funny

funny how and when my black cloud wins the struggle and takes me over.  these days i've been triumphing over the battle more often than not but it is still never that far from me.  it acts more like a shadow now that i've slayed so  many of my demons in therapy.  today started out sunny and my shadow was well behind me but now that the afternoon has come, and the meteorologists are even predicting rain, it has turned overcast, literally & figuratively.  what on earth was the trigger?  i had some friends over for brunch and it was great to catch up and watch our little ones play.  even after they left i was ok but it went downhill fast, like a mudslide.
if we'd been drinking mimosas maybe it would be more understandable - i never feel quite right in the afternoon after drinking champagne in the morning.  but no.  tyler instantly started bugging me.  he wouldn't eat the broccoli quiche i made for brunch with the ulterior motive that i would get some of the veggie into him.  in his defense it didn't turn out that great.  maybe that's why i don't feel well, i haven't been eating much dairy in my quest to be vegan these days but i decided to partake this morning in the quiche.  hmmm.  then he pulled the dirty sheets out of the clothes hamper and started dragging them through the house.  i demanded he  put them back but he didn't and then i figured, well they're dirty anyway and he seems to be enjoying himself.  then miz teagan was doing her "i wanna breastfeed, no i don't, yes i do, no i don't" game where she acts hungry, i whip out the boob, she diddles with it then takes a few pulls then pops off and acts like she can't find it again when it's right in front of her mouth, then repeat, over and over.  man is it ever frustrating.
i finally settled her down in my arms, swaddled up like a little tamale, and there she snoozed as i perused facebook.  maybe that was what did it.  looking at pictures people had posted, feeling the angst rise inside me that i thought was gone, leaning in to scrutinize the photos sure i was seeing one of the reasons for the angst, then leaning back and wondering why i even give a shit.  closing down my laptop to put teagan down in her bassinet upstairs the angst lingers.  oh damn, i forgot to take my happy pills this morning, could that be why i'm feeling all debbie-downer?  not likely. 

maybe i'm just tired.  tony has been away since thursday night after all.  had a great night with an amazing friend over drinks into the wee hours after putting the kids down, but was so tired and yucky feeling the next day which is when this mood dip started i think.  had to haul both kids to kaiser for back to back appointments.  thank god, buddah, madonna or whoever i have such well behaved children, well tyler anyway - he wanted to bring some trains with him and was having trouble carrying the lot he picked so i got a little bag for him to carry them in...a blue Tiffany's bag!  loved the reactions i got from people for that!  he just played trains on the floor of the exam room as the dermatologist checked out all my moles.  another holla out to whoever for a good mole report, even that one i deemed scary and melanoma for sure that i just discovered on the side of my left boob.  nope, all good.  BIG relief!  then over to see my therapist where i almost had nothing to say...and that sucked.  also i actually think i'm turning my joke into a prophecy and starting to develop a crush.  but maybe it's just feeling grateful for all she's done to help me and for really liking who she is and feeling sad about not talking to her anymore.  not that therapy is over, she assured me it's a gradual stopping process.  she said i was doing great but did insist i get back into yoga, saying she saw the difference in me when i was doing it and can see it now that i'm not.  she also forbade me from going to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival that afternoon which i told her i was thinking of doing, packing up the stroller and some food, laying out a blanket and enjoying the music with the kids.  but that was the joke, it wouldn't have been enjoyable at all...maybe.  after telling her of the stressful weekend before in mexico (blog still in the process - maybe i'm just trying to forget about it and that's why i can't finish writing it!) and of the big day ahead saturday with back to back 3 year old's birthday parties she thought i was on crack for even considering going to the festival.  yeah, i'm good for that, cracked out ideas that is.  i wanted to see Chris Isaak, who i've never seen before, but ultimately i didn't go...because i was too pooped to pop after getting home.  oh well.  saturday wasn't as bad as i thought it could have been, mostly because teagan was having a good day and it wasn't too hot over in the valley.  and it was great to see all my friends and their kids and show off teagan to those who hadn't yet met her.  but it was a long day and i was very tired after putting tyler to bed.  had to skip the bath again, sorry pal mom just doesn't have the energy so you're gonna have to live with the grit under your nails and dirty behind your ears another day :(  somehow i don't think he minds too much. 

so now i wait for gramma coco to come relieve me.  she originally said she'd be here at 5 but i called her this morning to let her know she could come anytime...which basically meant Please Come As Soon As Possible I Need A Break!  she told me she'd definitely be here before 5, not a problem.  she's the most amazing gramma so i can't hardly complain but here it is 3:45 and no sign of coco.  that's probably another reason for my ailing mood.  so much on my list of things to get done but waiting for her to arrive to really start them.  my fault, not hers.  i have to finish teagan's birth announcements by the end of day tomorrow come hell or high water!  my goal was end of September and here it is two days into October.  crap, that reminds me i haven't gotten out my Halloween deco yet.  ya know, i'm not even sure i will this year which just seems completely unlike me.  alas, i'm just not feeling it.  not that i'm all bah-humbug about it, but maybe it's like how i got rid of 75% of my clothes feeling like they just weren't me anymore.  somehow i just don't feel like going buck wild decorating with plastic pumpkins, skeletons, black cats, etc. this year.  i know tony will be plenty happy about that.  actually i was thinking of getting it all out and purging a lot of it and then just decorating very simply.  have i lost my zest for life?  my spark?  i don't really feel like i have, i'm just not suddenly delirious with excitement over the holiday or time of year.  maybe it's that in years past i was always looking for that something to make my day better, brighter, funner, something to look forward to and then surround myself with and try to convince myself it made a difference.  but it was just smoke & mirrors.  it was just a distraction.  not that i'm totally over the holidays, but since i'm in a better mental and emotional state there isn't such a need or craving for them.  it will be interesting to see how it is next year, if this lasts.

oh hey, coco just arrived.  SWEEEEEEEEEET!  i'm going to go to the library and then get a pedicure!!!

peace out!

oh wow, i thought tyler was being awfully quite this whole time i was writing...i just found him asleep in the living room, standing up, resting his head on his arms on the ottoman!!!  and yes, it has been documented photographically!!