Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
black cats & broken records
Our black cat is named Mugsy but we call him many different names including Muggbutt, Mr. Mugglesworth, Mudgy and Mugglebottom. He's a big, furry, lovable cat who has Herpes in one of his eyes so it's often very runny. Some days Tony likes to ask me if I've seen Muggy's butthole and of course I say no even though sometimes it's hard not to with the way cats walk an inch from your face across whatever you are doing, tail held high. He actually stepped on my peanut-butter toast the other day!! Muggy has the biggest butthole of all our cats, not that I'm paying attention, but my husband has told me. Mugs likes to perch on this one counter corner in the kitchen right by the door so he can swipe at anyone who walks by and doesn't give him a treat. He loves his treats. He sits there and meows and meows and meows. When Tony is out of town I give Mugsy treats just once a day but he's used to getting a lot more when Tony is home. My mom claims to love cats but does nothing but say mean things to Muggy when he snags her sweater as she walks by, but then she'll go get the treat packet and shake out more little brown square treats on the counter than Tony may give him all day. Mugs comes and goes as he pleases, as do most cats, but he is a big lover and can be rather aggressive with getting love from you. His nose seems to get all puckered when I scratch under his chin and this morning he let me give him a big, long belly rub on the bed. Tony always asks me if I pet the animals to which I reply no because I think it is such an absurd question. I just don't dote on them the way he does. Me and the animals have an understanding, we live together, I feed them and scoop their poop and give them lovin but I have my own life. Am I saying Tony doesn't have a life? No, he does, he has more life than many of us half his age. But I not only married the Mayor of Candyland (hahahaha, he hated when I called him that in a prior blog but all it means is that he's so happy-go-lucky it doesn't seem possible) but I also married Dr. Doolittle. Then again, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit in this department. I mean, I allowed if not welcomed and sought out many of the animals that live with us, if not all of them. I love animals even though they make my work as cleaner of this house a lot harder. Sometimes the things you love most cause you the most stress and you actually wonder for a few minutes in the heat of an especially stressful time if it is really worth it, but of course it generally is. The fact that Boris is always sneaking himself a special human snack off the counters is incredibly aggravating and yet it's our fault for leaving it and trusting him. And of course I don't actually question whether or not having kids was a good idea, and even if I did there's nothing I would do about it because the wonderfulness way outweighs the madness. Like Teagan's guaranteed daily diaper blow-out. I spend more time treating her poop stains than I care to admit. Like Tyler wanting me to read the same damned Thomas magazine to him over and over and over or hearing him say "mommy" ten million times in a row for no reason it seems other than to hear himself say it! At the end of the day I can laugh about it and I'm trying more often to laugh about it when it happens. Tony says I allow myself to get too stressed out by the kids and all my "work." He's right. I probably don't spend enough time enjoying it because I'm all business, trying to get things done around the house like keeping it in some semblance of order, trying to make sure people are fed, diapers are changed, that my guests feel at home, blah blah blah blah blah. I had a little breakdown at the therapist's this week, although it was probably hugely blown out of proportion due to my hangover. Was the fact that I was hungover directly related to my little breakdown? Perhaps. Trying to cut loose and have fun and not staying in control. But that's the old Tiffany, the pre-children Tiffany or at least the pre-Teagan Tiffany. I've been working so hard to stay zen and it hasn't been that hard considering all the work I've done in therapy lately so I just don't get it. But that IS typical Tiffany, questioning things when they are going well and then subconsciously stirring it up a little, adding a little drama or hiccup to make it feel normal again. Not that I'm a drama queen by any means, but I'm emotional and introspective and somewhat suspicious I suppose. I'm loving being a mother and I know I'm a good one but geez, I've only got two kids not five or eight or...I think my true calling has yet to be discovered. The real reason I'm here, the real things waiting for me to get done. Then again maybe I'm digging too deep and just trying to imagine some greater cause because I'm not taking care of making me happy, just everyone else. Times like these I can see how people can be so devoted to their religions, but I'm not religious so where does that leave me? It sure feels like the needle is stuck again. I need to stop creating drama, feeling sorry for myself and not taking charge of my own needs. What are my needs though? That feels like the hardest part of all of this. Is it daily yoga or running or some sort of exercise? Is it being hyper-strictly bordering on obsessively regimented with my health and nutrition? Is it making one piece of jewelry a day? Is it painting or drawing or doing photography every day? Is it writing every day, either my blog or in my journal or starting my book? Or maybe just curling up with my hubby on the couch for a little snuggle time each night. I've turned myself into a quasi ice queen and poor Tony is suffering.
My "homework" from my therapist this week was to think about where all my guilt comes from and why I don't think I'm good enough. Oh and then she wants to see me Monday so I don't even get a whole week to do my homework ;) Guilt...I dunno. I can speculate but don't think I will here, I think I'll keep that can of worms between my therapist and me. Not good enough...well that kinda follows the guilt thing. None of it too tragic but impactful all the same. My therapist impressed on me this wasn't a crisis but rather a flare up of old behavior, then after an extra long end-of-session hug she told me I would get through this, that I was strong. Then she said something to me that keeps ringing in my ears, she said "you are one of the strongest people I know." Wow.
My "homework" from my therapist this week was to think about where all my guilt comes from and why I don't think I'm good enough. Oh and then she wants to see me Monday so I don't even get a whole week to do my homework ;) Guilt...I dunno. I can speculate but don't think I will here, I think I'll keep that can of worms between my therapist and me. Not good enough...well that kinda follows the guilt thing. None of it too tragic but impactful all the same. My therapist impressed on me this wasn't a crisis but rather a flare up of old behavior, then after an extra long end-of-session hug she told me I would get through this, that I was strong. Then she said something to me that keeps ringing in my ears, she said "you are one of the strongest people I know." Wow.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Celebration of Life
I've always found the first day back from a vacation or mini-getaway to be challenging. It's like somehow life is different...or maybe it's that life is just the same as when I left it. But maybe *I'm* not the same. Add to that a drizzly, cold Monday to the mix and things are extra hard to jump back into. Now add to that coming home from the memorial of someone who was very important to you and who you really looked up to and now it's just impossible to get anything productive done. Back before I had kids, a day like today might have meant calling in sick, shuffling around the house quiet and in a daze, napping and lots of introspection. It may have taken me days to pull out of that place. However, the thing about kids is there's no time for any of that. Introspection and shuffling is still possible, but none of the other and that's probably a good thing for a person like me. Luckily my mom is here today hanging out with her beloved grand kids which is allowing me to have a bit of a break to process and regroup after this weekend.
The drive up to Paradise had its bumps, like Tony forgetting his wallet and realizing it after we'd already crossed the Bay Bridge so we had to turn around and go home for it. Talk about furious - me that is, although maybe him too after reading that I shared his memory lapse with the world! It got pretty heated in the car, from my seat, for the drive back home but then I took some deep breaths and told Tony that despite the fact that I was truly irritated about the wallet, the greater issue was that I didn't have a hold on my emotional state in anticipation of my aunt's memorial the next day. Big surprise...in that I was acting like a total bitch all morning, but not considering my loss. I've found in relationships - not just marriage - that as often as you think the other person should know exactly how you are feeling and therefore know exactly what you need that just isn't usually the case. And we always seem to get bent at the other person, in awe that they can't read our minds and don't have our personal instruction manual memorized so they can do exactly the right thing at the right time. So I had to lay it out for Tony, that I was hurting and freaking out and needed some extra love, support and understanding. It's a hard time for everyone involved.
Before too many miles passed I was feeling better and over the wallet snafu...maybe I was just distracted by the dissatisfaction of being in the car seat my daughter was now expressing at full volume. I wedged myself between the two car seats in the back seat, hoped for no sudden stops that would send me jettisoning out the car through the front windshield and paid some extra attention to Teagan trying to soothe her. We eventually pulled into the parking lot of the Sierra Nevada Brewery in Chico where we'd bought tickets for an Oktoberfest but then realized it was a strict 21+ event so had some half-baked plan to enjoy it in shifts while the other parent hung out with the kiddlings in the taproom restaurant. Yeah, exactly, didn't sound too fun. Lucky for us a couple friends were actually at the bar debating whether to buy tickets to the event so after telling them our sob story they bought them off us. So we enjoyed a family dinner & brews in the taproom restaurant, lamenting over the missed Oktoberfest but chocking it up to one of those parental sacrifices, and being ok with it. We checked into our hotel in Paradise around 9 and after a very frustrating face washing session (there was a friggin' kitchen sink faucet where the bathroom faucet should be, allowing only an inch of clearance from the flow of water to the edge of the sink!!) Tony & I each settled into our respective double beds with our respective child to sleep with.
Morning didn't come soon enough as I woke repeatedly from dreams I can't now recall and a living nightmare of Tyler rolling off his spot in bed with Tony and waking us all up crying. Poor guy. Thankfully he was ok, not like when he pulled the same stunt in a Hawaii hotel room last year and chipped his front tooth slightly! Makes me feel like we need to travel with bed railings! Anxious for a nice hot shower to wash away the bad night and prepare me for the emotional roller coaster the day would surely bring, my hopes were quickly dashed when I turned on the hot water and an abstract flow of fizz came out! The kind that is so thin, meaning there's so little water coming out I'd have never been able to wash my hair because it would take an hour just to get it all wet, then another to rinse the shampoo and another to rinse the conditioner. Then again, the water that was coming out had such force it practically stung. So bizarre. I didn't even turn on the cold water, I like my showers really hot and the water was definitely hot but there was so little of it. Maybe if I'd turned on the cold there would be more flow, but I settled for heat over quantity since I didn't have to wash my hair- thank god! I just stood there after washing my face & bod, arms folded in an X over my chest, hands in fists up under my chin, shoulders shrugged high, eyes closed, breathing deep and slow to relax my mind despite my tense body. I didn't want to get out even though it was truly the second worst shower I've ever had. I allowed myself a moment to recall THE worst shower ever...in a very cheap hotel in Rome which was the first stop with my best friend Dan on our little Euro trip of 1997. After stepping off the train from the airport, having no plans about where we were staying, we allowed a "Tourist Advisor" (who clearly worked for or was getting kick backs from the hotel we ended up at) to lead us to a place in our budget. Our budget was a joke as we had gotten the dirtiest dirt cheap airfare and could only make the trip happen on a shoestring given our ripe young ages of 22. The bathroom was down the hall and had to be shared with the other few rooms on the floor, although I don't recall seeing many other guests. The shower was like 2ft square, no kidding, with some rinky-dink plastic sliding doors that didn't actually slide since they were broken. There was some 1ft square hot water heated bolted to the wall above the shower and a pipe running down to the joke shower head that would hiss as it sprayed out water that felt like it was boiled on the sun...or maybe that was the hiss of my skin sizzling as the droplets of scalding hot water hit it. There was only boiling hot water or ice cold water, nothing in between, and regardless of the temp it only came out in that thin horrid spray. Cold water can burn too, esp. when the bathroom temp is below freezing also since it was January. I remember crying in the shower, trying to find peace with the water. There was no shelf to put your toiletries so you had to bend over to get them off the floor which you had to stand on in an awkward foot position as to avoid the nasty long hairs and curly hairs that were there when you stepped in but didn't have enough water pressure to wash away. Then of course you bumped your bum into the plastic door when you bent over which was cold and you swore would give you some sort of cootie from touching it. I remember hurrying back to our room wrapped in my towel, freezing and crying and warning Dan of the adventure awaiting him! Thankfully we only stayed there a few nights, although I wonder why we even stayed that long!
After getting coffee and a bagel with cream cheese to go at the little shop across from our hotel we headed up Skyway to the memorial location. As the narrow, windy road led us through the tall pines, I drank in the scenery that was like an old friend and imagined Nancy driving this road and loving the beauty and nature she lived in. There were memories for me every mile of the way, parks where my friends & I would hang out during lunch in high school, corner stores that were known to sell cigarettes to minors (I never smoked but some of my friends did), the 24hr cafe we would all hang out in after partying Friday or Saturday nights, the walking path I ran on to lose all my high school fat, etc. Of course those were just the high school memories and there were so many more since I'd been coming to Paradise since I was born to visit with my Uncle Chris & Aunt Nancy and their kids Matt & Julie. We turned down the rocky dirt road to Meadowbrook Ranch once we were north of town a ways, parked in the gravel lot and before we left the car I double checked that I had a new pack of tissues in the front pocket of the ergo carrier that I'd just loaded Teagan into. As we walked along the gravel path shaded by pines and surrounded by bushes of all sorts I could hear the faint sound of music and people's voices ahead, perhaps an Irish tune, very light and tinkly, the vibe emanating from both music and guests was of cheer. I walked slowly, enjoying the crunchy sound the gravel made under my feet, not in any rush to get to my destination, Tony & Tyler trailing behind me as Tyler drank in the nature so alien to him growing up in a concrete jungle. Suddenly at the end of the path ahead, not 40ft away, my cousin Matt appeared talking to someone who must have been an event worker. I wasn't sure if he saw me, I didn't wave, in fact I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face Tony &Tyler, sobbing and shaking suddenly. Tony either didn't know what to do for me or just didn't notice the frozen, scared, hurting state I was in. So without Tony rushing to hold and comfort me I got a grip quickly, turned back around and continued walking to the end of the path where tables were set up with food & flowers and people were mingling, hugging and catching up. A little girl I didn't recognize greeted us and pointed to a table for coffee and hot cocoa and another where we could sign a guestbook. Bypassing the hot liquids station we got in a short line of people waiting to sign the guestbook. There were also programs laid out on the same table, right at my fingertips now, announcing "Celebration of Life. Nancy Lynn Prestopino. December 13, 1943 - September 3, 2011." I picked one up and only half saw through the tears welling up and blurring my vision that old familiar infectious smile on Nancy's glowing face as she stood with the sun shining down on her scarf covered head, surrounded by gorgeous purple wisteria, her love of life absolutely beaming off the page. I heard a voice, my own, murmering "I can't do this" and shaking my head I walked into the field of wet, green grass where rows of chairs were set up, removed a tissue from my pocket and wiped away the tears streaking my face. I don't know if Tony signed the guest book, I never did, I had no idea what to say, there were no words, my signature was the absence of it. I'm sure Matt & Julie would understand.
I straightened myself up again just in time for another break of the dam, this time for Nancy's cousin Cathy, another non-blood relative of mine that shares a place in my heart and memories. We hugged a long time and then she put the long stem of a big, yellow-purple Dahlia in a utility loop of the ergo carrier on my left shoulder, her gestures and words of pleasure having perfectly adorned me with the flower reminding me so much of Nancy that the tears started all over again. Dahlias must have been my aunt's favorite flower, unless they were just what was in bloom and in abundance at the flower market that morning, for they were the event flower appearing everywhere and in every size and color. Even the port-a-potty was decorated with them - the little project Cathy was finishing up when I found her. Only at Nancy's memorial. Once the hundred or so of us were seated, the warm sun on our faces and the dew drying on the oak leaves, we heard the hauntingly beautiful sound of bagpipes as the solo bagpiper, dressed complete in a kilt, emerged moments after the sound of his pipes had begun in the distance, Amazing Grace bringing us all instantly to tears.
The next few hours flew by in a haze of tears, laughter, warmth, sorrow and resolve. Listening to Nancy's children tell the story of her life, some of which I knew and some I didn't, was like recalling a great movie. What a life! What a human being! Listening to guests recall stories of Nancy's antics, sense of humor, love of life and nature, grace and spirit were nothing short of 'wonderful' - a word Nancy used all the time. I can't even begin to recount all that I heard, learned and remembered from those few hours of the celebration of life. I cried a lot. Thankfully Teagan stayed asleep in the ergo carrier even though I stayed sitting down. Tony, dressed so handsomely in his suit, took care of watching out for Tyler who was running all over the field with the other kids his age - later we found out they all discovered the table full of chocolate and candy before any adult could stop them!! I did stand up at one point, to take a few moments at the podium myself. It wasn't planned at all but I was inspired and so shared a few of my own Nancy anecdotes. One of which was during an afternoon of play in front of the house in Paradise with us kids enjoying the big dirt pile which was there due to some construction. I may have been around 5, I'm guessing. I took my turn sliding down the dirt hill, only with a twist...face first...with my mouth open. I stood up at the bottom with a mouth full of dirt and a bit stunned. Nancy took one look at me and said "Wait! Don't move - I've gotta get my camera!" and so I waited, mouth full of dirt, for my Aunt Nancy to get her camera. She didn't take long and it's almost worth thanking her when you see the picture.
When the service concluded we all hung out a while amongst the trees and old friends. We ate and drank... some of us didn't eat but drank a lot ;) There was a line of photo boards hung for everyone's viewing delight, sneaking peaks into Nancy's life over the years. I spied myself, as well as my sister, mother and father, in several of them and smiled, pausing to take myself back to the moment of the snapshot, if I was able. I was entranced by many of the pictures of Nancy as a young woman, pictures I'd never seen before but now wanted to blow up, frame and hang in my home as a constant reminder of how one should live their life.
We ended up staying that night at Nancy's with Cathy and her husband, my cousin Matt and his wife and son. The house, as it was when Nancy lived there, has already begun being emptied and dismantled, a sucky task children are handed when a parent dies. I'm not sure what is to come of the house but hopefully it will remain in the family. I wish at times Tony & I could buy it and live there, raise our children in Paradise in the home most closely defining my own childhood home as any other...since there are no others. Alas, Tony and I are hard pressed enough to leave San Francisco for Marin, let alone all the way up to sleepy Paradise. It is wonderful to visit but my life just isn't there anymore. That evening there was a private reception at the house and I drank more, as did everyone. It was tough being there, I kept thinking I saw Nancy in the crowd, out of the corner of my eye, out the opposite door of the room I just entered. In a way she was and always will be. Sitting here now it's as if she's still up there at her house in Paradise...or perhaps just off on one of her many worldly adventures, hiking the Swiss Alps, kayaking some lake of the world, bicycling through France or Ireland, camping in Mt. Lassen, checking out wildlife in Alaska... I think that's just how I will imagine her now, not gone, but everywhere.
The drive up to Paradise had its bumps, like Tony forgetting his wallet and realizing it after we'd already crossed the Bay Bridge so we had to turn around and go home for it. Talk about furious - me that is, although maybe him too after reading that I shared his memory lapse with the world! It got pretty heated in the car, from my seat, for the drive back home but then I took some deep breaths and told Tony that despite the fact that I was truly irritated about the wallet, the greater issue was that I didn't have a hold on my emotional state in anticipation of my aunt's memorial the next day. Big surprise...in that I was acting like a total bitch all morning, but not considering my loss. I've found in relationships - not just marriage - that as often as you think the other person should know exactly how you are feeling and therefore know exactly what you need that just isn't usually the case. And we always seem to get bent at the other person, in awe that they can't read our minds and don't have our personal instruction manual memorized so they can do exactly the right thing at the right time. So I had to lay it out for Tony, that I was hurting and freaking out and needed some extra love, support and understanding. It's a hard time for everyone involved.
Before too many miles passed I was feeling better and over the wallet snafu...maybe I was just distracted by the dissatisfaction of being in the car seat my daughter was now expressing at full volume. I wedged myself between the two car seats in the back seat, hoped for no sudden stops that would send me jettisoning out the car through the front windshield and paid some extra attention to Teagan trying to soothe her. We eventually pulled into the parking lot of the Sierra Nevada Brewery in Chico where we'd bought tickets for an Oktoberfest but then realized it was a strict 21+ event so had some half-baked plan to enjoy it in shifts while the other parent hung out with the kiddlings in the taproom restaurant. Yeah, exactly, didn't sound too fun. Lucky for us a couple friends were actually at the bar debating whether to buy tickets to the event so after telling them our sob story they bought them off us. So we enjoyed a family dinner & brews in the taproom restaurant, lamenting over the missed Oktoberfest but chocking it up to one of those parental sacrifices, and being ok with it. We checked into our hotel in Paradise around 9 and after a very frustrating face washing session (there was a friggin' kitchen sink faucet where the bathroom faucet should be, allowing only an inch of clearance from the flow of water to the edge of the sink!!) Tony & I each settled into our respective double beds with our respective child to sleep with.
Morning didn't come soon enough as I woke repeatedly from dreams I can't now recall and a living nightmare of Tyler rolling off his spot in bed with Tony and waking us all up crying. Poor guy. Thankfully he was ok, not like when he pulled the same stunt in a Hawaii hotel room last year and chipped his front tooth slightly! Makes me feel like we need to travel with bed railings! Anxious for a nice hot shower to wash away the bad night and prepare me for the emotional roller coaster the day would surely bring, my hopes were quickly dashed when I turned on the hot water and an abstract flow of fizz came out! The kind that is so thin, meaning there's so little water coming out I'd have never been able to wash my hair because it would take an hour just to get it all wet, then another to rinse the shampoo and another to rinse the conditioner. Then again, the water that was coming out had such force it practically stung. So bizarre. I didn't even turn on the cold water, I like my showers really hot and the water was definitely hot but there was so little of it. Maybe if I'd turned on the cold there would be more flow, but I settled for heat over quantity since I didn't have to wash my hair- thank god! I just stood there after washing my face & bod, arms folded in an X over my chest, hands in fists up under my chin, shoulders shrugged high, eyes closed, breathing deep and slow to relax my mind despite my tense body. I didn't want to get out even though it was truly the second worst shower I've ever had. I allowed myself a moment to recall THE worst shower ever...in a very cheap hotel in Rome which was the first stop with my best friend Dan on our little Euro trip of 1997. After stepping off the train from the airport, having no plans about where we were staying, we allowed a "Tourist Advisor" (who clearly worked for or was getting kick backs from the hotel we ended up at) to lead us to a place in our budget. Our budget was a joke as we had gotten the dirtiest dirt cheap airfare and could only make the trip happen on a shoestring given our ripe young ages of 22. The bathroom was down the hall and had to be shared with the other few rooms on the floor, although I don't recall seeing many other guests. The shower was like 2ft square, no kidding, with some rinky-dink plastic sliding doors that didn't actually slide since they were broken. There was some 1ft square hot water heated bolted to the wall above the shower and a pipe running down to the joke shower head that would hiss as it sprayed out water that felt like it was boiled on the sun...or maybe that was the hiss of my skin sizzling as the droplets of scalding hot water hit it. There was only boiling hot water or ice cold water, nothing in between, and regardless of the temp it only came out in that thin horrid spray. Cold water can burn too, esp. when the bathroom temp is below freezing also since it was January. I remember crying in the shower, trying to find peace with the water. There was no shelf to put your toiletries so you had to bend over to get them off the floor which you had to stand on in an awkward foot position as to avoid the nasty long hairs and curly hairs that were there when you stepped in but didn't have enough water pressure to wash away. Then of course you bumped your bum into the plastic door when you bent over which was cold and you swore would give you some sort of cootie from touching it. I remember hurrying back to our room wrapped in my towel, freezing and crying and warning Dan of the adventure awaiting him! Thankfully we only stayed there a few nights, although I wonder why we even stayed that long!
After getting coffee and a bagel with cream cheese to go at the little shop across from our hotel we headed up Skyway to the memorial location. As the narrow, windy road led us through the tall pines, I drank in the scenery that was like an old friend and imagined Nancy driving this road and loving the beauty and nature she lived in. There were memories for me every mile of the way, parks where my friends & I would hang out during lunch in high school, corner stores that were known to sell cigarettes to minors (I never smoked but some of my friends did), the 24hr cafe we would all hang out in after partying Friday or Saturday nights, the walking path I ran on to lose all my high school fat, etc. Of course those were just the high school memories and there were so many more since I'd been coming to Paradise since I was born to visit with my Uncle Chris & Aunt Nancy and their kids Matt & Julie. We turned down the rocky dirt road to Meadowbrook Ranch once we were north of town a ways, parked in the gravel lot and before we left the car I double checked that I had a new pack of tissues in the front pocket of the ergo carrier that I'd just loaded Teagan into. As we walked along the gravel path shaded by pines and surrounded by bushes of all sorts I could hear the faint sound of music and people's voices ahead, perhaps an Irish tune, very light and tinkly, the vibe emanating from both music and guests was of cheer. I walked slowly, enjoying the crunchy sound the gravel made under my feet, not in any rush to get to my destination, Tony & Tyler trailing behind me as Tyler drank in the nature so alien to him growing up in a concrete jungle. Suddenly at the end of the path ahead, not 40ft away, my cousin Matt appeared talking to someone who must have been an event worker. I wasn't sure if he saw me, I didn't wave, in fact I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face Tony &Tyler, sobbing and shaking suddenly. Tony either didn't know what to do for me or just didn't notice the frozen, scared, hurting state I was in. So without Tony rushing to hold and comfort me I got a grip quickly, turned back around and continued walking to the end of the path where tables were set up with food & flowers and people were mingling, hugging and catching up. A little girl I didn't recognize greeted us and pointed to a table for coffee and hot cocoa and another where we could sign a guestbook. Bypassing the hot liquids station we got in a short line of people waiting to sign the guestbook. There were also programs laid out on the same table, right at my fingertips now, announcing "Celebration of Life. Nancy Lynn Prestopino. December 13, 1943 - September 3, 2011." I picked one up and only half saw through the tears welling up and blurring my vision that old familiar infectious smile on Nancy's glowing face as she stood with the sun shining down on her scarf covered head, surrounded by gorgeous purple wisteria, her love of life absolutely beaming off the page. I heard a voice, my own, murmering "I can't do this" and shaking my head I walked into the field of wet, green grass where rows of chairs were set up, removed a tissue from my pocket and wiped away the tears streaking my face. I don't know if Tony signed the guest book, I never did, I had no idea what to say, there were no words, my signature was the absence of it. I'm sure Matt & Julie would understand.
I straightened myself up again just in time for another break of the dam, this time for Nancy's cousin Cathy, another non-blood relative of mine that shares a place in my heart and memories. We hugged a long time and then she put the long stem of a big, yellow-purple Dahlia in a utility loop of the ergo carrier on my left shoulder, her gestures and words of pleasure having perfectly adorned me with the flower reminding me so much of Nancy that the tears started all over again. Dahlias must have been my aunt's favorite flower, unless they were just what was in bloom and in abundance at the flower market that morning, for they were the event flower appearing everywhere and in every size and color. Even the port-a-potty was decorated with them - the little project Cathy was finishing up when I found her. Only at Nancy's memorial. Once the hundred or so of us were seated, the warm sun on our faces and the dew drying on the oak leaves, we heard the hauntingly beautiful sound of bagpipes as the solo bagpiper, dressed complete in a kilt, emerged moments after the sound of his pipes had begun in the distance, Amazing Grace bringing us all instantly to tears.
The next few hours flew by in a haze of tears, laughter, warmth, sorrow and resolve. Listening to Nancy's children tell the story of her life, some of which I knew and some I didn't, was like recalling a great movie. What a life! What a human being! Listening to guests recall stories of Nancy's antics, sense of humor, love of life and nature, grace and spirit were nothing short of 'wonderful' - a word Nancy used all the time. I can't even begin to recount all that I heard, learned and remembered from those few hours of the celebration of life. I cried a lot. Thankfully Teagan stayed asleep in the ergo carrier even though I stayed sitting down. Tony, dressed so handsomely in his suit, took care of watching out for Tyler who was running all over the field with the other kids his age - later we found out they all discovered the table full of chocolate and candy before any adult could stop them!! I did stand up at one point, to take a few moments at the podium myself. It wasn't planned at all but I was inspired and so shared a few of my own Nancy anecdotes. One of which was during an afternoon of play in front of the house in Paradise with us kids enjoying the big dirt pile which was there due to some construction. I may have been around 5, I'm guessing. I took my turn sliding down the dirt hill, only with a twist...face first...with my mouth open. I stood up at the bottom with a mouth full of dirt and a bit stunned. Nancy took one look at me and said "Wait! Don't move - I've gotta get my camera!" and so I waited, mouth full of dirt, for my Aunt Nancy to get her camera. She didn't take long and it's almost worth thanking her when you see the picture.
When the service concluded we all hung out a while amongst the trees and old friends. We ate and drank... some of us didn't eat but drank a lot ;) There was a line of photo boards hung for everyone's viewing delight, sneaking peaks into Nancy's life over the years. I spied myself, as well as my sister, mother and father, in several of them and smiled, pausing to take myself back to the moment of the snapshot, if I was able. I was entranced by many of the pictures of Nancy as a young woman, pictures I'd never seen before but now wanted to blow up, frame and hang in my home as a constant reminder of how one should live their life.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
relampago
relámpago [ray-lahm’-pah-go]
noun
1. Flash of lightning, meteor. (m)
2. Anything passing as suddenly as a flash of lightning. (m)
3. Thought or idea flashing upon the mind; ingenious witticism. (m)
4. Blemish in the eyes of horses. (m)
i don't have a serious, related topic for the above spanish word translated to english meaning, but it was on the matchbook that i used to light the fall colored/scented candles in the house this evening and i thought it would be fun to use in my blog. the image on the matchbook is of a german sheppard. other than the fact that we were in Mexico two weeks ago (blog STILL in process...or maybe stalled forever!) i have no idea how this piece made it to my desk. i know i didn't pick it up, maybe tony did. i used to collect matches, i suppose i could add it to my collection...although first i'd have to find my collection. geez, i know i've got a bunch of stuff down at my dad's in his little side storage area at his house. in fact, i need to go down there soon and retrieve the boxes of my journals. if they burn or are otherwise destroyed by water damage or animal...damage...i'd rather it be on my time and my property. i'm sure my dad would be plenty happy to have his eldest daughter empty out all the crap she's got stored at his place!! and my husband not so happy to adopt all the crap i can't see fit to get rid of! hahaha! but then, he shouldn't be too worried considering my mental state these days which is that of "out with the old, in with the new" and there's not really any 'new' so much is there is 'old'.
i was talking last blog about Halloween and not being really into it, then an interesting and very unexpected thing happened. it rained. anyone who knows me knows i LOVE the rain, love the overcast day, love the clouds and the cool but esp love the rain. well, we had our first good rain of the season the last few days, starting during my last blog which is when i was battling a downward spiral and then again last night. i was up watching "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock from Netflix (my piece of shit dvd player crapped out on me in the last 30 minutes of the movie so i have no idea how it ended!!!) after putting the kiddlings to bed and texting tony who was in LA at the Jane's Addiction concert. that's when i heard it, the raindrops on the awning of our back porch, the sound of wet street as tires drove passed our house. these used to be sounds that calmed me, put a smile on my face, eased tension, etc. suddenly it was as if there was a serial killer outside my house, peaking in the windows, tapping on the door. yes, i was just about that scared, but of course in a different way. i didn't fear for my life at the moment, i just feared for my life in the sense of my mental state. i was being flooded with images of years passed, memories of rainy nights in paradise, rainy days in san francisco when i lived on bush street downtown. they all had one thing in common, they were times when i wasn't doing so well. the funny thing is that the rain used to bring me solace. i was wrapped warm in a blanket from the sound of the rain on the roof, my troubles washed clear, or at least salved, by the smell of the rain on the ground & in the trees. but suddenly now it was the opposite. i wanted to run and hide from it, pull the covers over my head in bed to drown out the noise. i tried to get a grip, acknowledged it was *only rain* and not all the negative memories flooding back on me. funny how that is, that what used to represent such comfort would now represent fear. it wasn't too hard to decipher what was going on. i've always loved rain but in times of turmoil it stood for an extra distraction. now i realize it was just that, a distraction from whatever issues i was going through, and there was always something. not that i'm a black cloud person - the people i give that name i feel are always ridden with bad luck and drama, and sadly they usually bring it upon themselves. no this is just my chemical imbalance combined with lack of ideal life choices or just life's bumpy road realities. so the rain was something to rejoice in, it gave my cloudy day a feathery, sparkly head piece. i'm not a big sun person because my skin is so fair and i can't tolerate the heat so i like clouds, cool and rain. plus the sun is just too friggin...sunny and happy!
so it was the rain and it is also October and the season and holiday. it's just like the R.E.M. song says "another prop, to occupy my time, this one goes out to the one i love." it was all just props, the rain, fall, the leaves, the cold, Halloween, the holidays upon us, etc. etc. etc. all just distracting the disappointments i had in life. but now suddenly that i've slayed all my demons and life is good the very things that used to make me feel better were suddenly doing the opposite. i have an absolute fear of opening up the Halloween boxes in the garage. this time last year my house was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff, fall colors & leaves, etc. now i just want it to stay the way it is. ok, i take that back, i actually bought a few pumpkins at safeway yesterday and i bought a little trio of Halloween metal tea light deco holders (a pumpkin, a frankenstein & a RIP headstone) from target for $2 that i put out. and i'm happy with just that. i'm sure tony is more than happy with JUST that, he's gotta be elated considering all the Halloween stuff i have. seems i used to use all that stuff to cover up what was wrong, try to surround myself with all this stuff i "loved" to distract me but now there's nothing to distract. so the distraction has become the enemy. what a crazy world! the sound that normally soothed me suddenly drove me into bed pulling the covers over my ears. so "perfect" that i was solo i the house & feeling so solitary. we're all born into this world alone and we die alone and in between we like to think we share our lives, and to some extend we do, but really we are always alone.
i put in a call to my therapist for an emergency appointment today as i rcvd text updates from tony at LAX about flights he was able to jump on but then delayed due to rain - so ironic!! after skyping with my sister and sharing with her my crisis and then hearing her take on it, which was what i'd thought as well, i found it less critical to see my therapist and therefore easier to get through the day. and here i am 24 hours later feeling a lot better - although the rain has stopped so it's easier to manage the stress it was causing without its presence. now wearing pink papaya enzyme mask to detoxify skin and reveal radiant glowing face after texting with bestie who is facial beautifying herself at home right now also as her 2 1/2 yr old and hubby are in dream land just as my clan are. gotta stay on top of our regime. men just don't get it, they don't have to, and they'd actually probably love us even if we didn't care either. but the truth is we do so we take the extra measures to stay looking hot, young, supple, happy and queen-like as we rule our castles. that way we know our kings, our servants, our children will all still look to us in awe of all we do, all we accomplish, and with beauty and grace. but little do they even know what we really do, what we really go through. such a facade. if only the roles could be reversed for a year, oh how the men would look at us differently. some of us are lucky, i feel i'm appreciated, respected, honored and adored for who and what i am, to this world and to my family. although there are days when it sure doesn't feel like it!! alas, still, our internal struggles reign. i don't look as good as i'd like to look (i.e. i haven't lost the baby weight) and these damned kids keep changing on me, just when i master the phase they're in and i look like the poster mom of having it under control they go and change it on me!!! fuckers! it's like, just because i have a "new baby" doesn't mean my current toddler isn't "new" also!! everyday is something new! this is the hardest job i've ever had...and it's also the most rewarding job. but boy oh boy, no amount of on-the-job-training or reading up or anything that prepares you!
so my mom was here for a little over 24 hours this weekend...just as she arrived we discovered tyler fast asleep in the living room standing up, laying his head on his arms on the ottoman. too funny. although not funny at all once he woke up...bawling! and that wasn't something that gramma coco was going to be able to soothe as long as i was around. so i found myself on the couch cradling tyler who kept up a gurgling sob for a lot longer than i expected as my mom read some books aloud on the other side of the couch trying to coax him out of his state. i found myself feeling irritated as i looked at the clock and imagining the nail salon not staying open past 5 o'clock and my hopes of a much needed pedicure being dashed. then i realized how silly i was being, as the comfort i was giving my son so outweighed the need for a pedicure. alas i was relieved, sad to say, when tyler was happy to transfer over to coco's lap for the book and i could jam out for my bit of beautifying relaxation. there was no one in the salon when i arrived and i was afraid they were about to close and i'd be their last customer so i hoped they wouldn't rush through my service. but as i sat in one of their brand spanking new massage chairs (!!!) as the lady worked on my feet, all the other chairs filled up! the first of which by my neighbor's girlfriend with her tight booty, who they sat just to my left. we said friendly hi's to each other and then nothing. i wondered as i sat there if i should say something and what or if she would and what and if she was thinking the same thing but neither of us ever said anything!! i gave myself mini headaches facing forward but glancing as far to the left as my eyes would go to check out her feet, noticing she doesn't shave them and that she has really long toes. did she check out mine? i had a dark teal polish on before and now that the polish was off my nails were looking rather deathly and gross, did she think i had some kind of fungus? was she even looking? i looked down at my momma belly-roll jiggling & shaking as the massage chair worked on my back muscles. i eyed the lady who had been there when i walked in who was letting her pedi dry, noticing her taught thin body but who was fussing far too much with her long, dark mane...finger comb to the left, to the right, tuck behind the ears, untuck, tousle, back to the left...it gave me some solace knowing she must be as self-conscious as me or just have some nervous affliction with her hair. i left with the perfect fall pedicure color, a solid brown fairly matte but with a copper undertone that let through a shine & pop that gave a "come snuggle with me by the fire" kinda look which was both sexy and smart.
the next day i took the opportunity to run some errands alone since my mom was still there as tony was still on his motorcycle trip. i can't even explain the elation i felt as i stepped out of my vehicle in the parking lot and walked toward the store with no children in tow, on my person or otherwise in my care! it was like i was a free woman and i practically did a hop-skip-heel-click-in-the-air dance as i made my way into Carter's... but of course my errands weren't about me, nothing is anymore! as i shopped for exchanges & drooled over all the adorable girl stuff a woman walked by me with a newborn in her arms, couldn't have been over 1 month old and i just stopped and stared...my eyebrows raised in that "awe" expression, my jaw hanging open. what a precious, tiny little baby! wait, what the fuck was going on? is it possible to have baby fever, baby envy, when you still have a little baby at home yourself?! all the clothes i looked at i would pick up in the newborn size and "awe" at audibly as if i didn't even have my own little baby at home. i just couldn't believe my second was now bigger than that. is it too soon to start trying for a third????!!!! somebody slap me!
my solo adventure continued into target where i repeatedly said to myself, out loud, "you've gotta get out of here!" as i loaded up my basket with affordable new fall clothes that fit into my new image of chic post-depressive-freak Tiffany. i even found a pair of Missoni for Target pumps for $39 which i swear i worshipped for their look and not just their label...but come on, Missoni?! and they went so perfectly with my new fall look!! ok now where am i going to wear them?... i'm sure i'll figure that out. i tried to maintain my composure at the check- out as my goods were rung up. i decided to have everything separated - one total for kids stuff, one total for my stuff and one total for household stuff. that way i could easily say to tony what i spent on what. first swipe of the new debit card tony gave me went smooth as was for the kids stuff, then came the household stuff which was around $20 and the little machine gave me a rejection notice :( ok, that's fine, tony is only loading it a small sum at a time and once i spend that it's gone until he refills it. so i whip out my credit card for that ring and then when the ring for MY stuff comes along i hand over some cash from birthday presents earlier this year as well as a smidge on the credit card and suddenly i'm feeling totally like a Target customer. OMG how far have i fallen?! i held my head high, grabbed my bags and walked out. fuck it, i know i haven't really fallen, but why does it feel like it? ugh. as i climbed into my BMW X3 i just had to utter, whatever, to myself.
i finally finished and mailed out Teagan's birth announcements. Geezuz, finally! i hope people receive them and feel the love with which i made them. it struck me as i was finishing them that maybe some people might think we couldn't afford to do "professional" announcements. as i was up late glueing the other night tony said "wow, maybe we really should have just ordered professional announcements" but the truth is i really enjoyed doing them and really wanted them to have a homemade look and feel. i felt so proud of my little girl as i put all the completed envelopes in the mailbox. it wasn't about me, it was about her.
it's so late and i need to go to bed. i can't even imagine how my friend with a 4 month old who eats every 2 hours around the clock is still functioning!! last night was a nightmare with tyler waking up and crying out for me every few hours and teagan not sleeping well at all herself, and of course tony wasn't home. today i've been exhausted...altho tony came home in the afternoon and i was able to take a wonderful nap and here i am now staying up late catching up on my blog. i'll probably pay for it tomorrow. such a friggin' repetitious circle. not that i would change it for the world.
noun
1. Flash of lightning, meteor. (m)
2. Anything passing as suddenly as a flash of lightning. (m)
3. Thought or idea flashing upon the mind; ingenious witticism. (m)
4. Blemish in the eyes of horses. (m)
i don't have a serious, related topic for the above spanish word translated to english meaning, but it was on the matchbook that i used to light the fall colored/scented candles in the house this evening and i thought it would be fun to use in my blog. the image on the matchbook is of a german sheppard. other than the fact that we were in Mexico two weeks ago (blog STILL in process...or maybe stalled forever!) i have no idea how this piece made it to my desk. i know i didn't pick it up, maybe tony did. i used to collect matches, i suppose i could add it to my collection...although first i'd have to find my collection. geez, i know i've got a bunch of stuff down at my dad's in his little side storage area at his house. in fact, i need to go down there soon and retrieve the boxes of my journals. if they burn or are otherwise destroyed by water damage or animal...damage...i'd rather it be on my time and my property. i'm sure my dad would be plenty happy to have his eldest daughter empty out all the crap she's got stored at his place!! and my husband not so happy to adopt all the crap i can't see fit to get rid of! hahaha! but then, he shouldn't be too worried considering my mental state these days which is that of "out with the old, in with the new" and there's not really any 'new' so much is there is 'old'.
i was talking last blog about Halloween and not being really into it, then an interesting and very unexpected thing happened. it rained. anyone who knows me knows i LOVE the rain, love the overcast day, love the clouds and the cool but esp love the rain. well, we had our first good rain of the season the last few days, starting during my last blog which is when i was battling a downward spiral and then again last night. i was up watching "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock from Netflix (my piece of shit dvd player crapped out on me in the last 30 minutes of the movie so i have no idea how it ended!!!) after putting the kiddlings to bed and texting tony who was in LA at the Jane's Addiction concert. that's when i heard it, the raindrops on the awning of our back porch, the sound of wet street as tires drove passed our house. these used to be sounds that calmed me, put a smile on my face, eased tension, etc. suddenly it was as if there was a serial killer outside my house, peaking in the windows, tapping on the door. yes, i was just about that scared, but of course in a different way. i didn't fear for my life at the moment, i just feared for my life in the sense of my mental state. i was being flooded with images of years passed, memories of rainy nights in paradise, rainy days in san francisco when i lived on bush street downtown. they all had one thing in common, they were times when i wasn't doing so well. the funny thing is that the rain used to bring me solace. i was wrapped warm in a blanket from the sound of the rain on the roof, my troubles washed clear, or at least salved, by the smell of the rain on the ground & in the trees. but suddenly now it was the opposite. i wanted to run and hide from it, pull the covers over my head in bed to drown out the noise. i tried to get a grip, acknowledged it was *only rain* and not all the negative memories flooding back on me. funny how that is, that what used to represent such comfort would now represent fear. it wasn't too hard to decipher what was going on. i've always loved rain but in times of turmoil it stood for an extra distraction. now i realize it was just that, a distraction from whatever issues i was going through, and there was always something. not that i'm a black cloud person - the people i give that name i feel are always ridden with bad luck and drama, and sadly they usually bring it upon themselves. no this is just my chemical imbalance combined with lack of ideal life choices or just life's bumpy road realities. so the rain was something to rejoice in, it gave my cloudy day a feathery, sparkly head piece. i'm not a big sun person because my skin is so fair and i can't tolerate the heat so i like clouds, cool and rain. plus the sun is just too friggin...sunny and happy!
so it was the rain and it is also October and the season and holiday. it's just like the R.E.M. song says "another prop, to occupy my time, this one goes out to the one i love." it was all just props, the rain, fall, the leaves, the cold, Halloween, the holidays upon us, etc. etc. etc. all just distracting the disappointments i had in life. but now suddenly that i've slayed all my demons and life is good the very things that used to make me feel better were suddenly doing the opposite. i have an absolute fear of opening up the Halloween boxes in the garage. this time last year my house was decorated to the hilt with Halloween stuff, fall colors & leaves, etc. now i just want it to stay the way it is. ok, i take that back, i actually bought a few pumpkins at safeway yesterday and i bought a little trio of Halloween metal tea light deco holders (a pumpkin, a frankenstein & a RIP headstone) from target for $2 that i put out. and i'm happy with just that. i'm sure tony is more than happy with JUST that, he's gotta be elated considering all the Halloween stuff i have. seems i used to use all that stuff to cover up what was wrong, try to surround myself with all this stuff i "loved" to distract me but now there's nothing to distract. so the distraction has become the enemy. what a crazy world! the sound that normally soothed me suddenly drove me into bed pulling the covers over my ears. so "perfect" that i was solo i the house & feeling so solitary. we're all born into this world alone and we die alone and in between we like to think we share our lives, and to some extend we do, but really we are always alone.
i put in a call to my therapist for an emergency appointment today as i rcvd text updates from tony at LAX about flights he was able to jump on but then delayed due to rain - so ironic!! after skyping with my sister and sharing with her my crisis and then hearing her take on it, which was what i'd thought as well, i found it less critical to see my therapist and therefore easier to get through the day. and here i am 24 hours later feeling a lot better - although the rain has stopped so it's easier to manage the stress it was causing without its presence. now wearing pink papaya enzyme mask to detoxify skin and reveal radiant glowing face after texting with bestie who is facial beautifying herself at home right now also as her 2 1/2 yr old and hubby are in dream land just as my clan are. gotta stay on top of our regime. men just don't get it, they don't have to, and they'd actually probably love us even if we didn't care either. but the truth is we do so we take the extra measures to stay looking hot, young, supple, happy and queen-like as we rule our castles. that way we know our kings, our servants, our children will all still look to us in awe of all we do, all we accomplish, and with beauty and grace. but little do they even know what we really do, what we really go through. such a facade. if only the roles could be reversed for a year, oh how the men would look at us differently. some of us are lucky, i feel i'm appreciated, respected, honored and adored for who and what i am, to this world and to my family. although there are days when it sure doesn't feel like it!! alas, still, our internal struggles reign. i don't look as good as i'd like to look (i.e. i haven't lost the baby weight) and these damned kids keep changing on me, just when i master the phase they're in and i look like the poster mom of having it under control they go and change it on me!!! fuckers! it's like, just because i have a "new baby" doesn't mean my current toddler isn't "new" also!! everyday is something new! this is the hardest job i've ever had...and it's also the most rewarding job. but boy oh boy, no amount of on-the-job-training or reading up or anything that prepares you!
so my mom was here for a little over 24 hours this weekend...just as she arrived we discovered tyler fast asleep in the living room standing up, laying his head on his arms on the ottoman. too funny. although not funny at all once he woke up...bawling! and that wasn't something that gramma coco was going to be able to soothe as long as i was around. so i found myself on the couch cradling tyler who kept up a gurgling sob for a lot longer than i expected as my mom read some books aloud on the other side of the couch trying to coax him out of his state. i found myself feeling irritated as i looked at the clock and imagining the nail salon not staying open past 5 o'clock and my hopes of a much needed pedicure being dashed. then i realized how silly i was being, as the comfort i was giving my son so outweighed the need for a pedicure. alas i was relieved, sad to say, when tyler was happy to transfer over to coco's lap for the book and i could jam out for my bit of beautifying relaxation. there was no one in the salon when i arrived and i was afraid they were about to close and i'd be their last customer so i hoped they wouldn't rush through my service. but as i sat in one of their brand spanking new massage chairs (!!!) as the lady worked on my feet, all the other chairs filled up! the first of which by my neighbor's girlfriend with her tight booty, who they sat just to my left. we said friendly hi's to each other and then nothing. i wondered as i sat there if i should say something and what or if she would and what and if she was thinking the same thing but neither of us ever said anything!! i gave myself mini headaches facing forward but glancing as far to the left as my eyes would go to check out her feet, noticing she doesn't shave them and that she has really long toes. did she check out mine? i had a dark teal polish on before and now that the polish was off my nails were looking rather deathly and gross, did she think i had some kind of fungus? was she even looking? i looked down at my momma belly-roll jiggling & shaking as the massage chair worked on my back muscles. i eyed the lady who had been there when i walked in who was letting her pedi dry, noticing her taught thin body but who was fussing far too much with her long, dark mane...finger comb to the left, to the right, tuck behind the ears, untuck, tousle, back to the left...it gave me some solace knowing she must be as self-conscious as me or just have some nervous affliction with her hair. i left with the perfect fall pedicure color, a solid brown fairly matte but with a copper undertone that let through a shine & pop that gave a "come snuggle with me by the fire" kinda look which was both sexy and smart.
the next day i took the opportunity to run some errands alone since my mom was still there as tony was still on his motorcycle trip. i can't even explain the elation i felt as i stepped out of my vehicle in the parking lot and walked toward the store with no children in tow, on my person or otherwise in my care! it was like i was a free woman and i practically did a hop-skip-heel-click-in-the-air dance as i made my way into Carter's... but of course my errands weren't about me, nothing is anymore! as i shopped for exchanges & drooled over all the adorable girl stuff a woman walked by me with a newborn in her arms, couldn't have been over 1 month old and i just stopped and stared...my eyebrows raised in that "awe" expression, my jaw hanging open. what a precious, tiny little baby! wait, what the fuck was going on? is it possible to have baby fever, baby envy, when you still have a little baby at home yourself?! all the clothes i looked at i would pick up in the newborn size and "awe" at audibly as if i didn't even have my own little baby at home. i just couldn't believe my second was now bigger than that. is it too soon to start trying for a third????!!!! somebody slap me!
my solo adventure continued into target where i repeatedly said to myself, out loud, "you've gotta get out of here!" as i loaded up my basket with affordable new fall clothes that fit into my new image of chic post-depressive-freak Tiffany. i even found a pair of Missoni for Target pumps for $39 which i swear i worshipped for their look and not just their label...but come on, Missoni?! and they went so perfectly with my new fall look!! ok now where am i going to wear them?... i'm sure i'll figure that out. i tried to maintain my composure at the check- out as my goods were rung up. i decided to have everything separated - one total for kids stuff, one total for my stuff and one total for household stuff. that way i could easily say to tony what i spent on what. first swipe of the new debit card tony gave me went smooth as was for the kids stuff, then came the household stuff which was around $20 and the little machine gave me a rejection notice :( ok, that's fine, tony is only loading it a small sum at a time and once i spend that it's gone until he refills it. so i whip out my credit card for that ring and then when the ring for MY stuff comes along i hand over some cash from birthday presents earlier this year as well as a smidge on the credit card and suddenly i'm feeling totally like a Target customer. OMG how far have i fallen?! i held my head high, grabbed my bags and walked out. fuck it, i know i haven't really fallen, but why does it feel like it? ugh. as i climbed into my BMW X3 i just had to utter, whatever, to myself.
i finally finished and mailed out Teagan's birth announcements. Geezuz, finally! i hope people receive them and feel the love with which i made them. it struck me as i was finishing them that maybe some people might think we couldn't afford to do "professional" announcements. as i was up late glueing the other night tony said "wow, maybe we really should have just ordered professional announcements" but the truth is i really enjoyed doing them and really wanted them to have a homemade look and feel. i felt so proud of my little girl as i put all the completed envelopes in the mailbox. it wasn't about me, it was about her.
it's so late and i need to go to bed. i can't even imagine how my friend with a 4 month old who eats every 2 hours around the clock is still functioning!! last night was a nightmare with tyler waking up and crying out for me every few hours and teagan not sleeping well at all herself, and of course tony wasn't home. today i've been exhausted...altho tony came home in the afternoon and i was able to take a wonderful nap and here i am now staying up late catching up on my blog. i'll probably pay for it tomorrow. such a friggin' repetitious circle. not that i would change it for the world.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
funny
funny how and when my black cloud wins the struggle and takes me over. these days i've been triumphing over the battle more often than not but it is still never that far from me. it acts more like a shadow now that i've slayed so many of my demons in therapy. today started out sunny and my shadow was well behind me but now that the afternoon has come, and the meteorologists are even predicting rain, it has turned overcast, literally & figuratively. what on earth was the trigger? i had some friends over for brunch and it was great to catch up and watch our little ones play. even after they left i was ok but it went downhill fast, like a mudslide.
if we'd been drinking mimosas maybe it would be more understandable - i never feel quite right in the afternoon after drinking champagne in the morning. but no. tyler instantly started bugging me. he wouldn't eat the broccoli quiche i made for brunch with the ulterior motive that i would get some of the veggie into him. in his defense it didn't turn out that great. maybe that's why i don't feel well, i haven't been eating much dairy in my quest to be vegan these days but i decided to partake this morning in the quiche. hmmm. then he pulled the dirty sheets out of the clothes hamper and started dragging them through the house. i demanded he put them back but he didn't and then i figured, well they're dirty anyway and he seems to be enjoying himself. then miz teagan was doing her "i wanna breastfeed, no i don't, yes i do, no i don't" game where she acts hungry, i whip out the boob, she diddles with it then takes a few pulls then pops off and acts like she can't find it again when it's right in front of her mouth, then repeat, over and over. man is it ever frustrating.
i finally settled her down in my arms, swaddled up like a little tamale, and there she snoozed as i perused facebook. maybe that was what did it. looking at pictures people had posted, feeling the angst rise inside me that i thought was gone, leaning in to scrutinize the photos sure i was seeing one of the reasons for the angst, then leaning back and wondering why i even give a shit. closing down my laptop to put teagan down in her bassinet upstairs the angst lingers. oh damn, i forgot to take my happy pills this morning, could that be why i'm feeling all debbie-downer? not likely.
maybe i'm just tired. tony has been away since thursday night after all. had a great night with an amazing friend over drinks into the wee hours after putting the kids down, but was so tired and yucky feeling the next day which is when this mood dip started i think. had to haul both kids to kaiser for back to back appointments. thank god, buddah, madonna or whoever i have such well behaved children, well tyler anyway - he wanted to bring some trains with him and was having trouble carrying the lot he picked so i got a little bag for him to carry them in...a blue Tiffany's bag! loved the reactions i got from people for that! he just played trains on the floor of the exam room as the dermatologist checked out all my moles. another holla out to whoever for a good mole report, even that one i deemed scary and melanoma for sure that i just discovered on the side of my left boob. nope, all good. BIG relief! then over to see my therapist where i almost had nothing to say...and that sucked. also i actually think i'm turning my joke into a prophecy and starting to develop a crush. but maybe it's just feeling grateful for all she's done to help me and for really liking who she is and feeling sad about not talking to her anymore. not that therapy is over, she assured me it's a gradual stopping process. she said i was doing great but did insist i get back into yoga, saying she saw the difference in me when i was doing it and can see it now that i'm not. she also forbade me from going to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival that afternoon which i told her i was thinking of doing, packing up the stroller and some food, laying out a blanket and enjoying the music with the kids. but that was the joke, it wouldn't have been enjoyable at all...maybe. after telling her of the stressful weekend before in mexico (blog still in the process - maybe i'm just trying to forget about it and that's why i can't finish writing it!) and of the big day ahead saturday with back to back 3 year old's birthday parties she thought i was on crack for even considering going to the festival. yeah, i'm good for that, cracked out ideas that is. i wanted to see Chris Isaak, who i've never seen before, but ultimately i didn't go...because i was too pooped to pop after getting home. oh well. saturday wasn't as bad as i thought it could have been, mostly because teagan was having a good day and it wasn't too hot over in the valley. and it was great to see all my friends and their kids and show off teagan to those who hadn't yet met her. but it was a long day and i was very tired after putting tyler to bed. had to skip the bath again, sorry pal mom just doesn't have the energy so you're gonna have to live with the grit under your nails and dirty behind your ears another day :( somehow i don't think he minds too much.
so now i wait for gramma coco to come relieve me. she originally said she'd be here at 5 but i called her this morning to let her know she could come anytime...which basically meant Please Come As Soon As Possible I Need A Break! she told me she'd definitely be here before 5, not a problem. she's the most amazing gramma so i can't hardly complain but here it is 3:45 and no sign of coco. that's probably another reason for my ailing mood. so much on my list of things to get done but waiting for her to arrive to really start them. my fault, not hers. i have to finish teagan's birth announcements by the end of day tomorrow come hell or high water! my goal was end of September and here it is two days into October. crap, that reminds me i haven't gotten out my Halloween deco yet. ya know, i'm not even sure i will this year which just seems completely unlike me. alas, i'm just not feeling it. not that i'm all bah-humbug about it, but maybe it's like how i got rid of 75% of my clothes feeling like they just weren't me anymore. somehow i just don't feel like going buck wild decorating with plastic pumpkins, skeletons, black cats, etc. this year. i know tony will be plenty happy about that. actually i was thinking of getting it all out and purging a lot of it and then just decorating very simply. have i lost my zest for life? my spark? i don't really feel like i have, i'm just not suddenly delirious with excitement over the holiday or time of year. maybe it's that in years past i was always looking for that something to make my day better, brighter, funner, something to look forward to and then surround myself with and try to convince myself it made a difference. but it was just smoke & mirrors. it was just a distraction. not that i'm totally over the holidays, but since i'm in a better mental and emotional state there isn't such a need or craving for them. it will be interesting to see how it is next year, if this lasts.
oh hey, coco just arrived. SWEEEEEEEEEET! i'm going to go to the library and then get a pedicure!!!
peace out!
oh wow, i thought tyler was being awfully quite this whole time i was writing...i just found him asleep in the living room, standing up, resting his head on his arms on the ottoman!!! and yes, it has been documented photographically!!
if we'd been drinking mimosas maybe it would be more understandable - i never feel quite right in the afternoon after drinking champagne in the morning. but no. tyler instantly started bugging me. he wouldn't eat the broccoli quiche i made for brunch with the ulterior motive that i would get some of the veggie into him. in his defense it didn't turn out that great. maybe that's why i don't feel well, i haven't been eating much dairy in my quest to be vegan these days but i decided to partake this morning in the quiche. hmmm. then he pulled the dirty sheets out of the clothes hamper and started dragging them through the house. i demanded he put them back but he didn't and then i figured, well they're dirty anyway and he seems to be enjoying himself. then miz teagan was doing her "i wanna breastfeed, no i don't, yes i do, no i don't" game where she acts hungry, i whip out the boob, she diddles with it then takes a few pulls then pops off and acts like she can't find it again when it's right in front of her mouth, then repeat, over and over. man is it ever frustrating.
i finally settled her down in my arms, swaddled up like a little tamale, and there she snoozed as i perused facebook. maybe that was what did it. looking at pictures people had posted, feeling the angst rise inside me that i thought was gone, leaning in to scrutinize the photos sure i was seeing one of the reasons for the angst, then leaning back and wondering why i even give a shit. closing down my laptop to put teagan down in her bassinet upstairs the angst lingers. oh damn, i forgot to take my happy pills this morning, could that be why i'm feeling all debbie-downer? not likely.
maybe i'm just tired. tony has been away since thursday night after all. had a great night with an amazing friend over drinks into the wee hours after putting the kids down, but was so tired and yucky feeling the next day which is when this mood dip started i think. had to haul both kids to kaiser for back to back appointments. thank god, buddah, madonna or whoever i have such well behaved children, well tyler anyway - he wanted to bring some trains with him and was having trouble carrying the lot he picked so i got a little bag for him to carry them in...a blue Tiffany's bag! loved the reactions i got from people for that! he just played trains on the floor of the exam room as the dermatologist checked out all my moles. another holla out to whoever for a good mole report, even that one i deemed scary and melanoma for sure that i just discovered on the side of my left boob. nope, all good. BIG relief! then over to see my therapist where i almost had nothing to say...and that sucked. also i actually think i'm turning my joke into a prophecy and starting to develop a crush. but maybe it's just feeling grateful for all she's done to help me and for really liking who she is and feeling sad about not talking to her anymore. not that therapy is over, she assured me it's a gradual stopping process. she said i was doing great but did insist i get back into yoga, saying she saw the difference in me when i was doing it and can see it now that i'm not. she also forbade me from going to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival that afternoon which i told her i was thinking of doing, packing up the stroller and some food, laying out a blanket and enjoying the music with the kids. but that was the joke, it wouldn't have been enjoyable at all...maybe. after telling her of the stressful weekend before in mexico (blog still in the process - maybe i'm just trying to forget about it and that's why i can't finish writing it!) and of the big day ahead saturday with back to back 3 year old's birthday parties she thought i was on crack for even considering going to the festival. yeah, i'm good for that, cracked out ideas that is. i wanted to see Chris Isaak, who i've never seen before, but ultimately i didn't go...because i was too pooped to pop after getting home. oh well. saturday wasn't as bad as i thought it could have been, mostly because teagan was having a good day and it wasn't too hot over in the valley. and it was great to see all my friends and their kids and show off teagan to those who hadn't yet met her. but it was a long day and i was very tired after putting tyler to bed. had to skip the bath again, sorry pal mom just doesn't have the energy so you're gonna have to live with the grit under your nails and dirty behind your ears another day :( somehow i don't think he minds too much.
so now i wait for gramma coco to come relieve me. she originally said she'd be here at 5 but i called her this morning to let her know she could come anytime...which basically meant Please Come As Soon As Possible I Need A Break! she told me she'd definitely be here before 5, not a problem. she's the most amazing gramma so i can't hardly complain but here it is 3:45 and no sign of coco. that's probably another reason for my ailing mood. so much on my list of things to get done but waiting for her to arrive to really start them. my fault, not hers. i have to finish teagan's birth announcements by the end of day tomorrow come hell or high water! my goal was end of September and here it is two days into October. crap, that reminds me i haven't gotten out my Halloween deco yet. ya know, i'm not even sure i will this year which just seems completely unlike me. alas, i'm just not feeling it. not that i'm all bah-humbug about it, but maybe it's like how i got rid of 75% of my clothes feeling like they just weren't me anymore. somehow i just don't feel like going buck wild decorating with plastic pumpkins, skeletons, black cats, etc. this year. i know tony will be plenty happy about that. actually i was thinking of getting it all out and purging a lot of it and then just decorating very simply. have i lost my zest for life? my spark? i don't really feel like i have, i'm just not suddenly delirious with excitement over the holiday or time of year. maybe it's that in years past i was always looking for that something to make my day better, brighter, funner, something to look forward to and then surround myself with and try to convince myself it made a difference. but it was just smoke & mirrors. it was just a distraction. not that i'm totally over the holidays, but since i'm in a better mental and emotional state there isn't such a need or craving for them. it will be interesting to see how it is next year, if this lasts.
oh hey, coco just arrived. SWEEEEEEEEEET! i'm going to go to the library and then get a pedicure!!!
peace out!
oh wow, i thought tyler was being awfully quite this whole time i was writing...i just found him asleep in the living room, standing up, resting his head on his arms on the ottoman!!! and yes, it has been documented photographically!!
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