The Red Balloon

Color is everywhere, it makes up our world.  It’s a gift of nature in the rose I pass on my walk through the neighborhood to one of the many parks near our house in this concrete city.  It’s in the sweet blossom print on my daughter’s simple summer dress.  Have you ever stopped to really notice a color?  Any color?  All colors? 

Yesterday at 845 a.m. I sat in my pj’s, having just raced out of bed realizing the time, in my car, ready to move it because street cleaning was from 9-11 Fridays on our block.  The car idled as I waited for the garbage truck in front of me to move so I could as well.  It wasn’t very interesting; I’ve watched it before as I did now.  The guy (are there ever garbage women?  Why not?  It’s a respectable job, someone’s gotta do it but it’s not glamorous, then again not all jobs women do are glamorous, by far) grabs my blue recycle can and my black plain trash can, rolls them over to the truck, latches them on, pulls a lever and up go the cans, turning upside down, all my waste now joining everyone else’s waste.  It’s not poetry, I’m just watching because what else am I going to do?  He sets them down, rolls them back then grabs my neighbor’s bins.  Latch, pull, up they go…however, when the lids open this time and the trash dumps out, a solid red mylar balloon, still very much inflated, with a short white ribbon attached to it, floats out and up.  My mouth may even have dropped open, not that it was such an amazing site but it sure wasn’t something I was expecting and it had some kind of poetry in it, it almost spoke out but what was it saying?  “Let me out!  I’m not finished yet!”??  It floated up gracefully into the branches of the full tree above that adorns the front of our house.  One of only a few of the trees on the block.  It could have just floated up, up, up and away, not getting caught up in the tree.  How far up do those things go before they finally just don’t anymore?  I wonder if the garbage man even saw it.  Probably not, though it may have been something of interest to tell his wife that evening over dinner.  Or not, maybe it happens all the time?!  But who puts a still full of helium balloon in their trash?  I always pop mine, or actually I wait until all the helium is gone and it lays sadly on the floor, being kicked around, before I cut into it with the scissors and put it in the trash.  I felt sorry for this balloon for some silly reason and yet I smiled at it and felt a warmth.

The garbage truck moved on and I sat in the car, staring up at the balloon in my tree.  How long would it stay up there?  We lost a “bouquet” of mylars in our backyard once after a party and it floated up to be caught in a tree there.  We didn’t try to get it down.  It added color, although our backyard is not without color as I’ve worked hard to arrange pots of flowers since I get so much joy out of staring at them.  I’m almost embarrassed to say the bouquet stayed there for well over a year, fading and deflating.  We get some pretty gusty winds here but that never knocked it loose.  Every time I looked up at it I thought, Tiff you really need to get that thing down, it looks pretty tacky and sad.  I recently did some tree trimming and it came down.  Is that the fate of the pretty red balloon in our front yard?  Its way up, I’ll need a tall ladder, but I probably shouldn’t leave it there as long as I left the others, since it will be seen by the world and I don’t want that “statement” for my house.  For now I’m kind of enjoying looking up at it as I leave the house. 

What’s the point to this story?  Other than the fact that I think it’s kind of interesting.  It has made me notice all the red in my world.  The plastic kid shovel laying in the dirt in the backyard, the array of kid’s balls of different sizes and bounce abilities in the house and yard, the potted flowers on my front porch, the bristles of the large outdoor broom in my garage, my coffee mug, the stripes on the awning covering our back porch, a stripe on a throw pillow on my couch…  You get the point.  There was a day last year when for some reason the color orange caught my eye, I suddenly felt surrounded by it.  It popped up everywhere I turned for several days.  I even went so far as to “see a sign” in it and I looked up the meaning of the color.  With all the positive things it represents, that I relayed to significant aspects of my life at the time (optimism, rejuvenating…) I dug out a smooth, orange-brown rock from my house (I can’t remember why I had it or where I got it from) and kept it near me, in the car where I could see it since I spend plenty of time there taking my son to and from school, to hold onto occasionally but mostly to glance at and remind myself of the meaning. 

I’m not sure I believe in actual healing powers of colors but I do think they are strong reminders of things that can guide us in our days, especially when we need that something extra.  I used to have a calendar, I think it was related to Wicca, which I don’t follow but think is interesting, which gave a color for each day and I would dress accordingly.  It’s not that I really needed any specific guidance at the time, except to help me reduce the amount of time staring into my closet trying to figure out what to wear.  It was fun!

So now I look up the meaning of the color red:  According to the empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com, it is the color of energy, passion and action.  It is a warm and positive color associated with our most physical needs and our will to survive.  It exudes a strong and powerful masculine energy.  (Humph, who knew, I would have thought it feminine?)  Red is energizing.  It excites the emotions and motivates us to take action.  It signifies a pioneering spirit and leadership qualities, promoting ambition and determination.  It is also strong-willed and can give confidence to those who are shy or lacking in will power.  Being the color of physical movement, the color red awakens our physical life force.  It is also (of course??) the color of sexuality and can stimulate deeper and more intimate passions in us, such as love and sex on the positive side or revenge and anger on the negative.  I could have guessed some of those, but not all.  So for now, maybe a few days or a week or maybe more, I will look for the color red but I will not need to look hard, it will just pop up all around me.  I will think about the meaning and how it relates to my life right now.  I think reminders are good for us or we can just go through our days in a somewhat haze, regardless of how awake we think we are.  This is my perspective and opinion anyway. 

I’ll be looking up at that balloon every time I leave, enter or pass my house.  I will think about the things in my life that need taking action, I will probably feel more passionate, not just in the usual sense we relate that word to, although I will feel it that way too.  Passion for life, for jobs, for ideals, for the mundane.  These are things I actually could use reminders of now. 

How often do you take a look around and notice colors?  Are there certain ones that are showing up specifically?  Maybe the universe is lending a hand to help you even if you don’t really think you need helping.  Or not, maybe you think this is all silly and that’s fine too.  I invite you to try it though, if for nothing else but shits & giggles!  (Someone in my past used to say that and I’ve adopted it because I think it’s funny). 

Have a fabulous, colorful weekend!!

Tiffany xo

The Dog Days Of Summer

Dog Days Of Summer

Well that sure sounds like a negative-nancy blog title.  Or not I suppose.  It could purely mean something along the lines of “busy” summer…what does that saying mean?  Ok, my faithful Siri helped me out with this and according to mousebreath.com (huh?!) here’s the scoop on the poop: The term actually dates back to the olden days and has to do with the star Sirius, the brightest star in the heavens, which is also known as the Dog Star.  Sirius was nicknamed the “Dog Star” by the ancient Egyptians in honor of a god named Osirus, whose head resembled that of a dog (arf!).  For around 20 days beginning in late July, Sirius actually rises and sets with the sun, so the Egyptians and Romans put 2 & 2 together and concluded that Sirius added its heat to the sun and made things extra hot…hence, the name “dog days of summer.”  Interesting, but I digress.

As I sit at my cozy red, faux leather restaurant booth we have in a corner under our back porch, at ground level, with a round table in the middle good for morning coffee, wine & laptops, good books and “watching” kids jumping on the trampoline or Friday night beers & nachos with good friends, I sit this lovely summer evening in San Francisco ignoring the call to the kitchen to make dinner.  I do that sometimes and I have a husband who understands, or at least rolls with, that decision.  I’ve had a very busy day and was feeling a bit agro-annie approaching dinner prep time.  Why agro?  Nothing particularly aggravating happened, if you don’t count the huge undertaking of sorting through what felt like mountains of toys to divide between 4 piles: keep, send to Salvation Army, take to our local recycled clothes/toy store where I get credit if they take my “junk” or the trash can which ended up sadly sizable.  Oh and all the while yelling at the kids that it wasn’t play time but clean up time and if they didn’t help I would just throw the whole lot out.  After a post office stop around the corner from the house there was a Safeway run, again around the corner, where I forgot the number 1 reason I went in (milk) so had to go back and wait in line again (%*!@%!!)  Then we did a Costco trip late in the afternoon…I really dislike that place!  For all of the above errands Teagan insisted on bringing her mini plastic shopping cart.  Me: “Teagan keep up!  Teagan watch where you are going!  Sorry my daughter ran into you ma’am.”  Oh and I witnessed a potential love connection on the street corner between a jogger and a cat caller (the jogger being the male & the cat caller being the woman!!) which was an interesting exchange and made me wonder if in a few years they’d be getting married or more likely would in 1 week one or the other be saying “well I won’t be going on another date with him/her!”  Thank god I’m married and not out in that world anymore!!  I actually did managed to squeeze in 35 minutes of yoga ME time today though.  But tonight the weather is being true to the month, unlike our usual arctic summers, and we have a nice “warm” summer evening to enjoy outside.  The wind is picking up a bit as it sadly does around this time but we are soaking up what we can. 

Wait, what was I going to say before describing every minute detail about the scene?

Oh yeah, summer.  Tyler goes back Monday and as predicted I can’t believe this summer vacation is over and he’s starting 1^st grade.  The time really is starting to hit warp speed and is very scary.  We had a great summer though; a wonderful 10 day trip through the U.K. and Ireland; fun days full of laughter at “amusement parks”; free days to jump on the trampoline for hours at a time; loads of camping…and that’s just the cream of the crop.  I worry if I did enough for them, made it fun & memorable enough, but that’s just me being hard on myself as per usual.  However, just because “summer” is over doesn’t mean life is over or fun is over.  Now we have fun fall holidays to look forward to, new friends at school, getting involved in Cub Scouts, etc.! 

AND I look forward to getting back on a structured schedule, which I just don’t do well off of.  The summer meant trips, holidays, birthday parties, camping…all of which equated to crap eating, cake, beer, s’mores, etc. etc. and 8lbs!!!  Eeeeek!  I haven’t been exercising and I let the healthy eating go too.  I’m rapidly forgiving myself for it because #1 C’mon, its summer and it’s ok to let loose! #2 What good does beating myself up for it do anyway since what’s done is done! #3 I will take it off.  In fact today I just put together a spreadsheet (yes, I’m that kind) for my weight loss and exercise goals, figured out all the numbers and am excited to get started!  Ok, I’m not really excited at the likely option of getting up at 6 again to run or do yoga, but hey, beauty is pain!  I can do it after I drop Tyler at school if need be.  I used to run in Golden Gate Park with Teagan after dropping Tyler off.  I’m not comfortable at my current weight…and yes I do have a slightly warped view of my body, but don’t we all to some degree?  Maybe not all of us.  I know it’s a terrible problem with endless possible industries or childhood issues to blame and bottom line comes down to core issues of self love, but hey, I’m working on it!  All things are impermanent which leads to exciting possibilities! 

Let the next phase begin!

Tiffany xo

New blog name, New blog photo, New scope

Disclaimer: This blog is about my thoughts.  They are intended to be honest but they are MY perceptions, even though I try to keep an open mind.  Everyone has the right to their own thoughts & opinions though the way they express them should be taken into careful & respectful account.  I hope I don't offend anyone ever and if I do it's never personal.  That said I hope I don't bore you either, if you are new to my blog, Welcome, if you are returning, as I am returning to posting, Welcome Back. Geez, maybe I've set myself up now to be scandalous and if so I will probably let you down ;)  Although a little scandal never hurt anyone, did it?!

I’m not exactly sure why I stopped blogging but I’ve missed it.  Maybe I was beginning to bore myself!  I was also bummed I didn’t seem to have many readers, and while I don’t expect my blog to launch me into stardom I would lie if I didn’t secretly want that ;)  Or just a little.  I’ve wanted to write a book about my life, and I’ve got years and years and years of journals to pull from, and while I’ve been told I write well, I’m not sure my life is THAT interesting.  But are those who write about their lives, or get semi-famous from their blogs have such interesting lives?  Or are they just good writers?  Anyway, whatever. 

I think what I’d like to get out of restarting my blog is to post my thoughts, stories & observations, my challenges, successes & lessons (note I did not write ‘failure’, which is something I’m working on erasing from my vocabulary) while hoping to reach out to others.  Maybe you will relate and find solace or humor in the similarities or maybe you will just be amused or pause to think of something you might not have or in a different light.  Or maybe you are just bored at work and want something to read…I know NOTHING about that, not now or from before kids J  I’m definitely hoping for more interaction from my readers but that may be asking too much.  Maybe there’s nothing to comment on…I’ve often been told I can write on and on and on and while it’s fairly interesting & amusing, I really haven’t said anything!  Hah, I like to call that stream of conscience writing and there’s a few books recently I’ve read like that…“The Frog King” by Adam Davies & “Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers, both Highly! Recommended!  But maybe there IS something to say or ask and I invite that interaction even though you may usually just be the peeping follower, those who read FB and Instagram and other blogs but never reply, or “Like”, making us all wonder if you really are still out there or not J 

See, I’m proving myself right…what have I really said in all the words above?! 

So most everyone has been hearing about the full moon tonight (gorgeous illustration below) and all the powers it holds.  Some of you think this is all a bunch of hooey and I’d be lying if somewhere inside me I didn’t think that too.  However, I’ve learned in life people need things to inspire them, lift them up when they are down, answer questions, or give them a crutch, etc.  I’m not religious but I’m no mystic, though I respect and do not judge either.  I follow horoscopes and I do want to believe in the powers of the moon…I am a Cancer after all and “ruled by” the beautiful orb.  I believe in the power of our minds and therefore whatever deity you are following or moon cycle or crystal or totem animal, or political party, etc. I think it’s you that helps, guides…or doesn’t help, you.  So I do choose to “believe” in the powers of the moon and nature and animals to guide me.  I do yoga and I’ve been trying to get into meditation to delve deeper into my mind, my own powers.  I struggle with my head & emotions daily, I suppose we all do unless we are sleep walking.  I often think my problems are deeper but maybe more people just aren’t talking about theirs, it’s not a fun topic after all.  I try to live above the material world but there again I’d be lying…I have a ridiculous shoe obsession, I long for that new IT bag, I have more jewelry, crap & nice, than I belong owning, I purchase to display in my home objects that I hope will remind me to not be materialistic but if I really followed that line of thinking I wouldn’t need these material objects at all, would I?  Though they’re so purdy!  We are probably all very alike in that way.  And yet we are all looking (at least I think most of us are) for inner peace, happiness, strength, non-attachment to material items, guidance, etc.  If you aren’t then you must have reached enlightenment and I’d love to borrow your map!

Where am I going with this?  This full moon is supposed to signal a time for us to take back control & power in areas we’ve let go, let pull us down, been letting us down.  It is supposed to get us in touch with our creative selves, our past selves, our desires and needs for change, whatever that is or means, to get back on that road or find the road in the first place.  Whether you believe in the power of the moon or not it’s a good excuse to think about these things now.  How does this show up for you?  For me it means getting off my summer butt and getting back to the things I love like my art, my yoga practice, more involvement in my marriage and children.  I don’t do well without structure and having Tyler on summer break has thrown me for a loop.  Lame excuse right there and something I should focus on tonight while moon gazing and sage burning…ok the sage part might seem a little silly but it’s fun, smells yummy and I like rituals.  Of course I could have been better taking advantage of the free summer time but now it is almost up and all I can do is start now.  Every day is a new day, though I don’t always wake up with that attitude.  I strive to get there though.  I think we are all on this journey together. 

I think I’ve rambled enough for now.  I’d like to close with a quote by Eckhart Tolle I particularly like and have on a “post card” on my desk.  It goes like this: “Stressful energy arises when you think some future moment is more important than the present moment, and the doing becomes only a means to an end.”

May you hear and honor your intuitions.

Tiffany xo

Playing catch-up

Funny, there was a real peak in my blog viewers several posts ago...maybe it caught a lot of people's attention but then didn't keep it enough to check back in.  That's ok.  Ultimately I write this for myself and the few followers that are faithful...tho who knows why you are and who you are :)  Hahahaha!!  Over the years I've thought I was a pretty interesting character living a fairly interesting life, worthy of blogging or heaven forbid writing a memoir.  I still do hope to write "my story" someday but I've been humbled as of late and realized "my story" isn't really so all that.  It's mine though and I'm holding onto it :)

That said, it hasn't been terribly interesting lately.  My daughter is in the throws of the terrible twos and I've been in the throws of Over It!  Plus been tweeking my meds which is just a roller coaster of a ride.  Went from energy and spunk to blah and nada.  Now I'm bouncing back a little and trying to catch up on things, hence this post and the images below.  Yep, still keeping up the daily visual journal!  In my opinion they've been kinda dull, but that's actually a perfect reflection of where I've been so I guess I'm doing something right.  Going to just post the suckers and look toward a longer post hopefully in the next few days.

Cheers

Amazing

I suppose the one good thing about having insomnia or your child having insomnia is getting to tackle some of the to-do's on my list...emails I've been meaning to send, photo uploads I've been meaning to do, writing a new blog post, etc. etc.  Of course I doubt I'll be getting up to go running at 6 considering it's now 3:30 and I've been up since 2 and I'm not sure when I'll be able to cajole Teagan back to bed without one of her epic tantrums ensuing which would wake up the entire house, if not the neighborhood :(  Oh well, it doesn't happen every night, in fact this is the first time and hopefully the last, at least for a while.  Yay parenthood!

I really do wish I knew the key to the ups and the downs...it would make life so much easier, to be able to avoid the triggers that cause the downs and encourage the ones that bring on the ups.  Such is the big quest of my life.  Had some down days and had some up days over the last week.  The downs suck, the ups are nice altho I suppose that would go without saying.  I feel I'm on an upward swing right now which feels good and the astrological website I refer to talks about this time having a lot of energy and forward motion...if I can handle it and not get caught up in frustrations and dredging up old wounds, doubts and reactions.  Hmpf.  I don't think I'll go that way :) 

Had an interesting conversation with my best friend the other night over dinner after our waiter asked how we were and my friend replied "I'm Amazing!" and both the waiter and I thought that was quite great.  And so the topic ensued, finding the "amazing" in your every day, "making" each day Amazing somehow.  I tried it today and it worked quite, well, amazingly.  That's not to say I wasn't bugged at points, like when at 9 am while loading my kids into the car to take Tyler to school I encountered 3 guys who'd just stolen a giant bottle of vodka from Safeway around the corner and stopped to bang off the security cap on a metal gate 2 doors down from my  house then sauntering off to get their drink on after leaving the cap on the sidewalk.  I calmly thanked the guy for littering then went about my business which afforded me the position only to see that the guy was mouthing off back at me but not to hear his choice words.  Oh yeah and then there was standing in line at Michael's when Teagan showed me a new trick of picking up some candy (I swear I hate that all stores have that crap right there at the checkout line where you end up standing and waiting and arguing with your kids about why they can't have any crap), opening the package and proceeding to eat it before I notice!  WTF?!  So after I took it away and scolded her a huge flaming tantrum erupted and I was lucky enough to have 3 fellow moms of varying ages in line with me who chuckled along with me and shared their stories of similar encounters as Teagan screamed, flailed, kicked and cried on the floor.  Sigh...have I said Yay Parenthood yet this blog post?!  :)  At any rate, at the dinner table over fresh homemade pumpkin ginger soup when Tony asked me how my day was I straightened my back a bit, lifted my chin and proclaimed "it was Amazing."  He was a bit taken aback by that so I just explained to him all the "amazing" things that happened.  It felt great and I hope I can try to adopt this new attitude every, or most, days going forward.

My art pieces didn't make it into the art show that I submitted to last week but I was and am totally ok with it.  When I picked them up I was able to peruse the other "rejects" that hadn't yet been picked up and I was pretty amazed and stoked to see there was a lot of really good, creative, fun, unique stuff that also wasn't selected.  Hey, you can't win 'em all but it takes guts and confidence to submit and you never know until you do.  I went to the show opening Saturday night with a friend who did get her pieces into the show and it was a nice time.  I'm also now the proud owner of a new art piece called "Second Chance" which now hangs in my dining room...my first sculpture/mixed media purchase which reminds me of a figurehead, a mermaid, a cross and an angel all at the same time.  I LOVE it!!  I'm so glad it was so reasonably priced :)  I also met up with the artist who has the gallery in his converted garage/first level of his house and after a great conversation and review of all my work that I brought over to show him he suggested/offered/accepted hosting my upcoming big 40th birthday party art show!!  I couldn't be happier, he's a really nice guy, very talented and his space is perfect.  Things are really falling into place!!!

So below are the visual journals since my last blog post - yep, I'm managing to keep it up and actually start to get a little creative with some!  Hope you enjoy.

and it feels like I just got home!

(written Wednesday afternoon)

As I sit on my back porch soaking up some Vitamin D which is warming my back and enjoying the temperate breeze, barely able to see my laptop screen but just feeling like I can't Not be outside when mother nature presents such a "winters day", I find myself pondering where oh where to begin and what exactly to write about.  It's only been a few days, but my days are full...of thoughts, emotions, issues, non-issues and oh let's not forget children.  At the  moment my fingers are crossed that despite the new trick my daughter has learned to open her closed bedroom door when it is nap time, and despite her repeatedly coming down to check out what I'm doing, that she may at least leave me to what is usually my peace time by not needing or demanding anything of me.  I keep sending her back up to nap and she keeps coming back down.  I don't know what I'm going to do if she is about to quit napping.  Already we have sleep issues at night with both the kids which we might better solve if we had them in separate bedrooms but that's not really possible in this house...  Anyway, I digress.  Basically I could sum up the parenting bit right now as: it's hard.  You tackle one issue and get into a groove and then they change things up again for you - will it be this way until they leave the house someday?!  So it's no wonder I seem extra stressed, extra frazzled, extra extra, I feel like I live in a funny farm!!  Even if I were perfectly 100% balanced and all wise I'm not sure I couldn't be rattled.  Mind you it's still something I love, adore and wouldn't change for the world.  It's just a matter of finding my peace...and I was finding it during nap time and after putting the kids to bed so now I just gotta get more creative ;)

Creative is something I've actually been being very good at lately, I've been working hard on my art and really feeling proud of the results.  This week I've been putting in a lot of time on a new piece I'm planning on submitting along with another similar piece to a show at the ARC Gallery called "Impulse" which isn't to mean that's what the pieces are about but rather the gallery is hoping to create or nurture existing impulsive art collectors.  I saw the Call For Art and upon thinking about what I could submit I searched through my stash of inspiration images and found one I thought would work well converted to beading.  Here's the original piece, The Beaded Madonna which I did a year ago and will submit with the new piece, Beaded Masquerade, pictured below:

 

I'm really excited about the new piece, which isn't as completely beaded as this one and this time incorporates sequins as well.  Of course the doubter in me says I'm never going to be accepted into this show, why even try.  Well, because you never know until you try and having the courage to go for it in the first place, along with creating a really cool piece I wouldn't maybe otherwise have, means I have nothing to lose and should be very proud of myself regardless.  I wonder if "successful" artists ever say that, "I'm proud of myself."  Somehow that feels like words for people who aren't top notch, although I suppose if I were top notch what would I have left to do, to try for, to aim for?  Yeah.

 

So I know I wrote last time about not taking me so seriously, not being offended, explaining a little more my situation, etc. but somehow it still didn't seem enough and I nearly decided, and may still, to take down my blog, or at least erase all the posts up until now.  This social media thing is so huge and people are just so judgemental, you never know who is looking and how they are going to react.  Just a snapshot in my day and someone could take that and run and I may have sealed my own fate!  It's crazy and angering.  I was trying to reassure myself by looking back over my blogs and visual journals but stepping back and just seeing the words and images without anything else I could actually see where things might be taken wrong.  I was going through some rough days and I wasn't holding that back with the blog or journal but on one page as I flipped through I noticed I'd put a picture of a row of sharp garden tools...since I'd been GARDENING that day...but I feared someone might see them as weapons or a subtle cry for wanting to use them on something other than weeds.  Now if I could go there than anyone could go there and suddenly I was so angry and frustrated.  Do I stop posting my journals, are they just too personal to put out there without explaining every little part of them?  Do I worry that co-workers of my husband or my neighbors or Tyler's school friend's parents or anyone else I have interactions with will misinterpret and act on that misinterpretation?  Ugh.  I don't know.  The artist in me says NO Fucking Way, this is my creative outlet, I know everything is ok, people go through hard times and maybe they just don't want to admit it or are uncomfortable with other people going through it or whatever.  I've had people tell me they gain strength from knowing they aren't the only one's going through a hard time or that I say things they've only thought and wanted to say but were afraid to.  I don't want to shut my mouth, I don't want to not share personal things, but I also don't want to pay any prices for doing so.  Hmmm, I probably would have made a wimpy revolutionary!  Hahaha!

 

Tonight is a full moon and The Power Path (an astrological site I follow loosely) assures me this is the transition between one chapter and the next and that I need to make sure to leave behind the last several weeks and not drag them into the coming time where so much is possible.  I may do a burning ceremony, as it suggested, and then do some self-pampering as also suggested...maybe a pedicure after the kids go to bed!  I definitely feel like the time has come to move out of this crazy phase and like WTF just happened?!  Best not to dwell but to move forward, onward and upward.  I have lots of art to get done in preparation for my big 40th birthday art show, for one, and I need to work on my website.  I also need to take time to relax, just BE as well as to enjoy my children for whatever phase they are in.  I hope to be posting a lot more art along with my visual journals here so keep watching!! 

 

As always, I welcome comments or questions or even just "like" on FB ;)  It helps to know people are reading and NOT being offended or worried, but if you are that's ok too, I'd rather hear about it than not.

 

Cheers,

Tiffany

 

Just when you thought it couldn't get deeper...

It can't!  Haha!  What I mean is...well, let me explain.  For those who are new to my blog or new to me you may not know what to expect, may be surprised by things I say or heck, maybe I bore you!  In my own fantastical world in my head I'm the coolest but also dorkiest, smartest yet dumbest, sweetest yet bitchiest, hottest yet dumpiest, most talented yet a failure in the creative world.  I speak what's on my mind, in general - I mentioned recently how I've accidentally put people off with things I've written when it had nothing to do with them or how they took it but I had to learn to think outside myself, even though I tend to be totally self absorbed.  Aren't we all?  Ok, maybe not.  I took a break from my blog for a while after feeling so bad that I could have hurt or offended anyone, I told myself I was a horrible person then licked my wounds saying of course I didn't mean it but still I stayed away.  After my art got really under way again and I started this daily visual journal I decided to take to the blog again, figuring it must be safe if all I'm doing is posting about my visual journal.  But then I got an interesting perspective from a friend recently who said my art can be dark and my writing can definitely be dark and while they know me and know that's not totally who I am that may not be the case with everyone who reads this.  I threw out some labels that people might have wondered about, like Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Well, the internet is a great place if you haven't checked lately and if you read something you don't know the meaning of you can look it up real quick.  Of course how many of us have the time to look up every dang thing we aren't totally sure about, esp. if it doesn't really relate to us at all?  I have some chemical imbalances, the titles of which sounds scarier than they are.  Scratch that, they can be very scary in reality, but I'm a pro at them and have learned how to explain to those close to me that it's just a cycle that comes and goes, like a roller coaster up and down, some days aren't so good, some are downright bad, others are perfectly great and fine.  Tough thing is it's a crap shoot each day.  If I'm on a good roll chances are each day isn't such a gamble but when things get wobbly it can be as easy as the wind changing direction and suddenly I'm engulfed.  Those who don't know anyone with any mental issues or who don't have any themselves - first, your very lucky - but ya know with my imbalances comes a lot of passion.  No one can deny I'm a passionate person about most everything in my life.  I feel passionately.  I not only have some emotional challenges but I'm also a Cancer which just adds to it.  But I don't want anyone to cringe and worry about my children or my husband or anything.  If you do, please feel free to contact me directly.  We are all ok. 

I'm an artist, how many in history do you know of that were a little off their rocker?  It's not such a bad thing, I can't imagine being normal and "boring" - that was a joke, the boring part ;)  At any rate, I hope those reading and following my blog don't take anything too seriously.  Each day when I write and put together my visual journal it's just a snapshot of me, of my day.  Often as I'm flipping through a magazine an image will pop out and I just stop and go That's It!!  and it may or may not make any sense as to what actually went on in my day, or it may, but somehow it just works for me.  Same goes with the "sound bites" or "catch phrases" I add to the pages.  Then the poems...again, a snapshot.  It may represent just 5 minutes of my whole day.  I love art, you can do anything with it, you can try to send a message but people are going to interpret it so differently, from the artist's intention and from other viewers.  So interpret as you may but if you really have questions or comments, I welcome them with open arms.  Thank you again for reading and following me :)  Peace and love be with you.

Busy = Happy, or at least positive

Getting behind posting, BUT not getting behind doing my actual visual journals.  I'm wondering when it will lose its appeal, both to me and to my viewers.  Well, I think a goal for now is to keep it up until my birthday since I'm planning on having a big 40th birthday art show and it would be cool to put out my journal for viewing.  So that's a 6 month commitment as of now and tho I'm finding it more and more challenging that also means I'm being pushed in more and different ways which is precisely what I need and half the reason I'm doing it.  However, I'm just not going to be able to write much about them all the time esp when I'm feeling better and am busy.  It's funny, my written journal has huge gaps in it from the times where life is good but when I'm in a shit hole I've got pages written for every day!  To overview briefly, up until yesterday I was having a really rough time and that's really reflected in my visual journal.  I actually showed it to my mother and her response was "it seems like my daughter is haunted."  Lovely.  And true...sometimes.  Here is Jan 3, 4, 5 & 6.  I will save 7 to hopefully write about along with 8.  Cheers.

Words are very unecessary...

they can only do harm.
Feelings are intense, words are trivial...
All I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed
is here in my arms.
Enjoy the silence

Name that tune ;)  Yes, Depeche Mode just came on my Pandora station and it felt fitting to where I was at on January 2nd.

I'm getting myself a little confused at this point now because I'm generally doing my visual journal for the day on the next morning because by the end of the night I'm too tired and still often "soaking up" the day so it just makes more sense to reflect the next morning before starting that day.  However, if I don't actually post it then, like now where I'm trying to post for the last 2 days, things start to get a little fuzzy. 

Anyway, I made room on my visual journal page for Thursday to write a poem because there felt such a need and because I truly want to include them each day.  For all the emotional angst I'd been putting myself through for over a week over a gut feeling I had I finally got a phone call which both put to rest and confirmed my feeling.  I still have another check-in to make but I was overly joyed to find out my initial fears were unfounded.  Cryptic?  Yes, well I don't want to go into details, those are not important.  The basic impact on me was due to self-doubt, fear and sensitivity.   At least I have the security to reach out to confirm or deny my concerns.  However, much of the day I was still feeling a bit like a freak, like an outcast, angry, broken and looked down upon, hence much of the imagery.  But really who is doing the judging here, the people I *think* are feeling that way or myself?  Yes, myself.  I take full responsibility for my actions, right or wrong good or bad, I take responsibility for how they represent who I am and I take responsibility for judging as well as accepting and loving myself for them.  What more can I really do?  Hopefully learn some lessons and choose to or not to act accordingly next time.

Naaay!!

Happy New Year!  New Moon phase, Year of the Horse and all that good shit ;)

I hate getting too caught up in any holiday anymore, it just doesn't do me any good.  I know myself and it's best to keep an even level of excitement and anticipation for big things so as not to set up for a let down.  Maybe that's not the right attitude but it's what keeps me sane for now.  I think I've finally gone from swinging way high and swinging way low to just kinda bobbing around the horizon line and while it definitely keeps things more tolerable it also feels a bit numb.  It's like an ex boyfriend of  mine once commented that "life is never boring with Tiffany even if that means it's not positive."  But "boring" is a funny word I think...these days being a stay at home mom I often feel "bored" regardless of being busy.  Working on my art and doing social things helps break me out of that bored place but really, can life be just a big jolly exciting party all the time?  No.  Or maybe it can, but who can sustain that?  The rich and famous who have tons of minions to do all their "real life" stuff like laundry, grocery shopping, paperwork, kid sleep training, etc. etc.  Anyway, I have gotten in "trouble" in the past for saying things I apparently shouldn't or that isn't appropriate or is uncomfortable for the company and it has always pissed me off because I hate that I should have to BE someone else just because other people might not get it.  Have I gone totally off topic now?  My sis & bff kindly remind me that just because it's ok in my eyes doesn't mean it's ok in the rest of the worlds eyes and even tho that doesn't mean I should conform it does mean if I want to keep the peace I should have a little respect.  Gosh, I just never thought I was disrespectful, that hardly feels like a word people would use to describe me...or is it?  At any rate, this is a whole tangent playing in my head these days which has translated to my visual journal, although maybe not totally obviously.  The poetry is missing the last few days due to lack of space and a pissy attitude.  I'm trying to stay positive and not bitter but that's not always easy.  I'm working hard on trying not to care, ultimately, about what others think about me, but that's just not who I am.  I care about what people think.  I want people to like me.  But if they don't, that's just their loss I guess ;)

Pure Heroine

Just purchased and listening to Lorde's Pure Heroine and I LOVE it!!  A new album to take me through the new year.  Realized it's a new moon tonight as well so it's an extra powerful time.  In the process of setting some intentions and putting them on paper.  No, not "resolutions" but Intentions. :)

Yesterday was a better day, it got better after I showered, washed my hair and put on thick black eyeliner ;)  Cleaned up the house and took down Christmas deco since I don't like to go into the new year with it still up.  I felt like a lot of different people which is reflected in my daily journal imagery and poem.  Busy with nothing today getting ready for New Year's Eve...

122913

it was a sluggish day, still feeling the energy drain from the Mission and have this mysterious crappy pain in my right arm which has put a damper on my spirit & productivity.  I laid low much of the day with the partial excuse that it was Sunday.  I got some bummer news and have also been feeling a bit hyper sensitive/hyper paranoid about some friendships so all in all it wasn't a great day.  well, I guess they can't all be positive ;) 

Eeeny Meeny Miney Mission

So we drove 4 hours south to visit Tony's dad Friday morning, returning late last night.  That's about all we can take unfortunately.  It's so sad watching those we love get old, grumpy, sedentary, confused, etc.  We usually go for slightly longer but break it up by staying with some good friends who live nearby but who were sick with the flu this time.  Tony told me on the drive home I did very well this trip...well, I brought with me plenty of distractions, my new daily goal of the visual journal occupying much of my thoughts since what was tangible and in front of me i was trying to escape.  I suppose that doesn't really make sense, trying to avoid the pain of real life by figuring out how to put my feelings about it into my visual journal?  Well, whatever, that's what I did and it seemed to work and I actually got the page done!  It's funny how as I'm going through the day I'm making note of what's impacting me, influencing me, affecting me and what I want to take away from it to put in my journal and then the task of finding the imagery and verbiage in my current magazine stash, in the tips of my pens & paint brushes, in the form of poetry, to take the whole day and make one page out of it.  Some things that seem important don't end up on the page but how can you capture it all?  This new project is challenging me, rewarding me and therapyzing me (that's not a word i know but i didn't like "counseling me"). 

Yesterday was another day of driving and pit stops so I didn't get to finish my page until this morning which i felt compelled to do before anything else...ok, I helped get the kids dressed, wiped Teagan's snotty nose, watched the kids play on the sidewalk out front, picked up the house a little, etc.  Again, another day filled with things I can't possibly, or maybe don't even want to, include on its page.  I grabbed little things here and there to add to it, including a St. Anthony charm that I safety pinned to the page and while at Barrel House Brewing Company I did a rubbing from the very cool & bizarre wall texture which became the background of the page. 

We visited two Missions on this little road trip, places I'm very drawn to and intrigued by.  Yes more of the cross collecting atheist's random obsessions.  I would like to put together a photo book someday, not the first of it's kind but the first by me, of all the California and Baja Missions.  I've been to and photographed several of them now.  On our way down we checked out the small Mission Soledad, off the beaten path a little and centered in fields of dusty crops, the wind blowing dirt over the property making you wonder how it hasn't been buried!  I absolutely loved the chapel with all it's quaint detail and i picked myself up a little golden Milagro heart which i glued onto my visual journal page for the day.  On the drive home, however, since we had the time we drove the 26 miles off the highway to visit Mission San Antonio de Padua.  The drive was very pretty, a mixture of old oaks and desert feel.  Fallen leaves scattered the road and as we drove through I'd look in my rear view mirror and smile at the fluttering, sparkling dance we'd leave behind.  Unfortunately the mission didn't leave me with as much good feeling.  I couldn't put my finger on it while we were there, wandering about the massive building and grounds, nor could I figure it out as we were driving away and I knew I never wanted to return.  It wasn't until my head lay on my pillow many hours later that I made the connection between the saint of lost possessions, the disabled & sick, St. Anthony, and the mission built in his namesake.  I had been picking up the negative energy of loss, of pain and tragedy and heartache.  It was almost as if I could see the spirits erratically flying about, tortured and sad.  Yes, I just said that.  Yes, I'm an atheist...but something I can't quite resolve is my connection to what I can only really describe as the spiritual world, or the energy world.  Do I believe in ghosts? Not really.  But I know I have a mild psychic connection to my fellow man and their energy.  As I tried explaining all this to Tony (ironic about the name) this morning he took the opposite reaction, that there would be a sense of love, support & kindness to those things & people lost, to those disabled and sick.  I heard him and I understood but it's not what I felt when I was there.  I'm glad I went but I won't be returning.  Maybe someday I should, to try to make peace with it, but it's very far down on my list and I've basically already put it behind me.

So here are the two visual journals for Friday and Saturday.  Enjoy!

Super Who? Super What?

It's been a WHILE since I blogged...what on earth was I focusing on at that point?  My fitness goals? Those went by the wayside for my artistic goals which then went by the wayside when I mentally couldn't handle any more than the basic daily tasks...  In November I thought I'd found my miracle happy pill, which of course came with the caveat that I couldn't take them for long lest I develop some random "possibly permanent abnormal facial/tongue movements" (do I trade a facial tic for true bliss?!) but I find myself at the end of December once again feeling like I did prior to starting my miracle pill.  Ah hah, so apparently there is no miracle pill, just temporary fixes of some sort or another.  Which leads me to the ultimate goal of this post, since I neither have the time nor energy to pour out a giant typical Tiffany blog.  One of the beauties of being diagnosed Bipolar II along with the prediagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and being prescribed a lower dose of Zoloft along with a new low dose of (happy pill drum roll...) Abilify, is that I've suddenly had the mental clarity and physical energy to tackle more than the minimal requirements of the day and thus my art.  I've completed more art in the last 4 weeks than the last year I think!  Not that it's all great, but it's complete and it comes from that place inside me that needs release, that needs to create, that needs to grow via my art.  But as the happy pill high is waning I'm in fear of losing my artistic burst and want to set myself a goal to hopefully keep me pushing through the tough days, as today was one.  I happen to pick up a "magazine/book" called Artists' Café Best of Somerset Mixed Media and was, in a very low moment not just in the day but in the month, the year, even my life (if up to now I had to rank a dozen or so of them) I made my way through by creating a visual journal page.  I am a journaler, I am a writer, I am an artist but up until now I have not been a visual journaler.  The ideas were all over the magazine I picked up today and with the options of doing something not quite so productive or even I dare say harmful vs creating a visual journal page...well, the Tiffany that is the survivor picked the latter and here we have it.  It's not pretty, it's not happy.  I even wrote a "poem" to go with it which is not at all uplifting but I was none of those things as I created it.  However, when it was finished there was a sense of relief, of the blister burst, of a pride and that's what I hope to keep aiming for with this new goal.

So going forward I'm going to try my hardest each day to create a visual journal page.  It will be put together within an hour, not over thought, not over planned or over produced.  It will be what it is, the good bad or ugly.  I am going to post a picture of it here each day as a way to keep myself in check.  We are planning on going away the next few days so both doing the page and posting it will be a challenge but I think I need those to keep me sane right now.  Sanity is a good thing I think everyone can agree :) 

I welcome and invite you on my journey here and of course am always open to comments, suggestions, thoughts, etc. 

best,
tiffany

Ebb & Flow

It has been WAY too long since I wrote my last blog...my problem is that I don't force myself to sit down often and write because I know I want to/tend to write a lot and if I let any amount of time get away from me then I just become overwhelmed by everything I "need" to write about.  So here I am about to write one of my quickies, or so I think :)  It's 10:17 pm and Tyler is sitting beside me on the couch playing with his blocks & cars, avoiding sleep as is his new routine each night :(  It's Saturday  night, I've got wine and frankly too much life stress to get angry with him tonight and enforce going up to bed.  Life isn't bad...geez, it's by far bad, but our doggie is sick and that seems to cloud everything.  Funny, or not, how the kids are totally oblivious to it, they just keep playing, trying to jump on Boris, act silly, etc.  It's actually much better & easier that way but still seems awkward for the rest of us.  Right now we don't really know what is going to happen with our sweet doggy but we know we don't have a lot of time with him which sucks.  But us pet owners, we know our pets don't live forever...I met a girl recently who had an African Grey Parrot and apparently they live 70 yrs!!!... and so when we incorporate them into our lives we know it's only for a certain amount of time though we don't talk or think about that.  Tony & I initially adopted 2 kittens from the SPCA years ago but had the unfortunate incidence of one of them developing some terminal kitten disease (I can't remember what it's called...FAP? FIP?) at the ripe 'ol age of like 5 months and had to put him down which was totally god awful even though he'd only been in our lives a short period of time.  I will never forget that sweet kitty we called Chumsley.  We quickly, though not with excitement, replaced him with a black cat the SPCA called "Davey" and we renamed "Mugsy" who we can't now imagine not having in our lives so it makes you wonder about all things "destined" and "meant to be."  We also had to put down an ancient kitty, Boots, who was in her early 20's when her little body was just done with this earth, after living a long life with me as a youngster then my mom & Aunt through most of her adult life before coming to live with us and stealing Tony's heart.  We are animal people but as animal people we know we live on quasi borrowed time with our four legged friends, and yet we still choose to embark on that path.  All other animals owners will understand.

That is the most recent significant thing going on in my life to write about.  There's been a lot more but I hesitate to delve into that now for fear I will let it all overwhelm me and this blog will sit in my draft folder for months or inevitably, only to be deleted for a newer post dismissing all of what I'm writing about now.

I've been hard at work on my art...even going up to Mendocino for a weekend by myself to do a plein air workshop with an artist I met at one of the open studios last fall.  It was a wonderful experience and I hope to soon finish up the two paintings I worked on up there and post them but they have taken a back seat as of now.  I loved the B&B I stayed in, the Joshua Grindle Inn, which I highly recommend and want to go back to for the amazing breakfasts and welcome bottle of wine, relaxing room & deep soak tub! 

I set my sights on several art shows, printing & taping up the Call For Art on my easel, which I painted specifically for and were accepted into!  The first was in Half Moon Bay, a "Wild, Natural California" show that I submitted a coast landscape for...

...and is currently showing at the Coast Land Trust Gallery in Half Moon Bay.  The significance behind this is more meaningful than anything, and of course only known to very few.  One year ago I saw a post on FB from a high school "friend" who had a piece of art hanging at this very gallery and who encouraged everyone to go check it out, take a photo with it, post it and she would send an art print.  So I did...I wanted to see this art up close, I was inspired by this peer of  mine who seemed to be doing it all - being a mom and an artist.  I went, I saw, I photographed & I posted...along with a beautiful day of picnicking with my 2 sweet kids in Half Moon Bay, photographing the spring blooms & my kids' changing smiles.  I went home and decided that I too could do "this", be an artist and a mother.  Heck, to just get back into my art period!  I made the time, my hubby & kids got me an easel for mother's day, a friend sent me some brushes, paints & paper to accompany the few supplies I already had, and I got to it!  A year later I submitted, was accepted and now showing at the very gallery where 1 year prior I got my inspiration!  Such an exciting event!!

 

Subsequently, I've been trying to seek out every & all "Call For Art" possible (easier said than done) to enter.  A good friend gave me a tip and long story short I was soon showing yet another piece in another gallery!  The Sun Gallery in Hayward had a show of "World View: Landscape" and so I painted & entered this...

...and at the artist's reception received some really cool compliments!!

 

Life has been busy, not always allowing time to paint, which is frustrating and yet I have to remind myself my first obligation/love is to my children, husband and home.  Of course this is a daily, hourly, minute by minute duty that can drain even the most devoted mommy.  So I paint when I can and also try to take care of my body by getting up and exercising and then eating right.  I'm really learning about balance!!

 

We have a full summer on the books and I know before I blink twice it's gonna be Fall so I'm trying to remember to enjoy every day, every minute, be grateful for what I have, be patient & loving and remember it will all be over before I know it.

Balance & Influence

There are days when I say "I wish I had all day to just focus on my art" and there are days when I actually have that time but the creative juices are just not flowing.  I think I read somewhere, per some famous artist, that you have to push past those feelings and force yourself to work on your art.  I guess I can see that to an extent...if I'm not feeling like working on a current painting maybe I can sift through my inspiration file (ok, it's a big drawer overflowing with images I've ripped from magazines that for one reason or another inspire me or give me ideas to incorporate in future paintings - enough inspiration, I might add, for a lifetime of full time painting!) or check out fellow artist's work on-line via FB or newsletters I've subscribed to, or sit down with one of the many books I've most recently checked out of the library regarding, somehow, art.  I used to hate the library (didn't like *borrowing* books, didn't like the Dewey decimal system and trying to find what I was looking for plus they always felt old & dusty to me!) but within the past few years that changed completely.  I realized I could search on-line for books with a key word and have a list of books come up and then I could click a few buttons and reserve it or request it be sent to my local library branch, then I just throw the kids in the stroller, take a little walk and BAM!  It has been such an amazing resource, hehehe!  Right now I've got this really interesting book on my nightstand called "Finding Your Visual Voice: A Painter's Guide To Developing An Artistic Style."  I've checked out ooodles of books on "how to paint" but I realized a few things about those: I basically already know how to paint first of all, secondly they styles & examples were just not interesting to me and lastly that even if I didn't know what I was doing I'm not sure I could learn from a book.  I definitely think I can use building skills I don't have or are young, as well as learning some tips, but that's where my Practice, Practice, Practice comes in...but flipping through books here and there can't hurt after all.   Regarding the current book, even though I finally feel like I'm no longer searching for my *style*, per say, I'm still open to delving into what makes Tiffany the Artist tick, what avenues I could explore that would be right up my alley and turn out to fit right in with my current direction.  Or maybe find something that takes me off on a whole different direction but is still keeping with my own style.  It's funny, I was going to attend a lecture recently put on by a local art studio titled "What Sells: Creating A Saleable Body Of Work" but after a little thought I decided not to attend...after all, of course I'd like to sell my art but I want people to buy it because they like it, because it moves them somehow and because it's something I created because *I* wanted to, because *I* enjoyed making it, because ultimately I'm not creating art to make money, I'm creating MY art because it's who *I* am.  Why should I go to a lecture to find out *what* I should be painting??  Nah.  Now, there may have been more to it than that, but in the end I decided there were other lectures coming up I'd rather attend that were more pertinent for me like "Representation: Approaching Art Galleries" and "Presentation: Preparing Your Artist Packet and Writing Your Artist Statement" and "Exhibition: Preparing To Show Your Artwork."  I will definitely be attending those three!

Circling back to my original thought above (haha!) there are days and times when I really want to work on my art but other things just won't allow it.  Tyler started pre-school in the beginning of March and I've had to learn to adjust accordingly.  First adjustment was letting go of my baby and realizing he was growing up and was heading into a new stage of his life where he's not with me all the time.  I think that part was both scary/sad as well as liberating for both he and I.  We're actually still adjusting to that on a daily basis, though I'm happy to report the crying (on both sides) has subsided!  Then there's the schedule aspect!  I almost feel like I've got an outside job again now, my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. so I can get my exercise out of the way (if I wait until later it eats into my art time) then I get myself ready quick so I can get the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door by 8:10 to be dropping off Tyler in South San Francisco at 8:30.  Home by 9 I spend the next hour approximately straightening up the house, doing laundry, dishes, sometimes baking, administrative stuff and a new fun routine of having coffee (decaf!) on the back porch with Teagan.  She gets her own little mug and sits next to me on the doorstep, kicking her little legs that don't quite touch the ground, asking "more" as she finishes the few swallows I've poured in her mug (lest she spill it all) and then clinking "cheers" with me and a satisfied "Aaaah" after the first swallow :)   If it's an errand day Teagan & I spend the morning with "girl time" at Target, Safeway, Trader Joe's, Michael's, etc. until her nap time at 1030 (I can hear her playing in her crib usually until 11 or even 1130 sometimes but I still put her down at 1030 so I can get MY time) and then I paint, or sketch my next painting, but generally it's something I have a hard time doing when the kids are around.  By 1230 I've gotta get Teagan up, change her diaper and head out to get Tyler.  When we get home I feed her lunch (Tyler eats at school) and then I *try* to get back to my art...sometimes there's other errands to run or we take a walk to the playground & library or there's more cleaning and cooking to do (there's Always cleaning & cooking to do!) but I do try to work on my art if the kids aren't climbing all over me or otherwise obscuring/distracting me from being able to.  The afternoon, hell the DAY, goes by Fast!  By 430 I need to be starting dinner because those turkeys are ready to eat between 5-530, then it's dinner clean-up, bath & story time and finally some peace by 7-8.  Tony often takes care of the dinner clean-up and/or bath & story time but at that point I'm DONE and working on art is just not really an option.  Usually that's when I read my library books or surf the web for art stuff, etc.  I try to get to bed at a decent hour (9pm) or if it's a tv night (The Following on Mondays & Criminal Minds on Wednesdays) more like 10-1030pm.  Alarm goes off at 6 and it starts all over again!  Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the movie "Groundhog Day"!!  Tyler goes to school Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday but the other days aren't too much different, I'm just not wearing my Mommy Taxi hat then and so I'll get more time for art.

I've got a list on my easel of upcoming shows I'm submitting paintings for and I just completed and sent in "Santa Lucia" for one of them.

I'm really pleased with how it turned out since several times in the process I hated it and felt it was going to turn out like a total piece of shit!  "It kicked my ass"...something I find myself saying after many of my paintings, but it was a good ass kicking ;)  I'm learning and growing with every piece!  Like, for example, this is my 2nd true landscape and I think what I've learned is that while I'm inspired by the image I'm painting, I'm not necessarily passionate about painting it.  I think this is key because passion is so important in the creation process, not only for my happiness but also for the final product.  What AM I passionate about painting?  Well...I don't think I want to give that away just yet and I'm still working on it but I think it will reveal itself soon enough.  I'm anxious to be accepted in the show I submitted "Santa Lucia" for but I'm also perfectly content with not since I'm so proud of it and I know it will find the right home eventually. 

The next show I've slated to submit for (thank you to my friend Julia who forwarded the Call For Art on to me!) is another landscape...although in the theme's description it is said what a broad term "landscape" can be and therefore it is very much open for interpretation, thankfully!  So I'm sketching from a photo I took last summer while on a little girl's weekend getaway with my sister up the coast.  That's all I'm gonna say for now, but by April 15th I'll hopefully be posting the finished piece.  I'm glad I have that amount of time because yesterday a creative wrench was thrown my way in the form of a sudden, almost urgent, inspiration and I may just work on that first...or it may be the first time I work on two pieces in tandem.  I'm almost hesitant to say what the subject is because it's very emotionally charged and in my deepest corner of self-doubt I worry I won't be able to pull it off as well I'd like and therefore it  may never reach the public eye.  That said, let's hope I am just being silly in not believing and trusting in my abilities.  This piece is a big deal for me...

Well I see it's lunchtime and Tyler is home so I've got to put aside this creative time (I definitely count my writing and blog as creative time) and get some food going for him....oh and me too, yeah, I'm forgetting to eat a lot these days which isn't so bad on the waistline but isn't always so good for a steady hand and creative focus.  Sigh...balance.