Pure Heroine

Just purchased and listening to Lorde's Pure Heroine and I LOVE it!!  A new album to take me through the new year.  Realized it's a new moon tonight as well so it's an extra powerful time.  In the process of setting some intentions and putting them on paper.  No, not "resolutions" but Intentions. :)

Yesterday was a better day, it got better after I showered, washed my hair and put on thick black eyeliner ;)  Cleaned up the house and took down Christmas deco since I don't like to go into the new year with it still up.  I felt like a lot of different people which is reflected in my daily journal imagery and poem.  Busy with nothing today getting ready for New Year's Eve...

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it was a sluggish day, still feeling the energy drain from the Mission and have this mysterious crappy pain in my right arm which has put a damper on my spirit & productivity.  I laid low much of the day with the partial excuse that it was Sunday.  I got some bummer news and have also been feeling a bit hyper sensitive/hyper paranoid about some friendships so all in all it wasn't a great day.  well, I guess they can't all be positive ;) 

Eeeny Meeny Miney Mission

So we drove 4 hours south to visit Tony's dad Friday morning, returning late last night.  That's about all we can take unfortunately.  It's so sad watching those we love get old, grumpy, sedentary, confused, etc.  We usually go for slightly longer but break it up by staying with some good friends who live nearby but who were sick with the flu this time.  Tony told me on the drive home I did very well this trip...well, I brought with me plenty of distractions, my new daily goal of the visual journal occupying much of my thoughts since what was tangible and in front of me i was trying to escape.  I suppose that doesn't really make sense, trying to avoid the pain of real life by figuring out how to put my feelings about it into my visual journal?  Well, whatever, that's what I did and it seemed to work and I actually got the page done!  It's funny how as I'm going through the day I'm making note of what's impacting me, influencing me, affecting me and what I want to take away from it to put in my journal and then the task of finding the imagery and verbiage in my current magazine stash, in the tips of my pens & paint brushes, in the form of poetry, to take the whole day and make one page out of it.  Some things that seem important don't end up on the page but how can you capture it all?  This new project is challenging me, rewarding me and therapyzing me (that's not a word i know but i didn't like "counseling me"). 

Yesterday was another day of driving and pit stops so I didn't get to finish my page until this morning which i felt compelled to do before anything else...ok, I helped get the kids dressed, wiped Teagan's snotty nose, watched the kids play on the sidewalk out front, picked up the house a little, etc.  Again, another day filled with things I can't possibly, or maybe don't even want to, include on its page.  I grabbed little things here and there to add to it, including a St. Anthony charm that I safety pinned to the page and while at Barrel House Brewing Company I did a rubbing from the very cool & bizarre wall texture which became the background of the page. 

We visited two Missions on this little road trip, places I'm very drawn to and intrigued by.  Yes more of the cross collecting atheist's random obsessions.  I would like to put together a photo book someday, not the first of it's kind but the first by me, of all the California and Baja Missions.  I've been to and photographed several of them now.  On our way down we checked out the small Mission Soledad, off the beaten path a little and centered in fields of dusty crops, the wind blowing dirt over the property making you wonder how it hasn't been buried!  I absolutely loved the chapel with all it's quaint detail and i picked myself up a little golden Milagro heart which i glued onto my visual journal page for the day.  On the drive home, however, since we had the time we drove the 26 miles off the highway to visit Mission San Antonio de Padua.  The drive was very pretty, a mixture of old oaks and desert feel.  Fallen leaves scattered the road and as we drove through I'd look in my rear view mirror and smile at the fluttering, sparkling dance we'd leave behind.  Unfortunately the mission didn't leave me with as much good feeling.  I couldn't put my finger on it while we were there, wandering about the massive building and grounds, nor could I figure it out as we were driving away and I knew I never wanted to return.  It wasn't until my head lay on my pillow many hours later that I made the connection between the saint of lost possessions, the disabled & sick, St. Anthony, and the mission built in his namesake.  I had been picking up the negative energy of loss, of pain and tragedy and heartache.  It was almost as if I could see the spirits erratically flying about, tortured and sad.  Yes, I just said that.  Yes, I'm an atheist...but something I can't quite resolve is my connection to what I can only really describe as the spiritual world, or the energy world.  Do I believe in ghosts? Not really.  But I know I have a mild psychic connection to my fellow man and their energy.  As I tried explaining all this to Tony (ironic about the name) this morning he took the opposite reaction, that there would be a sense of love, support & kindness to those things & people lost, to those disabled and sick.  I heard him and I understood but it's not what I felt when I was there.  I'm glad I went but I won't be returning.  Maybe someday I should, to try to make peace with it, but it's very far down on my list and I've basically already put it behind me.

So here are the two visual journals for Friday and Saturday.  Enjoy!

Super Who? Super What?

It's been a WHILE since I blogged...what on earth was I focusing on at that point?  My fitness goals? Those went by the wayside for my artistic goals which then went by the wayside when I mentally couldn't handle any more than the basic daily tasks...  In November I thought I'd found my miracle happy pill, which of course came with the caveat that I couldn't take them for long lest I develop some random "possibly permanent abnormal facial/tongue movements" (do I trade a facial tic for true bliss?!) but I find myself at the end of December once again feeling like I did prior to starting my miracle pill.  Ah hah, so apparently there is no miracle pill, just temporary fixes of some sort or another.  Which leads me to the ultimate goal of this post, since I neither have the time nor energy to pour out a giant typical Tiffany blog.  One of the beauties of being diagnosed Bipolar II along with the prediagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and being prescribed a lower dose of Zoloft along with a new low dose of (happy pill drum roll...) Abilify, is that I've suddenly had the mental clarity and physical energy to tackle more than the minimal requirements of the day and thus my art.  I've completed more art in the last 4 weeks than the last year I think!  Not that it's all great, but it's complete and it comes from that place inside me that needs release, that needs to create, that needs to grow via my art.  But as the happy pill high is waning I'm in fear of losing my artistic burst and want to set myself a goal to hopefully keep me pushing through the tough days, as today was one.  I happen to pick up a "magazine/book" called Artists' Café Best of Somerset Mixed Media and was, in a very low moment not just in the day but in the month, the year, even my life (if up to now I had to rank a dozen or so of them) I made my way through by creating a visual journal page.  I am a journaler, I am a writer, I am an artist but up until now I have not been a visual journaler.  The ideas were all over the magazine I picked up today and with the options of doing something not quite so productive or even I dare say harmful vs creating a visual journal page...well, the Tiffany that is the survivor picked the latter and here we have it.  It's not pretty, it's not happy.  I even wrote a "poem" to go with it which is not at all uplifting but I was none of those things as I created it.  However, when it was finished there was a sense of relief, of the blister burst, of a pride and that's what I hope to keep aiming for with this new goal.

So going forward I'm going to try my hardest each day to create a visual journal page.  It will be put together within an hour, not over thought, not over planned or over produced.  It will be what it is, the good bad or ugly.  I am going to post a picture of it here each day as a way to keep myself in check.  We are planning on going away the next few days so both doing the page and posting it will be a challenge but I think I need those to keep me sane right now.  Sanity is a good thing I think everyone can agree :) 

I welcome and invite you on my journey here and of course am always open to comments, suggestions, thoughts, etc. 

best,
tiffany

Ebb & Flow

It has been WAY too long since I wrote my last blog...my problem is that I don't force myself to sit down often and write because I know I want to/tend to write a lot and if I let any amount of time get away from me then I just become overwhelmed by everything I "need" to write about.  So here I am about to write one of my quickies, or so I think :)  It's 10:17 pm and Tyler is sitting beside me on the couch playing with his blocks & cars, avoiding sleep as is his new routine each night :(  It's Saturday  night, I've got wine and frankly too much life stress to get angry with him tonight and enforce going up to bed.  Life isn't bad...geez, it's by far bad, but our doggie is sick and that seems to cloud everything.  Funny, or not, how the kids are totally oblivious to it, they just keep playing, trying to jump on Boris, act silly, etc.  It's actually much better & easier that way but still seems awkward for the rest of us.  Right now we don't really know what is going to happen with our sweet doggy but we know we don't have a lot of time with him which sucks.  But us pet owners, we know our pets don't live forever...I met a girl recently who had an African Grey Parrot and apparently they live 70 yrs!!!... and so when we incorporate them into our lives we know it's only for a certain amount of time though we don't talk or think about that.  Tony & I initially adopted 2 kittens from the SPCA years ago but had the unfortunate incidence of one of them developing some terminal kitten disease (I can't remember what it's called...FAP? FIP?) at the ripe 'ol age of like 5 months and had to put him down which was totally god awful even though he'd only been in our lives a short period of time.  I will never forget that sweet kitty we called Chumsley.  We quickly, though not with excitement, replaced him with a black cat the SPCA called "Davey" and we renamed "Mugsy" who we can't now imagine not having in our lives so it makes you wonder about all things "destined" and "meant to be."  We also had to put down an ancient kitty, Boots, who was in her early 20's when her little body was just done with this earth, after living a long life with me as a youngster then my mom & Aunt through most of her adult life before coming to live with us and stealing Tony's heart.  We are animal people but as animal people we know we live on quasi borrowed time with our four legged friends, and yet we still choose to embark on that path.  All other animals owners will understand.

That is the most recent significant thing going on in my life to write about.  There's been a lot more but I hesitate to delve into that now for fear I will let it all overwhelm me and this blog will sit in my draft folder for months or inevitably, only to be deleted for a newer post dismissing all of what I'm writing about now.

I've been hard at work on my art...even going up to Mendocino for a weekend by myself to do a plein air workshop with an artist I met at one of the open studios last fall.  It was a wonderful experience and I hope to soon finish up the two paintings I worked on up there and post them but they have taken a back seat as of now.  I loved the B&B I stayed in, the Joshua Grindle Inn, which I highly recommend and want to go back to for the amazing breakfasts and welcome bottle of wine, relaxing room & deep soak tub! 

I set my sights on several art shows, printing & taping up the Call For Art on my easel, which I painted specifically for and were accepted into!  The first was in Half Moon Bay, a "Wild, Natural California" show that I submitted a coast landscape for...

...and is currently showing at the Coast Land Trust Gallery in Half Moon Bay.  The significance behind this is more meaningful than anything, and of course only known to very few.  One year ago I saw a post on FB from a high school "friend" who had a piece of art hanging at this very gallery and who encouraged everyone to go check it out, take a photo with it, post it and she would send an art print.  So I did...I wanted to see this art up close, I was inspired by this peer of  mine who seemed to be doing it all - being a mom and an artist.  I went, I saw, I photographed & I posted...along with a beautiful day of picnicking with my 2 sweet kids in Half Moon Bay, photographing the spring blooms & my kids' changing smiles.  I went home and decided that I too could do "this", be an artist and a mother.  Heck, to just get back into my art period!  I made the time, my hubby & kids got me an easel for mother's day, a friend sent me some brushes, paints & paper to accompany the few supplies I already had, and I got to it!  A year later I submitted, was accepted and now showing at the very gallery where 1 year prior I got my inspiration!  Such an exciting event!!

 

Subsequently, I've been trying to seek out every & all "Call For Art" possible (easier said than done) to enter.  A good friend gave me a tip and long story short I was soon showing yet another piece in another gallery!  The Sun Gallery in Hayward had a show of "World View: Landscape" and so I painted & entered this...

...and at the artist's reception received some really cool compliments!!

 

Life has been busy, not always allowing time to paint, which is frustrating and yet I have to remind myself my first obligation/love is to my children, husband and home.  Of course this is a daily, hourly, minute by minute duty that can drain even the most devoted mommy.  So I paint when I can and also try to take care of my body by getting up and exercising and then eating right.  I'm really learning about balance!!

 

We have a full summer on the books and I know before I blink twice it's gonna be Fall so I'm trying to remember to enjoy every day, every minute, be grateful for what I have, be patient & loving and remember it will all be over before I know it.

Balance & Influence

There are days when I say "I wish I had all day to just focus on my art" and there are days when I actually have that time but the creative juices are just not flowing.  I think I read somewhere, per some famous artist, that you have to push past those feelings and force yourself to work on your art.  I guess I can see that to an extent...if I'm not feeling like working on a current painting maybe I can sift through my inspiration file (ok, it's a big drawer overflowing with images I've ripped from magazines that for one reason or another inspire me or give me ideas to incorporate in future paintings - enough inspiration, I might add, for a lifetime of full time painting!) or check out fellow artist's work on-line via FB or newsletters I've subscribed to, or sit down with one of the many books I've most recently checked out of the library regarding, somehow, art.  I used to hate the library (didn't like *borrowing* books, didn't like the Dewey decimal system and trying to find what I was looking for plus they always felt old & dusty to me!) but within the past few years that changed completely.  I realized I could search on-line for books with a key word and have a list of books come up and then I could click a few buttons and reserve it or request it be sent to my local library branch, then I just throw the kids in the stroller, take a little walk and BAM!  It has been such an amazing resource, hehehe!  Right now I've got this really interesting book on my nightstand called "Finding Your Visual Voice: A Painter's Guide To Developing An Artistic Style."  I've checked out ooodles of books on "how to paint" but I realized a few things about those: I basically already know how to paint first of all, secondly they styles & examples were just not interesting to me and lastly that even if I didn't know what I was doing I'm not sure I could learn from a book.  I definitely think I can use building skills I don't have or are young, as well as learning some tips, but that's where my Practice, Practice, Practice comes in...but flipping through books here and there can't hurt after all.   Regarding the current book, even though I finally feel like I'm no longer searching for my *style*, per say, I'm still open to delving into what makes Tiffany the Artist tick, what avenues I could explore that would be right up my alley and turn out to fit right in with my current direction.  Or maybe find something that takes me off on a whole different direction but is still keeping with my own style.  It's funny, I was going to attend a lecture recently put on by a local art studio titled "What Sells: Creating A Saleable Body Of Work" but after a little thought I decided not to attend...after all, of course I'd like to sell my art but I want people to buy it because they like it, because it moves them somehow and because it's something I created because *I* wanted to, because *I* enjoyed making it, because ultimately I'm not creating art to make money, I'm creating MY art because it's who *I* am.  Why should I go to a lecture to find out *what* I should be painting??  Nah.  Now, there may have been more to it than that, but in the end I decided there were other lectures coming up I'd rather attend that were more pertinent for me like "Representation: Approaching Art Galleries" and "Presentation: Preparing Your Artist Packet and Writing Your Artist Statement" and "Exhibition: Preparing To Show Your Artwork."  I will definitely be attending those three!

Circling back to my original thought above (haha!) there are days and times when I really want to work on my art but other things just won't allow it.  Tyler started pre-school in the beginning of March and I've had to learn to adjust accordingly.  First adjustment was letting go of my baby and realizing he was growing up and was heading into a new stage of his life where he's not with me all the time.  I think that part was both scary/sad as well as liberating for both he and I.  We're actually still adjusting to that on a daily basis, though I'm happy to report the crying (on both sides) has subsided!  Then there's the schedule aspect!  I almost feel like I've got an outside job again now, my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. so I can get my exercise out of the way (if I wait until later it eats into my art time) then I get myself ready quick so I can get the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door by 8:10 to be dropping off Tyler in South San Francisco at 8:30.  Home by 9 I spend the next hour approximately straightening up the house, doing laundry, dishes, sometimes baking, administrative stuff and a new fun routine of having coffee (decaf!) on the back porch with Teagan.  She gets her own little mug and sits next to me on the doorstep, kicking her little legs that don't quite touch the ground, asking "more" as she finishes the few swallows I've poured in her mug (lest she spill it all) and then clinking "cheers" with me and a satisfied "Aaaah" after the first swallow :)   If it's an errand day Teagan & I spend the morning with "girl time" at Target, Safeway, Trader Joe's, Michael's, etc. until her nap time at 1030 (I can hear her playing in her crib usually until 11 or even 1130 sometimes but I still put her down at 1030 so I can get MY time) and then I paint, or sketch my next painting, but generally it's something I have a hard time doing when the kids are around.  By 1230 I've gotta get Teagan up, change her diaper and head out to get Tyler.  When we get home I feed her lunch (Tyler eats at school) and then I *try* to get back to my art...sometimes there's other errands to run or we take a walk to the playground & library or there's more cleaning and cooking to do (there's Always cleaning & cooking to do!) but I do try to work on my art if the kids aren't climbing all over me or otherwise obscuring/distracting me from being able to.  The afternoon, hell the DAY, goes by Fast!  By 430 I need to be starting dinner because those turkeys are ready to eat between 5-530, then it's dinner clean-up, bath & story time and finally some peace by 7-8.  Tony often takes care of the dinner clean-up and/or bath & story time but at that point I'm DONE and working on art is just not really an option.  Usually that's when I read my library books or surf the web for art stuff, etc.  I try to get to bed at a decent hour (9pm) or if it's a tv night (The Following on Mondays & Criminal Minds on Wednesdays) more like 10-1030pm.  Alarm goes off at 6 and it starts all over again!  Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the movie "Groundhog Day"!!  Tyler goes to school Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday but the other days aren't too much different, I'm just not wearing my Mommy Taxi hat then and so I'll get more time for art.

I've got a list on my easel of upcoming shows I'm submitting paintings for and I just completed and sent in "Santa Lucia" for one of them.

I'm really pleased with how it turned out since several times in the process I hated it and felt it was going to turn out like a total piece of shit!  "It kicked my ass"...something I find myself saying after many of my paintings, but it was a good ass kicking ;)  I'm learning and growing with every piece!  Like, for example, this is my 2nd true landscape and I think what I've learned is that while I'm inspired by the image I'm painting, I'm not necessarily passionate about painting it.  I think this is key because passion is so important in the creation process, not only for my happiness but also for the final product.  What AM I passionate about painting?  Well...I don't think I want to give that away just yet and I'm still working on it but I think it will reveal itself soon enough.  I'm anxious to be accepted in the show I submitted "Santa Lucia" for but I'm also perfectly content with not since I'm so proud of it and I know it will find the right home eventually. 

The next show I've slated to submit for (thank you to my friend Julia who forwarded the Call For Art on to me!) is another landscape...although in the theme's description it is said what a broad term "landscape" can be and therefore it is very much open for interpretation, thankfully!  So I'm sketching from a photo I took last summer while on a little girl's weekend getaway with my sister up the coast.  That's all I'm gonna say for now, but by April 15th I'll hopefully be posting the finished piece.  I'm glad I have that amount of time because yesterday a creative wrench was thrown my way in the form of a sudden, almost urgent, inspiration and I may just work on that first...or it may be the first time I work on two pieces in tandem.  I'm almost hesitant to say what the subject is because it's very emotionally charged and in my deepest corner of self-doubt I worry I won't be able to pull it off as well I'd like and therefore it  may never reach the public eye.  That said, let's hope I am just being silly in not believing and trusting in my abilities.  This piece is a big deal for me...

Well I see it's lunchtime and Tyler is home so I've got to put aside this creative time (I definitely count my writing and blog as creative time) and get some food going for him....oh and me too, yeah, I'm forgetting to eat a lot these days which isn't so bad on the waistline but isn't always so good for a steady hand and creative focus.  Sigh...balance.

Finding Time

Time...such a crazy measurement.  Ok, not really so CRAZY as it is slippery and precious and fleeting.  I lose time a lot, I don't know how but I just do.  I'm always busy...taking care of kids, the house, the pets, exercising, eating, showering, sleeping, reading, writing, etc.  I don't often waste time anymore, I don't have enough of a surplus.  Then again, we all have the very same 24 hours each day, 7 days a week.  What we do with them is in our control.  Before kids I wasted a lot of time but I also had trouble finding meaning in my life so it wasn't such a big deal to go to bed at 6 pm and sleep until 6 am or to just stare out the window for an hour observing the world or to have a dance party in my bedroom by myself for hours while sipping cocktails, etc.  Having kids has changed my attitude about life and the meaning of it enormously.  I spend a lot more time these days doing monotonous things but at least I feel productive and that what I'm doing is making a difference in my children's lives.  I've also had to once and for all take responsibility for my own happiness because now that I have kids I'm not going ANYWHERE, at least by my own hand and yes, sadly, that was something I used to think about.  I'm stuck here now and I want to be the best role model for my kids possible, and they've given me a second chance at making my life worth something TO ME.  The number one thing that makes me happy is my little family, Tyler, Teagan and Tony but they aren't here to make me happy, they aren't responsible for how I will review the life I lead when I'm on my deathbed. 

I have always been an artist, I've just always had an interest and a knack for it and spent time as a child drawing the flowers in our yard or some supermodel in a magazine.  I took art in school and even won a grip of awards, many 1st place, from several fairs and shows in the community.  I loved it but I didn't think about doing anything with it, I didn't know how and anyway life was throwing me some real wrenches and soon I was off on a completely different path.  I got married at 17 and moved across the country where my husband was stationed at Ft. Benning, Georgia.  Suddenly I was a wife and working in an office...not exactly where I imagined myself at that age, but hey I made the decision to be there.  Soon I picked up the drawing pad again esp. when I found myself alone for weeks at a time when my husband was gone on field maneuvers.  I produced some decent, fun stuff which I proudly hung on the walls of our mobile home.  I entered some contests but never won anything and perhaps felt more like a failure than I should have, AT ALL.  Time passed and my life hit several potholes (my marriage ended for one) and I course corrected each time as best I could and kept on going, which is just what you do.  I've been told not everyone does though, that some people allow the pothole to destroy them or they don't really course correct and just end up back in the same pothole or in another.  Yes, I'm a survivor and I always land on my feet.  As I mentioned in my last post, there were way too many times I shouldn't have been allowed to pass Go and though I'm not a religious person I've often wondered if I have a guardian angel of sorts or if perhaps I was just meant to be a part of something big in the future.  Or maybe it was just luck!  Regardless, I digress, over those years I picked up the drawing pad a couple times and then the paint brush and would just lose myself in it!  It always felt so right...but life always came along and for lack of things like time, money, self-confidence, etc. I always ended up leaving art behind.

Then I became a mom, first to my son Tyler then to my daughter Teagan.  My world was rocked, I was in love with my creations and my life had meaning at last!  I tried to be the super stay-at-home mom and nearly drove myself into the ground but it was all for a good reason, I thought.  During that time I also FINALLY found a therapist who GOT me and really helped guide me out from under all the shit that had been plaguing and haunting and tainting my life for as long as I could remember.  I grew and become strong and found a balance with life and started making time for ME.  Very serendipitously, as that same time, I became reacquainted via Face book with a high school classmate who is now a professional artist.  She wrote about her story and while the details were very different between us, it was clear we had both gone through some tough struggles.  So with my new found strength and feet planted firmly and happily in the present, looking up to this peer on how she balances being a mom and artist and true to herself, I picked up the paintbrushes again!  Then with the support of my husband, the help of another good friend and fellow artist who lends me endless technique advice and gifted me much of my current supply of paints and brushes, and last but certainly not least my kids though they aren't conscious of it but provide me the time to paint by being so well behaved, I proudly and confidently call myself a true professional artist now.  I definitely have a ways to go before that "professional" part takes the form I'd like it to, but I've sold several pieces and been accepted in a show so I'm on my way.  To where?  I have goals for sure, like having my own show by the time I'm 40, and making enough money and difference (via philanthropic efforts) to never have to go back to a full time desk job ever again.  I not only am happiest in the actual production of making art (aside from being with my family) but it is important to me to make a difference in other people's lives with my art.  For now what that equates to is keeping myself sane from the monotony's and ups and down of life which in turn equates to happy kids and a happy husband. 

So I come back around to that 'ol technicality, Time.  It just isn't always possible to paint every day or for several hours at a time but I'm taking it where I can get it AND I'm patient with myself when I just can't get to it.  My number one priority is my family but even when I'm not sitting at my easel my brain is thinking about the piece that is waiting for the next layer of paint or what my next subject should be, etc.  I worried for a while about finding my niche and my style when a friend said to me that I already have!  Whoa that was a crazy mind blowing realization, so simple and right in front of me the whole time and yet holding me back.  That block out of the way I feel like things are flowing easier though I'm still trying out new techniques and brainstorming different compositions.  I'm still critical of my work, as I'm sure all artists are to a point, but am forgiving of myself since I'm still in the early phases of this wonderful rediscovered part of my life.  I do need to better organize my day so I can get to the paint more often since the only thing that will make me a better artist is doing it as much as possible and then again and again and again.  So I need to get up earlier so I can get my exercise out of the way and the house stuff taken care of, freeing up more time later when Teagan is napping to do my art.  I need to work more efficiently, not hesitate so much about the next paint stroke, not be afraid to make mistakes because those only lead to growth. 

Time.  It's 8:39 pm and I don't like painting at night because I don't have sufficient lighting (something I need to take care of!) and if I'm going to be up early to exercise and be productive and creative I need my sleep!!  The time spent on this blog was worth it to me because I'm also a writer and writing helps me organize my thoughts and emotions which in turn helps me stay balanced and happy and therefore a better artist. 

Tick tock

Fat Tuesday & Shifting Gears

So it's Fat Tuesday...I generally don't participate (I'm not religious or French or Cajun...altho probably somewhat naive and uninformed) in the "giving up something" altho I'd really like to be in New Orleans or Rio or one of the other big cities that celebrates the holiday with a BANG someday!  Who doesn't like a good party?!  Anyway, it's a day to rejoice and release inhibitions and be happy, right?  Or do I have it totally wrong?  Well after another trying day after another trying night of my dear hubby being gone on business (seems the trend these days, a few days each week) and seeing the bright colored balloons outside the southern restaurant around the corner as I pushed the stroller home from a few unexciting errands I thought to myself, "why not?"  So after rushing the last of our Valentine cards to the mailbox to meet the 5pm deadline I was pushing the stroller over to my favorite local happy hour spot, Noeteca Cafe.  They serve yummy food but I'm drawn in by their $7 any wine happy hour - I often wonder if despite my always ordering the wine that costs $12 outside of happy hour if the wine that costs $7 anytime is just as good if not better...tho I have yet to test my theory.  I usually go to Noeteca with my bestie Dan when our schedules mesh for a meet-up after he gets off work but I almost always have my kids with me.  There's an outdoor area on the wide sidewalk and a bench under the windows so Tyler & Teagan usually run back and forth on that behind me as I lunge to keep my wine or glass of water from toppling over when they get too rambunctious.  Tonight we had an almost bland but still good artichoke soup, and I think the kids actually wore more than they ate!  They we had a delicious cheese plate (Comte and Grand Panada) accompanied by balsamic, figs, almonds, sliced green apples, dried cranberries & apricots, prunes and a yummy preserve.  So basically I strayed from my current health guidelines of no alcohol, dairy, sugar or wheat (I don't do caffeine or meat anyway) but hey, it's Fat Tuesday!!  Besides, a girls gotta get out of the house!!  It's good for me and it's good for the kids.

It's been a WHILE since I blogged last...actually I think it was the end of my trip to Turkey last July! Hah!  Let's just say I was directing my creative energies in other directions than my writing.  However, I've been reading some art blogs lately and just plain 'ol feeling like a piece of the puzzle was missing for me and today it just dawned on me that I should shift gears slightly and start blogging again, tho with more emphasis now on my art adventures.  It's been just about a year now (early March) that I started painting again, or rather that I started creating art again.  I haven't always been a painter, but I've always been an artist, and paint just seemed right at this point.  I've created just under a dozen'ish paintings, which I'll take as a decent amount for the time, two of which I've sold and another which hung in an exhibit through the Petaluma Arts Council.  I've learned a lot, but I've got a lot more to go.

I read a quote today that a fellow artist posted on her blog that goes "One must spoil as many canvases as one succeeds with."  None other than the talented artist Vincent van Gogh said that a million years ago and it really smacked me in the face.  I know myself (I should hope so, after living with me for 38 1/2 years now!) and know I'm a watcher, perhaps even a follower though I hate to describe myself that way.  As far back as preschool & kindergarten my teachers were telling my mom that I tended to hesitate in class, keep back and watch the others as if learning what to do and what not to do before I felt I was ready and confident enough to take on whatever task or project by myself.  Yep, I can be tentative and cautious although that seems hardly like me in so many other aspects of life!  Unfortunately, in my art, that's how I am.  It's unfortunate because I have a pretty decent ability, a fair talent, a good knack...at framing a photograph interestingly, at sketching the human body accurately, at painting realism.  But while that's not something everyone can do, there are plenty that can, and they are doing it with their own twist.  What I lack right now is an individual style, something to set me apart from other artists.  Do I expect or dream to make millions and have everyone know my name and collect my work?  Ok sure I'd lie if I didn't say yes at least a little bit, but mostly what I'm after is filling the hole in my spirit that gapes open when I'm not doing art, releasing my creative energy in ways that hopefully bring smiles or at least pause to people's faces.  The last thing in the world I want is to have to return to some awful desk job that I hate (because it's not artistic) once my children reach the age where I'm no longer needed at home full time so I'm hoping I can fall back on my art.  When I imagine my retired years, I see myself in my studio, painting, sculpting, doing stained glass or making jewelry, hopefully in a lovely seaside home :)  This is who I am and it took 37 1/2 years to finally have the courage and ability to go for it.  I have a lot of work to do!  I have, as Van Gogh said, a lot of canvases to spoil!  And therein may be one of my problems, I want to do everything perfect the first time!  I'm almost afraid to try something new, make a new mark, etc.  It's been holding me back but can't anymore.  That's what I want this blog to focus on now.

There was a new moon last Sunday and this one felt especially pivotal to me.  I've been drudging around in a rut of holidays, sickness & apathy for a few months now and was drowning.  I tend to swing to the extremes in my life, in my spirit, all the way over to the edge where everyone is holding their breath just waiting for me to plunge over the cliff and then back again to the picture of health, happiness, stability.  Back and forth, although these days that same impenetrable protective boundary that kept me from landing in jail or the looney bin or a coffin is quite a bit more buffered, no thanks I'm sure to my children, so my swings aren't as dangerous as they once were.  Though that doesn't mean I'm still not mentally and spiritually affected just as negatively.  I take medication but that doesn't always seem like it's working.  I'm on the verge of yet a whole new Tiffany, even though in the past I've said the same and it has been true.  There can be no end to the times you are renewed in life or what is the use in going on?  I have to keep learning, keep reaching higher, trying to be a better me.  I've always been a journaler but I'll go chunks of time not writing and that always seems to correspond with a disconnect I'm feeling even though it might seem I'm just too busy to write.  Busy can be good but busy can also be bad if I'm not taking care of myself.  So here I am again!

My intent is to still write about my thoughts and events in my life but hopefully with more focus on my art, what I'm trying, what I'm inspired by, etc.  I've been meeting so many new artists over the last year, going to art exhibits, researching though books and the internet about techniques and history, etc. etc.  I love it...but of course I have other priorities in the day.  In as much as I intend to refocus on my art I also intend to refocus on enjoying my life outside of art, my children and husband, my family and friends, reading, the gym, travel (local & non), health and pets, but to name a few. 

I look forward to you sharing in this journey with me and invite your comments and thoughts.  We are all journeying in this world, separate but together.