As I sit on my back porch soaking up some Vitamin D which is warming my back and enjoying the temperate breeze, barely able to see my laptop screen but just feeling like I can't Not be outside when mother nature presents such a "winters day", I find myself pondering where oh where to begin and what exactly to write about. It's only been a few days, but my days are full...of thoughts, emotions, issues, non-issues and oh let's not forget children. At the moment my fingers are crossed that despite the new trick my daughter has learned to open her closed bedroom door when it is nap time, and despite her repeatedly coming down to check out what I'm doing, that she may at least leave me to what is usually my peace time by not needing or demanding anything of me. I keep sending her back up to nap and she keeps coming back down. I don't know what I'm going to do if she is about to quit napping. Already we have sleep issues at night with both the kids which we might better solve if we had them in separate bedrooms but that's not really possible in this house... Anyway, I digress. Basically I could sum up the parenting bit right now as: it's hard. You tackle one issue and get into a groove and then they change things up again for you - will it be this way until they leave the house someday?! So it's no wonder I seem extra stressed, extra frazzled, extra extra
Creative is something I've actually been being very good at lately, I've been working hard on my art and really feeling proud of the results. This week I've been putting in a lot of time on a new piece I'm planning on submitting along with another similar piece to a show at the ARC Gallery called "Impulse" which isn't to mean that's what the pieces are about but rather the gallery is hoping to create or nurture existing impulsive art collectors. I saw the Call For Art and upon thinking about what I could submit I searched through my stash of inspiration images and found one I thought would work well converted to beading. Here's the original piece, The Beaded Madonna which I did a year ago and will submit with the new piece, Beaded Masquerade, pictured below:
I'm really excited about the new piece, which isn't as completely beaded as this one and this time incorporates sequins as well. Of course the doubter in me says I'm never going to be accepted into this show, why even try. Well, because you never know until you try and having the courage to go for it in the first place, along with creating a really cool piece I wouldn't maybe otherwise have, means I have nothing to lose and should be very proud of myself regardless. I wonder if "successful" artists ever say that, "I'm proud of myself." Somehow that feels like words for people who aren't top notch, although I suppose if I were top notch what would I have left to do, to try for, to aim for? Yeah.
So I know I wrote last time about not taking me so seriously, not being offended, explaining a little more my situation, etc. but somehow it still didn't seem enough and I nearly decided, and may still, to take down my blog, or at least erase all the posts up until now. This social media thing is so huge and people are just so judgemental, you never know who is looking and how they are going to react. Just a snapshot in my day and someone could take that and run and I may have sealed my own fate! It's crazy and angering. I was trying to reassure myself by looking back over my blogs and visual journals but stepping back and just seeing the words and images without anything else I could actually see where things might be taken wrong. I was going through some rough days and I wasn't holding that back with the blog or journal but on one page as I flipped through I noticed I'd put a picture of a row of sharp garden tools...since I'd been GARDENING that day...but I feared someone might see them as weapons or a subtle cry for wanting to use them on something other than weeds. Now if I could go there than anyone could go there and suddenly I was so angry and frustrated. Do I stop posting my journals, are they just too personal to put out there without explaining every little part of them? Do I worry that co-workers of my husband or my neighbors or Tyler's school friend's parents or anyone else I have interactions with will misinterpret and act on that misinterpretation? Ugh. I don't know. The artist in me says NO Fucking Way, this is my creative outlet, I know everything is ok, people go through hard times and maybe they just don't want to admit it or are uncomfortable with other people going through it or whatever. I've had people tell me they gain strength from knowing they aren't the only one's going through a hard time or that I say things they've only thought and wanted to say but were afraid to. I don't want to shut my mouth, I don't want to not share personal things, but I also don't want to pay any prices for doing so. Hmmm, I probably would have made a wimpy revolutionary! Hahaha!
Tonight is a full moon and The Power Path (an astrological site I follow loosely) assures me this is the transition between one chapter and the next and that I need to make sure to leave behind the last several weeks and not drag them into the coming time where so much is possible. I may do a burning ceremony, as it suggested, and then do some self-pampering as also suggested...maybe a pedicure after the kids go to bed! I definitely feel like the time has come to move out of this crazy phase and like WTF just happened?! Best not to dwell but to move forward, onward and upward. I have lots of art to get done in preparation for my big 40th birthday art show, for one, and I need to work on my website. I also need to take time to relax, just BE as well as to enjoy my children for whatever phase they are in. I hope to be posting a lot more art along with my visual journals here so keep watching!!
As always, I welcome comments or questions or even just "like" on FB ;) It helps to know people are reading and NOT being offended or worried, but if you are that's ok too, I'd rather hear about it than not.
Cheers,
Tiffany
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