn't drinking!  Hahahaha!  We were just hanging out.  God i love my mom.  Someday i'll probably be watching tyler or teagan (or both) yacking in the corner of some public place after consuming too much alcohol.  Sigh...isn't that all about growing up?  Hmmm, maybe not.  But it's my history, so there it is, and here i am.  yah, gotta figure out the right approach with my kids when teaching about drugs & alcohol...thank god i've got a few years to refine that lecture!

whew the time just flies when i'm writing and i need to get the F to bed!  kids do not care, nor do they even know, when you are less than rested and they need you.  these days i pick and choose my late nights, balancing the risk of feeling like total crap with what i might accomplish by staying up late, be that just some personal enjoyment or actual productive work! 

so off to bed i go...jeezuz i hope that's not teagan i hear crying upstairs.  please please please no, for so many reasons.  sigh.

word of the week is "beauty."