Balance & Influence

There are days when I say "I wish I had all day to just focus on my art" and there are days when I actually have that time but the creative juices are just not flowing.  I think I read somewhere, per some famous artist, that you have to push past those feelings and force yourself to work on your art.  I guess I can see that to an extent...if I'm not feeling like working on a current painting maybe I can sift through my inspiration file (ok, it's a big drawer overflowing with images I've ripped from magazines that for one reason or another inspire me or give me ideas to incorporate in future paintings - enough inspiration, I might add, for a lifetime of full time painting!) or check out fellow artist's work on-line via FB or newsletters I've subscribed to, or sit down with one of the many books I've most recently checked out of the library regarding, somehow, art.  I used to hate the library (didn't like *borrowing* books, didn't like the Dewey decimal system and trying to find what I was looking for plus they always felt old & dusty to me!) but within the past few years that changed completely.  I realized I could search on-line for books with a key word and have a list of books come up and then I could click a few buttons and reserve it or request it be sent to my local library branch, then I just throw the kids in the stroller, take a little walk and BAM!  It has been such an amazing resource, hehehe!  Right now I've got this really interesting book on my nightstand called "Finding Your Visual Voice: A Painter's Guide To Developing An Artistic Style."  I've checked out ooodles of books on "how to paint" but I realized a few things about those: I basically already know how to paint first of all, secondly they styles & examples were just not interesting to me and lastly that even if I didn't know what I was doing I'm not sure I could learn from a book.  I definitely think I can use building skills I don't have or are young, as well as learning some tips, but that's where my Practice, Practice, Practice comes in...but flipping through books here and there can't hurt after all.   Regarding the current book, even though I finally feel like I'm no longer searching for my *style*, per say, I'm still open to delving into what makes Tiffany the Artist tick, what avenues I could explore that would be right up my alley and turn out to fit right in with my current direction.  Or maybe find something that takes me off on a whole different direction but is still keeping with my own style.  It's funny, I was going to attend a lecture recently put on by a local art studio titled "What Sells: Creating A Saleable Body Of Work" but after a little thought I decided not to attend...after all, of course I'd like to sell my art but I want people to buy it because they like it, because it moves them somehow and because it's something I created because *I* wanted to, because *I* enjoyed making it, because ultimately I'm not creating art to make money, I'm creating MY art because it's who *I* am.  Why should I go to a lecture to find out *what* I should be painting??  Nah.  Now, there may have been more to it than that, but in the end I decided there were other lectures coming up I'd rather attend that were more pertinent for me like "Representation: Approaching Art Galleries" and "Presentation: Preparing Your Artist Packet and Writing Your Artist Statement" and "Exhibition: Preparing To Show Your Artwork."  I will definitely be attending those three!

Circling back to my original thought above (haha!) there are days and times when I really want to work on my art but other things just won't allow it.  Tyler started pre-school in the beginning of March and I've had to learn to adjust accordingly.  First adjustment was letting go of my baby and realizing he was growing up and was heading into a new stage of his life where he's not with me all the time.  I think that part was both scary/sad as well as liberating for both he and I.  We're actually still adjusting to that on a daily basis, though I'm happy to report the crying (on both sides) has subsided!  Then there's the schedule aspect!  I almost feel like I've got an outside job again now, my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. so I can get my exercise out of the way (if I wait until later it eats into my art time) then I get myself ready quick so I can get the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door by 8:10 to be dropping off Tyler in South San Francisco at 8:30.  Home by 9 I spend the next hour approximately straightening up the house, doing laundry, dishes, sometimes baking, administrative stuff and a new fun routine of having coffee (decaf!) on the back porch with Teagan.  She gets her own little mug and sits next to me on the doorstep, kicking her little legs that don't quite touch the ground, asking "more" as she finishes the few swallows I've poured in her mug (lest she spill it all) and then clinking "cheers" with me and a satisfied "Aaaah" after the first swallow :)   If it's an errand day Teagan & I spend the morning with "girl time" at Target, Safeway, Trader Joe's, Michael's, etc. until her nap time at 1030 (I can hear her playing in her crib usually until 11 or even 1130 sometimes but I still put her down at 1030 so I can get MY time) and then I paint, or sketch my next painting, but generally it's something I have a hard time doing when the kids are around.  By 1230 I've gotta get Teagan up, change her diaper and head out to get Tyler.  When we get home I feed her lunch (Tyler eats at school) and then I *try* to get back to my art...sometimes there's other errands to run or we take a walk to the playground & library or there's more cleaning and cooking to do (there's Always cleaning & cooking to do!) but I do try to work on my art if the kids aren't climbing all over me or otherwise obscuring/distracting me from being able to.  The afternoon, hell the DAY, goes by Fast!  By 430 I need to be starting dinner because those turkeys are ready to eat between 5-530, then it's dinner clean-up, bath & story time and finally some peace by 7-8.  Tony often takes care of the dinner clean-up and/or bath & story time but at that point I'm DONE and working on art is just not really an option.  Usually that's when I read my library books or surf the web for art stuff, etc.  I try to get to bed at a decent hour (9pm) or if it's a tv night (The Following on Mondays & Criminal Minds on Wednesdays) more like 10-1030pm.  Alarm goes off at 6 and it starts all over again!  Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in the movie "Groundhog Day"!!  Tyler goes to school Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday but the other days aren't too much different, I'm just not wearing my Mommy Taxi hat then and so I'll get more time for art.

I've got a list on my easel of upcoming shows I'm submitting paintings for and I just completed and sent in "Santa Lucia" for one of them.

I'm really pleased with how it turned out since several times in the process I hated it and felt it was going to turn out like a total piece of shit!  "It kicked my ass"...something I find myself saying after many of my paintings, but it was a good ass kicking ;)  I'm learning and growing with every piece!  Like, for example, this is my 2nd true landscape and I think what I've learned is that while I'm inspired by the image I'm painting, I'm not necessarily passionate about painting it.  I think this is key because passion is so important in the creation process, not only for my happiness but also for the final product.  What AM I passionate about painting?  Well...I don't think I want to give that away just yet and I'm still working on it but I think it will reveal itself soon enough.  I'm anxious to be accepted in the show I submitted "Santa Lucia" for but I'm also perfectly content with not since I'm so proud of it and I know it will find the right home eventually. 

The next show I've slated to submit for (thank you to my friend Julia who forwarded the Call For Art on to me!) is another landscape...although in the theme's description it is said what a broad term "landscape" can be and therefore it is very much open for interpretation, thankfully!  So I'm sketching from a photo I took last summer while on a little girl's weekend getaway with my sister up the coast.  That's all I'm gonna say for now, but by April 15th I'll hopefully be posting the finished piece.  I'm glad I have that amount of time because yesterday a creative wrench was thrown my way in the form of a sudden, almost urgent, inspiration and I may just work on that first...or it may be the first time I work on two pieces in tandem.  I'm almost hesitant to say what the subject is because it's very emotionally charged and in my deepest corner of self-doubt I worry I won't be able to pull it off as well I'd like and therefore it  may never reach the public eye.  That said, let's hope I am just being silly in not believing and trusting in my abilities.  This piece is a big deal for me...

Well I see it's lunchtime and Tyler is home so I've got to put aside this creative time (I definitely count my writing and blog as creative time) and get some food going for him....oh and me too, yeah, I'm forgetting to eat a lot these days which isn't so bad on the waistline but isn't always so good for a steady hand and creative focus.  Sigh...balance.

Finding Time

Time...such a crazy measurement.  Ok, not really so CRAZY as it is slippery and precious and fleeting.  I lose time a lot, I don't know how but I just do.  I'm always busy...taking care of kids, the house, the pets, exercising, eating, showering, sleeping, reading, writing, etc.  I don't often waste time anymore, I don't have enough of a surplus.  Then again, we all have the very same 24 hours each day, 7 days a week.  What we do with them is in our control.  Before kids I wasted a lot of time but I also had trouble finding meaning in my life so it wasn't such a big deal to go to bed at 6 pm and sleep until 6 am or to just stare out the window for an hour observing the world or to have a dance party in my bedroom by myself for hours while sipping cocktails, etc.  Having kids has changed my attitude about life and the meaning of it enormously.  I spend a lot more time these days doing monotonous things but at least I feel productive and that what I'm doing is making a difference in my children's lives.  I've also had to once and for all take responsibility for my own happiness because now that I have kids I'm not going ANYWHERE, at least by my own hand and yes, sadly, that was something I used to think about.  I'm stuck here now and I want to be the best role model for my kids possible, and they've given me a second chance at making my life worth something TO ME.  The number one thing that makes me happy is my little family, Tyler, Teagan and Tony but they aren't here to make me happy, they aren't responsible for how I will review the life I lead when I'm on my deathbed. 

I have always been an artist, I've just always had an interest and a knack for it and spent time as a child drawing the flowers in our yard or some supermodel in a magazine.  I took art in school and even won a grip of awards, many 1st place, from several fairs and shows in the community.  I loved it but I didn't think about doing anything with it, I didn't know how and anyway life was throwing me some real wrenches and soon I was off on a completely different path.  I got married at 17 and moved across the country where my husband was stationed at Ft. Benning, Georgia.  Suddenly I was a wife and working in an office...not exactly where I imagined myself at that age, but hey I made the decision to be there.  Soon I picked up the drawing pad again esp. when I found myself alone for weeks at a time when my husband was gone on field maneuvers.  I produced some decent, fun stuff which I proudly hung on the walls of our mobile home.  I entered some contests but never won anything and perhaps felt more like a failure than I should have, AT ALL.  Time passed and my life hit several potholes (my marriage ended for one) and I course corrected each time as best I could and kept on going, which is just what you do.  I've been told not everyone does though, that some people allow the pothole to destroy them or they don't really course correct and just end up back in the same pothole or in another.  Yes, I'm a survivor and I always land on my feet.  As I mentioned in my last post, there were way too many times I shouldn't have been allowed to pass Go and though I'm not a religious person I've often wondered if I have a guardian angel of sorts or if perhaps I was just meant to be a part of something big in the future.  Or maybe it was just luck!  Regardless, I digress, over those years I picked up the drawing pad a couple times and then the paint brush and would just lose myself in it!  It always felt so right...but life always came along and for lack of things like time, money, self-confidence, etc. I always ended up leaving art behind.

Then I became a mom, first to my son Tyler then to my daughter Teagan.  My world was rocked, I was in love with my creations and my life had meaning at last!  I tried to be the super stay-at-home mom and nearly drove myself into the ground but it was all for a good reason, I thought.  During that time I also FINALLY found a therapist who GOT me and really helped guide me out from under all the shit that had been plaguing and haunting and tainting my life for as long as I could remember.  I grew and become strong and found a balance with life and started making time for ME.  Very serendipitously, as that same time, I became reacquainted via Face book with a high school classmate who is now a professional artist.  She wrote about her story and while the details were very different between us, it was clear we had both gone through some tough struggles.  So with my new found strength and feet planted firmly and happily in the present, looking up to this peer on how she balances being a mom and artist and true to herself, I picked up the paintbrushes again!  Then with the support of my husband, the help of another good friend and fellow artist who lends me endless technique advice and gifted me much of my current supply of paints and brushes, and last but certainly not least my kids though they aren't conscious of it but provide me the time to paint by being so well behaved, I proudly and confidently call myself a true professional artist now.  I definitely have a ways to go before that "professional" part takes the form I'd like it to, but I've sold several pieces and been accepted in a show so I'm on my way.  To where?  I have goals for sure, like having my own show by the time I'm 40, and making enough money and difference (via philanthropic efforts) to never have to go back to a full time desk job ever again.  I not only am happiest in the actual production of making art (aside from being with my family) but it is important to me to make a difference in other people's lives with my art.  For now what that equates to is keeping myself sane from the monotony's and ups and down of life which in turn equates to happy kids and a happy husband. 

So I come back around to that 'ol technicality, Time.  It just isn't always possible to paint every day or for several hours at a time but I'm taking it where I can get it AND I'm patient with myself when I just can't get to it.  My number one priority is my family but even when I'm not sitting at my easel my brain is thinking about the piece that is waiting for the next layer of paint or what my next subject should be, etc.  I worried for a while about finding my niche and my style when a friend said to me that I already have!  Whoa that was a crazy mind blowing realization, so simple and right in front of me the whole time and yet holding me back.  That block out of the way I feel like things are flowing easier though I'm still trying out new techniques and brainstorming different compositions.  I'm still critical of my work, as I'm sure all artists are to a point, but am forgiving of myself since I'm still in the early phases of this wonderful rediscovered part of my life.  I do need to better organize my day so I can get to the paint more often since the only thing that will make me a better artist is doing it as much as possible and then again and again and again.  So I need to get up earlier so I can get my exercise out of the way and the house stuff taken care of, freeing up more time later when Teagan is napping to do my art.  I need to work more efficiently, not hesitate so much about the next paint stroke, not be afraid to make mistakes because those only lead to growth. 

Time.  It's 8:39 pm and I don't like painting at night because I don't have sufficient lighting (something I need to take care of!) and if I'm going to be up early to exercise and be productive and creative I need my sleep!!  The time spent on this blog was worth it to me because I'm also a writer and writing helps me organize my thoughts and emotions which in turn helps me stay balanced and happy and therefore a better artist. 

Tick tock