Playing catch-up

Funny, there was a real peak in my blog viewers several posts ago...maybe it caught a lot of people's attention but then didn't keep it enough to check back in.  That's ok.  Ultimately I write this for myself and the few followers that are faithful...tho who knows why you are and who you are :)  Hahahaha!!  Over the years I've thought I was a pretty interesting character living a fairly interesting life, worthy of blogging or heaven forbid writing a memoir.  I still do hope to write "my story" someday but I've been humbled as of late and realized "my story" isn't really so all that.  It's mine though and I'm holding onto it :)

That said, it hasn't been terribly interesting lately.  My daughter is in the throws of the terrible twos and I've been in the throws of Over It!  Plus been tweeking my meds which is just a roller coaster of a ride.  Went from energy and spunk to blah and nada.  Now I'm bouncing back a little and trying to catch up on things, hence this post and the images below.  Yep, still keeping up the daily visual journal!  In my opinion they've been kinda dull, but that's actually a perfect reflection of where I've been so I guess I'm doing something right.  Going to just post the suckers and look toward a longer post hopefully in the next few days.

Cheers

Amazing

I suppose the one good thing about having insomnia or your child having insomnia is getting to tackle some of the to-do's on my list...emails I've been meaning to send, photo uploads I've been meaning to do, writing a new blog post, etc. etc.  Of course I doubt I'll be getting up to go running at 6 considering it's now 3:30 and I've been up since 2 and I'm not sure when I'll be able to cajole Teagan back to bed without one of her epic tantrums ensuing which would wake up the entire house, if not the neighborhood :(  Oh well, it doesn't happen every night, in fact this is the first time and hopefully the last, at least for a while.  Yay parenthood!

I really do wish I knew the key to the ups and the downs...it would make life so much easier, to be able to avoid the triggers that cause the downs and encourage the ones that bring on the ups.  Such is the big quest of my life.  Had some down days and had some up days over the last week.  The downs suck, the ups are nice altho I suppose that would go without saying.  I feel I'm on an upward swing right now which feels good and the astrological website I refer to talks about this time having a lot of energy and forward motion...if I can handle it and not get caught up in frustrations and dredging up old wounds, doubts and reactions.  Hmpf.  I don't think I'll go that way :) 

Had an interesting conversation with my best friend the other night over dinner after our waiter asked how we were and my friend replied "I'm Amazing!" and both the waiter and I thought that was quite great.  And so the topic ensued, finding the "amazing" in your every day, "making" each day Amazing somehow.  I tried it today and it worked quite, well, amazingly.  That's not to say I wasn't bugged at points, like when at 9 am while loading my kids into the car to take Tyler to school I encountered 3 guys who'd just stolen a giant bottle of vodka from Safeway around the corner and stopped to bang off the security cap on a metal gate 2 doors down from my  house then sauntering off to get their drink on after leaving the cap on the sidewalk.  I calmly thanked the guy for littering then went about my business which afforded me the position only to see that the guy was mouthing off back at me but not to hear his choice words.  Oh yeah and then there was standing in line at Michael's when Teagan showed me a new trick of picking up some candy (I swear I hate that all stores have that crap right there at the checkout line where you end up standing and waiting and arguing with your kids about why they can't have any crap), opening the package and proceeding to eat it before I notice!  WTF?!  So after I took it away and scolded her a huge flaming tantrum erupted and I was lucky enough to have 3 fellow moms of varying ages in line with me who chuckled along with me and shared their stories of similar encounters as Teagan screamed, flailed, kicked and cried on the floor.  Sigh...have I said Yay Parenthood yet this blog post?!  :)  At any rate, at the dinner table over fresh homemade pumpkin ginger soup when Tony asked me how my day was I straightened my back a bit, lifted my chin and proclaimed "it was Amazing."  He was a bit taken aback by that so I just explained to him all the "amazing" things that happened.  It felt great and I hope I can try to adopt this new attitude every, or most, days going forward.

My art pieces didn't make it into the art show that I submitted to last week but I was and am totally ok with it.  When I picked them up I was able to peruse the other "rejects" that hadn't yet been picked up and I was pretty amazed and stoked to see there was a lot of really good, creative, fun, unique stuff that also wasn't selected.  Hey, you can't win 'em all but it takes guts and confidence to submit and you never know until you do.  I went to the show opening Saturday night with a friend who did get her pieces into the show and it was a nice time.  I'm also now the proud owner of a new art piece called "Second Chance" which now hangs in my dining room...my first sculpture/mixed media purchase which reminds me of a figurehead, a mermaid, a cross and an angel all at the same time.  I LOVE it!!  I'm so glad it was so reasonably priced :)  I also met up with the artist who has the gallery in his converted garage/first level of his house and after a great conversation and review of all my work that I brought over to show him he suggested/offered/accepted hosting my upcoming big 40th birthday party art show!!  I couldn't be happier, he's a really nice guy, very talented and his space is perfect.  Things are really falling into place!!!

So below are the visual journals since my last blog post - yep, I'm managing to keep it up and actually start to get a little creative with some!  Hope you enjoy.

and it feels like I just got home!

(written Wednesday afternoon)

As I sit on my back porch soaking up some Vitamin D which is warming my back and enjoying the temperate breeze, barely able to see my laptop screen but just feeling like I can't Not be outside when mother nature presents such a "winters day", I find myself pondering where oh where to begin and what exactly to write about.  It's only been a few days, but my days are full...of thoughts, emotions, issues, non-issues and oh let's not forget children.  At the  moment my fingers are crossed that despite the new trick my daughter has learned to open her closed bedroom door when it is nap time, and despite her repeatedly coming down to check out what I'm doing, that she may at least leave me to what is usually my peace time by not needing or demanding anything of me.  I keep sending her back up to nap and she keeps coming back down.  I don't know what I'm going to do if she is about to quit napping.  Already we have sleep issues at night with both the kids which we might better solve if we had them in separate bedrooms but that's not really possible in this house...  Anyway, I digress.  Basically I could sum up the parenting bit right now as: it's hard.  You tackle one issue and get into a groove and then they change things up again for you - will it be this way until they leave the house someday?!  So it's no wonder I seem extra stressed, extra frazzled, extra extra, I feel like I live in a funny farm!!  Even if I were perfectly 100% balanced and all wise I'm not sure I couldn't be rattled.  Mind you it's still something I love, adore and wouldn't change for the world.  It's just a matter of finding my peace...and I was finding it during nap time and after putting the kids to bed so now I just gotta get more creative ;)

Creative is something I've actually been being very good at lately, I've been working hard on my art and really feeling proud of the results.  This week I've been putting in a lot of time on a new piece I'm planning on submitting along with another similar piece to a show at the ARC Gallery called "Impulse" which isn't to mean that's what the pieces are about but rather the gallery is hoping to create or nurture existing impulsive art collectors.  I saw the Call For Art and upon thinking about what I could submit I searched through my stash of inspiration images and found one I thought would work well converted to beading.  Here's the original piece, The Beaded Madonna which I did a year ago and will submit with the new piece, Beaded Masquerade, pictured below:

 

I'm really excited about the new piece, which isn't as completely beaded as this one and this time incorporates sequins as well.  Of course the doubter in me says I'm never going to be accepted into this show, why even try.  Well, because you never know until you try and having the courage to go for it in the first place, along with creating a really cool piece I wouldn't maybe otherwise have, means I have nothing to lose and should be very proud of myself regardless.  I wonder if "successful" artists ever say that, "I'm proud of myself."  Somehow that feels like words for people who aren't top notch, although I suppose if I were top notch what would I have left to do, to try for, to aim for?  Yeah.

 

So I know I wrote last time about not taking me so seriously, not being offended, explaining a little more my situation, etc. but somehow it still didn't seem enough and I nearly decided, and may still, to take down my blog, or at least erase all the posts up until now.  This social media thing is so huge and people are just so judgemental, you never know who is looking and how they are going to react.  Just a snapshot in my day and someone could take that and run and I may have sealed my own fate!  It's crazy and angering.  I was trying to reassure myself by looking back over my blogs and visual journals but stepping back and just seeing the words and images without anything else I could actually see where things might be taken wrong.  I was going through some rough days and I wasn't holding that back with the blog or journal but on one page as I flipped through I noticed I'd put a picture of a row of sharp garden tools...since I'd been GARDENING that day...but I feared someone might see them as weapons or a subtle cry for wanting to use them on something other than weeds.  Now if I could go there than anyone could go there and suddenly I was so angry and frustrated.  Do I stop posting my journals, are they just too personal to put out there without explaining every little part of them?  Do I worry that co-workers of my husband or my neighbors or Tyler's school friend's parents or anyone else I have interactions with will misinterpret and act on that misinterpretation?  Ugh.  I don't know.  The artist in me says NO Fucking Way, this is my creative outlet, I know everything is ok, people go through hard times and maybe they just don't want to admit it or are uncomfortable with other people going through it or whatever.  I've had people tell me they gain strength from knowing they aren't the only one's going through a hard time or that I say things they've only thought and wanted to say but were afraid to.  I don't want to shut my mouth, I don't want to not share personal things, but I also don't want to pay any prices for doing so.  Hmmm, I probably would have made a wimpy revolutionary!  Hahaha!

 

Tonight is a full moon and The Power Path (an astrological site I follow loosely) assures me this is the transition between one chapter and the next and that I need to make sure to leave behind the last several weeks and not drag them into the coming time where so much is possible.  I may do a burning ceremony, as it suggested, and then do some self-pampering as also suggested...maybe a pedicure after the kids go to bed!  I definitely feel like the time has come to move out of this crazy phase and like WTF just happened?!  Best not to dwell but to move forward, onward and upward.  I have lots of art to get done in preparation for my big 40th birthday art show, for one, and I need to work on my website.  I also need to take time to relax, just BE as well as to enjoy my children for whatever phase they are in.  I hope to be posting a lot more art along with my visual journals here so keep watching!! 

 

As always, I welcome comments or questions or even just "like" on FB ;)  It helps to know people are reading and NOT being offended or worried, but if you are that's ok too, I'd rather hear about it than not.

 

Cheers,

Tiffany

 

Just when you thought it couldn't get deeper...

It can't!  Haha!  What I mean is...well, let me explain.  For those who are new to my blog or new to me you may not know what to expect, may be surprised by things I say or heck, maybe I bore you!  In my own fantastical world in my head I'm the coolest but also dorkiest, smartest yet dumbest, sweetest yet bitchiest, hottest yet dumpiest, most talented yet a failure in the creative world.  I speak what's on my mind, in general - I mentioned recently how I've accidentally put people off with things I've written when it had nothing to do with them or how they took it but I had to learn to think outside myself, even though I tend to be totally self absorbed.  Aren't we all?  Ok, maybe not.  I took a break from my blog for a while after feeling so bad that I could have hurt or offended anyone, I told myself I was a horrible person then licked my wounds saying of course I didn't mean it but still I stayed away.  After my art got really under way again and I started this daily visual journal I decided to take to the blog again, figuring it must be safe if all I'm doing is posting about my visual journal.  But then I got an interesting perspective from a friend recently who said my art can be dark and my writing can definitely be dark and while they know me and know that's not totally who I am that may not be the case with everyone who reads this.  I threw out some labels that people might have wondered about, like Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Well, the internet is a great place if you haven't checked lately and if you read something you don't know the meaning of you can look it up real quick.  Of course how many of us have the time to look up every dang thing we aren't totally sure about, esp. if it doesn't really relate to us at all?  I have some chemical imbalances, the titles of which sounds scarier than they are.  Scratch that, they can be very scary in reality, but I'm a pro at them and have learned how to explain to those close to me that it's just a cycle that comes and goes, like a roller coaster up and down, some days aren't so good, some are downright bad, others are perfectly great and fine.  Tough thing is it's a crap shoot each day.  If I'm on a good roll chances are each day isn't such a gamble but when things get wobbly it can be as easy as the wind changing direction and suddenly I'm engulfed.  Those who don't know anyone with any mental issues or who don't have any themselves - first, your very lucky - but ya know with my imbalances comes a lot of passion.  No one can deny I'm a passionate person about most everything in my life.  I feel passionately.  I not only have some emotional challenges but I'm also a Cancer which just adds to it.  But I don't want anyone to cringe and worry about my children or my husband or anything.  If you do, please feel free to contact me directly.  We are all ok. 

I'm an artist, how many in history do you know of that were a little off their rocker?  It's not such a bad thing, I can't imagine being normal and "boring" - that was a joke, the boring part ;)  At any rate, I hope those reading and following my blog don't take anything too seriously.  Each day when I write and put together my visual journal it's just a snapshot of me, of my day.  Often as I'm flipping through a magazine an image will pop out and I just stop and go That's It!!  and it may or may not make any sense as to what actually went on in my day, or it may, but somehow it just works for me.  Same goes with the "sound bites" or "catch phrases" I add to the pages.  Then the poems...again, a snapshot.  It may represent just 5 minutes of my whole day.  I love art, you can do anything with it, you can try to send a message but people are going to interpret it so differently, from the artist's intention and from other viewers.  So interpret as you may but if you really have questions or comments, I welcome them with open arms.  Thank you again for reading and following me :)  Peace and love be with you.

Busy = Happy, or at least positive

Getting behind posting, BUT not getting behind doing my actual visual journals.  I'm wondering when it will lose its appeal, both to me and to my viewers.  Well, I think a goal for now is to keep it up until my birthday since I'm planning on having a big 40th birthday art show and it would be cool to put out my journal for viewing.  So that's a 6 month commitment as of now and tho I'm finding it more and more challenging that also means I'm being pushed in more and different ways which is precisely what I need and half the reason I'm doing it.  However, I'm just not going to be able to write much about them all the time esp when I'm feeling better and am busy.  It's funny, my written journal has huge gaps in it from the times where life is good but when I'm in a shit hole I've got pages written for every day!  To overview briefly, up until yesterday I was having a really rough time and that's really reflected in my visual journal.  I actually showed it to my mother and her response was "it seems like my daughter is haunted."  Lovely.  And true...sometimes.  Here is Jan 3, 4, 5 & 6.  I will save 7 to hopefully write about along with 8.  Cheers.

Words are very unecessary...

they can only do harm.
Feelings are intense, words are trivial...
All I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed
is here in my arms.
Enjoy the silence

Name that tune ;)  Yes, Depeche Mode just came on my Pandora station and it felt fitting to where I was at on January 2nd.

I'm getting myself a little confused at this point now because I'm generally doing my visual journal for the day on the next morning because by the end of the night I'm too tired and still often "soaking up" the day so it just makes more sense to reflect the next morning before starting that day.  However, if I don't actually post it then, like now where I'm trying to post for the last 2 days, things start to get a little fuzzy. 

Anyway, I made room on my visual journal page for Thursday to write a poem because there felt such a need and because I truly want to include them each day.  For all the emotional angst I'd been putting myself through for over a week over a gut feeling I had I finally got a phone call which both put to rest and confirmed my feeling.  I still have another check-in to make but I was overly joyed to find out my initial fears were unfounded.  Cryptic?  Yes, well I don't want to go into details, those are not important.  The basic impact on me was due to self-doubt, fear and sensitivity.   At least I have the security to reach out to confirm or deny my concerns.  However, much of the day I was still feeling a bit like a freak, like an outcast, angry, broken and looked down upon, hence much of the imagery.  But really who is doing the judging here, the people I *think* are feeling that way or myself?  Yes, myself.  I take full responsibility for my actions, right or wrong good or bad, I take responsibility for how they represent who I am and I take responsibility for judging as well as accepting and loving myself for them.  What more can I really do?  Hopefully learn some lessons and choose to or not to act accordingly next time.

Naaay!!

Happy New Year!  New Moon phase, Year of the Horse and all that good shit ;)

I hate getting too caught up in any holiday anymore, it just doesn't do me any good.  I know myself and it's best to keep an even level of excitement and anticipation for big things so as not to set up for a let down.  Maybe that's not the right attitude but it's what keeps me sane for now.  I think I've finally gone from swinging way high and swinging way low to just kinda bobbing around the horizon line and while it definitely keeps things more tolerable it also feels a bit numb.  It's like an ex boyfriend of  mine once commented that "life is never boring with Tiffany even if that means it's not positive."  But "boring" is a funny word I think...these days being a stay at home mom I often feel "bored" regardless of being busy.  Working on my art and doing social things helps break me out of that bored place but really, can life be just a big jolly exciting party all the time?  No.  Or maybe it can, but who can sustain that?  The rich and famous who have tons of minions to do all their "real life" stuff like laundry, grocery shopping, paperwork, kid sleep training, etc. etc.  Anyway, I have gotten in "trouble" in the past for saying things I apparently shouldn't or that isn't appropriate or is uncomfortable for the company and it has always pissed me off because I hate that I should have to BE someone else just because other people might not get it.  Have I gone totally off topic now?  My sis & bff kindly remind me that just because it's ok in my eyes doesn't mean it's ok in the rest of the worlds eyes and even tho that doesn't mean I should conform it does mean if I want to keep the peace I should have a little respect.  Gosh, I just never thought I was disrespectful, that hardly feels like a word people would use to describe me...or is it?  At any rate, this is a whole tangent playing in my head these days which has translated to my visual journal, although maybe not totally obviously.  The poetry is missing the last few days due to lack of space and a pissy attitude.  I'm trying to stay positive and not bitter but that's not always easy.  I'm working hard on trying not to care, ultimately, about what others think about me, but that's just not who I am.  I care about what people think.  I want people to like me.  But if they don't, that's just their loss I guess ;)