I've discovered, at least for me, that life seems to happen just when you need it. Sometimes you don't want it...the lessons and stumbles aren't always nice...but the universe knows better and has it all under control. Of course I consider myself fairly privileged so perhaps this doesn't pertain to everyone, like the poor families devastated by the tornadoes in recent weeks. With little exception however, I think we have the ability to rise above most situations handed to us. Although I find that I may be contradicting myself here, stating the "universe has it under control" and yet that we as individuals have the power to control our lives. Haha, that's me, best of intentions, heart of gold, belief in the power of the individual, sometimes contradictory, has been known not to follow through and yet, like a cat, always lands on my feet - preferably wearing some fabulous stilettos ;) Tony and I recently had a conversation about how he should interpret and act upon the things that come out of my mouth, like when I talk about wanting to change a habit or take on some new discipline. He said "I want to support you, but when you say one thing and then do another I get frustrated" to which I replied "why do you have to take everything I say as serious?" which is basically just my way of trying to excuse my laziness or lack of strength and determination at the time. Truth is, when the stars are aligned I'm a power to be reckoned with and everyone better stand back because I'm going to leave a blazing trail in my wake. It has happened many times in my life and I've failed to give myself proper credit but that has changed. I know my potential and I'm in the process of meeting it. But it hasn't happened so easily and casualties of the game I've had no control over have thrown me off balance, but I stand tall now and ready to take on the world.
Several months ago I wrote a blog proclaiming my intention to get back in shape, pick up an exercise routine and drop the last 15 lbs of baby weight I'm carrying. Over brunch a few weeks ago a friend I see only occasionally through the year asked me if I was still running. Running after my kids, I told her! Then I realized she had read that blog and without hearing anything else about the subject since wondered if I was keeping to my goal. I told her a white lie then, or rather just gave some muffled, cryptic, half response that I think just left her with not knowing how to interpret it or how to respond so the subject was dropped - Score! It's not like I hadn't thought about that blog or that I layed it out for the world and then didn't follow through, even though no one lost but me. And the funny thing about motherhood, I've discovered, is that while I probably wouldn't be happy with my appearance if I was still carrying all 95 lbs I gained over the two pregnancies, I'm a lot more forgiving about my body now. A LOT. Then again, I stay home and my uniform is jeans and a tee shirt or sweater with Converse or Ugg boots and how often do I go OUT out? And even when I do, I no longer need to lure in a man. Of course apathy is not what I'm trying to support here and couldn't be farther from the truth actually. I'm so impressed and in awe of what my body has done, how it created, grew and gave birth to two little humans and that's only its most recent accomplishments. I like looking good but I also like feeling good and I'm realistic about my life and attainables and at what cost they come.
So after feeling that I've recently shed my old skin, giving way to a whole new me, or rather uncovering the me that has been hidden all this time, the stars finally aligned. A few other things happened, but I'll get into that later. I registered for a half marathon June 3rd here in the bay area and I've begun my training. I found a 12 week program on line which seemed very doable and I have my goal in site! I figure by default I'll probably lose most if not all of this baby weight in the next 12 weeks of running and I already follow a healthy vegan diet - with the very rare exception of some delish to-die-for cesar salad at Emmy's Spagetti Shack around the corner or a spread of amazing cheeses while out wine tasting in the Russian River Valley when if I didn't eat the cheese I might just starve to death ;) Haha! You have to live life, right? Everything in moderation, of course I still will not eat the flesh of another living, or previously living, thing. That's just not ok for me.
So I'll try to keep a better blog journal of this adventure since it's bound to be full of fun stories to share. I'm just super excited about having this personal goal, to train my body and mind to run a distance I've never run, to achieve something I've never achieved, to have a success to call my own and be proud of. It's not about losing the baby weight, and it's just the beginning of what I plan to take on in my new life.
Last Friday was my last session with my therapist. She left me :( Actually she did, but only because she's moving back east to be near her family and the area she grew up. It did come at the "perfect" time though as we had really done all the work there was to do. Not saying I'll never have an issue again, but I overcame such hurdles and problems I've been carrying around for...forever...in the last year and a half that I've been seeing her that it was time for us to stop seeing each other. I made her a gift out of my appreciation for her guidance and knowledge and support that lead me through this at times very painful journey. It was a Tree of Life pendant in her birth stone. Ironically she shared the symbolism to her life at this moment that my gift represented and the reminder of working with someone who gave her hope that people can recover. We agreed to keep in touch and stated aloud the unknown circumstances of our paths crossing again. We shared many hugs and after I got my kids belted into their car seats back in the parking garage I allowed the tears to flow. I will miss her but it wasn't all about her, it was about ceremoniously leaving behind the old me and driving out into the light. I took a totally new path home, winding my way through streets of the city I've never been down, going slow to ogle this house and that garden, etc. All the while the rain fell, further washing away the old and cleansing the new.
